If you are in a loving and fun relationship for many years - at times strained by misunderstood ADD symptoms, and then finally ended because of responses to those symptoms, is there any way to get through to your ADD partner about the importance of this? To have a 'second chance at life' ?
Peaceful happiness has eluded us for many years, and can be summarized by typical scenarios where I (non-ADD female) would uncharitably attack/accuse my partner as a reaction to what I perceived as selfish/inexplicable/uncharitable neglect on my partner's part.
So this was the typical pattern. I would feel let down, and disrespected, and in turn would disrespect him. WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT ADD BEING BEHIND THIS. All I knew was that he took Adderall and I never considered it a serious condition...it was more a forgettable thought, like, "Oh he has allergies."
So I always interpreted his intentions in a very negative way. When he responded to me, I always felt that he was just acknowledging the hurt but not verbalizing anything caring. I always likened it to a kid being made to write "I will not be bad" on the chalkboard 100 times. It did not feel meaningful and I would get even more upset at the detached sounding acknowledgements that often sounded like excuses and lacked more passionate loving words.
In hindsight, I am cringing badly and my heart is disappointed in myself! He was doing the best he could, and was probably being made so discouraged by me. I was also discouraged because I could not understand why I was not worth more of an 'effort' on his part. Why I was always left in limbo.
ADD explains so much of this; I was sabotaging him and myself. He was sabotaging himself by not being more self-aware or communicative about what he was actually dealing with.
So after a downward spiral of this, he has finally given up and left me. We've been together for years. I love him and think he is the most special man I've ever been lucky to be with. But I have suffered a lot from his stonewalling and passive-seeming behavior. I believe he loves me, but has been worn down, and hasn't experienced being fully loved or accepted by me, because of these "attacks".
Please help me with some advice. How do I convey these tragic misunderstandings to him and inspire him to see the potential to get back to our loving selves?
I want to be a more serene and accepting person. I was not able to because I allowed his behavior to take me to a negative place. I can be in control of that. I can let go of that. I don't need to be constantly offended. It no longer seems as disrespectful or neglectful as it did.
The thought that it is "too late" is freaking me out. I am in agony over his absence and things being interrupted before we could ever actually scratch the surface of our challenges.
Most of these problems began in earnest when we began living together several years ago.
I really appreciate your advice...... !
RE: Missing link
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, split pea soup,
You could consider contacting him right away. Share things like, "I love you and think you are the most special man I've ever been lucky to be with." See if he is willing to talk in person. Probably this will have to be brief because neither one of you is different yet - that takes work and practice.
In my opinion, a good additional step forward is for you to write an apology / amends letter. Then put it into practice. So many people confuse apology (words) with amends (action).
If you are both committed, you can make your relationship work.
All the best,
Angie
Under-treated ADHD
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Split Pea, Your partner's ADHD is undertreated in that seeming the only treatment he undergoes is Adderal. This may help reduce the noise in his brain which can allow him to focus better on selected tasks but it does not help with behavioral issues like having a poor sense of time. You've interpreted this as selfishness on his part (as have I in my situation) because it IS selfish in the non-ADHD reality. Your partner does not live in the same non-ADHD reality as do we and sees their behavior as NORMAL because for him it is normal. You are hurt by this constant 'selfish' behavior and your partner is hurt by your 'attacks' pointing out the impact of this behavior.
Your partner can attempt to adopt behavioral aids and pursue cognitive behavioral therapy to help keep him on track to achieve his treatment's goals. Only he can accept that he needs additional treatment and only he can implement the treatment. You can't force him or control him. You'll see on many other conversation threads that the non-ADHD partner has to 'step back' and be sure to pursue personal goals so not to be subsumed by enabling the ADHD. There is no magic bullet. Emotionally twisting yourself continuously to accommodate ADHD will fail. You are not alone in this predicament nor did you want life to be this way.
Hi WIGB, thanks for your
Submitted by split pea soup on
Hi WIGB, thanks for your validating reply.
The frustrating thing is that I am very independent and pursue my own interests with a passion. He sleeps late and I am an early riser... I love to get up early, walk outside, get inspired for the day, and then hit the ground running. I am an artist and in our time living together I had hoped to have the stability to work on my filmmaking. Unfortunately all these fights and ensuing periods of stonewalling silence really disrupted my flow. I blamed him for this, but I can see that it was my choice to let myself stay negative about it.
I feel if he were able to come back, return to our life and our home, I would be able to "step back" more liberally and peacefully than ever before. My goal is to be more serene, more positive, and after reading hundreds of these forums I no longer see the need to get so wrapped into a negative feeling of neglect. I want only to make him feel accepted, respected, and loved. To make our time together count and not struggle to reinvent schedules or plans every week. But unfortunately in his absence I am very isolated and it frays my nerves and the current situation is so destabilizing that I am not able to tap into my "best self". It sounds dangerous I suppose to depend on him in this way. On the other hand, there is nothing really normal about having your loved one turn away from you so abruptly and coldly. If he could re-engage and simply be here, I know that it would be enough for me to tap into my best self, and in time I believe he would begin to feel more emotionally safe around me. I am just not sure how to achieve that right now. I can't write to him, can't see him, and he is on a path that is moving further from me every day. I badly want to keep our apartment so that we can begin to live differently, and I can give him a much wider berth. Sigh.
Thanks again
OTOH He is an under
Submitted by barneyarff on
OTOH He is an under treated ADDer and has shown that is what he intends to be. You may love him but his day to day actions annoy you. ADD or not it is him and he will not change. Do you want to live that way?
Instead of trying to change yourself to enable his refusal to get on top of the ADD symptom. just let him go. What do you think it will be like 20 years from now? You will have had to stuff your frustrations because it's his "disease" and he goes on his merry way being accepted but not seeing how much energy you use to enable him. Are you ready to do that?
Don't become one of us. Please .
Thanks b for your warning and
Submitted by split pea soup on
Thanks b for your warning and reply.
The thing is, he is very attentive in so many ways. The bad money management and time blindness freaked me out. I can live with those, or rather, adapt and find better ways to cope and manage. But this man is completely affectionate, always up for doing what I want to do, whether it is a long car trip or a walk or a movie...he gladly will run to the store for things IF I ASK HIM...he does dishes, helps around the house, is attentive and sweet in his own ways. Mostly it is the inconsistent communication with text when he is "out of sight out of mind", or the stonewalling when he perceives I have attacked or criticized him. Those things are under my control to not push him there. So the ADD manifests mostly un communication breakdowns which drive/drove us apart. I feel there is much more good than bad, and he has a wonderful heart, and the main problem is me snapping at him in an overly aggressive, resentful way. I do not want to continue to be that way. Not understanding ADD and taking personally the communication breakdown/triggered emotional distance is what underlies our problems. With this in mind, does it seem worth fighting for? It is to me.
Hello again.
Submitted by barneyarff on
Hello again.
I will try to write this as well as I can. This isn't my area of expertise though. I talked to a coworker who is an expert in this area and as well as I can put it she said that even though your boyfriend has a disability that doesn't mean you should be expected to "do" for him. It would be like a person who has MS. Yes, to get from one place to another they may have to use a cane or a wheelchair and you might have to walk slower to accomodate them but you shouldn't be expected to carry them because they can't be bothered to learn how to use a cane. It seems like many ADDers refuse to learn how to use a cane and want to be carried. (for instance he could have set a couple of alarms to be more timely but he didn't. He just expected you to be understanding. Of course he used up a few hours of your time waiting.... but that doesn't mean anything in his eyes OH! and never EVER wait for an ADDer---IMO-- give them 10 minutes extra and go without them) It will get worse as your relationship goes on. Since you tolerate him being hours late maybe you will tolerate him leaving dirty dishes all over or maybe it's OK for him to be on the computer all night instead of interacting with you (because his brain is scrambled after talking to so many people at work, don't you know) My experience is that your tolerence will be tested again and again and all he has to do is be fun and pleasant when asked to do fun things. My husband loves to go to the store. It's fun for him. So of course it costs him nothing to be pleasant. But ask him to take dishes out of the dishwasher!!!! There is a lot of sighing and procrastinating. In fact he whined that it took too much time out of his day to take dishes out of the dishwasher. So I timed it. 3 minutes. Of course then I was accused of being mean.
So do what you want. It's your life. I just wish you would be careful.
I would suggest sending a card with a short note
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I would suggest sending a card with a short note (like two sentences) to show you are thinking of him. The mail will get to him (but you may not get any acknowledgement.) Sending the card/note is a balm to your soul. You'll have taken a positive action. Take the break as a means to regroup. You need to to regroup to 'move forward' whether or not you are with your partner. So you might as well start now. My blessings to you.
The Thrill is Gone
Submitted by adhd32 on
All of us in long term relationships know that hyper focus phase has ended for you. You are talking about all the changes you would make. Why???? He decided, he made a move, and he is done. He is still the same and will still be the same next week, next month, next year. There really is nothing normal about "having a loved one turn away from your so abruptly and coldly". I think you know that. You may change your reaction to his behavior but his behavior will not change and you will just become someone you are not. If his behavior irritates why do you want to pretend it doesn't? Why would you consider being anyone other than yourself in a relationship; bending and twisting yourself to accommodate him?
Hyperfocus ended 6 years ago.
Submitted by split pea soup on
Hyperfocus ended 6 years ago.....we began having communication problems when we began living together 3 years ago.
I do not see it as bending and twisting, rather becoming a more peaceful person myself. I have my own issues and am quick to anger. We have had a wonderful affectionate life, punctuated by terrible fights usually instigated by me feeling neglected and not understanding how ADD was impacting us. Unfortunately he is much more sensitive than non-ADD partners, to that kind of conflict, and we fell into a cycle. He has been thoughtful and communicative, just not in certain situations which have then led to fights. (For example, missing his flight and dealing with it on his own without communicating with me first; going to pick up a rental car and being gone for hours because his bank accounts were overdrawn, and keeping me in the dark about it/not picking up the phone when I tried to see what was going on....causing me to pounce, poke, yell....etc.)
The problem is that when I went overboard with criticism and anger, e.g. throwing things and having an angry outburst, he would come back at me with the desire to break up. So that is a terrible insecure pattern that was established. And now after the last fight he has done the same. We had been in a more stable period and were just around the corner from a focused "attend time" this summer. I had decided long ago that I could accept this person's flaws and that his wonderful qualities fit me in a very good way. It's really not conceivable that it could end so abruptly, and carried along by the awful timing. I am also struggling right now with feeling like a very disposable woman, though that is probably my own hurt ego speaking rather than his motivations in leaving....
Very simply I just sadly realize that I pushed him too far, and he is the avoidant type who can just switch off like that. I am devastated, and know that our problems can be turned around. We have always managed to easily reconnect in the past. It is just that he is so out of reach now, and I am really at a loss.
He has a room with his old roommates so he doesn't really have to confront the practical aspects of a split. I, on the other hand, am facing the loss of my home and cannot afford to stay in my city on my own. This is very destabilizing for me. If we had not lived together it would be easier to just let him figure things out...........but I also deeply regret the lost opportunities for living together in the right way. There were many wonderful moments - just chronic fighting in the past, and then one last bad one 6 weeks ago after months of stability. I am really at a loss.... sorry to ramble
Good Luck
Submitted by adhd32 on
I think that you are missing that his behaviors (the missing flights, the car rental thing) will always be part of his life. Could you handle these kinds of crises for 30 or 40 years? How about while you are standing at the counter with an infant and toddler and no way to get to your destination? Love is lovely, the reality of life with untreated ADD is not. He ducked out of the relationship at a time that was good for him, not you. He had somewhere to go and a place to go when he returns so he had an easy out for himself after your disagreement. Stop blaming your self and your bad behavior for the breakup. He was a coward and and didn't want to deal with the conflict of breaking up. He took the opportunity when it presented itself and used the easy way out.
We had talked about having
Submitted by split pea soup on
We had talked about having kids and that "we were enough for each other".
I have invested a lot in this relationship.
The missed flight was his own thing; it didn't affect me except that I had an expectation as his girlfriend that he would "consult" with me first. The thing with the rental car happened 2 years ago - he has gotten better about those things.
Yes, he definitely left like a coward. But I also yelled and screamed at him like a coward. We each have our limbic weaknesses. I really want our relationship to work and I cannot stress how ****eye opening**** reading about ADHD has been in the last 6 weeks since he left. Please understand that before this time, I took everything personally, as a sign that he did not care about me! He would constantly say that he did care, and that it hurt him to think of the times he'd failed me, but we just never discussed how ADD was affecting the neglect/anger/shutdown cycle. This is why I want another chance at our relationship. It is also why I am not able to accept it ending.
I guess for him the stakes are less, his needs are different and are easier to get filled. But ending in this way will be extremely hard for me to recover from, I will feel so used... and like there was not a fair chance.
Sorry
Submitted by adhd32 on
The infant, toddler thing was me. H had tickets he hid, not sure how he didn't realize it would affect his renting a car. Enough said...best of luck.
You aren't compatible right
Submitted by SweetandSour on
You aren't compatible right now. You sound desperate and not respectful of his choices - like you know better. Things won't work while you're in that mind set. He's not going to respond positively. You're bargaining like a kid who has been warned repeatedly that they'll lose a privilege if they don't do what they're supposed to do, then they lose the privilege, then they promise to do what they haven't done all this time - usually take better care of something. I know I sound harsh. You're getting pretty much the same answers from everybody on here and from the situation itself and it's not what you want to hear and you're trying to force things to be different. Not gonna happen... I know because I see myself in you. And I do understand and sympathize - the rug was pulled out from under you. The feelings of powerlessness and rejection combined with the feelings of guilt and defensiveness are enough to make you feel like you're going insane; there's no outlet for that type of frustration. I know. I hear you. We are the same in so many ways. But your type of active problem-solving and his passivity are never going to meet. No one here, including me, has any kind of agenda toward you, so you can trust that we are telling you the truth as we see it.
I an right there with you
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
Your message really resonated with me because I was you and have written the same things and my heart hurt reading them. My husband would constantly apologize and I would constantly put him down. I understand the frustration and I know how you got there. Tell him how you feel now and how you will try harder to understand his ADHD. My husband and I have a "death till we part" mindset so no matter how bad things get I know we will pull through because we have no other choice. We laugh more now at his adhd because you have to have a good sense of humor with this affliction. Be open and honest and more than that be supportive to this man you love. I am still working very hard at all this and am in no way an expert. Best of luck!
multiple wrongs....
Submitted by c ur self on
Relationships are difficult enough to navigate when the person's involved manage their lives with discipline, patients and truth...Based on your posts he lacked genuine concern about his words and promises being useless....Time management is definitely add related...Indifference is not....
Your verbal barrage's I'm sure were hard to swallow for him (just like they would be for any of us) But, life is about learning, growing and maturing...You can take this opportunity to consider your own Character, which based on your posts...You are doing just that...I can tell you first hand, you should be thankful you aren't married...Repent, Grow, and Move on...A Wiser Women...
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