My ADHD husband started seeing an ADHD coach. I was soon invited to a session. She holds us both accountable and is open to me emailing her my concerns in between sessions. I am grateful for her because she is in our corner. It is obvious. However, the message that has been communicated to me has been "don't be that way". "That way" being like "the sky is falling" way. This diagnosis is new but the effects have darkened our marriage for nine years. It has affected us in the areas of finance, intimacy, family of origin, trust, instability, to name a few. There are days when I do not think I can make the marriage last. This same coach intimated that I do not give up on the marriage because I do not understand the way his brain works. This advice feels like an excuse to me at this point. It is going to take a while for my brain to wrap around the way his brain works or doesn't. When the safety of our four young children is compromised, I am incapable of turning on the "he doesn't mean it" switch. I am livid and terrified and wonder if I can even go to the grocery store with him in charge of our children. I am reminded by his coach that he doesn't do anything with malice.
His ADHD coach is happy for my husband that he has a long commute to and from work so he can decompress. This is his fifth job in eight years. How great for him that he gets time to decompress. When do I get my time? His long commute means he is home later meaning I want to collapse when he enters the doorway. Collapsing in exhaustion is not the same as decompressing. Eventually the fatigue I have been experiencing caused enough concern to bring myself to the doctor. After some blood work, it has been revealed that I have markers for an autoimmune disorder. A disorder exacerbated by stress. I have been breathing stress in and out since my marriage. Understandably marriage IS stressful. However, we've been living in chaos. What would the ADHD coach say to that? I cannot allow by body to attack itself because my husband has ADHD?
Ditto
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I have an autoimmune disorder made worse by stress. It is a serious issue. It's an understatement to say that it is not good for you. You will need to advocate strongly for yourself in this counseling situation. If you are required to understand how his brain words, he needs to also understand how your body works, says the person who DID NOT advocate for herself over the years.
Abbryd...Some Thoughts About What You Said
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm the one with ADHD here, and everything you said sounds very familiar. I've heard your thoughts coming from many different people throughout my life...and, they are exactly the same word for word. This this would make sense if you stop and think that these symptoms that ADHD imposes on you, would in essence get the same reaction from anyone? And I can assure you that I've heard it once or twice before.
If this would be any help to you, there is a reason why....but not from the things your ADHD coach might say...or what you might hear or read in a book..Hearing it said differently...with some insight to go along with it...can really only come in the way I'm saying it if you hsve it which is where I can do what uou realky aren't able to ascertain or figure out all by yourself . If you really want to know what's going on inside our heads....I can give you just my thoughts on this? Just one more person saying the same thing but in a different way.
Spending some time on another forum with primarily only folks there with ADHD....in the same way you need support ( coming here in fact ) is the same reason all those people with ADHD go to an ADHD support forum...to get help, advise and support? Which is really an opportunity if you stop and think about it since I didn't know I had ADHD until I knew I had it.... which wasn't until I was 42 which means for 42 years, I had no idea why I did what I did? I couldn't explain it, but I knew something was wrong? I had no idea really... all I could do was speculate or say what I think it is....as to why? But I didn't know why..but I knew something was missing?
Something was missing, and something was wrong... but in terms of right and wrong....the only thing wrong was that I didn't know I had ADHD or even what that was?
I had a realization just the other day that I think is really an important one. As you go along in life....learning as you go, I don't think, the average person really remembers what they didn't know? You can remembe of course, back when you were a child ...but can you remember specifically all the things you simply didn't know?
In some ways ...jn the big picture sure....I'm sure you can come up with a handful of things that siding you didn't know then that you know now. But as time goes on, you know a lot more now, than you did back then... and as soon as you know something that you didn't know....now you forget that you didn't know it....or "use to"....didn't know it? Excuse the grammar but I did that intentionally. lol
And the fact is....most if not all of us as poeple in a general sense, aren't really focussing on what we didn't "use to not know"....or really even care to remember? Caring in that respect...is just not focusing on or worrying about it?
But...with ADHD that's a luxury...that you never take for granted since something is still missing, and in your own way...you just described it...but coming from the the perspective of someone who doesn't have it? You can't miss...what you don't have...but you also can know, what you don't know?
What is missing is the fact that you ( for example) have many things, that you take for granted compsred to me. Things, abilities and capabilities that we don't have? We can't do what you do...since we're missing some opportunities that we take for granted that we have to live without? There are definitely some downsides to having ADHD for the person who has it. And in turn...being with someone who simply doesn't know.... you can't no until you learn an understand yourself first. And why and how you operate and function...in order to get along or to hold down a job for One? And really, by no ones fault here....you, having what is missing... you take that for granted..and, you expect...that at the.minimmum, that say if you hired someone, that they would know and be able to do certain things? Basic things.....that you've long since forgotten. I mean, when we didn't know how to walk....walking was a pretty big deal... even if we don't remember it I'm making the point.
I can't tell who has ADHD and who doesn't just by looking at them on the street. I don't know that either... any better than you do? You really didn't mention what it was that was causing the chaos, but you did mention one of the big ones, and that hits upon your ability to not only trust...but trust what your seeing? And while, the entire time that's happened to you...I can almost guarantee it's happening to him. The only difference between you and him right now at this time.... and all the maladies in the stress and the effect that's having on you? I'd wager a large sum of money...that if he were to open up and tell you what he was really thinking at times.... it wouldn't sound all that much different than everything you said but that's been going on for his entire life.
The fact that he may not understand yet, exactly what the cause is to the effect it has on him ( and probably experiencing a lot of the same things that you have described ) he just takes that for grsnted....that feeling lousy, stressed out... developing maladaptive strategies is that a better ones cuz you don't know....is all in response to the way ADHD makes you feel pretty much all of the time. The fact is you just get used to it.... since there's nothing you can do?
That is....until you find out...there there are or is a better way. You can't know what you don't know until you find out or learn it? And you don't know what's missing when you don't have it more to the point? Once you realize that...now you know? If that makes sense?
And in the same way you are now...finally coming to a place where you're starting to learn and understand more about it ..he is too...and now you both know? But It's really difficult to manage and cope and deal....when you feel the wau you do know? You weren't missing anything before but now you do? And can't miss....what he's never had....ane doesn't even know what that is? When you learn more about it, you will undoubtedly change your way. Once you can recognize what it is....and what it is not? And just exactly....what that looks like? As soon as you recognize what you're saying for what it is not what you think it is or what it looks like if it was somebody else who didn't have ADHD...it don't dress you out as much, it won't hit every nerve in your body and you won't be so afraid of simply what you don't know?
I'm speaking from my own experience and those are my own words because that's exactly how it works and how it has worked for me as well? You don't have ADHD....but the effect or side effects from simply being around it, is csusing you to feel pretty horibble righr now? Well... I've got to tell you it works the same for him and for us as well?
If you can wrap your head around that much I think that might help hopefully....it took me a long time to be able to say even that much. But as I was remembering a few things from the past I realized that I forgot what I didn't know? Not completely as withnsnyone...but in order to make corrections and learn to discipline uourself...you've got to learn from the past....even once you know? You've got to have something to compare it to and if you're comparing it to the wrong thing then you're going to be wrong. I hope you can get some help yourself especially with that stress. Stress is a real bear to get off your back...the consequences are what you're experiencing right now. . Being your own advocate is the same problem he has you share that one together from the sound of it.
J
abbyrd,,,,
Submitted by c ur self on
Your stress level will improve has your husband learns to mange his life better....Try to be positive and count your blessings...Try to not look back, look ahead...9 years w/o much work being done, and know you husband has a coach...That's huge +
Your stress (just like my own) is your responsibility...Most of mine came because I was placing unrealistic expectations on someone who's mind wasn't capable of: Not getting distracted for hours in a thrift store and forgetting supper time just went by....Or someone who gets easily addicted to iphones, and TV....Or someone who has no capability to throw trash in the garbage...When she attempts to clean, she destroies the place...She can spend 4 hours cleaning and organizing one drawer. (Just facts, that I have to accept)...She will forget about sex in favor of flipping channels...ON and ON....LOL....See?? We hear you! and we feel you!...
If you allow yourself to place expectations on him to think and perform as you do....That will be instant frustration and stress...Which it sounds like you already know....What happens in most of our cases, we get so busy (especially in your case w/ the little ones) with limited help, we don't know how to help ourselves...So we over focus on the problem...(the lack of support from our spouses) and we turn angry, and bitter...And we start producing physical signs...Mine was a racing heart and PVC's....The doctor walked in and set down on my bed...And calmly looked me in the eyes....And said....You've got to relax....I was probably the healthiest 56 year old in the ED....It might as well have been Jesus saying it....I knew it....
Take your life back!!!....Do things w/ the kids...If it's just fresh air walks...Breathe....Stop allowing your self to feel victimized.....
The truth is, many (not all by a long shot, many learn from their youth how to mange their lives responsibly) add/adhd minds are not marriage material....There lives are intrusive to say the least....Also there is more going on in many of us besides add/adhd....A person w/ low self esteem (chronic among adders) over long periods of life can develop host of insecurities....
I live quiet alone (even when she is in the next room) much of the time...Not my choice...But the alternative of pointing it out isn't good....When denial, blame, and justification is the three go to's in communication attempts...You learn to accept there is no ability to communicate....If we want our sanity that is....(self reminder right there:).....
I will pray for you and the family....
C