As many of you have, my husband and I have gone through many ups and downs. We are finally on a positive streak with his medication well adjusted, he has a great team of doctors, he had a positive career change, and he's becoming himself again. There's just one problem. The past 5 years have been so focused on getting him well that one important piece was missed...me.
You see, I'm a natural caregiver. I mean I'm a pediatric occupational therapist in a school for children with autism and severe behaviors. I teach them how to successfully live life and self regulate their emotions. Seems like a perfect wife for someone with ADHD right?! And you are right! I mean, through my training I was able to help my husband during times that I felt like I was going to lose him to the darkness forever. But by constantly helping others, I have noticed myself slowly dwindling.
I'm not just his caregiver, he's also mine. To add to the complication I have a connective tissue disorder that causes severe pain and exhaustion. I need help and I feel that recently I've been needing more. But recently, he's been giving less and less.
We've been so focused on his health, I've ignored my own. I feel as though I've been holding him up above the water from drowning but in the process I have been holding my breath. And now I'm running out of air.
He used to help my muscles calm down by giving me massages. But recently he's been making me feel so guilty by even bringing up the question of him doing it, I feel horrible asking. I asked him the other day what was going on. I said I noticed that when I ask him to help he gets triggered with anxiety. He usually rolls his eyes, tried to procrastinate doing it, and usually defends himself by spinning the problem to me. That last one it's the one that hurts the most. I feel like complete shit after I finally get the courage to actually ask someone else for help and then I get completely shut down. I react by saying nevermind and it turns into, "Stop doing that, that makes me feel really bad like I never help you". But how do I say, "Well, that's exactly how I feel". When I brought this up to him he said that massaging me hurts his hands and it's uncomfortable. I felt so hopeless in that moment all I said is, "ok, then I won't ask any more". He just told someone with chronic pain that makes it hard to sit up some days, that it's uncomfortable to massage you. I knew in that moment that there wasn't any getting through to him without him getting defensive. He's not doing it maliciously, hes not being a dick. He's literally just in his own world and I just wish I didn't need him as much as I do. Because with him in his world and not OUR world, I feel alone.
You see, I can't say any of this to him. At least it doesn't feel like I can. Because it will trigger him into a depressive episode and everything will be a million times worse. So I just live with it. I'm in so much pain that it hurts to lay down, hurts to sit, hurts to breathe. But when HIS joint hurts I massage it to reduce the pain for him. And it's not just the massages, it's anything that I want to do but he's not interested in. He can't get himself to do anything I want to despite many empty promises...
I feel defeated, I feel alone, and I don't know what to do. I don't think he even knows he's doing this, but every time it gets brought up he some how spins it into me overreacting, or it's because I'm hurting I'm misinterpreting things. He's the kindest, most caring person, but these little moments are really draining me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this with him?
He is so blessed to have you....
Submitted by c ur self on
But, you have a victim on your hands...Based on your post, he has gotten so aware of his own needs, that he has forgotten you have needs also....And it's totally his job to fulfill those needs....I'm there, and probably always will be as long she live in her victim mind...Part of it falls on us....I'm torn about it though, I, like yourself, just want her to have a life that receives the appropriate care and attention a loving spouse should supply....But sadly w/ some minds they turn to invalids on us, instead of appreciating it, and returning the same care and attention....
I sure don't have all the answers for you, but, I do understand you....Some times they need shocked into reality....It seems to help for a little while....I bet if I was your neighbor, and close friend...And you told your husband, that you were stepping next door to get a massage to relax you before bed time...He might have a better attitude for bit, when it comes to your needs...:)
Blessings
C
Oh honey--I wish I could come
Submitted by dvance on
Oh honey--I wish I could come give you a massage (that sounded inappropriate and that's not how I mean it!!!). I have had similar experiences with my ADHD husband. Six years ago he had a breakdown (had planned a suicide), was hospitalized for a week and then moved out for 6 months. I came home from work one day and found his keys on the table--GONE. To this day I don't know where he lived for that time. When he moved back home it was ALL about him because if it wasn't, he might have slipped back into that again. But I tell you what--six years later, it's darn near impossible to course correct now that we are stuck in this mode. If I NEVER hear the word TRIGGER again that would be fine with me. I mean, what DOESN'T trigger them for gods sake?!?!
My advice? Stop doing things for him. He is a grown man (despite all evidence to the contrary). Can you afford to pay someone for massages? Even 30 minutes?? At our local YMCA massages are pretty affordable. I know, I know--easier said than done, but consider this: you are not his mom, he does not care for you the same way you care for him, both literally (physically) and emotionally. That's not fair. A change is not going to come from him. I wouldn't make some grand announcement--they don't remember those anyway. Just pick a few things a week to quit doing for him. Do what you need to do to be happy. For example, I discovered while he was gone for those 6 months that I really like a clean house. For me. Not for him, me. So I no longer resent the time I spend keeping the house the way I like it. Reading his reaction to giving you massages made me really angry--his hands hurt?? Poor baby. He is being a dick. Give me a break. You have a chronic condition that causes you pain and it hurts his hands?? I would lose my mind. I say this not to make you feel worse, but to say I am really sorry that you have to live with his selfishness on top of your physical pain. Now, let me ask you this question. My DH is usually out of sorts for all kinds of reasons, so I figure it really doesn't matter if I piss him off. Is your DH like that? I am NOT suggesting you pick fights-not at all, but why censor yourself so much if he is generally in a mood anyway? That's how it is in my house. Have you asked his therapist or doctors why his anxiety is triggered when you ask him to help? Is his anxiety triggered when he has to do tasks at his job? Is his anxiety triggered if a neighbor, for example, asked him to do a small favor? If all he has is ADHD, that is not really something that needs a caregiver for. ADHD is not really a health issue. If his team of docs is that good, they are his caregivers. (if he has a physical issue that I am not aware of, then clearly ignore some of that!)
Please accept my virtual hugs and sympathy--I do understand and it blows to have a "partner" who really isn't. You can make different small choices that will make you feel a little freer. No gigantic life change, just stop doing some small things each week. My guess? He won't even notice. One example: I used to make DH lunches for work and then one day I went to get something out of his truck and all the lunches I had made were in a bag in the back. Like, weeks worth. All that wasted food, all my wasted time. And I would ask what he wanted, did he NEED a lunch that day before I made them. I spent money on treats, things he asked for and yet weeks worth of bag lunches were rotting in the back of his truck. I threw them away and never made another lunch. I have no idea if he noticed either event. He comes home from work often crabby and headachey because he hasn't eaten all day. I look sympathetic and say nothing. He is 49 years old. He can figure out how to feed himself. Or he can't. Either way, not my problem.
Please update us as to how you are doing. I am sorry for your chronic pain.