The most maddening aspect of H's behavior is when one of our granddaughters is here. I don't know what to do about it. H and her "get cozy", touching arms and touching heads and leaning in to smile and laugh together. Granddaughter likes the special attention but a 11 years old does not know about sex and men. H is impulsive and thinks of himself as sexy and personable. He is nearly 70 years old and flirts with anyone and everyone - it gets very embarassing to me when I am with him and he encrouches on his targets while I stand there with arms crossed. It is his personality. His family is inappropriate in this way. Young girls and uncles seem to share in potty words and curse words and it is soooo uncomfortable to me. Anyway, with this granddaughter being such an impressionable age, I need to find some model of what my response should be for her safety. H gets inappropriate and talking to him about it does not good...only fuels his anger at me. What words can I say to granddaughter to teach her about men and flirting at such a young age to keep her safe. Her mother is not a part of our lives anymore.
Flirting with children
Submitted by jennalemone on 06/17/2018.
I really have no idea. If
Submitted by SweetandSour on
I really have no idea. If granddaughter doesn't act at all uncomfortable then probably things are OK - distasteful maybe, but not dangerous. Don't leave them alone together and be alert for any signs from granddaughter that she doesn't want to be around him and back her up at that point. Unfortunately you risk souring the relationships all the way around if you say anything to either one of them at this point.
Loss of words
Submitted by jennalemone on
My concern is that granddaughter is getting comfortable with an old man flirting with her. And being conditioned that this is normal and OK. A wife knows when her spouse is flirting and when her spouse is just being friendly or grandfatherly. This seems like an ADD trait - H doesn't know that this is inappropriate. It feels good to him at the moment so he does it. She doesn't know that this is flirting, only that her Goompa is paying attention to her. Also H is modeling for her potty words humor from an adult. In most polite adult circles this is also inappropriate. I am at a loss for words but don't want to be sorry one day when we realize that granddaughter has been taken advantage of by her comfort with a much older guy. She is a beautiful child. I don't want our family to use potty words as entertainment. I just don't feel very strong today realizing that I "let this all go" without saying something meaningful at the moment. And now the moment is past.
For a while I was admonishing H before she would come over saying, "Remember, Your granddaughter is NOT your girlfriend!" I have to keep remembering to say things like that to him even tho it angers him and makes me feel bad to have to say it. It also demeans and embarrases me and my son, my granddaughter's father.
I understand your concern,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I understand your concern, jennalemone, and I don't think that your granddaughter's lack of visible discomfort is relevant. Not that her behavior is irrelevant; if she were telling gramps to knock it off, I think that would be great. Unfortunately, I don't have suggestions for dealing with the situation other than to not let them be alone in a room together.
My grandfather was "overly affectionate" and he ended up molesting me when I was 13. He also molested my sister and one of her friends.
overly affectionate
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am so sorry. What a betrayal PoisonIvy! Yes, exactly. We hear of it SO MUCH these days. How would your mother/grandmother have helped to prevent that other than policing the father/grandfather? I am really wondering what an adult woman can do within her own family. What could she have told you at 11 or 13 that would have made it impossible to happen? She likes the attention so far. How can I tell her to tell Grampa to "Knock it Off?" What are the words to tell her to stop Grampa's "special attention"? The girls are here overnight once a week at least and I can not rely on H to be an adult with them.
Where are the girls parents
Submitted by Libby on
Where are the girls parents in all of this? Have you spoken with them about it?
You are in a very difficult position....
Submitted by c ur self on
If I were you, I think, I would set down with my Son....And just explain to him the unhealthy aspects in the positioning and conversation that is happening....I would just tell him, I see this, and refuse to live any longer with the discomfort that is my heart and mind about this subject...I would tell him that I've made reveling comments (to his Father) about my discomfort with his actions... So he knows I disapprove, and this conversation isn't something he hasn't heard from me...I would also tell him, all I get from him in response is denial, anger and ignored....I would remind your Son that she is very impressionable, just like all immature 11 year olds that are innocent and trusting....And your Father isn't teaching her the right life lessons about respect, between ladies and gentlemen.
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I created an account just to message you
Submitted by tigrio on
Hey Jenna. This might sound really weird, but I created an account just to contact you so that I could let you know how much your posts on this forum have helped me. I pretty much spent two hours scouring through your posts a few days ago after stumbling on this site, and I feel like I learned so much. I wanted to ask if you'd heard about attachment theory? Your husband sounds like a textbook dismissive avoidant. Your posts are so insightful, and so rich with pain, that I wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your life here so that some of us can gain from what you've lived through.