Is this my husband or is it ADHD? My husband has a way of twisting situations in his head so things are perfect. Sometimes I wonder if he's being manipulative, but I really think he's just delusional.
For example, at our kid's school, once a month parents come in before school starts and get to see what the kids are working on. Like an open house.
Well, we forgot again today. I was moaning a little that we screwed up and he said "at least we made it to every other one this year." We only made it to one.
I told him that and he seemed confused "We only went to one this whole year?"
How can you not know that?
I used that example because it wasn't so emotionally charged, but every job, no matter how good or bad is amazing and he's on a great career path. Every stretch of unemployment is "something will happen soon." If someone says they have a problem with something, they are "just looking for attention." If you aren't totally blunt with him, he decides you are saying what he wants to hear and even when you are he sometimes says things like "you didn't really mean that."
What is this?
"It will be fine"
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
A couple of us have discussed something similar here before, I think. If I recall correctly, more than one of us have had experiences with our partners where the answer to a problem seemed to be something along the lines of "don't worry, it will be fine", no matter what the problem was.
It was certainly the case in my relationship. My ex hadn't filed his taxes in five years but his response to me, when I suddenly found out and was not ok with it, was "ppfffft.. they won't come after me, it'll be fine." Lost a job? - Yes, I also heard "Eh. Something will happen soon." or "Well now I can do anything I want!" Chronic stomach pain that should be looked at? - "It's probably just heartburn". Rusted, mildewed, dead car sitting in the driveway since 2010? - "Oh it just needs a new transmission and it'll be fine." He also thinks his financial situation is way better than it is... trust me, it isn't.
Everything was kind of met with a shrug until it was really blowing up in his face, and in that case he would have a panic attack and be unable to manage. It was like there were only the two extremes... under reaction or over reaction. Which, from what I have read, is a part of ADD.
I also got the "Oh...has it really been a year?" .... when he hadn't been to the dentist. To me, that's lost time and jumbled memory. I don't think my ex realizes how much time passes between events. Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly... doesn't matter. Everything from "stopping after work for a beer" and then not showing up at my house until 4 hours later .... to thinking that he was actively working on his divorce when really he had only made one phone call and that was 3-4 months ago. That sort of thing.
Last but not least, I also experienced him deciding that I did or did not mean something a certain way... only in my case it was mostly him misinterpreting me to the negative. It was never "you didn't mean that".. rather that I meant something much, much worse than I was actually saying.
I hope that's helpful.
Altered Reality
Submitted by phatmama on
With any brain discrepancy, perceptions of reality are altered. Distorted perception of time is a huge component of ADHD. Faulty memory is also common, because in order to make a memory, you kind of have to be paying attention. If you are kinda-sorta there but mostly not-there mentally at the school open house or anything else, you are not really going to have a reliable memory of that event, how often you attended, etc.... Living in your own head and your own reality means essentially a chronic, significant disconnect from reality as perceived by the majority of people around you, especially neurotypicals (who know what a week or a day or a month or a minute looks like and feels like--they very accurately track the passage of time because they have synchronized themselves to that reality over a lifetime of paying attention and following a schedule or they know what a career crisis is and that it probably won't spontaneously resolve because they can apply logic and life experience to ongoing scenarios for accurate problem solving and crisis management. ). The bottom line is that there is no sense losing sleep over it. The time management/time perception has been one of the biggest challenges in my ADHD marriage and I am working now on accepting that this is the way it is and that I have to be the schedule maker and time-keeper for the rest of my life. Even though it seems like giving up, there is so much peace in acceptance and even greater peace in understanding, which is a goal many of us on here are striving toward with varying degrees of success.
Delusions our family
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
One of my wife's delusions has been the "you worry too much" delusion. Step 1: Tell the kids we are going to Disney next summer! Hooray! (even though we are in bad financial shape and probably won't have enough money.) Step 2: Dismiss my concerns that our budget is tight and something might come up ("You can't live life in fear of what might happen." I am "afraid of everything like [my] father.") Step 3: The chimney lining collapses. Step 4: The kids learn to distrust us--especially her--because we fell through on the promise she made.
Another one has been the give/take back: Step 1: Tell the kids we can start giving them allowances again. Step 2: Realize that we can't actually afford to do this and buy gas/food, etc.
Our problems are over: Step 1: Our son does really bad in school, does not hand in assignments, and is failing classes. Step 2: "He's doing so much better now" despite my view that I have not seen any real changes. Step 3: Extreme anger when she looks at his grades and realizes that he is not doing so much better.
I can have/do it all: Step 1: Bite off way more than she can chew. For example, directing two plays at once. Step 2: Get angry and blame me that other things are suffering ("I haven't been able to write any of my own plays in weeks!")
The more the merrier: Step 1: Pressure me to have more than one child with the rationalization that 2 kids are easier than 1--they keep each other entertained! Step 2: Have second kid and keep pressuring for a third child. Step 3: Feel overwhelmed with responsibilities, finances, etc. Step 4: Get really angry. Get especially angry when the kids "entertaining each other" turns out to be constant fighting (when they should be the best of friends, of course!)
Self-cleaning house: 1) Why didn't you ______? (do the dishes, clean the bathroom, etc.) Step 2a: Well, I was doing _____ (the grocery shopping, the laundry, etc.) Step 2b: Because you overschedule fun activities. We have to be home to clean the house!
Oh we have many delusions in
Submitted by dvance on
Oh we have many delusions in my house too and the poster who said you have to be paying attention to make a memory is exactly right. My DH rarely if ever pays attention to anything of import to most of the world, so I would guess that is why his version of events/reality and mine are usually completely different. Losing track of time in particular is just ridiculous. DH has no idea how long things take OR how long HE takes to do things. Here's a few examples: about two weeks ago there was a speaker he and my youngest son (age 16) wanted to go hear at a place about 20 minutes from our house. It started at 7pm. The speaker was Rainn Wilson from The Office and the event was free--I have to believe it was going to be crowded. It had been thunderstorming that day literally all day to the point where streets were closed all over the place. As of 6:45 they had not left yet, but when I said something to DH, he said oh no, it only takes 10 minutes to get there. Um, no, I happen to pass the location on my way to work every darn day and it takes about 20 minutes and that is with no rain and no full parking lot or many people trying to get to the same place. Another poster mentioned her DH will stop for a beer on the way home from work and then not show up until 4 hours later. Yup--happens all the time around here. If I point out all the lost time I get one of three responses: a confused look, an explanation that makes no sense (one two hour delay was because he stopped to get gas--in what universe does it take two hours to get gas??) or he says he didn't mean the time he told me in the text. Basically that is my DH's default whenever his version of reality doesn't mesh with actual reality--I didn't mean X when I said that, I meant Y. Then why didn't you say Y? He never knows. I will speak about places we have been together and he claims to have never been there. I will refer to something we discussed a few days prior and he has no recollection of the conversation. I will ask him to do something, he will even answer me, and later have no memory of that request or his response. His last three jobs, he has been fired after three years, almost to the day and would you believe in every case the company is at risk of GOING UNDER without him??? I mean, he was the only one who knew anything about anything at the companies and they didn't realize what a bad decision they were making??? After three firings in 9 years, don't you start to look at yourself just a little bit? And when he got this latest job I got the reverse speech--thank GOD they hired him because the last guy who held the position--holy cow did he screw it up and now he has to do all this work to undo the damage. I don't know how you live in such a skewed reality. Honestly I have stopped arguing or responding. It does no good. He doesn't view the world like normal people. No words that come out of my mouth are going to change that. My DH has this odd mix of martyr and arrogance that is impossible to live with in any kind of calm way. So most things I let go. If you get sucked in though, it really can be a head trip--WAIT--did things ACTUALLY happen that way and I am losing my mind?!?!? Don't go down that road!
My husband does this as well.
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
My husband does this as well. He stretches the truth constantly to the point where I finally started saying something. For example, when describing how expensive the area we used to live in was he would say "Yea our rent here is XXX!!!" When in actuality it was at least $400-$500 cheaper than what he said. He recently told his mom when asking her for help buying a car that he's getting a job driving for Uber to help make payments. He has no intention of doing this and that was the first time I had ever heard of that idea. I think they stretch the truth to cover up their shame and guilt. In your husband's case, he doesn't have to feel bad about missing your son's school event because he's created an alternate universe where he has been diligent, organized, and only missed one.