Welp. H and I read through the communication section of the book together. However, nothing has changed. Asked him to exercise the dog this weekend while I was away (I normally do it exclusively). Came home Sunday and he had not exercised the dog that day, only Saturday. H says he thought "this weekend" meant one day of the weekend, since I don't take the dog to exercise every day of the weekend all the time. Okay, YES, I do take him to exercise every day of the weekend that it is possible. Some days, particularly in the winter, the weather is a problem. However, we don't have a fenced yard, and we have a large dog. He needs to get out and run around every day that he can. So I asked him why he would think "the weekend" means one day--especially given that Sunday was very fine, and that Monday, the dog would have to be cooped up all day because we are both at work until 6 p.m.--I pointed out that I didn't understand why he would think "the weekend" meant one day for the dog, when "the weekend" means Friday through Sunday for his video game playing (he also plays all week long in the evenings too). I ended up taking the dog to exercise myself, even though I was tired from my weekend away. Yes, he said he would do it if I wanted him to, but he would not say anything about why he felt like one day was enough for exercising him, meanwhile his games are all weekend long.
Okay, so he literally cut me off while I was talking to tell me that he "heard me and now I know that he heard me." Then left the conversation. He refuses to acknowledge anything I have said about this topic since then, including today. He refuses to discuss or acknowledge that I really don't understand why he thinks this. He HAS had a discussion about the chores section of the book, but would not discuss anything I cared about (ie, the dog exercise chore, and why it's somehow fine for the dog to just exercise once on the weekend). So, when I tried to bring it up again today, he literally said he would not be discussing anything else. He is in his office just on his computer and has been ignoring me for hours.
I know I'm supposed to give space and not pursue, but is it really that whatever he decides to ignore (anything that I have concerns about), then I just don't pursue and be ignored? And that's okay? Like, okay, if he wanted to talk about it later or something, but he just decides not to talk to me at all. Ever. He does this for days at a time. And then either I just give up trying to approach him, or he just won't talk to me. Either way, he literally just won't listen to me whatsoever.
As I read this the first
Submitted by barneyarff on
As I read this the first thing that struck me is that there was acknowledgement of the problem (kind of. I mean, who doesn't think Sunday is part of a weekend?) but there is no resolution.
Resolution is part of the process. Without resolution, what the heck is the rest of the conversation for?
This happens to me a lot. IF I can ever get H to admit to a problem, there is no resolution so we are stuck in the same problem. It's frustrating. AND in my opinion, this is how they control the situation. They still get to ignore the problem even though they finally admitted it existed. What a childish way to live.
And his reply was childish. Once again, why should we treat them as adults? They don't even wat to be adults
In the book "Too Good to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
In the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," the author discusses several different types of behavior in troubled marriages. One that she describes as particularly damaging is "off-the-table-itis." This occurs when one of the partners regularly refuses to talk about problems. The author says that if problems can't even be discussed, they obviously can't be resolved.
My ex-husband has off-the-table-itis. Yes, it was practically impossible to overcome.
Depressing
Submitted by MsCrankyPants (not verified) on
Yeah, we tried to have a "structured discussion" today. I mentioned the thing I wanted to talk about, and he immediately moved the discussion to something else. Now he says we can talk about it on Thursday. WTF, why am I even agreeing? This is pointless.
And when/if you have that
Submitted by barneyarff on
And when/if you have that meeting on Thursday, even if the two of you come to some agreement, when the agreement doesn't come to fruition and you ask him why, I've got a quarter that says he will reply "I only agreed to shut you up"
This is the thing.... why would many of the ADDers change? They have everything they want, except shutting you up. If they achieve that, they have reached Nirvana. I know I sound bitter.... I am bitter... but there comes a time to see a thing for what it is and quit making excuses.
Roller Coaster
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I think this dynamic is what causes a lot of the roller coaster effect and the spiralling down of behaviors and attitudes. The non ADHD spouse gets his or her hopes up and it ends up feeling like another broken promise (which it is). The feelings become hardened and the resentments greater. The ADHD person feels pressured and the responses have to do with making it through the moment and getting that person off his or her back. The promises aren't real and don't last. In the end, you end up with so much polarization. The ADD person doesn't think he or she can do anything right and the non ADHD partner ends up completely hopeless, as you just described.
In my case, as long as my H controlled me enough and could keep me relatively off his back, there was no need at all to change. When he finally realized that he needs to change somethings, marital and otherwise, I no longer cared. I was done.
barneyarff
Submitted by phatmama on
"They have everything they want, except shutting you up. If they achieve that, they have reached Nirvana." My God, if this isn't the truest statement I have ever heard, then I don't know what is. ADHD isn't the problem--didn't you know? It is the nagging and complaining about the ADHD fallout that is the problem! If we would just be joyfully supportive at all times in all ways, then all would be right with the world. SMH.
Pretty much.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
If I left my ex alone about all of the problems that were facing him and us ... We could go out and have nice dinners at expensive restaurants and hang out with friends and go to concerts and wine tasting and lay around the house and dance around the kitchen and take lovely walks and have great sex and he would fawn over me with I love you's and adoration and lavish gifts. He could buy all the expensive bikes, clothes, gadgets, barware and electronics he wanted. He didn't have to adhere to any schedule, make any plan, clean anything up, do paperwork or have uncomfortable conversations. I made him nice meals and did the laundry. He could go be "Joe, the guy who everyone loves" at work and play pool and ride his motorcycle and sit around at happy hour and pontificate about life, the universe and everything. Not a care in the world.
But the moment I tried to address any of the out-of-control problems that he was so merrily ignoring and come up with a plan to work together to solve them everything would go to hell. The avoidance, blame, lip service, and manipulation would start. How dare I remind him of reality.
And how dare I point out things like.. With what money exactly are you going to buy a bar and fix it up? And no I will not buy a house for us (with my money) while you are still married to someone else. And no I do not agree that we should go on a 4 day trip to wine country again when you have not paid your taxes. And why is it that you have time to leave work in the middle of the day to go shopping but not to meet with an attorney or an accountant? And do you understand that you are causing more problems and more pain by not dealing with these things?
What a wet blanket, amirite?
So when he couldn't get me to shut up one more time.. he left altogether.
"when he couldn't get me to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"when he couldn't get me to shut up one more time.. he left altogether."
My ex did this, too.
I realize now that my H left
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I realize now that my H left the marriage also, he was there in body but not in spirit or partnership. He was too cowardly to have an adult conversation. He was perfectly happy to accept the happy facade we presented to the world and all of the "good stuff" of being married. He didn't want any of the responsibility. He mentally checked out rather than step up and meet obligations. I wish I had realized it at the time but I was too busy working to save the marriage and, basically, figure out WTF. You see, I finally shut up due to absolutely frustration and hopelessness. Then... he ended up with all of the benefits of marriage and family without any of the responsibilities. He operated according to his own agenda. Free. I was trapped in the miserable marriage. He remained relatively free - so long as I didn't find out about all of his behind my back activities. When I did find out about the dating sites, he had a true "oh shit" moment, or few. THEN I heard about how much we meant to him, etc. EXCEPT, the lies and behavior continued. He gave enough to get me off his back - for awhile. I am happy I chose to end it. At least it's been on my terms, not a few more wasted years down the road when he decided to grow a pair and dump me. Harsh. Yes. I am choosing to live in a very reality based place right now. I've had enough smoke and mirrors. At least now I have enough years left to rebuild a satisfactory life and enjoy it.
Four weeks until D day. What do I find? An empty envelope with a state dept of taxation return address. Hmmmm... that's been my life. Why, oh why, would I need to know anything about anything, when he can just hide it and sweep it all under the rug.
I read something interesting yesterday. An article suggested that lying changes brain chemistry and also that the rush of lying fuels a need for dopamine, similar to addiction. It was interesting, although I am no longer interested in researching all of this stuff. Basically, it told me that his lying may be a very, very ingrained and almost biochemical process. It offered me reassurance that it will likely never change and I should not feel guilty about my decision.
My ex checked out of the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex checked out of the relationship, left our home to become his parents' caregiver, stopped talking to me when he was gone, but said he wanted to stay married. And why not? He had no responsibilities, could easily avoid talking to me, had me and my share of marital property on the hook for his financial obligations, and could pass himself off as a married man.