Hi and so pleased to have found this space. I have never reached out like this before but I am feeling so broken. A long story short - I've been living with my bf of 3 years who has recently been diagnosed as having ADHD, like just last week.
He has moved to his sisters and finally gone to the doctors. We both have to move out of the home I have had for 10 years because finances have gotten so out of control, rent couldn't be paid and its all in my name and now I am being evicted.
In the beginning, he was so amazing and attentive - completely swept me off my feet - buying me a ticket to go to Corfu with him for a month, when I arrived nearly everyone I met (tiny village) tld me how excited he was about my coming to stay with him (he was working away there for the summer)....we ended up staying for 3 months and the intense lovingness started to slip away. I understand this to bethe hyperfocus thing now, I have read so much about everything - I am trying very hard to make sense of what has happened and understand.
I thought the stress of making ends meet abroad was the cause initially of our arguments, so I suggested we came back to UK and to my place - I loved him so much, I wanted to help...idk
He has had huge rage type meltdowns, literally screaming spitting in my face over the tiniest things. Has repeatedly blamed for pretty much any shortcoming he has - this happens every few days and I have been walking on eggshells and trying so many different things to help him organise his business. Everytime he hasn't applied himself and then raged at me for it - I've been completely dumbfounded and the arguments and shouting and berating have made me an anxious wreck. Everything has become complete chaos and I am a shaking mess, but he has this diagnosis now and I am hurting so much that he can't look back and say sorry.
He calls the arguments 'upsets'. I call them rage meltdowns - I have watched him punch himself in the head on one occasion and tear off his own t-shirt on another. Around this time last year I had a miscarriage that had various complications and he screamed at me outside of the hospital. He just writes it off saying he was 'hangry'. But it was so bad that a woman stopped her car near me and asked if I was ok and needed a ride out of there. I developed septicemia and had to have surgery - he actually was pretty nasty to me when I came out of there too - yet stayed by side the whole time. I get so confused because he can literally be screaming at me then 5 mins later come and stroke my hair and be like its never happened.
I've been so scared at times, and I have gotten so depressed it unreal - I hardly recognise myself anymore. Everything bad that happens is my fault in his eyes, anything he doesn't do oh just everything. Even asking a simple question could set off a tirade. I stayed because every now and again I see the glimmer of the person I met and fell for and my pot of hope is ridiculously big, until recently. I stayed too because its my house, or was. Slowly everything has turned into chaos, he insisted on handling the finances and is unapproachable to talk about money - I have helped him in his business and work affectively for meals. Havent had any of my own money for such a long time - I had forgotten my pin number at the cashpoint the other day! I begged to help budget but its always thrown in my face and he blames all financial problems onto me and calls me a user and a loser becuase I am struggling to keep up with running my own business because I have practically lost the urge to get out of bed in the morning. He shouts at me that I am sex starving him because I dont want to just suddenly have sex, but I don't feel sexy anymore, I feel depressed and more like a parent than a SO.
Now he has been diagnosed, its like everything that has happened doesn't matter, but I am left here completely reeling - he seems happy, and I am for him that he can start to improve the quality of his life. I am devastated that he cannot see or acknowledge the affects it had had on our relationship and living situation. I thought I was going crazy.
If you've read this, thank you for taking the time. I hope you can make some sense of it, I'm not feeling like I being very coherent and keep bursting into tears all the time.
Sorry
Submitted by adhd32 on
Sorry you are going through this now. Since you are living separately now my advise is to stay that way...separate. If you still desire a relationship with him make the stipulation that it is dependent on him seeking help and working on his issues. If you see improvement and want to get back together know that this condition will always be a part of him. It may get better or over time it may get so much worse. Ask yourself some hard questions and be honest about the answers. Can you see yourself being evicted with young children in tow? Are you prepared to be the primary breadwinner for the rest of your life? Can you take the blame for everything wrong in his life forever? I urge you to read through the boards and get a feel for how life with little ones ends up being much like a single parent home with SO as another child. Many of us NONs on here tolerate our situation for various reasons but if we had known 30 years ago we would have run for the hills. What would you urge your best BFF to do?
HI adhd32,
Submitted by kitten808 on
HI adhd32,
Thanks for reading. I have been reading threads in this forum and it does confirm to me that I don't feel like I can face this for the rest of my life. Yes, if it were my bff - I'd be telling her/helping her to get away, I think. I think that is what hurts too, I feel like I'm uncompassionate by saying I can't deal with it anymore.
Well, first of all welcome!
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
Well, first of all welcome! I am sorry you have so much hurt and anger but I have been in your shoes. So what does your boyfriend think about his diagnosis? Is he accepting of it and taking medication? He needs medication it seems. My DH had the rage outbursts that broke walls, mirrors, and other things (Never abusive towards me). My guess is that your boyfriend is embarrassed or really upset by his past actions and would like to forget them even though I know you cannot right away. The outcome of your situation is going to rely on whether or not he wants to get better. If he does, he will slowly begin to talk about things such as finances, sex life, and the hurt he caused you. It is a lot to take in all at once. My DH accused me of wanting him to change everything about himself but then after diagnose and several long talks he understands that he was not acting right. Let him figure stuff out for a bit and then decide what is best for you. You have the advantage of knowing about his diagnosis before you got married. Many of us, including me, did not. Best of luck!
Hi
Submitted by kitten808 on
Hi
Thank you so much for reading. I feel greatly for him as I know he is really so angry/frustrated by himself and the diagnosis comes as a strange relief to both of us for various reasons I'm sure. He doesn't want to take the meds - which I can understand but it also kind of annoys me - he's watching youtubes and looking at private counseling which he cannot currently afford. I suggested we just focus on healing ourselves, apologised for my contribution to any pain and hurt but just got snidey remarks back. I can't imagine the marriage we so often talked about in the beginning. I'd really rather crawl under a rock till end of days. I feel like a B***h for being like "OK, thats what that complete tornado was" and uncompassionate for not wanting to stay in the relationship, but walking on eggshells is having a detrimental effect on my career, health, my home and I've been dropping the ball A LOT in my own life to pick up the pieces in his. I have told him to just focus on himself now.
I think that you are smart to
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
I think that you are smart to get out now if you do not want to live the rest of your life in chaos. If he is not willing to take meds (which helped my marriage greatly) I would be very afraid if I was you. I was already marriage with a child when my husband got diagnosed. It answered a lot of questions for me and made sense out of a lot of heartbreak I had endured. I felt relieved that my DH was very welcoming of medication and counseling after my insistence, of course. If we were not married I would not have stayed, plain and simple.
Walking on egg shells is a terrible way to live....
Submitted by c ur self on
Many of us, maybe most of us who read and post here are asking the same questions you are, and we are trying to live through the same dynamic much of the time that is causing you so much concern....There are many nice men and women in this world who are personable and even entertaining ( make nice friends in social settings, where things are light, and they feel no pressure to be responsible) But, their life styles do not work well in a marital relationships....
When there is no consistency in patients and kindness the ability to communicate real life important things is crippled or non-existent....When a person has little to no filter, and seemingly very little ability to feel regret, repentance or make real heart felt apologies, then any life you have with them will be filled with controversy...Lots of frustration and negative emotion...And then comes the eggshells you were talking about...Eventually if you stay together and start having children, you want have time to concern yourself as much, because you will be to busy...After the kids get grown you will become a pro at posting...Just because you need someone to talk to that will hear you....All I can tell you is the same thing I wish I had done...Be the fly on the wall, (disassociate emotionally, making life decisions based on emotion is a terrible thing to do...I know!) then do what you would tell your best friend to do
These ladies gave you good advice....
blessings
c
Hi, this unfortunately may
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
Hi, this unfortunately may not be what you want to hear, but I would run away. Really, really far and never look back. You see, once you guys start purchasing things together, such as cars and a house or once you have children things can become really difficult. I myself am 13 years into this nightmare and would go back and change it if I could. There are just not that many success stories here (IMO) and we all deserve so much more. Get out while you still have an idea of who you used to be and what you can become.