Finding this has been an absolute God send and my brain is going crazy trying to get all the info i can! I've been married for 22 yrs and have 4 children. My 2nd born has been diagnosed with adhd and depression at 14yo. My husband always said he has the attention span of a gnat and that he knows he's selfish but doesn't mean to be hurtful. I've learned to not rely on things he says because he says
"i changed my mind" all the time, and he often completely forgets. He does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, regardless of others most of the time. I've learned to write him if we need to communicate about a deeper topic because he interrupts all the time and a simple topic turns into a fight with him just walking away. We are both extremely stubborn so it doesn't end well. I always thought I as the problem, high maintenance, demanding, expecting too much etc. Now i can see that I'm not the big problem. Obviously I've got things to work on, just meaning that I'm not as bad as maybe I thought I was. Make sense? His highs are so high, and revolve around exciting and new circumstances, his lows are low and revolve around difficult circumstances. He wants to move every 5 yrs to seek new adventure because current situation has become boring and well, not new. Always wants to be on the go and bored, seeking new things to do and I'm a home body just wanting quiet and stability. He makes impulsive decisions but doesn't always act upon them. For instance, we had a life change recently and we said we'd always keep our current house as a "home base" no matter what happens. I should have known better trusting him. Just this wk end he came home and told me we are selling the house.
He can hyper focus like it's his job though! And he often asks like a child with my kids who are older now and thinks it's stupid, where once it was awesome to hang out with dad. Even my 11 yo looks at him weird. How do I wrap up 22yrs worth of experiences and life into one message to show that everything has become so clear and I just keep going "Ohhhhhhhh, that makes sense now!!!"
I'm so lost at the moment with what to do with all this new info and where to go from here. He thinks add/adhd is not a thing and stupid. I agree it's a blanket diagnosis often used too much in young kids in school. But this seems legit and he fits so much of it. I want to talk to him about it but, well, there's the listening thing, the thing where he jumps to conclusions and discounts me, and the thing where he thinks this really isn't a thing! I'm not trying to change him, but rather for him to acknowledge that this might be a factor in our marriage that has caused much harm. Even getting treatment imo isn't as high a priority, but to just know that this is part of it. kwim?
Guess I'd love to know how you approached it with your spouse who didn't really think it was legitimate? I'm a but nervous and look forward to hearing from you!
Hello Splunky
Submitted by c ur self on
Your post makes a lot of sense....But I would like to suggest something to you, that I feel could save you possibly years of grief....Believe your husband, respect his opinion and his view of his mind (add/adhd is stupid, and not a thing)....And do what you need to from that perspective...
You can manage your life, set up boundaries, get qualified counseling (maybe he will go) and you can do all that I've listed constructively, w/ little to no emotional damage to yourself or the children...But if you decide you are going force an adult to SEE and ACCEPT that he has a mind issue (an adult who has a closed mind and is in denial that it's a possibility) that is responsible for most of your marriage problems, you are fixing to create some hard times for yourself, and the children if they are subjected to conversation attempts, and fallout....
See, it doesn't matter what his diagnosis is, or even if he has one...What matter's is that you deal w/ the behaviors....Example....Here's a boundary for you....When he walks in and makes the statement "We are selling the house!"....We means more than himself...LOL....You've got to start showing up...Not to fight or argue, but, you can't allow poor behavior to control you...You matter....My wife is add at a clinical level, she is medicated most days...But her behaviors, and her personality doesn't change a whole lot with the meds....I had to stop responding (or even having a thought about it) to all the rash and not thought out comments she just puts out there....He sounds like someone who just speaks what ever he is thinking, and considers it later...You don't have to be disrespectful to walk away from the impulsive jargon...I've gotten to where if I say anything in those times...I say "Do you want to ask me a question?"...(two things that does, it gives them the benefit of the doubt, and it also allows them to realize their error, and correct it) He can't make statements for WE, when he hasn't approached YOU in a respectful way to get YOUR thoughts and feelings about moving or what ever the subject matter happens to be...
People who have a spouse that just comes out verbally with thoughtless comments and just throws a blanket statement over everyone else in the family, must be walked away from and never taken seriously....That's how you change them, You can never change them with words (pointing it out)...If we could we wouldn't be needing this forum....
So if you work on you, and any negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors you are spewing out there (no matter what you blame it on) and discipline yourself to not react to anything he says or does that isn't kind and thoughtful of you, you will find your relationship and your ability to communicate will drastically improve over time...
Usually the way that goes down is....He will not like it at all to begin with (expect it)....Because he has had you right where he wants you...He could control you and manipulate you...But once you stop reacting or speaking to the childish and thoughtless comments and behaviors, he will eventually have to face himself...(If he wants to have a calm, two sided, respectful, adult conversation with his wife that is, it may take a while, but he will) My wife did, it's taken a few years, but, it is much better now...What ever you have to do, do it....Never enable him, never let him make plans for you for anything without your permission...If there are things that always turn bad because of hyper focus, are faulty priorities, then do not take part....You hold the power of your own peace in your hands....
You just have to set those boundaries....Not because you don't love him...But because you do....See, most of the time, the person who needs to change is us....We are the angry one's who have allowed our selves to be treated in ways we would never treat another person....This treatment is coming from a happy person much of the time, a person that is just following the mind that they have (Nature & Nurture)....Most of the chaotic behavior isn't intentional, nor meant to hurt us...So that is why they go into denial, when we start objecting to their normal tendencies....They would just live the same way with us or with out us...So when we start running interference for them and enabling them...They learn to love it, and quickly....
Blessings
C
C, boundaries and bad behavior
Submitted by dedelight4 on
C, I do admire how well you treat your wife, and your outlook on life and personal change. She is fortunate indeed to have a loving, caring huaband such as you, even if she doesnt realize it. Almost everything you say is remarkable, and I admire your outlook and fortitude. I already do many of the things you talk about as far as patience, not reacting. Etc. But I do disagree with your some of your comments about dealing with the poor behaviors though.
I and "some of the others" are the wives of husband's with ADHD. Some of us depend on our husbands incomes since they were/are, the larger wage earner. And in my case, became disabled from a car accident and subsequent surgeries. I got no compensation for my life long injuries, from someone else's careless driving.
If I could live completely separate from him (money wise) I would, but I have no income, other than a VERY small disability check. (Less than 700. a month) I also need help now with living, because my body is breaking down, and broke down faster from "over" doing since DH wouldn't do household or yard things, (but would complain about them) Plus, the many, many years of picking up after his endless gigantic messes. He couldn't even put a coat in a coat closet.I tried NOT picking up after him for several weeks, and the house was a DISASTER, piles everywhere. He didn't help, didn't try, didn't have time to help. Always yelling about "his" work, which was sitting endless hours at the computer. It just made everything worse. He just yelled more, because the house was a mess. He was angry that I didn't have a large paying "career" like other women had. But, even if I did have a good paying career, he still wouldn't have done any house/yard work. His thinking didn't incorporate that he had to help also In the house and yard,. When he did, it was minimal and would be for about 15 maybe 20 minutes ( on a Saturday)and back to the computer. Being the spouse of a very "messy" person is distracting and frustrating, since a house needs to be functional and liveable. Plus, I did all the shopping, cooking, taking care of children, homework, clothes for everyone, running to school functions and well, everything ELSE. He worked his job.......that's it. Yes, he worked hard, and I appreciated this immensely, and often told him that. I didn't yell, scream, call him names.....nothing like that, even when my frustration levels were off the charts. I didn't start fights, in fact we never really "fought", but did have some arguments occasionally. I would try to get something resolved, but rarely was anything resolved.
You talk about not joining in on their decisions. This can sometimes be impossible, when H has made decisions without me, like when he took this current job, and move. I was very much against it for many reasons, because I researched the job, the area, the income, the potential for advancement, and this was a poverty stricken area with no room to go anywhere. I knew he would regret it, and he has regretted it a LOT.,but he would not listen to anything I had to say, even when I was calm, collected, and showed him my results, then I cried, was hurt and devastated because he took the job without my acceptance. And, he didn't even care why I was concerned about this move, he just DID it. That, is not just ADHD, this is about NOT caring about your wife and her feelings and her need for security and safety. His " wanting" a change and something "new" outweighed the security and safety of his wife as well as for us as a couple. He only thought about himself.
Anyway, . I am an organist/pianist/accompanist. Was a church organist and community choir pianist (same time) and accompanist for anything and everything, for many, many years. It just didn't pay well, but it WAS a profession. Someone has to do those jobs, but again, they don't pay like other careers and there's no benefits.
C, their decisions can cost us BIG time, and really devastate our financial welfare and lives. i think I read before that both you and your wife make good and separate incomes, (unless I have that wrong). We've declared bankruptcy once already and are now facing this again. DH's poor financial decisions have cost us in many ways. He's stubborn, and because he makes the "money" says he's the only one who can "control" it. Yes, this is WRONG, because it affects BOTH our lives. Every bill is late, "he forgot", then gets mad when charges come, and when we get punished for the lateness. We have 2 liens on our house because he won't pay our residential dues, which we are very behind on. Our yard is a mess, with all his junk sitting outside rusting in the rain. C, it never ends, even though he himself would be angry as heck if our neighbors had junk in THEIR yards, and WE had the clean yard. The " Double Standard", is what I think I'm trying to say. H lives a double standard, to where NO one can do to him, what he does to me or anyone else.
I have read dozens of books on marriage, relationships, counseling, Christian marriage, human behavior, and also ADHD. DH, has read none, and is not interested in how his ADHD affects his world, because he thinks it is just a "focus" problem for him. Anyway, in my reading and watching videos, I learned that God made women to be "responders" to their husband. She responds to how he treats her, and men also respond to how they are treated, but in some different ways. God made men/husbands to be the spiritual head of the house, and protector of his wife/family, and helpmeet for the wife. (To help "meet" the needs of the wife) The wife should honor and respect her husband, loving him and caring for her family. And yes, I know in today's society (since the 60's) this is a very UNPOPULAR idea for women and men. But, just because society has changed the idea of what marriage is, doesn't mean that God has changed, or changed His ideal for marriage and family life.
But, when denial of ADHD is in the relationship, we wives don't get a caring, protective husband. He doesn't see the need for her security and safety, protection, as well as love. We have to take on roles we just really aren't "designed" for. This is NOT to say we can't DO these things, of course we can, but we need a BREAK. Yes a break from the multiple years of unbalanced lives. I believe this comes into play even more so when we are getting older and can accomplish less physically. So many things are harder and take longer to do, simply from the aging process. This is another area where the unbalanced life of adhd comes into play. One person ends up inevitably doing more, even if they physically cant. It seems like its sort of being married without actually BEING married, but you still have to live as IF you ARE married.
There are several women in the past year or two that have had to call it quits after LONG term marriages, because of an unwilling ADHD husband in denial. These women didn't want the world, werent asking for anything unreasonable, and I don't even think they wanted "much", but they did want to know they were important enough to their husbands, and also that their husbands cared " enough" about the marriage to seek SOME kind of help for their condition. Only after years of trying everything they possibly could, seeking help from every direction possible, hanging in there for several decades, praying and hoping for somewhat of a better life, and not seeing a glimmer of hope, did they finally make that final decision to end it, and call it quits. None of the husband's as of yet, have tried to make amends or tell them the words they longed to hear. ....."Yes, I have a problem, and let's get help together"
And, yes, I understand your emphasis on just focusing on our OWN behavior and learning to be happy with just THAT. None of us got married thinking that our lives would end up living married but yet "unmarried" lives. It IS very difficult adjusting to that premise, and to live with someone who if we passed away wouldn't even be "bothered" all that much. This is a VERY hard thing to come to terms with. Even God Himself wants LOVE from each of us, wants us to talk to Him, and pray to Him about our lives, and says that often in the scriptures. So, even He wants to be acknowledged for what He does for us. Its just hard to accept that the rest of your marriage, you know you will never be that "important someone" to your spouse. We all need some affirmation once in a while, we all need encouragement once in a while, and we all need love.
Please, I'm NOT trying to be harsh here, not at all. I sometimes think you might be putting too much on those who have been doing this way of life for decades, and are exhausted, who just need encouragement instead of more "But, you still need to do more and expect less".
I'm glad its made a difference in your marriage. There's no easy answers I guess, and even more so for the ones living with adhders in denial. Thanks for all you do and write. Your words are very encouraging to many who come here. Thanks. Have a great day.
Dede
I understand Dede....
Submitted by c ur self on
Most of us come here for support, and some for other things...Many of us are married to someone who does not put energy and effort into living with us as they should....Many of us deal w/ irresponsibility, self absorbed minds, and someone who takes no though of our needs, whether physical, emotional or mental...
I do understand about being dependent financially...That's is big one!....But the things that we both vowed to be responsible for (us and them) that isn't a priority for us....What that means is we have a spouse who isn't fit to have a life mate....And if it's me/us not meeting their needs then we aren't fit / worthy of a spouse....
In my opinion....As for as God's plan for marriage, the scripture is very clear on that...But, those words are for those who are hungry for those truths (born again believers) and seek to be molded by them...But that only happens when I submit my will to his....I have no power with in my carnal mind to live a peaceful life...Unless I'm fully trusting in his love and his presence in my life...If I try it just depending on my own will power, it eventually fails and my fears, and my own desires will take me over...(Sadly my faith fails at times, but, he is faithful to restore me, and forgive me when I repent) I just can't allow my present circumstances to hinder my faith and trust in him...
I don't have to judge my spouse, nor her me...The fruit our lives are producing (our deeds) on a daily bases identifies us...All the judgments and verbal accusations just make a bad situation worse (I've done to much of it)...It usually happens when my fear (attempting to save my own life) overrides my faith....
I know you feel trapped, and I know you have served your spouse and loved him, and done all to honor him....And I know his life style, and the mind that controls him has hurt you.....If I could make it better, I would fly to you and do it...But you and I are more blessed than some....We know who loves us, and who supplies our needs, we know where home is....
I just can't change her by beating her down with words (having negative reactions)...Constantly pointing out the selfishness, and the refusal to be a wife...I will pack my bags and leave before I go down that miserable road again....But I can manage my life, focus on ways I can show love for her, and also put boundaries in our relationship that forces accountability....
You are right, I don't know very much about how to deal with the poor behavior of my spouse....But this one thing I know that is working for me....Never make it my own.....
I pray for you often, I hope you do the same for me....
C