Submitted by Libby on 06/25/2018.
If I ask my husband a question. Any question large or small I will be met with a screaming fit. Why?!? I can see if I peppered him with questions all the time that would be frustrating but I don't. To me questions are a part of good communication. And he asks questions no problem. If I ask them there is hell to pay....
37 years of living with this and the harshness of his reaction to me still hurts.
I get that too
Submitted by adhd32 on
My H likes to withhold information and convey only what he feels is necessary. If he is telling a story (monologue) and I ask a question to clarify something he is blathering on about he gets angry. He jumps from topic to topic and person to person and half the time I cannot follow who he is speaking about or what the point is. Asking questions, to me, indicates that the listener is engaged and wants more depth; questions are part of a good conversation.
If I am making plans for us to go out, or to have company, or (the big one) planning a trip, I need input. Most times he answers one or two questions and then goes ballistic and tells me to just make the plans and let him know. This approach is usually no better because he doesn't know what to expect and is pissy preparing for the dinner/vacation and complains about and questions every decision I made. Why did I pick this hotel, where is the gas station, what's there to do here? He hated trips when the kids were young because everything was planned out-activities, accommodations, etc all arranged ahead of time. He claims to like to be free-wheeling and spontaneous so we tried a fly and drive trip last summer without specific stops and it was a disaster. He couldn't decide on a hotel and wanted ME to approach the front desks to ask for a room! Um, no Mr, Freewheeler, this is your deal. Then he complained about the last minute price which could have been much less had we made reservations months ago. He expected that we would arrive somewhere to open vacancies and fun activities never thinking that it was the height of the season and most other people planned ahead.
Sorry for the detour. I don't understand why a question is such a catalyst to a meltdown. When did that happen? or Why was she standing there? should not illicit a hissy fit.
Your maybe asking because he looks available...when he is not...
Submitted by c ur self on
People who live in a busy mind do not like added distractions, (they usually have all the balls in the air they can juggle, there is no room) they aren't capable of hearing you, following you, and responding calmly to your comment or questions....No matter how normal and available they may appear....
Especially questions that cause them to think; questions concerning responsibilities, or questions concerning accountability.....They usually will happily endure the work (of mind) it takes to listen to questions that lead to great selfish interests....
The emotions that usually surfaces when they are put on the spot (in their minds) by hard questions is frustration or angry...which produces angry outbursts or lashing out... Just because a person is intelligent, and appears to be available to communicate...They are the farthest thing from it....
c
Why then
Submitted by adhd32 on
Why then is he able to communicate maturely with others? Maybe he gets frustrated with them too but holds it in until he can lash out at a later time at someone who has no idea what they did to deserve his outburst. I think I answered my own question. Hmm.
That is this thing that makes
Submitted by Libby on
That is this thing that makes it most unbearable for me. Knowing that if he is talking with someone else it is all a big wonderful party. Much intense listening and loud laughter. For me it is much cold shoulder and screaming. He tells me all the time that it is my fault he can't speak kindly to me. I apparently do not know how to talk properly.
adhd 32...I think so too, in part...
Submitted by c ur self on
(Why then is he able to communicate maturely with others?)
Does he? Does she?...So lets see how this works...Work associates? No choice, maybe mundane or repetitive issues to discuss, so they endure it...Why? motivation (hold a job for $)....Many have no or few close friends, Why? Close friends ask personal questions, close friends like to calmly communicate, life of hiding behaviors = no motivation to seek out friends...What about marriage partners?...Many that are aware of their intrusive life styles don't seek out a partner...But, just because you have intrusive traits and abhor responsibility doesn't mean you aren't human (human desires for fellowship, sex, security etc.) So hiding true self, hyper focus (lots of attention)...Boom your married!....
They can communicate and will, when it's light, laughter, good times, bragging, boasting...Any thing really where there is selfish interest and no pressure to be responsible....So what about a Spouse? Well, It depends on the motivation...Lets say your husband just cut you off and got short w/ you when you engaged him about a plumbing problem, and an hour later he does the same thing about a problem with your car....But what if you swing by his easy chair w/ his favorite dish and a cold glass of tea...Do you get a smile, and a comment...maybe a happy toned thank you? Or what if you are headed to bed, and you swing by his easy chair where he is busy playing fantasy sports on his lap top...And you have nothing on but your panties and worn out t-shirt and a smile;), and ask him if he is interested in making your dreams come true....Well, maybe he would communicate very peacefully if not energetically for the next little while any way....Motivation has a lot to do w/ how any of us communicate...Especially a person who is selfish or has limited capacity to follow along....Usually they will do all the talking, or none at all....That's their comfort zone....And if they are in denial of it...That's what you can expect....A lady told me (a friends wife), that was in a group meeting w/ my wife...That after my wife left one day....That the lady said about her..."She sure likes the sound of her own voice"....Judging talk time is also difficult....They are usually much more apt to speak then to listen, in comfortable settings....Just the opposite if they feel pressure....Also retention is a problem for many, so you may notice them making notes, if the subject matter interests them....
This is my experience any way...
c
Motivation is weird in our case
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Good post C. I did the bra and panties thing, (lol) got no response. It's lousy to get shot down sexually when you're actually trying to help the marriage stay viable. I was trying to help make HIM feel good about himself as well.....didn't work. Got shot down a lot. He wasn't interested in sex, which can mess with your feelings and head. Haven't had sex in years, his choice, and another thing he wouldn't discuss. So, I stopped trying, and don't ask for it for myself either. (Wouldnt get it anyway, since he doesnt see the point of it) He says "If I can 't perform, what's the point of doing it?" ,..........I stopped trying to explain that also. Denial is a terrible thing. It stands in the way of so much potential communication.
I can't relate dede...
Submitted by c ur self on
Normal male hormones isn't responsible....I'm 61 and I pursue my wife hard..lol...I can't think of anything that could cause that...The statement about the ability to perform, I can see that definitely effecting a man's desire, and his pride...But lets face it, intimacy isn't all about penetration...(Esp, as we age)...If I couldn't penetrate her, but my wife want a orgasm....I would be pretty selfish if I didn't take care of her needs....(husband's responsibility)...
I have empathy for you, but, on the other hand, I also admire your strength....
c
The DIFFERENCE is EMOTION
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
Adhd32... what I have learned here is that the 'difference' is EMOTION.
When the 'ADHD brain' is EMOTIONAL, the 'logic' part of the brain sort of 'SHUTS OFF'. Thus, THIS is WHY an ADHD spouse REACTS and OVER-REACTS to his/her partner WAY MORE 'INTENSELY' than he/she does with 'other people'. Obviously, they CARE about their spouse and LOVE their spouse WAY MORE than they care about or love 'other people'. THUS, the STRONGER 'REACTION'.
This, too, explains 'why' the ADHD person 'APPEARS' to be somewhat 'child-like' in their reactions. Their 'reactions' for the most part, are PURELY EMOTIONAL. They are not 'tempered' with logic and reason.
Although it can be EXTREMELY 'frustrating' and hurtful, at times... there is a 'beauty' to the 'honesty' of the 'raw emotions'.
I get that some things can be
Submitted by adhd32 on
Give, I get that in some instances questions can be perceived as criticism by H but if he is telling a long drawn out story and I just want to clarify a detail what emotion comes into play? Is he angry because he perceives his monologue is perfect and my question is pointing out the holes in his story?
When I ask my DH questions
Submitted by Libby on
When I ask my DH questions what I often hear in response is "You just think I'm stupid". He sometimes says that when I make statements too. I could tell him the sky is blue today and he would scream I can see that I'm not dumb you know. His responses make it very difficult it have simple conversations and chit chat.
Oh Man
Submitted by adhd32 on
I get the same thing. Lately I just say that I do not think he is stupid, he must feel that way due to some internal reason and he is trying to pin it on me since he cannot KNOW what I actually think. Then he usually stomps off.
We we went out for a lovely dinner for my birthday and were driving home when traffic started backing up so I mentioned a new traffic pattern ahead that goes from 4 lanes down to 2. I would have mentioned it to a friend or daughter so I did not feel it was anything insulting. Well, he went ballistic and shouted that he wasn't stupid blah, blah, blah, and shouted over me every time I tried to speak. I would not respond after that but I thanked him for ruining my birthday. I should have jumped out of the car at the next red light but I didn't even think to because i was so shocked. I did not speak to him for days, I could not even look at him I was so hurt.
This behavior is typical add behavior....
Submitted by c ur self on
Libby & Adhd32, If we took a vote, I think we would get a lot more yes's than no's about explosive reactions to simple comments or questions...I personally think so many adders, have so much baggage, that they stay on edge (most all the time) when it comes to anything related to "self protection" of their mind/thinking abilities.....Of course the anger level or response level ranges for each indiv.....
c
Nice explanation GMP...I agree....
Submitted by c ur self on
Also, I will add that not only does logic suffer during these episodes...So does recall...If you want a past argument to catch fire again..Just try telling this type mind what they said or done during their outbursts...In my experience they have no idea, but, because of denial and fight to the death mind-set...They will never back down, no matter how wrong they are....So we have to be wise enough to let it die....
The only thing I feel a little different about than you is...The beauty of the raw emotions!....I too love it and have learned to appreciate it, when it's her interacting w/ the grand children...But when it's negative raw emotion direct at me...No so much;)
c
Yes, yes
Submitted by adhd32 on
They never back down so now I take a page from Dr Phil...Do you want to be right or do you want peace? I'm going with peace, so I peace out. Argue by yourself, and have a nice day. Bye.
I should not be seen as an
Submitted by Libby on
I should not be seen as an added distraction or inconvenience. I am his wife.
That's way we fight.....Pointing it out!
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree w/ you 100%....
What the h__ is it now?
Submitted by jennalemone on
Yes! No Questions!
If i would ask an ADDer, how would you like me to act, talk to you, plan, etc. differently, I wonder how that would look?
From living a long time with H, I would venture a pretty good guess:
- Do not talk while I am doing crossword puzzles, listening to the radio, during a TV show, in public where things are happening, doing a project,working, walking toward something.
- Do not talk to me too early in the morning, too late at night, while driving - because the radio must be on while driving.
- Do not talk to me about finances, future plans, tomorrow, bills, how to do something, when to do something. NO QUESTIONS!
in other words,
- Only talk to me about fun feel good things,or flattery, or flirting after a fun event where there has been some drinking and he was not unpopular.
- Talk about politics anytime....when we do, get ready for a heated, angry outburst toward the end.
- Potty humor and off color jokes are always welcome.
After re-reading this, the thought comes to me that H and I are from different family ways of being. He would probably be OK with me yelling and cussing and high drama back at him with consistent interruptions, verbal jousting back at him via Lucy and Ricky. But I tend to get blown over and mute. Frustration for both of us.
And yet when we are with
Submitted by Libby on
And yet when we are with other people I'm supposed to be all friendly and chatty with him. I don't do that. It is just crazy making. I wonder sometimes what other people think when they are around us. I'm sure the silence must make them uncomfortable.
Okay, this made me laugh out loud jenna!
Submitted by dvance on
Okay, this made me laugh out loud! The conditions under which an ADHD person can actually take in information and respond to it coherently are just so bizarre and limited we really don't have a prayer of hitting them at the right time, do we. My DH sits in his chair watching you tube videos with headphones in so if I need to ask him something I have to wave my arms in front of him to get his attention and then it's a big production of him taking out the headphones, pausing the show, there is likely to be huffing and puffing. You know what? forget it. I'll figure it out without your input, but thanks anyway...
Oh, yes....
Submitted by Goldilox73 on
Amen, Jennalemone! We are living parallel lives. My H grew up with yelling as the primary form of communication from an undiagnosed mother with ADHD. You can’t even imagine. Would make Lucy and Ricky stop and stare! Even today, they scream and curse at each other and it’s over in 20 min, with all forgiven. I cannot tolerate that kind of communication in my home. I grew up with parents who fought ‘respectfully’. Which is why we are so close to separating. Do you think it’s poor modeling? ADHD? Or a combination?
OMG have you been in my house
Submitted by dvance on
OMG have you been in my house?? ANYTHING I ask, he tells me I am interrogating him (I think I spelled that wrong). And it takes me 4 or 5 questions to get a solid answer. The other day he told me he has spoken to our management company about our new lease (they were dragging their feet about getting the fully executed lease back to us). And then he stopped talking. After a long pause I actually yelled at him WHAT DID SHE SAY??? And he kind of startled and was like OH-she said she would get back to me. So odd.
Asking a Question... or 'QUESTIONING'???
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
Libby, the one thing that I have learned... (which, by the way, ONLY took me ABOUT 25 YEARS to 'figure out')... was that my ADHD husband HEARS my 'questions' as if I am QUESTIONING HIM!!! Figuring this out has been CRUCIAL in 'navigating through 'healthier' conversation and communication'.
Of course, 'figuring this out' hasn't CHANGED anything, per se... but it HAS stopped his 'screaming fits'... as I now 'recognize' HOW he hears/perceives things... and I will 'compensate'/reiterate/clarify/reassure, etc... to MAKE SURE that he UNDERSTANDS that I am ONLY ASKING A SIMPLE QUESTION.
My husband DOES NOT 'hear the WORDS'... He hears the IMPLICATIONS.
If you are not aware of Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD), that OFTEN goes 'hand-in-hand' with ADHD, take a little time to look into it. Once I became aware of this, I learned to QUIETLY AND CALMLY ask my husband, "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"... at those times that his responses seemed WAY 'out of line' to my simple questions... and was LITERALLY BLOWN AWAY that my husband would HEAR sometimes THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what I LITERALLY SAID.
(As an aside... I learned about CAPD on this forum... and SO MANY OTHER THINGS. This forum has been LIFE CHANGING for me and my relationship) :)
I am sure that my DH has CAPD
Submitted by Libby on
I am sure that my DH has CAPD. That even comes out in his interactions with others. Many times I have seen that he did not understand what was said to him by other people. And many times he totally disregards other people's requested of him. I honestly do not know how he has managed to stay in business as long as he has. Customers are always calling and asking for their bills or quotes for jobs. He is two years behind in billing. It is maddening for the customers and for me his business partner.
Hi Libby!
Submitted by klem on
Hi Libby! I was reading this his thread & am really relating to everything I’m reading. My husband had ADHD and I’m in the process of learning more about it as out marriage has been on a steady decline. I am always met with either plain ignoring me or sudden bursts of anger, in what I view as even the simplest conversations. Unfortunately, my husband has used abusive language and seems very enraged sometimes. I’ve recently posted about this and was told this behavior can not be attributed to ADHD but from reading this thread I’m not sure! Maybe he just goes beyond with an extra dash of verbal abuse thrown in.. I’m not sure but I’m in the process of trying to discover if out marriage is beyond repair or not. I realize we both need to change and he would need to consider a possibility of RSD (some on here suggested I look in to this) and he would require additional treatment as what’s happening now clearly isn’t working. Yes, it’s like there are no questions allowed (for me anyway) and I can’t live like that forever.
I suggest trying to print out your next questions
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Libby, as an exercise (perhaps in futility...) I suggest trying to print out your next questions on a sheet of paper and then hand the paper to your husband to see how he reacts. I wonder if not receiving your questions verbally allows him to react differently. (Who knows but it [probably] can't hurt to try...)
Yes I should try that. Who
Submitted by Libby on
Yes I should try that. Who knows what the reaction would be.
Klem
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Just chiming in for clarity. I think your husband's rages DO fit the picture of ADHD. Angry outbursts are very characteristic - low impulse control causes them to say things that they "should" hold back and the extreme defensiveness which leads to those type of attacks is also very characteristic. My understanding is that RSD isn't a completely separate disorder - more like it is a feature of this disorder (and probably of others too). If you know about it then you can understand a little bit better where they are coming from when they get SO upset when you say things that seem to you not to be critical or insulting at all.
Thanks SweetandSour! I'm
Submitted by klem on
Thanks SweetandSour! I'm reading a lot of conflicting information about angry outbursts. Thanks so much for your input. I really appreciate it. I have lots of research & figuring to do.
ADHD very commonly has comorbid conditions
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
It is very common for ADHD to exist with one or more additional conditions like depression, anxiety, RSD, ODD, etc. Together they can act as a 'Hydra' where improvement on one does not mean there is necessarily improvement on the others (and vis versa).