As J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, has said, "The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it."
This is on my mind today....or something like it. I don't recognize the person I have become. I didn't see my life turning out this way. What could I have done differently 40 years ago, 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, yesterday that would have made my path different?
It boils down to something inside of me. I don't have it figured out yet, but it has to do with my father, religion, my inability to stand up for myself, my learned behavior of obediences, my lack of permission to have my own voice.
I am trying to sort out why I continued to live my life for so long so subservient that I did not live my life. I permitted myself to be come a non-person in the name of "family love and sacrifice". Not a great example for my children.
Today I am taking total responsibility for my life. This is, I am told, maturity.
I accept that I have not been a soldier, a leader or a hero....I have been a servant, a follower and a peon (pee-on).
Where to go from here? I am getting old. I just want to give a good look at what has happened to me and relate so others do not find themselves nearing 70 and realize that they have swallowed a bunch of rhetoric (ethics/beliefs/conventionalities/standards) that made them sad and regretful.
I write this for younger people on their life paths to be faithful to themselves and their future selves and their children's selves.
Be true to your self. Find courage to speak from your heart even when the words are not popular.
I feel like a hypocrite writing these "wisdoms" and not being able to act on them myself. But that is my regret. That I did not give myself the permissions to live and speak my own truths.
Brava!
Submitted by barneyarff on
Brava!
I'm with you. The culture made being free an uphill battle. I blame misogamy, religion, our patriarchal culture, etc.
While raising the children I worked damned harm to bust through those chains (for them)
But for me, not as much.
I also think this culture enhanced my husband's ability to be ADD and get away with it. It was the woman's duty to take care of the kids and the house take care of all the emotional stuff (it's now called "mental load"). He was to make the money and mow the yard and go to the kid's softball games and concerts. That would have been OK except he didn't make as much as was needed to stay in our level of status (another terrible part of our culture) and I was too old to be able to take care of three ADDers.
But being a Crone can be really powerful. I come from very strong women, especially as they got older. I encourage you to own your Crone self and kick some booty.
Jenna & barneyarff....
Submitted by c ur self on
The things that goes on in the name of religion, isn't God's will for marriages by a long shot much of the time....The things that God has declared for Husband's and Wives (our defined roles) are fixed, and have been fixed since the garden....And will stay fixed no matter if we (humans) exist or not....
The reality of God's call on husbands starts w/ headship, which equals responsibility to meet the needs of his family, and to love his wife like he loves his own flesh (just for starters) Wives who have experienced this kind of Love have no problem with the true role God has placed her in....She cherishes it....Women who have been wrongly treated, in the name of religion must not buy into the lie...Because God is no respect of person....His love is not based on the skewed mind of man....
c
The virtuous woman
Submitted by jennalemone on
c, you have become a somewhat spiritual counselor for me here.
If you know this passage, you know the chapters in Proverbs about how the Bible tells us to be wives. I have read this chapter hundreds of times over all these years looking for guidance (and ruling) on how to "be" married, loving and giving.
But two verses have not come to be in my case...the following. "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. .... Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come."
I have had patience and I worked hard (too hard) and I am not feeling strong or honored at the end.
Where in the Bible does it give women guidance on how to lay down relationship/family laws and hold strong in the face of privileged lawmakers, those overpowering us and those in control of our financial and mental well-being? I am sort of answering my own questions mentally, but I cannot think about this anymore right now. I must let this all go for a while.
We just can't mix Law and Grace dear Jenna....
Submitted by c ur self on
My feelings Jenna....
God is Sovereign...He has given us examples of how he set Kings up, and takes them down...The old testament is full of examples....(If you don't feel at home in this world...It's because you were obviously created for a different one....paraphrase from C.S. Lewis)
Jesus got on the the pharisee's about their attempts at religion (self righteousness is usually the product)....The fleshly man's mind will always build a hierarchy w/o the spirit controlling it...And people will always suffer wrongly for it....
God has a wonderful plan for his creation...But as you know it's by faith!....If c ur self ventures into his own mind to experience the works of the Father, I will always come away confused...But, if by faith I lay down my life in order to experience true life...(God's righteousness in, by and through the Christ) then I can experience the wonders of the fruit of his life....(Love, Joy, Peace, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, kindness, Patients and Self Control....Paul tells the Romans this in Chapter 8...In order for me to find the path, I must have a renewed mind...A spiritual mind....
Look around Sister....There is so much confusion....It's because we want the Good things that come from God, But, we want it our way...Three of the 4 gospels (has this same verse) warns us about this..."Who so ever shall save his life, will lose it, but who ever loses his life for my sake, shall find it." ....Sadly when the pressure of life comes upon C Ur Self, I end up attempting to save my life (may faith fails) but, God in his mercy, and by the Grace poured out on me through Jesus...He picks me up and puts me back on the path...
You and I should never fret or worry...Only trust and believe....Because our heavenly Father loves us with the full force of his love...He is Holy, and he has called his children to live Holy in this present life...And that can only happen because of the cross....Jesus in us, the hope of glory....
You and I can't make our spouses believe and pursue life in the Father...But, our spouses and their choices and behaviors can never separate us from his love and his presents in our lives..Nothing can;)....Proverbs 31 Jesus makes you a virtuous women....
I don't desire to be anyone's spiritual counselor....But, I do love to share what he is saving me from each day...My own stinking thinking :)...We are human beings, and humans can get distracted from his presents, and our eyes can easily turn onto the problems of this life....I realized long ago, that I wasn't doing myself any favors (spiritually and emotionally) by following the politics of this life...I have better days, when I just count my blessings, and never allow myself to not be thankful....Just be aware of his presents....And when I get all worked up about something, or someone;), just bow my head and repent....It happens...we are human....
Blessings
c
Jenna and c ur you might
Submitted by Libby on
Jenna and c ur you might appreciate listening to Patrick Doyle. He is on U tube and has a Christian perspective to challenging relationships and more. He is excellent!
Thank you so much for this tip Libby...
Submitted by c ur self on
I just listened to a 36 minute session on "Denial"...It was wonderful...It really identified many of the mistakes I've made in the past trying to bring light to my wife's denial...And I agree w/you...He is excellent!....After hearing him, I would recommend him to anyone in a difficult marriage...Christian or Non-Christian....There is so much wisdom and incite to be gained....I look forward to hearing more from him...
Here is a song that really blesses me...I hope the words bless you also..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhasSpSBdEE&list=RDBhasSpSBdEE
Thanks
c
Jenna
Submitted by Brindle on
I’m no Bible scholar, so take this or leave it.
I always thought that the picture preachers gave of what a woman should be like was different than what the stories showed. Like that woman Abigail. That story calls her husband an actual fool. He almost got everyone killed because he was so unreasonable. So she intervened, and she intervened in such a way that David said she kept him from also making a huge mistake. And then when she told her husband how she saved everyone, he appears to have taken it rather badly and suffered a heart attack. Or maybe a stroke?
If those stories are read through the lens of looking for how the women handled difficult people, well, it is eye opening. Sometimes the details are abbreviated, but people are still people, and even if our social customs are very different, feelings are remarkably the same.
And also - that part about her husband being known in the gates? I think that sounds like he’s known at least in part because she has such a good reputation. He’s getting the gift of being her husband. Because she is well-developed. She is mature in so many ways.
I guess that’s best any of us can do. I wish our husbands had worked to be that.
This is great stuff, Jenna.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Jenna,
First, may I say, and I do not say this often about ANYBODY, what a gifted writer you are? Were you an English teacher or professor?
Secondly, my dad set a great example for me, in that you are never too old to change. When one considers he is on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, that is something. Flexibility of mind is not a trait noted among people with his type of brain. He also has been in AA for decades, and continues to evolve and amaze me. This is his GREATEST gift to me; he imparted a love of learning with a yearning for forward momentum and change.
You really are owning it, Jenna. I see a change in your tone from older posts. You are talking about how YOUR past informed, and continues to inform, YOUR choices. It still sounds like you are struggling for a locus of control. When I get overwhelmed, I struggle to see my available, present choices. Perhaps you are the same? May I recommend The Happiness Advantage, by Shawn Achor? It's a great read, science-based, and is helping me identify what I've done right, why it's worked, and what needs some tweaking. You are looking backward with regret, but how many people march forward without figuring out where they erred? I BELIEVE you have the power to make a small change, TODAY, that will give you back the reins. If I, with all of my executive functioning deficits, can continue to eat well, day after day, meditate, day after day, educate myself on my issues, read books, and humbly ask for help to change, I KNOW that you are NOT a lost cause. Peace, Jenna. You're a smart lady. You can do this.