So my husband has ADHD (I do not) and has problems with his anger. About a month ago, he blew up so bad in front of our kids (22 month old twins) that I ended up leaving with them for the night and taking them to my parents' house. I told him explicitly that these blow ups were absolute deal breakers. So he has now informed me that when he gets so mad that he feels like he is going to blow up that he is just going to leave. So I thought he meant just for an hour or two to collect his thoughts. No...he means overnight. Like he has an overnight bag packed that he can grab and go if he feels like he needs to. So I have an issue with this. I feel like since we have children, it's not okay for him to just up and decide that he is going to leave overnight. My ability to depend on him really takes a hit when I don't know if he is going to just up and decide to leave. As you can imagine with two kids who are almost two, it is very very stressful being the only person taking care of them and I depend on him to help tag team with me on the weekends. So I expressed how scary this makes me feel and asked if the general policy could be that he takes an hour or two, we reassess, and then go from there. He absolutely exploded about that idea. I tried to step it back and say that it could be something we talk to a counselor about because we obviously have different opinions on it, and he said that if we were in a session and I brought it up, he would walk out. He says it is his right to leave and go to a hotel whenever he feels like he needs to. I just don't really know what to do here. I obviously can't really bring it up with him again because it took us back into a "black hole" again and it's just not ever going to be a productive conversation. Am I way off base here? I'm just trying to figure out what to do with this. I'm feeling quite shaken up right now.
What to do if he wants to leave?
Submitted by kathrynpb on 03/17/2018.
He has the same rights you have....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your husband has a far deeper problem than adhd....I would tell him he has the same rights you have....And the same responsibilities you have to the kids, and to each other...Exactly the same!
So if he feels like he has a RIGHT to walk out and abandon you and his two babies over night...Then so do you...
You really need to call his bluff, he is trying to run over you!...Please don't allow him to take advantage of you like this....IF you do, there is a very good chance it want stop, but just get worse....Does he have someone he is accountable to, Like a Father, Mother, Brother, Close friend, Church Brother etc??
If I was you I would insist this issue gets taken to wise council...If he refuses to go....Then he would need to go....Once he see's he can't run over you, he probably want go, (unless he has no real commitment anyway, and was just using you for his own selfish desires. If that's the case you need to know it now) but may possibly wake up and see how selfish he is....
With anger outbursts at a level that you are describing....I would insist he also get counseling for that also....
I will pray for you....
C
It sounds like emotional
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
It sounds like emotional blackmail to me. He’s trying to insure that you won’t bring up issues for fear of him blowing up and walking out. Having a bag packed and ready to go is the equivalent of a parent hanging a belt on the wall to remind the children they better not act up.
A cooling off period is a better option than blowing up in front of the kids. But having a bag packed to leave overnight seems excessive to me, especially with young twins. How would he feel if you suddenly walked out and left the twins with him overnight?
Agreed
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
What he is doing is emotional blackmail. It is selfish, controlling, immature, threatening and manipulative.
it is fine to say - I feel myself getting upset and I need a break. I am going to go take a walk/drive/run/bike ride or go sit in the other room and think/read/watch tv/listen to music/write down why I'm angry. I will come back at X:00 o'clock and we can try again. (and then do that... come back at the agreed time and try again in order to maintain trust, show that you are being reliable and confirm that yes you are trying hard to manage this and find a solution)
it is not ok to just walk out on you. Even if you didn't have young children, but especially then. Not only does it create fear, confusion and anxiety for you but also for them. Where is daddy? Is he coming back? When? Even if they don't notice now, at some point they will.
You might consider if this was happening to your best friend or sister... How would you counsel her to take action and keep herself and her children safe and sane?
Personally, I would bring it up in front of your therapist anyway. If he walks out of the office he will just look exactly like the ass that he is being.
One more thing...
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I used to know a woman that had three small children at home. When she didn’t want to stay home with them, she would intentionally pick a fight with her husband so that she could blow up and storm out.
If your husband gets angry and leaves with his packed bag, be sure to note how the whole problem started to begin with.