I do fine on most holidays: Christmas (a little weird not doing it as a full family but I and at least one daughter always see my side of the family), Thanksgiving (the last time I saw my former parents-in-law was Thanksgiving 2009, when my FIL was cruel to me and refused to apologize, after lying about what he did), Easter (I'm not religious), and either Mother's Day (I was and continue to be a good mother and my daughters usually call me). But Father's Day depresses me, because it reminds me that my ex dumped me and neglected our daughters so that he could take care of his parents, his dad treated me poorly, and my own father, who was far from perfect, still was a much better man than my ex or his dad.
How do you feel about Father's Day and other holidays?
My father
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
My father committed suicide on father's day.
How awful.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
How awful.
Petunias
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I’m so sorry to hear about your family’s tragedy. So much pain and suffering on this forum. I sincerely hope you have a wonderful Father’s Day with your children.
bowlofpetunias
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am so sorry for you and your family. I have no words.
Petunias, so sorry
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm praying for you today. What a tragic loss on this particular day. There are so many lives on thus forum who have seen and lived through some extordinarily traumatic things. Hugs to you today.
Dede
Good lord. My father
Submitted by dvance on
Good lord. My father committed suicide 4 days before Christmas just after I turned 6, like over Christmas break when I was in first grade. Try going back to school after THAT.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It's an odd club to belong to, isn't it. For a very long time I didn't tell anyone how my father died and then I started to and it became a kind of litmus test--some folks were horrified and couldn't change the subject fast enough, some shared their own story of suicide with me and others were very sympathetic having experienced other losses if not that specific one. The recent suicides in the news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have bothered me more than I could have anticipated (I'm 48 now and have had MANY hours of therapy over my dad). Mostly I hate how much people try to put the person into a neat box or category. Really a person who makes that choice has lost a battle most of us will never fight. The battle could be with addiction, mental illness, or some combination of the two, some inner turmoil they just cannot reconcile. They are not terrible, they are not weak, they are not selfish. They are just like us, just in the kind of pain most of us will never know and they don't do it TO someone else.
Sorry---didn't mean to get on my soapbox--the folks in the news stirred me up. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you have had some help dealing with it and have been able to find peace somehow.
dv
Holidays....61 years of learning, has molded me in this....
Submitted by c ur self on
I try to be a big picture guy....I've seen people just be miserable (worn out) putting so much focus on a day...To me, and for me, it's just better if I try to give each day the same amount of attention...(kind of like it may be my last, because one day it will be. (on this earth)......
But, saying that, I do like the meaning of many of the days that is celebrated....But, I think I need to hold all of these wonderful events close in my heart and mind daily....
c
Honestly, I hate the holidays
Submitted by dvance on
Honestly, I hate the holidays. All of them. Since I had kids I put on enough of a show that you would never know it but I hate them. Growing up holidays were a drag. It was just my mom and me and she was difficult on a good day. She would go WAY overboard with gifts and be totally destroyed if I wasn't grateful enough--exhausting. By the time I was a teen I didn't even want the gifts any more. Mostly it's just too much expectation--now my mom lives out of state with her new family and I haven't seen her in 20 years, my dad is dead and I am an only child. DH's parents are dead too. So we have a very small family, just some extended cousins. We are never going to be some Norman Rockwell painting and it's ridiculous to try. Because our marriage is so sucky we have not done gifts between us for a while which is also a drag. We don't do gifts for Mother's Day or Father's Day or birthdays or to each other for Christmas. Again, what a drag. I keep saying that like I am being flip and I am not. I really would love a big splashy piece of jewelry or Kitchen Aid mixer or Vitamix juicer, something BIG and FUN but it's never going to happen. And DH is the worst to buy for. If I ask him what he would like (like from the boys) he will say he doesn't need anything, but especially when the boys were younger I wanted them to get their dad gifts for holidays so I would tell him that and he would come up with something and never use it. I have returned many gifts that we have gotten him after a month or so of them not being used and he has not even noticed, or if he did, he never said. We at least go out to dinner or brunch to mark mothers day, fathers day, birthdays, etc., but it's usually pretty uncomfortable. DH generally doesn't talk much so it's awkward. I often wonder what holidays will be like when and if my sons get married and have their own kids. I hope I can spoil my grandkids ROTTEN! I would love to be the spoiling grandma. Not undermining, but spoiling. My oldest son's last two serious girlfriends were both Jewish and we are Catholic, so I may very well end up celebrating Hanukkah which is just fine by me--7 days of gifts!!!
I envy my friends that have big families who actually make the effort to get together for holidays. That must be nice to not have to force it every time.
dvance...
Submitted by c ur self on
Have you thought about approaching your husband about counseling? Or just going yourself? (If you haven't)...I've been reading your posts for over 4 years (feel like I know you) and I think you are a great person...But I have great empathy for you....Do you ever wish things were different? You are to young to be in such an unhealthy place in your marriage...Y'all are so young, way to young to not be having an active sex life, dates, walks etc...
You don't have to agree with each other about life situations to enjoy H & W fellowship...If that was the case most of us here would never touch each other or do anything together....Anyway, I hope this doesn't offend you (definitely not my intentions)...But, the power to make things better usually is with in us, if we are willing to just take that first step, humble ourselves, and get out of our comfort zones....
You have endured some difficult things ( Dad, Mother, Husband, Teenagers:)....But it's obvious reading your posts over the years you have a lot of substance, and toughness! I admire you...And I hope things will get better for y'all....
c
Good morning~
Submitted by dvance on
Good morning~
Thank you for the kind words-not offended at all! DH and I have been to four different counselors over the years. Nothing stuck. I have been myself for years. Last year I hit a wall and just could not TALK any more. I wish every day things were different. We have one more year of kids home then both boys will be off to college. We could and should be enjoying each other's company in new ways, being able to go out, go away for weekends, discover things we didn't know we liked, not speaking barely 10 words to each other in a day, spending evenings in different rooms every night. It's very sad. Each counselor was some version of what I should be doing to make things easier for him--you know the drill--be careful when you talk to him, don't give hi too much information at once, use I statements. For crying out loud--do you think they treat him with kid gloves at work?? Probably not. Grow up. (of course he does get fired a lot so there is that...) He won't take meds for his ADHD. He doesn't think he needs them. As so many others here know, what do I do with that? This is a man I have loved since I was 21 years old-I am 48 now. That is a long time. Even the way things are now I have a hard time picturing myself without him. I have grown and changed, he has not. He is happy to play video games and watch you tube videos for hours. I am not. I don't know what to do with that. We used to go to church together every Sunday as a family, as the kids got older it was harder to get them to go, but he and I would. If you have read my posts you know that is a really important part of my life, and I thought ours and a few months ago he told me he never believed any of that, he just went along with it to keep me happy. It's like he has no hard center. I don't know what he stands for or what he values any more. He's been fired from his last three jobs after only three years (almost to the day for each--kinda weird), he has no friends, no hobbies, no interests. He used to, they have all slipped away. When I ask where a certain person went, what happened to someone, he gives some excuse as to why they bugged him so he couldn't stand them. These are changes over the years-he wasn't always like this. He used to have friends and hobbies, we used to go out and do things together. It all has slipped away. We used to go to theater, he joined me at my book club a few times, he used to come out for walks with me, we used to go downtown. Over time I have asked and he says no, sitting on the couch watching you tube videos. Six years ago he moved out very abruptly--I came home from school, he was gone. No good bye to the kids, nothing. He was gone for 6 months and to this day I don't know where he lived during that time. He came back and we went to counseling yet again. Since then he is not the same. So there is more at play than just ADHD. He also came back from a deployment with a nasty case of PTSD that we addressed very aggressively, but who knows how much that affects him still. He was sexually abused as a child and has had years of therapy around that too, but again-how much can one spirit take and still be healthy and vital. Way more than just ADHD going on and I can't fight it all any more. He won't take meds for anything any more, doesn't work out (he is overweight, but exercise would help moods too), the no friends and no hobbies isn't healthy, won't see a counselor himself. I have to be done. I go out a bunch and I used to feel bad leaving him sit there on the couch playing video games but I don't any more. He could go out-we can afford it, we live 20 minutes from downtown Chicago, there is plenty to do, either alone or with other people. He did join a softball team this summer for the first time in a long time so that is really good.
I am sad, this is not what I wanted for my life. I used to tell him he was the man of my dreams. Now I look at him and have no idea why I felt that. It's all gone. I hope this is not all there is for me but I also know if i don't actively do SOMETHING my life will slip away too and I don't want to wake up at age 65 wishing I had done something. 48 is too young to be OVER with life. I feel very old.
Thank you d...
Submitted by c ur self on
Thank you for you heart felt response...I will continue to pray for you...Yes, I know who important your faith is, that is part of the reason I am drawn to you...Your Husband has been through I lot also, but he isn't realizing that, that he told you he doesn't believe in, is his salvation, not only hear after, but it's his deliverance from the pain of what haunts him on this earth also...
I will continue to pray for him and the boys as well....
I hope he will respond, and start pursing you again, that y'all can find some mutual interests...Even if it's baby steps...Maybe you will go cheer for him at his softball games? I would love that, even if I didn't say it....
Blessings Sister
c
This......This....... OH!
Submitted by barneyarff on
This......This....... OH! you wrote so eloquently! My husband and I used to have big adventures too.
Raising two ADD kids took a lot out of us, especially the boy, however, I had hoped that now it's only the two of us, we could be freewheeling and fun. But no. He is so depressed and will not do anything about it. He has one friend as far as I can tell and that friend isn't really a good influence on him, in my opinion.
I had hoped we could get a smaller house and clear out all the junk. I have a job that would let us travel around the world if I chose, but I can't get him off the couch And yes I'm angry. Our long term friends are taking trips around the world and I'm stuck here (for now) because he won't move forward.
So now I've been gone from the house for two weeks. My friends and therapist notice that I'm changing for the better. My kids are supportive. But I so miss what could have been. And it could have been pretty easily from my point of view but he just won't. He just won't..... I know he is unhappy. He has told me. He has even said that he feels like he has sunk about as low as he can go. It's just so said. But I had to save myself... What you wrote was so on point. I too got told by therapists all the things I needed to do to make his life better. Really? How about him doing something... Take care. Life is short. Do what is best for you.
I thought that my now ex
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I thought that my now ex-husband and I could work on our relationship once both our daughters were in college. The summer before our younger daughter started college, ex participated in an intensive outpatient therapy program, with my support. He ended the program with a treatment plan that included him working for his parents part time and temporarily, while he looked for a full-time job. He left for that job the day after we took our younger daughter to college, and it became full time and permanent and he didn't communicate with me when he was out of town (his parents live 150 miles from here).
I realized that while my ex might have wanted a better marriage, he didn't want to do any of the work needed to reach that goal.
I'm so terribly sorry.
Submitted by barneyarff on
I'm so terribly sorry.
this posted in the wrong place-for barneyarff
Submitted by dvance on
the fact that others notice that you are changing for the better in only two weeks is so very telling. I am much different when DH travels for work. I sleep better, don't get as many headaches, the house stays neater. it really is very sad that WE are better without them. I thought the point of finding your PERSON was they made you better, they made you want to be better. my DH has not brought out the best in me for a long time, quite the opposite. and like you I cannot abide the laundry list of what I must do for HIM--as near as I could tell, in any given week there was like a 20 minute block of time that would be ideal for any discussions--not first thing in the morning, not before bed, not after work, not on the weekends, the planets have to be aligned just so. Gimme a break. Why do they need to be treated with such kid gloves?? Both my kids were diagnosed with ADHD and I made it my mission to NOT baby them--I used to tell them straight up yes, you have ADHD and NO ONE CARES. WORK HARDER. You still must do your homework, hand in your work on time, be on time to your job, follow the rules. The world does not care, the world is not interested in excuses-just do your job and quit whining. (yes I am kind of a bitch mother...)
pay attention to how you spend your time when you are alone--it took me a while to be comfortable alone but now I love it. I can go out to eat alone, go to a movie alone, go to a museum alone--it's very freeing and I talk to everyone--I'm kind of annoying, but too bad!!!
dv
During my younger daughter's
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
During my younger daughter's first year of college, my then-husband was still spending an average of three days per week at our family home (with the other four being with his parents, in his job providing care to them). So, three days out of seven with me could be considered to be a reasonable amount. Well, he worked those days, too; he had a minimum wage tutoring job. He was supposed to be at the job at 9 a.m., and he wouldn't have any time in the morning before then for us to be together, because he spent a lot of time in the bathroom. When he got home, he'd go to the bathroom again, often for 45 minutes to an hour. Then he'd putter, usually outside. He rarely did the one chore he'd agreed to do, vacuuming once per week. We'd have supper together. If I brought up any "issues" in the evening, I'd face blowback, because he needed time to unwind before going to bed.
Sigh.
A Mother!
Submitted by c ur self on
(yes I am kind of a bitch mother...) ,No you are not...The world needs more of you....You want to put two successful Men in the world, with the makings of good Citizens, Husbands and Fathers ....Instead of two entitled invalids, that people want to avoid....
Keep it up Mom! :)