So, I am taking a vacation shortly it just dawned on me last night how different getting ready has been from my experiences around vacations with my ex.
Any trip that he and I took, which were mostly just long weekend getaways, was entirely planned by me. He would wave his hand and say "I'm just not good at that stuff so you take care of it and I'll just pay for it." I organize people for a living so it comes natural to me and I thought nothing of it, but after years of every single detail of the responsibility always falling to me it grew extremely tiring to have to plan every trip, every holiday, every everything... even my own birthday getaways.
He was hardly able to even pack his own bag by himself. I would get constant text messages from him while I was home trying to pack my *own* bags and get *myself* ready. They went like this - Should I bring this shirt or this shirt? Which jacket should I bring? Does this tie go with this? My jeans don't fit. Do you like this pocket square? Maybe I should wear the blue jacket instead. Do you think it will be cold? I think I'm going to bring this white shirt instead. Well, what are YOU wearing on Friday night? ....Etc, etc etc.
It was an endless barrage of interruptions and I would inevitably get frustrated and tell him he needed to FIGURE IT OUT because I was trying to get myself ready. And then he would pack enough for a week long trip even though we were going away for just a weekend. I would bring a carry on and a purse and he would bring a full suitcase, a suit bag, his satchel and so on. I would always just shake my head at him. Not really understanding what was going on. Often on the morning of he would decide he needed to take the car in for a "quick" tune up also, or an oil change. Or something.
This time I am going away with a girlfriend of mine. I've never been out of the country before and I always wanted to go with my ex but he would always say "yes we should do that" and then it would never happen. Unless, of course, I took care of it. Instead, this time my friend and I decided together, picked the dates, shared the planning process, packed our own stuff and that was that. Easy. Teamwork.
The difference in the whole process has been astonishing.
Not only that ...but once friends and co-workers found out where I was going they were so incredibly generous with their assistance. Sitting down with me to talk about places to go, sending me links to helpful discounts or their favorite restaurants. Sending emails to friends or coworkers who live locally and introducing me so that I have a touchstone while we're there.
I nearly cried last night because people were actually helping ME.
Anyway.. I just had to write this all down. Even after the fact I keep making discoveries like this and it's all kind of overwhelming.
Thank you for listening.
An epiphany around travel.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on 03/27/2018.
The Lone Ranger
Submitted by jennalemone on
Sounds familiar. I could have written this too. All our independent excursions teach us what our reality is outside the realm of ADD partner. We want to be partners with them, but it just doesn't work to "partner" in the way that we would like to operate with a partner. It is good to get chances to operate with other people now and then so that we keep remembering what it is like to cooperate with others and have them respond with actual agreements and arrangements. With my H, I must continually remember that he works independent of me. I also let him be independent of me when he asks the odd questions to get dressed by himself (or pack). I let him learn the lessons and feel the consequences of his will to be independent from me. He gets to go to the party with a short sleeved shirt in the winter or a heavy sweater in the summer because he asks but does not really want my opinion or help. He seems to dress too casual for the dressup events and too dressed up for the casual events. Like a child, he seems focused on some other importance to him other than dressing for the occasion. I have no idea what goes through his mind when dressing, but it is not dressing for the event....maybe he plays a fun game in his mind of some kind. I just let him be and dress like he wants to....like a strong-willed child showing up with mismatched pjs to the birthday party. He doesn't seem to mind. It usually works out OK. He is a grown man and can dress and pack for himself. I just make him aware of the time and repeat the time we have to leave someplace over and over. Then, if he is not ready at the time we need to leave, I go alone. He has a car and can arrive when he wants to. Many times he just doesn't want to go. It has become OK with me now. Maybe friends think it is odd when I arrive ahead of H. I can't help what other people think. If they ask, I just say that, yes, we are odd. I can't worry about other people's judgments anymore.
The day of my son's wedding party at our large nice home, H decided at the last minute that he wanted to contribute by grilling corn on the cob (an odd thing to serve at a wedding anyhow). He never got dressed out of his morning clothes nor taken a shower after sweating but spent the morning focusing and putting together his corn on the cob. Even though I repeated to him the timing of the food serving, his grilled corn on the cob was ready and put out after the dessert was served, he in his sweaty, smokey shirt and jeans. Yes, we are odd.
Ha Ha Ha....I can't help but laugh Jenna....
Submitted by c ur self on
(We want to be partners with them, but it just doesn't work to "partner" in the way that we would like to operate with a partner.) Now Jenna this a very true statement...I was just reading what CG was talking about in her post....
I think you and I and several more here have come to realize your statement above, and have spent quiet a while learning to step out of the chaos, and accept each others difference's....It's so easy to put down on paper the truth of what we see and experience as we try to coexist along side them....(To partner as you say)....California Girl put that down pretty good ;)
But the trick for me anyway, has been to fully respect her right as an individual, to live as she chooses, (or to live the only way she can, which is closer to the truth than a choice, in many of her ways)....Why would we all have the same story, if they had any ability to do different?...So the reality is I must avoid doing what I tried to do early on in this marriage...And what so many who post here does or did....I must be at full peace that our marriage when it's at it's best....Will look very ODD, LOL, to many on lookers....Except for maybe our adult children, and close friends....Who know our difference's and are just super excited if they can just be around us and see us at peace w/ one another.....
So as you say our normal is not so normal to many.....So it just continue's to come back to this question I have to ask my self...Do I want what California Girl described? Or, had I rather have total respect for my spouse, and be at peace with her, even though we can't partner like I would like to??
Acceptance vs Expectations is the answer....But it's difficult! (understatement)....
I've got a wife that I love very much, and the more I just live quietly, peacefully, and disengaged from owning or speaking into her life style..The more I can see her struggles (fighting time, fighting complete disorganization, fighting her fear of missing out (fomo), fighting her addictions to TV, face book, and snack binges...etc.....)....So do I really think, she isn't going to fight me, when I point out it doesn't have to be that way?? I think I am coming to the realization that I've probably been wrong all this time...It's does have to be this way!...I think my pointing out the chaos and wanting something different was just my selfish desire to partner w/ her in some way that feels normal to me....
The bible teaches us to be equally yoked spiritually....I think we need this same equality in many other area's also...And I think I wouldn't have to twist many arms on this website to get some amen's... Ha Ha!
C
It's really nice, isn' it, to
Submitted by vabeachgal on
It's really nice, isn' it, to have someone help you and make arrangements for you? The last time I visited my daughter, she and her boyfriend made all of the plans. The activities were wonderful, but the most wonderful part of the trip was feeling taken care of. My husband did not even ask for an itinerary, flight information or contact data. You see, he can maintain two private instagram accounts and a private facebook account, but cannot figure out how to remain in contact with me while I travel overseas. I had work colleagues and friends request the information, in case anything would happen. Not my husband. Now, with the divorce just about completed, I am ready to go on a trip for Spring Break. Same deal with my husband. Admittedly, given the circumstances, there is no reason he should get the information from me. My point is that in the past, he's always relied on information being spoon fed to him. This time, of course, I don't care if he is interested or not. It is a liberating feeling. As much as I should not have been hurt by his lack of attention in the past, I was very much hurt by it. It seemed like such a basic thing a family member should do. Any time I ever took a trip with him, which was rare because he never wanted to contribute financially, it was like carrying dead weight. He wouldn't research or plan anything. He wouldn't open his wallet. He was just "there", taking up space. My H is not the fun, adventuresome and out of the box version of ADHD.
You will have a wonderful time with a wonderful travel companion. Enjoy!!!!