ADHD Effect on Marriage is one of my current re-reads. I just finished reading Step 2: Addressing Obstacles. I am still struggling a lot with the aspect of natural consequences for the adhd spouse. I am finding that I, the non-adhd spouse, am still bombarded with natural consequences as a result of my adhd household. But the natural consequences don't seem to be affecting the adhd individuals, they seem to be my natural consequences...by association. As a small example, I will do laundry simply because I need to clean my clothes so I might as well do everyone else's, but I will not put their clothes away. I will put my husband's clothes in a pile somewhere (either in our bedroom or the shared closet). Not my responsibility....letting go. He will never put them away, and my room and closet is still a mess. That is a natural consequence, to me, that is mine too because my closet/room is still a mess. Yes, his natural consequence is that he cannot find his clothes, but I still have a messy room. This is a smaller scale example to the example Melissa uses in, "Don't let triggers send you back" and "Don't Acquiesce"...When Melissa's business phone line was cut off, the "don't acquiesce" result was that she had to contact all her business connections to tell them her cell number. I'm confused. Isn't that a natural consequence that affects her big time? Yes, Melissa had to take action that is better for her (contacting associates), but this was at the cost of her husband's procrastinations. How can she not blame? AND, Was her husband's natural consequence guilt? Can someone please clarify this for me.
natural consequences - adhd effect on marriage - questions and reflections
Submitted by Grimley on 07/10/2018.
They are who they are
Submitted by jennalemone on
so I might as well do everyone else's,
No. Don't do their hygiene for them. This is where we get pulled in. Don't be concerned what they think of this. Don't be concerned with what other people might think of this. Concern yourself with your own sanity and boundaries and time.
Keep the mess in the laundry room. Or in a separate out of the way room. Let them wear dirty wrinkled clothes if that is who THEY are. You might just have to live with that. That is what I do. It is a reflection on my husband, not on me when he has no clean clothes to wear. Don't pity him because he does not have a laundress. Remind yourself that you were graciously his laundress for so many years. You will get over the shame of their messiness after you separate yourself from their behaviors or their bad habits. And keep their messiness out of your sight. You get to have a clean bedroom to rest in if that is what you want.
consequences
Submitted by jennalemone on
After H had to do his own laundry he let all his dirty clothes and clean clothes all over the laundry room and just started getting dressed in the laundry room. This went on for years...even though I was sort of embarrassed about it at first. So, this past year, we had the laundry room re-done. He keeps his clothes there now in the guest bedroom closet next to the laundry room downstairs. I am sure he construes this in his brain that I kicked him out of the bedroom, not recalling how it was his laundry that HE started keeping in the laundry room because he didn't want to put his clothes away. So be it.
First of all you are still
Submitted by barneyarff on
First of all you are still enabling the ADDers by doing their laundry. Stop that.
I can remember when I kept getting criticized about how I did my husband's laundry so I stopped. Since then, for all these years, he points out how he helps around the house by doing his own laundry. Don't know if that's ADD or male privilege. It's hard to tell. Maybe it's both.
Also interested
Submitted by ADHD Spouse w ADHD on
I too am confused by this.. If we need to let the adhd spouse face natural consequences but the non adhd spouse's life becomes chaotic and troublesome because of the process. How much is too much ? When is enough?
I would imagine...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I have not read the book as my relationship ended prior to me finding this site, but I would imagine that "too much" will mean different things to different people. Some people can tolerate more clutter than others. Some people may not mind being responsible for managing all finances, while others may not. And so forth.. So I would imagine that the boundaries and limits will probably be based on what the non-ADHD partner is willing or able to include in their life and will vary from person to person.
I am super interested in
Submitted by dvance on
I am super interested in Melissa's response to what "natural consequences" are to an ADHD person. My DH does not seem to experience natural consequences the way the rest of us understand them. I handle our finances because like so many of us if I didn't we would have been homeless years ago. However, DH has several credit cards in his own name. What is on them and how he pays them off is a mystery to me because when the statements come in the mail and I put them on his dresser that is where they remain until they get shoved in a drawer, unopened. Now, he could very well be handling all of that online and just hasn't done the "stop sending paper statements" thing, but the unopened mail shoved in a drawer is odd. That's not a great example. Not eating all day and then being headachy and crabby at the end of a work day. Well...most folks need to eat during the day...the natural consequence of not taking care of yourself is you are crabby and feel crummy, but that is not enough to motivate him to make a plan for the next day. Ditto other health issues--headaches from an outdated glass prescription, but no making the appointment at the eye doctor that we can afford. Much moaning and groaning and limping from painful knees but no making the appointment at the doctor to investigate that either. Those natural consequences only affect him, not the rest of us, which I would think in the self absorbed mind of an ADHD person would make them deal with those issues, but I guess not. He used to overdraw our account all the time by taking money out of the ATM and not telling me or recording it. The consequence there was now he has no access to our finances, so he just went and opened his own account with what money I don't know, so again, no real consequence to him. Messes made and left? No consequence to him if he is not bothered. Projects not finished? No consequence to him if he doesn't care. So I am very curious what Melissa and other will say about this. One of the top, what, three things that is hardest to deal with about an ADHD person is their lack of care and awareness of how their actions or lack of actions affect others, so isn't this the same thing? It has been my experience not only in 23 years of marriage to an ADHD person but also teaching many ADHD kids and raising ADHD kids that is is darn near impossible to find a consequence that truly motivates them to change their behavior for any sustained period of time. All of us have had the experience of pitching a gigantic fit about something when we just couldn't take it any more and then they change for a while but the change rarely sticks. I have no helpful solutions, but I concur with whoever said the one who cares the most loses. (that may have been a different post). It's so true though--we are the ones bothered or upset by things that they just walk on by. Must be nice. I wish I could let stuff go the way my DH does--messes, lack of follow through, forgetting things, outright lies--he didn't do it on purpose, don't you know, so why am I upset???
Melissa--thoughts???
Pain isn't bad enough
Submitted by adhd32 on
Two recent examples of consequences not even mattering to H.
H had his 2 lower front teeth knocked out doing something stupid at least 18 months ago. He moaned and groaned about how he looked. We were in the process of switching insurance in order to get out of a network plan and H didn't want the dentist we were using to do any work since he is semi-retired and not up on the latest techniques. H had to write a letter informing his benefits dept that he wanted to switch...nothing. Someone must have said something about his appearance because he came home one day and asked me to help him write the letter. It took 3 minutes. We are finally out of the network plan now and each of us can go to ANY dentist and get reimbursed. Is he looking for a dentist? NO. He asked me what dentist I am going to use and I didn't want to tell him. I did all kinds of research to find someone else I would be comfortable with. All I need is for him to glom onto my choice and then hate the dentist, be rude, and complain. Or worse, for him to have an argument with the dentist like H did with the last one. H claims old dentist never told him about something regarding a bridge and H wanted me to get his deposit back, no chance I would do that! More likely, H didn't listen or hear what was said. Honestly we were with that dentist for over 20 years, I'm sure H was informed. To him I am being unreasonable and mean because I am not making appointments and dragging him to the dentist I chose for myself. The consequence to me is the complaining and whining as he tries to wear me down. He has no consequence unless someone makes a comment.
Scenario 2: H hurt his knee some months ago and was limping around in a very dramatic way. He finally got a recommendation for an orthopedic doctor and asked me to go with him. It took weeks for him to make an appointment and was told to go to PT and return in a month to assess his progress. H did not bother contacting PT and postponed follow-up orthopedic doctor. H finally got PT arranged because he had trouble navigating the in-network listing and has gone 3 times in the last month and does not do the exercises. The consequence of this to H is he is still in pain and the consequence to me is I have to listen to the Oscar worthy display of discomfort and pain. It is so annoying and I am unsympathetic. If I mention PT or the exercises he gives me the death stare.
As many others on this forum have done I too have stepped in to alleviate the complaining and whining just to have peace. Now, as I have taken a back seat and let H take over his own health care there is less peace than before. I do not know what the right answer is. I guess there is just no peace no matter what action plan I choose, and that makes me sad.