Submitted by Libby on 05/21/2018.
I am wondering if this is an ADD trait. I am constantly being asked to do things for DH that I feel a 56 year old man should be able to do for himself. He came to me last night with pill bottles in his hands. Couldn't figure out how much Advil to take. If I had told him to read the label he would have a screaming fit at me. I know we shouldn' be in a parent child dynamic but what to do if the ADD spouse seems to want it this way. He cannot seem to read a map or a measuring tape either. He relys on me a lot but has the attitude that I do nothing for him. Does anyone else deal with this?
I did.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
My ex would ask me the following on the regular:
- How many minutes something should go in the microwave for reheating.
- What he should pack for a weekend trip.
- What he should wear to dinner out.
- What/how many of something he should buy. (if left to his own devices he would buy several of whatever it was by default)
- If we needed something at the store, even if we had a list.
- If he had chosen the right wine to bring over to a friends house for dinner. (I would ask him if he could go pick out a Cabernet Sauvignon from the closet, thinking that was enough that he could take it from there but not usually. He would often bring back two and still ask me to choose.)
- What kind of cocktail he should make for himself, even though he had several books on the subject and a hundred different mixers, bitters and spirits to choose from.
Twice he called me on the day of local voting as well, wanting me to sit on the phone and help him figure out who and what to vote for.
I didn't understand it at the time but now that I look back, I feel like it is related to the difficulties around making decisions in general (too many choices, perhaps) - plus uncertainty around making a mistake or somehow otherwise not getting it "right".
I don't have any tips on how to manage that dynamic, unfortunately. Similarly my ex would ask me for direction on all these things and many more but yet somehow still accused me of never doing anything for him/us. No awareness.
Just wanted you to know that it seems familiar, though.
The election thing reminds me
Submitted by Libby on
The election thing reminds me that he asks me who we are voting for. It' almost as if he sees us as one person. He can' separate me from himself.
YES! I have to "tell" him
Submitted by barneyarff on
YES! I have to "tell" him what he needs to do, but then, even though he has asked, I'm a bully and mean and quite often he does the opposite. If I tell him that it's his decision, he gets mad and has a fit. I really can't win.
I hate this.
Yes.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
To kind of tie in todays earlier thread ... My ex had no problem with my help, as long as it met his expectations. If it didn't, all hell would break loose.
Even after we broke up... and he had treated me like shit on his shoe for three months .... he had the nerve to immediately suggest that A) Could I go talk to his son about some problem that was going on.... and B) I should come pick up the last of my belongings from his office.
No joke.
I was like.... Are you high? I am not going out of my way for you again EVER.
In fact, those were the very last words I said to him. I am not going out of my way for you again EVER.
After that he dropped off my things in the lobby of my offices and we have never spoken again.
In his mind, though, I'm probably still the asshole...
Boy, howdy. That is my life.
Submitted by barneyarff on
Boy, howdy. That is my life. I feel so guilty and manipulated. If I help him, then he gets his way and if I would suggest he read the label, then I'm mean. If I say, "well let's read the label together," he gets impatient. If I read the label to him, he huffs and puffs. I can't win.
Then I have experts telling me how bad I am because I'm a parent.
I get so tired of being the villain. My therapist has finally told me he thinks I'm being abused a bit because my husband is always acting like the victim and it seems to be my fault.
Simple tasks
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
My wife frequently e-mails me computer files to print for her. I point out that it would be easier for her to just print them herself, but she insists on doing this. The new twist is that we now have a printer that allows you to print by e-mail. She still sends them to me.
There are also some really simple tasks that I do seem to be the only person in the family who is capable of doing them--closing the front door, for example.
simple tasks not simple for her.
Submitted by husband33 on
i always thought she was being manipulative or lazy or passive aggressive forgetting to complete simple tasks, or being overwhelmed by tasks our 8yr old has no problems completing.
every day i am waiting for neglect of a simple task to cause real damage or real crisis. i have trouble sleeping worrying what she forgot to do.
Here are examples from my life:
-her favorite hobby is photography but can not learn how to back up digital photos even though I've shown her 7 times, including writing down the steps on paper and sending the steps on email. after being taught many times, she still lost years of photographs when she lost her phone and the computer memory got too full. she mourned for weeks and mentions the lost years once a month. of course i was to blame since i knew how to do it and she doesn't... she is in her 30s = using smartphones, computers & digital cameras 20+ years.
-she regularly pleads ignorance on recipies she has made before, asking me the steps should could look up herself. especially when we have guests around (usually 2 days a week) she'll get especially incompetent and ask me which way she should cut an onion, or whether or not chicken breast should be washed or other basic tasks she shoudn't need advice to complete. Her "helpessness" makes me frustrated and lose trust, and I used to just take over the simple task she was asking about. As a result she would get "me" time and spend 1hr getting dressed and/or "connecting" on phone incessantly, in another world. It has been really hard for me to walk away since when I refuse to help her complete a recipe she makes obvious mistakes, as if on purpose: burning, burning, forgetting steps, takes 2-3hrs to make a 20min recipe.
-another "simple" young stay-at-home-mom task she can not reliably execute: she can't/won't/forgets to shop for or plan a week's worth of meals. she will not make lists consistently. even when i write lists for her, she still has trouble following through. usually i am somehow to blame since the reminder of task she forgot/list i made to help her remember seems in her mind to become my task. for example she needs to be reminded when there aren't enough meals to make it next 24hrs. then she will do nothing about it or get immersed in something more important to her and then there is "no time left" to complete the task. i get frustrated and do it myself. i'll stock the fridge with a week's worth of fresh organic produce and salads kits and same day she'll heat up frozen/canned foods for the kids' 5pm dinner and "forget" to plan anything for adults...total kitchen chaos..i just cleaned the fridge out of unused $100 of rotting organic produce, unsealed leftovers jammed in corners, a bag of flour and unopened peanut butter. usually the cleaning lady throws away the rotting food from the fridge but my wife spent the cleaning lady money on something else and it is my fault for not topping up her bank account 2 weeks early.
what time is it?
Submitted by husband33 on
also
she won't wear a watch. she won't replace batteries on her bedside clock.
she wakes me up all hours to ask the time.
i am her alarm clock in the morning.
therefore it is my fault when she is late in the morning if i didn't wake her up or tell her what time it was.
This is definitely an ADHD
Submitted by dvance on
This is definitely an ADHD trait, but I don't know why. Many examples in my house: if my DH is cooking and I happen to come into the kitchen for something all of a sudden there is something he needs help with--steady the strainer so he can dump the noodles, hand him something because his hands are wet--really ridiculous things. I started saying to him "what would you do if I had not happened to come in here just now" and whatever he says I say "okay-do that" and he gets really mad. Now I just don't go into the kitchen when he is in there. Ditto "can you hand me ______" when it is clearly within his reach, really dumb stuff. My DH huffs and puffs over many many things that he has to do, so it may have something to do with that--look how put upon I am, I shouldn't have to do all this hard stuff, something like that maybe?? Or perhaps the idea that many ADHD folks have that they are somehow exempt from the rules and procedures that the rest of us must operate within, either because they are too special or because the rules are too difficult, I don't know. He is helpless in terms of taking care of himself too--he will not pack a lunch or snacks for a work day, nor will he stop to get food (WAAAAY TOO BUSY don't you know) and then come home with a raging headache from not eating all day. Now, we all have days like that every once in a while, but 4 days out of 5 every week??? Wouldn't you learn??? He needs new glasses, gets headaches from that too, we have vision insurance, our eye doc is within walking distance to our apartment, they are open on Saturdays, but he NEVER has time to make that appointment. He would go if I made the appointment, but I gotta believe a 50 year old man is capable of making that call. He has bad knees--similar situation--we have a doctor, we have insurance, he won't make the appointment. I won't do it. Put on your big boy pants and make the damn appointment or continue to be in pain. I also no longer ask or react when he moans and groans or complains about headaches from the glasses. It's very bizarre behavior. Passive aggressive? The wish to NOT be a grown up? The desire to avoid any consequences if they do something wrong? I really don't get it. I am eager to read other responses too--any more thoughts everyone?? This is a weird dynamic.
Wow
Submitted by Cmorgandx on
I could have written this myself. My husband does these things all.the.time. Every single decision - big or small - falls on me. I am exhausted.
So we all experience this dynamic, So how best to handle?
Submitted by c ur self on
I read these posts yesterday...I just smiled...Shortly after reading them I was standing in the bedroom (which doesn't have a clock in it, that we set anyway, both of us our iphones) naked in the dark...She was laying in the bed w/ her iphone in her face....And out of the silence she asks...What time is it?...I said you are looking at it...She said, no i'm not...lol....I said well its on your home screen, and I'm standing here naked in the dark...Who is the closest to the time? She flipped to her home screen and started commenting about her schedule etc...etc...
When a person is just GOING TO engage you because you are present....And ask for help, or what time it is, or to look for my keys? will you ring my phone? Turn here, get in this lane, I want us to do this, I'm going here....And on and on....
I've found out the trick to this is patients, no quick replies or responses (esp. the type that points out the problem w/ what she is doing, you know, parenting attempts) for which I've been terrible at for most of our marriage.... I've had to realize to abide w/ her in any kind of understanding way...I must accept this is her life, (a little whirlwind of blonde chaos) so it is my life to....But w/ patients and boundaries, and not thinking I have to respond to every thing thrown out there unfiltered or not thought out...Then I can stay pretty peaceful....Just expect it;).....
c
No more am I other people's fixer or watchdog. I am just me.
Submitted by jennalemone on
Yes, C, so true. Ever since I had children, and with my H, I have been hyper-diligent to make sure everyone is OK. And I am now aware of spotting other people around me who do the same thing, knocking themselves out as the "fixer" for all things. I am MAKING myself mind my own business and to let the chips fall where they may for other people. Yesterday, it occurrd to me that two people I was with may not have paid for their coffee at the coffee shop. I didn't see them open the bill folders that were in front of them. You know what I did? Nothing. I had to REALLY talk myself out of being the watchdog for them and the coffee house. I also was in a conversation where I wanted to give some advice but I shut up and let the person talk without giving my 2¢ advice on their story. Then there was a project I was working on that was time sensitive. Ordinarily I rush and make myself scurry around trying to get that job perfect and on time (if not early). Know what I did? I closed the screen when I realized I was racing for other people's benefit at the risk of my own well-being. The outcome? Things were fine. I didn't have to control every area of every environment I happen to be in. I didn't have to be better than perfect. This is my work today.
I'm so proud of you Jenna...
Submitted by c ur self on
Pray I can do the same!
c
One of the best sermons I
Submitted by Libby on
One of the best sermons I ever heard was on carrying your own load versus bearing one another burdens. This is exactly what it was addressing. Minding our own business and not budging in to take over other peoples responsibilities. It is a very hard thing for me to learn especially within my marriage. I expect it will take some time and patience with myself as I break lifelong habits. Thank you Jenna for starting this thread.
Understanding truths....
Submitted by c ur self on
(carrying your own load versus bearing one another burdens.)
Yes, I could see this as being a good sermon, if we understand that this is not a conflicting statement and that both principles are good ones.....
“A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
6 Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us. 7 For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, 8 nor did we eat anyone’s bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you.9 It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate. 10 For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. 11 For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. 12 Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living.
13 As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. 14 If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. 15 Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother.
"helplessness"
Submitted by Scott C. on
I recognize this behavior in my otherwise fiercely independent and capable DW. It is a bit of a head scratcher.
My current but evolving theory is that with her, it may be related to a conflicting need for both independence and loving validation. She dislikes accepting help, particularly when she doesn't ask for it, and she is averse to asking. I think this may be her way of allowing herself to seek loving validation by asking for help on her own terms, and those terms include being able to deny that she really needed help in the first place.
A more simple explanation may be that she was feeling overwhelmed by her inability to focus, and momentarily let her guard down.
Either way, my hope is if I can be more supportive in general that this "helplessness" will diminish. If it is the expression of an ADD symptom I am prepared to be supportive by just supplying whatever help she is asking for and be glad it was nothing serious or difficult. I'm happy to be able to help since the opportunities are few. :-)
“He relys on me a lot but has the attitude that I do nothing for
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
““He relies on me a lot but has the attitude that I do nothing for him”
this isnt an ADD trait but it is a trait of someone who is needy.
this isn’t learned helplessness although I can understand why that term is confusing.
<<<
Learned helplessness occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape. Eventually, the animal will stop trying to avoid the stimulus and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation.
>>>
Yes my h does this....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
my h is very needy..in hindsight he.always has been this way. I didnt notice it at first because he had a successful professional career. Looking back I realize That he’s always attached himself to people who will take care of him. His best friend/roommate, when he was single, took care of everything. Then he married me and expected to be mothered, yet nothing I do Is enough
Why do you think this dynamic is so true for many of us?
Submitted by c ur self on
Your comments OWW are taken strait out of my wife's reality also....Why? Why do you think they seek out a caregiver for one? And why do they take the victim stance "You do nothing for me" (blind to all you do) when there behaviors are pointed out??
I have my theory....My wife works much harder mentally and physically to accomplish the same results, even it were possible (not just me, but it would be the same if it was you) Its not as much about intellect as it is about focus and avoiding distraction IMO....These two are much worse in low interest area's like the mundane.....
I think the denial part is mostly Pride...It's protection for their self esteem....
I'm sure I'm missing it here to some degree, and everyone is different...But you brought up a very prevalent dynamic that effects so many of us...It completely destroys the ability to communicate about reality when one of us refuse to see the reality....More turn and walk away stuff.....
Just would like to hear your (and others) thoughts, who deal so clearly with the issue in their spouses?
c
I am wondering if their huge
Submitted by Libby on
I am wondering if their huge sense of entitlement plays into this. My DH seems to feel that he is owed in all areas of his life including being taken care of.
Why do you think this dynamic is so true for many of us?
Submitted by Scott C. on
Insightful, c
My DH also has a very
Submitted by Libby on
My DH also has a very successful career. He has surrounded himself with employees that that do much of the work for him. He is intelligent enough to do that but cannot figure out what it takes to make a marriage work....
Entitlement...
Submitted by c ur self on
What is producing his Entitlement mind set? Is it learned behaviors from his youth, handed everything, and not made to discipline his life? Nurture?....Or do you think it's (Nature) something missing in his Psychological make up that blinds him from awareness? Or could it be just unconcern (spiritual) at a level that he would never not put him self first in every circumstance of life?
I asked my wife in a calm moment a few months ago to tell me her priorities in life...She thought quiet long, and then said her top priority is herself, to make sure she always reminds herself she is of worth....That is what she said...So that alone tells me, that she is suffering from low self esteem at a level that is crippling to see the needs of others and even her own responsibilities....Overly self-focused is dangerous....But it's real and so many who fight the demon of "you are no good" can be taken over by it....
It's a mystery..The ways?...But, not one that doesn't have an answer deep down there somewhere, whether I ever know it or not....
c
Overly self focused...
Submitted by c ur self on
When this is a way of life it opens up a myriad of issues....We have named a few....When a person has no problem using others for their own benefit and also lives in denial of it...That is a person to stay clear of...Sadly many of us are married to this type or something real similar....
I've found if I quietly accept the reality of it, and just make sure I don't expect it to be any different...I can avoid much of the negative fallout....It so easy to get co-dependant w/ this type mindset...I did...But I've walked away from that for the most part...
Overly self focused
Submitted by inthedark on
This struck a chord when i was reading it c ur self. Thank you. I now realise I'm not going mad! He will pretend he is doing something for me but then I end up having to do all the work. I feel used, just as you say and so easy to become co dependent. You tell yourself 'he needs me', and that makes it all alright, but it's not really. I would rather he just asked me for my help in the first place and then I could say 'no' if I didn't feel like it, but for some reason he feels he has to manipulate me.
For me saying to him results
Submitted by Libby on
For me saying no to him results in a screaming swearing fit. Every time. Guaranteed.
Sorry, I don't live with mine
Submitted by inthedark on
Sorry, I don't live with mine, so makes it easier, well sort of. Don't know how you put up with it, no wonder there are so many divorces etc.
Executive Function and Narcissistic Tendencies
Submitted by Scott C. on
This is just a hypothesis, but it seems reasonable to expect that empathy, like other thought processes that take us outside of the self, is an executive function. That would seem to explain why ADDers would engage in self-centered behaviors to varying degrees, displaying narcissistic tendencies. Doesn't everyone have some tendency to turn toward the self when under stress?
I believe I have heard Dr. Barkley explain that in attention disorders, prioritization it difficult. That is my experience. When under stress our faculties are taxed and we need to prune away those things that are competing for our attention. That is just the thing ADDers have difficulty with. I don't know about you, but when overwhelmed, I tend to limit my responses to only the most pressing things I have to do myself, and sometimes that means I ONLY do those things that pertain to me directly. I am certain that gives the appearance, perhaps rightly so, of self-centeredness.
I don't proffer this theory as an excuse, rather as a suggested direction to turn that might lead to understanding.
I agree w/ you Scott....
Submitted by c ur self on
I think your offer of an explanation is true Scott...But as a follow up to your thoughts...I will add that the reason we have so much difficulty in finding a peaceful place of unity and good communication...Is because of the pressure that our differences causes....
Spouse #1...."I want this out of our relationship, and I am capable, and willing to be faithful to produce the work to have it"....That part is fine, someone who is a worker, and willing to invest 100% to have what they view as the "Good life"....But the other reality for Spouse # 1 is this...."I expect the same from you!"
So, when spouse #2 isn't capable for any reason (and there are many ) to meet the "Good Life Goals" that are being "Expected"...Then the pressure gets turned up on both parties, Psychologically and emotionally...Of course this works both ways....Arguments and stressful conversations are usually produced...When one or both parties have real mental limitations as you noted it just makes it worse...Because executive function handicaps a person when it comes to communication, focus and retention...And in pressure situations this difficulty multiples....(like you pointed out..per Dr. Barkley)
So sadly, what should be taking place (Calm conversations about each person's realities, desires and wishes in and for the relationship) between the two, may not ever happen....(No ability for it to happen for many) That is way we need third parties, usually your spouse isn't your enemy...Usually LOL....
I've found out I don't have to like my wife's way of living, I don't have to like the things she places priority on, in order to live my own life in a peaceful state....That hasn't always been true...By a long shot!
And understanding her (as well as anyone who don't suffer the things she does) helps, but it don't change either of our realities when it comes to how we effect each other in a physical sense....If you are married to a person that is really different (in thought, feelings & behaviors) than you (adds and non's are a good example this, so are male's and female's) and you have done the work of acceptance vs expectation to the level that you are (for the most part) just effected by their lives in a physical sense...Then in my opinion you are living well, (probably with good boundaries) and in an understanding manner....If acceptance has moved you away from the self- inflicted psychological and emotional sufferings that always come from our own denial & non-acceptance of reality...Then IMO you are an overcomer....
It's not me that is rattling the med. bottle before I roll out of bed, w/ the little blue pills, that makes me capable of enough focus, to just function....Should I not have some empathy for this?...Yes!...Should I make things worse by not excepting the limitations or enabling her..NO NO!....:)
Blessings
c
I believe that mental health
Submitted by Libby on
I believe that mental health issues such as ADHD produce a sense of entitlement. All he sees is himself. Add to this a mommy who thinks the sun shines out of his butt and you've got problems!
libby....
Submitted by c ur self on
You made me laugh :)...Maybe you are right maybe it's just wiring..But if add/adhd alone, can cause a person to always SEE their wants and desires above all else and all others....Then that makes them completely unfit to ever be in an intimate marriage relationship...?? Hum...I think their are plenty of adhd minds that are very able to live in awareness of their attitude w/o excuse...And also able to put others ahead of them selves...So I agree in part, (that to be highly distracted by your own life (mind) does mirror selfishness at high level at times...I think for many it goes deeper....I think it's so easy for someone who is already fighting focus and organization to just cut themselves a break, and start seeking out concessions at the peril of others....Especially spouses; who need and expect them to consider them, (honor their vows) and show love and commitment...If this wasn't the case, why would so many be deceit and caring parents and lousy mates?...It's because their conscience destroys them if they don't do the work for the innocent ones...But they can blindly justify or blame the other adult in their life...Because we will fight for our rights, so, it is much easier to exonerate any guilt they feel with blame....
c
The ADD spouses who are able
Submitted by Libby on
The ADD spouses who are able to live in awareness are probably facing their issues. The ones who don't face their problems are definitely not living in awareness.
Same story, different subject matter...
Submitted by codrdave on
I'm at a place where I think I might divorce soon. Very soon.
You need to look at things in a new way. I hope I can save you some pain by fast forwarding you to my station in life.
I found no long term improvement whatsoever. All of my attempts, counseling and efforts resulted in a few weeks improvement. We were both tested for ADD. I aced the tests and my psych said he never saw a person get so much better at the tests as the test progressed. Her psych said she was very ADD. Now she says I am ADD and she is not.
If you find yourself in this downward spriral where your spouse does not get help and own their ADD, you may need to leave if even for a time. At some point you have to be thinking about your mental health.
I kept record of what she did vs what I did in the house. When it hit 10-1 I quit because I became too angry. I love my wife with all my heart but that's not enough.
At some point you have to accept that your man may not be able to accept his condition. If you had diabetes... you would take insulin when needed right? If he does not own and manage his condition, then you have to think of yourself and leave. It sucks.. you love your spouse but do you really want to be a bitter, hateful person? That is what you are or will become if they dont accept and manage ADD.
If you are like me, you think that being alone is faaaaar superior to being with an ADD spouse. If you are there, the next step is only a matter or courage.
It's not the add codrdave...It's the denial...
Submitted by c ur self on
The hopelessness that has gripped your mind and heart isn't her add....It's the victim stuff...It's the denial....I feel you friend, and agree with your reasoning for separation and divorce if she want accept her add, and agree to work toward better days...I hate divorce, but, there are times when it's necessary...When denial and blame is used for a covering, instead of openness and honesty, there can be no healthy attachment...So you end up just living out your days in a dysfunctional situation...It's' not a marriage....Most of the time when one (or both) partners are in denial, everything that constitutes a healthy marriage just dies...The ability to communicate, intimacy...Living like un-trusting angry roommates is no life....And it's so difficult to stop the flare ups and hurt feelings from time to time even w/ acceptance....Were still human, we still have needs that are not being met....You can't hide that from children, they sense the tension, they are smarter than that....
No I hate divorce, but, I would never judge a man or women for getting out of a marriage relationship where they are for all practical purposes living abandoned.. And the abuse of blame and denial is the daily reality...
I would have probably already left my self, but we separated back in 2013 for 11 months....It took me 6 or 7 of those to get healing for my anger and bitterness...It also gave me time to deal with myself about boundaries, about living my life, and how I must manage my life and emotions to not place expectations on her, but, just accept the way it was....
I've forced accountability in many area's that were messed up....I figured she would leave when she had to step up and be responsible for certain things...But even though she has the victim reaction and rejects my decisions to begin with....She knows it's the right thing, and she also has found out, I'm not back down from the changes she must make...
Our marriage counselor told her to Poop or get off the pot....And I'm going to lovingly see that she does....If you make a vow, you need to keep it...It's better to never make it, than to break it....No it's not about add in our marriage...Sure she has add behaviors, want do much house work unless she feels pressured by company coming, etc...and she gets distracted, loses stuff...And rushes or runs late a lot....But most of that is easily dealt with, with acceptance and boundaries...
No she is going to fully invest, and be fully committed just like me....Or I want be far behind you.....She says she is a Christian....So am I....I'm not saying she isn't, but, I know one thing about life in Christ....I love his word, it's life, it's power to live....His words has plenty to say to me about how I should manage my life as a husband...And how I should love my wife...His words has plenty to say to her about being his child and my wife also....I pray for God through Christ to save me from carnal thinking, and mold me by his spirit....And he is faithful....If my spouse starts seeking God to save her from any thinking that is contrary to his will for her as a wife, he will do it....But she, just like me or anyone else who seeks him...Must see our own sin, confess it, and repent (turn from it)....He will never force his will on us....So even though I feel hopeless at times to whether she will ever change...I know my God is faithful, and all she needs to do is humble herself and go to him....Same as me....His spirit gives me power, love and a sound mind...His love is why I stay, his power is how I stay, and his mind is how I see....
c
Learned helplessness...yep, interesting
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I've seen this a LOT from DH. He has always been "helpless" in so many ways. Lately, I keep getting asked "What time is it?" When there are clocks ALL OVER the house. All he has to do is move his eyes from me to the clock, he doesnt even have to MOVE his body, because all the clocks are VERY visible in each room, yet he wont look at the clock, and ask me to tell him the time. Two weeks ago, I refused to answer, and pointed to the clock. He would NOT look at it, and just kept asking me the question until I finally told him what time it was. What is that about? I dont know the full extent of it, but I think I might have an idea.
Almost every day, there are questions he asks me that are basic, simple questions he could find out the answer to easily. I believe I know WHY he wont "look" or "find out" whatever he needs to know whatever the subject is. It's about TIME. He doesnt WANT to take the TIME to do that. Even if its a very small speck of time, its still too much time to do something he doesnt want to do. If I wasnt at home or if any other spouses werent available, these folks would HAVE to find their own items, or time, or answers, wouldn't they? YES. And, they CAN. I do believe its mostly about "time", because instead of doing something "petty", like looking at a clock, they can do something else they'd RATHER be doing. (At least its true in our case) So, it actually ends up that in part, these spouses know they are using their wives/husbands for their convenience, instead of being a little more responsible. (I think they get "used" to using us) until we say otherwise.
‘Until we say otherwise’
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
‘Until we say otherwise’
That was the key for me. I used to dread my husband coming home from work because the minute he walked through the door he would turn me into his assistant. If he was going to change light bulbs in the house, he would ask me to get the step stool. Then he would ask me to get the new bulbs. Then he would ask where is a sharpie because he likes to write the date on each bulb. He tracks which kinds and brands of bulbs last longer. Then he would ask me to throw away each old bulb as he took it out of the socket. You get the picture. Finally, I started saying to him, “Why do you think I’m your assistant? I stay here all day working for our business and educating our kids with no help. I don’t have an assistant. Why can you not do simple tasks without running me in circles?” It took a while, but he finally quit treating me that way.
I also speak up when he loses something and it becomes an emergency for me to find it. I say, “Quit running me in circles. This is your problem, not mine.”
That’s exactly how I feel, like I’ve been running in needless circles for two decades. My brain and body finally just wore out and I finally just had to start speaking up and saying, “I’m not doing it anymore!”
The clock thing sounds like
Submitted by SweetandSour on
The clock thing sounds like it could be a sign of dementia - as in - he's having trouble processing what he sees when he looks at a clock (and if that's the case, doesn't want to admit it to himself or you).
helpless like a child, hhmm
Submitted by inthedark on
helpless like a child, hhmm interesting.
You may have something with
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
You may have something with the 'not wanting to spend the time' doing something when someone else can be tasked with it instead. My wife has a tendency to drain the checking account and eventually bounce checks. Has happened many times. One day as I was walking past her in the kitchen she suddenly asked 'What is the balance in the checking account?' (Now on one level this was a good thing since was actually thinking about the balance in the checking account though I did not know if it was because she'd already spent too much money.) When I replied that she could check the balance anytime on her iPhone (if she set up the app) she got very angry. She claimed she did not want a 'lecture' just information. I countered that she could take the responsibility for knowing how to interact with her own accounts without demanding a 'report' from me at her whim. With significant grumbling she did set up the app and did get the information that day but she continues to 'forget' how to use the app when she wants to know the current balance NOW. The whole 'teach a man to fish...' concept did not quite take hold...
I just scrolled through this
Submitted by dvance on
I just scrolled through this thread again and this occurred to me: I wonder how many of our ADHD adults had similar childhoods. My DHs childhood was very unstable. He hated school for many reasons but I have to believe one big reason was undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. I wonder if after awhile their parents and/or teachers quit asking them to do things because they either did them wrong, took too long to finish them or didn't do them at all. Here's what I mean: I teach junior high and if I need a kid to run an errand I am likely to choose a responsible one, not a kid who causes trouble, who runs in the hall, who can't follow a damn direction to save his life but really, THAT is exactly the kid I SHOULD be sending because that kid needs the practice doing tasks and they need the shot of confidence that being chosen to run an errand for the teacher gives them plus the movement is great for an ADHD kid. It's totally natural to not ask someone who always screws something up to do the thing and just do it yourself. I am guilty of that and had to work really hard to stop it. My 16 year old STILL puts dishes in the dishwasher with WAY too much food on them despite numerous explanations and fits thrown on my part. It would be so much easier if I would just load the dishwasher myself or if he has put a dish in there with too much food still on it, clean it off myself but no--I call him in to redo it and he gets mad and stomps and pouts and I often have to make him redo it multiple times. How dumb is that. And guess what?? He too has ADHD. He wants to take the quickest and most half-assed way to do everything possible and gets royally pissed when I won't let him. But we can't really treat our grown spouses this way, so there is the tension. My DH will load the dishwasher...except for one or two items. Why? No idea. He will clean the entire kitchen...except the stove top. Why? No idea. I wonder how many of our ADHD spouses grew up like this. We will never know, they likely don't realize how much people worked around them (if that's what happened), but I wonder if that was the case, that may contribute to the helpless/entitled combo platter that so many of us deal with.
Am I explaining this right? It seems like most of our ADHD spouses were diagnosed as adults, so I wonder if in their homes when they were children little was asked/expected of them because they were so bad at getting stuff done, either quality-wise or time-wise and so they are just baffled when they are asked to do things that they likely don't realize even need doing. Also depending on how old some of our husbands are, they may have been raised in more traditional homes where boys were not expected to contribute as much as girls and now that the world is changing and women are expecting men to step up, an entitled mindset finds that pretty painful. Just throwing out some thoughts, I could be off base, worth considering.
My DH grew up in chaos. His
Submitted by Libby on
My DH grew up in chaos. His dad was not around a ot due to being away working. Dad was very abusive to his wife and kids. Because his dad was gone so much my DH played the role of husband to his mom. Very sick and dysfunctional relationship. He was always the responsible one out of the four siblings. His mom definitely catered to him.
Grew up with too much responsibility
Submitted by inthedark on
Oh wow this sounds like my partner's childhood Libby. Exactly the same except his father was not abusive when he was there, and he did not get on with his mother. But mine definitely has issues with women.
K
Sounds like mine. He said he
Submitted by inthedark on
Sounds like mine. He said he would come home with a bloody nose practically every day, was always in detention and when I asked him why, he said the other boys were jealous because he was always winning everything. He still doesn't think he has ADHD, but he has just about all the symptoms or behaviours associated with it. Mine is older and he had to do all the cooking looking after siblings etc. growing up. Not much time to be a kid really.
I think you hit the nail on
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
I think you hit the nail on the head. My DH was raised by a single mother who thought it violated the kids privacy to go in their rooms (????) As in, she didn't look to even see how they looked, so they were a disaster. I can honestly say there were probably several years where she never entered the basement or second floor of her home (where the boys' rooms were). My husband was diagnosed as a kid, but refused to take meds. Like wouldn't put them in his mouth, I don't know what you're supposed to do when the kid refuses. Anyway, he pretty much had freedom to come and go however he wanted and had very few responsibilities because his mom was always working nights and sleeping during the day.
The dishwasher thing made me laugh out loud. Why do they always leave one or two dishes still in the sink?? What is that??? Just clean the whole damn kitchen!
I think you're onto something though, I know that none of his teachers expected anything of him. Most just put his desk in the hallway so they didn't have to deal with him. It's sad, really, but makes sense why they have so much trouble as adults.
Imagination
Submitted by inthedark on
I was just thinking do ADHD people ever just sit back and wonder or imagine. Probably not. What causes this, too much responsibility from a young age? When reading through all the posts, everyone wants a cure, but just going round in circles.
I was telling my DH the other
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
I was telling my DH the other day that he is incapable of being bored. He can't just sit and wonder or imagine- there's no stimulation in that. He must be doing something at all times. Currently he scrolls through Instagram and the speed of light, not stopping to even read 99% of the posts, just scrolling. He'll be walking from the bathroom to the kitchen and have to be on his phone. I'd like to see what happens when you leave an ADHD person in a plain room with nothing to entertain them.
i'm not important to him
Submitted by inthedark on
I told my DH I needed some time to myself after I was talking to him and he kept getting distracted. 'I just have to take this phone call', or ' I'll ring you back, so and so is here' etc. I dont feel important to him, and even though I know he just can't help himself, sometimes you just want to be the only one that's he's thinking of and be a priority, but I realise this is never going to happen with him. He is undiagnosed and therefore unmedicated. He is trying to get me to talk to him but I just can't, nothing is going to change, this is the third time we've separated.
Mea Culpa
Submitted by phatmama on
Reading this post, I felt an immediate sense of "uh oh, that's me". My two oldest children both have ADHD and are now young adults. I never asked them to do a thing growing up because it was just such a huge hassle. I did not have the patience to Re-do everything they were supposed to do, so I just did it all myself. Now, my 19 year old son is getting married in six weeks and he is so slovenly in our home that he can literally be tracked by a trail of detritus left behind all over the house. A pile of used matches and a bunch of candles in a row on the kitchen table--oh, he was at the table burning stuff again. A knife with mayo laying on the counter with an opened loaf of (now stale) bread and a half tomato and a cheese wrapper--oh, he made a sandwich. A pile of wet towels, water on the floor and hair in the drain--oh, he took a shower..... You get my point. It is clear in hindsight that I have failed utterly to help him one iota. My only hope at this point is that his love for his fiancee will motivate him to figure this out, because he adores and listens to her and she probably won't put up with it. I feel awful for sending him to her half-raised, and I now see that no matter how much easier it would have been to make him come back and pick up, no matter how many times it took or how confrontational it was, I should have stuck to it. I feel like in many ways, constant confrontations with my ADHD spouse drained my energy and I just had nothing left to go to the mat with my kids, too, so I became Dobby the house elf and just didn't make an issue of chores since they were so terrible at them anyway and so argumentative in general. I wimped out..... Moral of this story: Family life with ADHD is the gift that keeps on giving (ha ha) and nothing is ever easy, but taking the easy way out will probably just be creating a bigger problem down the road.
Complete enablement is very hard to stop for some of us....Me!
Submitted by c ur self on
I feel for his girl friend....
Your son is no different from my wife...I have to almost spank my own hand to stop myself from picking up after she leaves for work...The counters, and table, the bathroom floor and counters....I've tried to help her to realize what a mess she leaves....She will pick it up (most of it) when she gets home from work (most times) if I leave it...So I'm working on myself to just step over it....Except for stuff like the bread tie, or turkey meat....Things that ruin....
I asked her to start thinking "LOOK BACK"...every tme she leaves a room, to get mental snap shot of how she is leaving it....She didn't respond to my comment...But a few days later confessed that she had been looking back....And she said, "I didn't realize how messy I am"...LOL..WOW....Really!...Well that only makes one of us...;)
Also about that loading the dishes and leaving stuff....My wife does this...She is so victimized in her mind by any mundane work, that she will only load the dishes she messed up....And will go hungry or use it dirty before she will tackle a pot or pan or skillet....I though one day, she would accept it as just part of life...But after 10 years not much has changed w/ her lack of comfort with cleaning....Just today she walked to the door way of the room I was in and started saying "Thank you for doing the dishes" ...She said it about three times....And then I finally caught on....She wasn't thanking me, she was wanting me to thank her for putting a cereal bowl and maybe a plate in the dishwasher....(She was proud of herself, and her love language is affirmation, so she was wanting a pat on the back LOL..go figure?) Dishes I had actually messed up....So I walked in the kitchen and looked in the sink, and there laid two small skillets....I think there is something about some add minds (or maybe its some other mental wiring issue) that had rather take a beating before they follow through to completion on about anything....
I call it living in 1/2 circles or incomplete circles....Almost nothing is ever done from start to finish with her....What is really uncanny to me is how so many of our spouses behaviors mirror each other so closely...Just like the dish thing...Mine also want ring out a dish rag...It will lay in the sink soaked and sour, if I don't do it...Y'all?
What I would really like one day...Is for someone w/ add to get on here and say give me your list, I do every thing you say your wife does....And her is why...Now that would be awesome and so enlightening....My luck someone will get on here and say....I do everything just like your wife, and here is way...."I don't have a clue either"....LOL....
c
Hi, I deal with this often. I
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
Hi, I deal with this often. I'm often told that I am dumb and don't do anything, but ironically am also asked to do very simple things for him.
For example, he travels for work often. He generally asks me to book the flights for him (as he uses his smartphone to text me back and forth about the details). On one specific occasion I booked everything as usual, got the verification email as well as the email itinerary. Fast forward to the next day when he goes to check in online and there's nothing there. According to the representative the transaction had been declined and both flights were cancelled. There were no other flights and we ended up paying double through another airline.
Although 100% of the time I've ever had a declined purchase, they tell me instantly that something is wrong, this one didn't and it seemed like not my fault. How the heck was I supposed to know? At any rate, he completely lost his shot and began screaming at me the usual "You're so f*cking stupid! You always do this! I can never count on you to do anything because you never do anything right!" The funny part is, I would never put someone in charge of something so important who "always drops the ball." Anyway, it ended with me crying in the bathroom after being screamed at and him not speaking to me until he left the next day. He swore he would never ask me to do anything for him ever again because I could never be counted on. I booked two flights for him within the following month.
We found out a month later that there had been a glitch in the airlines computer system that was rejecting payments at random. I had literally done nothing wrong.
Sorry for kind of going on a rant there, but what I've discovered is that my husband puts me in charge of things, so that when shit hits the fan he doesn't have to take any responsibility. If I am in charge of everything, then 100% of what goes wrong has to fall on me, right? Had he made the reservation himself, the exact same thing would have happened. (But then he'd have to be mad at himself, see?) At least that's the conclusion I've come up with.
And to answer your question specifically, yes I deal with this ALL of the time. You are not alone.