Okay-brace yourself for a big vent. DH is 49, unmedicated ADHD. We have been married for 23 years, god help me. We have two sons, ages 18 and 16. We did a big splurge trip with each son with dad (I am a terrible traveler). A few years ago DH and the older one went to Costa Rica. The younger one chose Peru. So-last year's end of the year bonus (before he got fired) paid for the trip. Here's what I asked of him: don't take the child out of school for more than a day or two (this child has a hard time keeping up when he is IN school-let's not take him out) AND don't spend a lot of money on crap. Anyone want to guess what happened? Anyone? Hands? Well, he planned the trip to take up some of the child's spring break--GOOD--but he missed FOUR days of school as well--BAD. And the "don't spend a ton of money on crap". Yeah right. They got home on Thursday. Here's what came home with them: FOUR baseball hats. They each took a hat from home with them, but kept forgetting them when they went out during the days and had to keep buying more. Alpaca statues--FOUR alpaca statues. WHY??? Sure, alpacas are cute, but seriously-I don't need them to be a big part of our decor. FOUR. Three handmade pouch-type wallets. THREE. All exactly the same. I have a wallet, as do both kids. Many t-shirts (those are okay). An alpaca couch blanket. Our couches are deep green with lemon yellow throw pillows. The blanket they bought is brown. Does not match at all. Whatever. A scarf for me (like one that goes under a winter coat). The scarf is also brown with bright pink - you guessed it - alpacas on it. My winter coats are black and navy. A large Peruvian tapestry to hang...somewhere. And every single serve snack they had on every flight. I have a pile of little packages of nuts, shortbread, dried fruit. WHY bring this stuff home?? Oh--I forgot--two watercolors, supposedly done by some famous local artist. Unframed. And the most head scratching item: a bracelet for DH. It cost $50. This thick black something with silver Inca crosses on it. Again I ask you why?? We are not Inca and DH is not the least bit religious, in fact he told me recently he only came to church with me for many years because it was important to me, but he really doesn't believe in anything. So why Inca crosses? And maybe it's just me, but stupid bracelets on grown men who wear suits to work looks ridiculous to me. He used to wear this cord with a silver arrow on it--a nod to the archery he used to do--that looked ridiculous on him too. I realize how petty this all sounds. I am not a clutter girl, hate spending money on junk. Why purchase stuff that has no meaning AND buy so many items--4 statues?? Three wallets? I don't understand. The wallets in particular--all three are exactly the same. I won't use one, neither with either child. So who are they for? I'm sure it's the impulsive ADHD thing--OH--THIS IS PRETTY AND CHEAP! GET MANY! But geez. Grow up and get some control. I know--if our ADHD people could grow up and get some control none of us would be on this board or stuck in marriages that are so deeply unsatisfying. DH has a passive aggressive streak a mile wide, so I am sure there is some of that going on too--I told him to do something, so he did exactly the opposite. So exhausting to live with. How long do I have to keep the ugly scarf before I can donate it? I won't wear it, but he may ask me about it. A month? Tomorrow? Help me!!!
Okay--thanks for letting me vent. Stupid alpacas.
This something I would I think Dvance....
Submitted by c ur self on
( I realize how petty this all sounds. I am not a clutter girl, hate spending money on junk.)....This is me, I'm just like you in this...My wife, is just like your husband in this.....You probably know that he doesn't care about what you think about his life style....Just like my wife doesn't care what I think about her collection of Junk....
But....It's very hard to accept their actions, when we end up smothered by the junk....I just laughed....There is no way to be married to them, and not be impacted by it....What makes it double bad for us....(or me at least)....Because of the lack of Organization I may see this junk piled up some where in the house for years....It never makes it to an orderly place.....
I hear you! ;).....But if we can just discipline ourselves to not advice them, and some how stop ourselves from analyzing their actions, we or so much better off...Cause they will be these same people in the morning...
C
Oh it's clear he does not
Submitted by dvance on
Oh it's clear he does not give two hoots about my opinion about pretty much anything. His closet is a complete nightmare, his car is a complete nightmare, our garage spaces are a complete nightmare. He may have hoarder tendancies--not sarcastically. He cannot let go of anything. What usually happens is I wait a period of time and then pitch or donate stuff and he never notices. I understand the accumulation of stuff is a physical manifestation of everything that is wrong with ADHD--impulse control: no matter how many of these I already own, I must have more OR this is pretty/shiny/cool--I must have five--that kind of thing. Add the passive aggressive "I'll do whatever I damn please" nature of ADHD. And the poor memory--not remembering they already own whatever it is OR forgetting stuff they need while out and having to re-purchase it, often repeatedly. Also the "I know better than anyone else on earth". I wanted DH and the child to take sunscreen and he said no, no-won't need it. Guess what they had to purchase when they got there?? SUNSCREEN! That particular example is not a big deal, just more evidence of the lack of listening to anyone about anything.
You nailed it when you said we cannot be under the same roof and not be impacted. SO. MUCH. STUFF. I no longer say anything to him because you are 100% right--he does not care what I think. About anything. Real nice way to be married, isn't it. I will wait a period of time and donate the stuff I hate and that will be that.