Hi Everyone,
I'm back with a real issue that I just don'y know what to do about. Even though I'm not in a relationship with anyone at the time nor am I looking for one...I still regard my family as a relationship and I've been carrying this around for too long now and need to let it go.
Recently....I was in a real jam and it was totally ADHF related. I take full responsibility for missing an automatic withdrawal in my bank account and found myself out of town with no money to get me home. I was really desperate and in a real situation so as my very last resort...I called my sister for help!!
Well...from memory...this is what she said.....
"(We) don't have that kind of relationship.....( you) are no different than you ever were. People don't change and you are like one of ( those ) poeple!!
I'm trying to be considerate but NO....I'm not going to help you."
Those poeple? Who are ( those ) poeple I wanted to ask?
This was the straw that broke the camels back and broke my heart for the very last time. My Nephew ( her son who I Live very much ) just got married but I called my brother in law and lied and made an excuse saying I was sick and didn't want anyone to catch my illness and ruin everyone' else's time.
The fact of the matter is....it didn't matter if I was there or not. I'm one of ( those poeple ) and I cannot get that out of my head.
That may have been the worst betrayal I have ever experienced in my life. It certainly told me what is most important.
I would have given the shirt off my back to a total stranger which as it turned out...the kindness of a stranger is what got me put of my jam.
It was the stark reality that I am truly all alone. No family, no relationship...I am completely and totally alone.
Except for GOD. In him...I am never truly alone.
Those poeple eh? I think my sister is a Narcissist too. Sad but true but conditional Love is the way my family works. As much as it breaks my heart to disengage...I feel I have to for my own well being.
Thanks for listening. I needed someone to tell this too and the poeple here have been so kind ...it was the first place I came.
FYI: I'm off my meds, stopped smoking, and am working on celibacy as my way of moving forward. No interest in any female relationships...I will make it alone and am determined to grow and advance in every regard.
I'm in the process of selling my home and most every possession I have. Cold Turkey...I making myself a free man.
J
Too much at once
Submitted by jennalemone on
"I'm off my meds, stopped smoking, and am working on celibacy."
Stopping smoking alone was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I literally, physically hurt my jaw by chewing gum so hard for so long during quitting smoking that my jaw was out of joint for a while afterwards. It seems to me you are trying to do too many "good" but stressful things all at once. That is too much stress all at once. I believe you would better serve your self by doing each of those things for/to yourself one at a time.
I have no words responding to your sister's actions and words except to say that many people have family members who trigger each other and family members can be unbelievably thoughtless and some let us down over and over again.
kellyj, if someone said that
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
kellyj, if someone said that to me, I would be heartbroken and livid. I'm sorry your sister was cruel to you.
I think your sisters actions
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I think your sisters actions say more about her than about you. It sounds like she’s guarded. If I remember correctly, you both grew up in a difficult family home environment. She probably developed different coping mechanisms than you. I know it sounds cliche, but try not to take it personally. It’s impossible to know what her motivations were. There’s a good chance that her motivations for reacting the way she did were totally unrelated to you.
I know first hand how devastating it is to be rejected by family. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
That is painful friend...
Submitted by c ur self on
I love what you are doing...I'm proud of you, this is a great post...We can pray for your sister, we all need prayer...We all have our own battles, it sounds like she is struggling....
My Step Son and his wife have been working on a Tiny House for several months...(paying as they go)...They are close to completion...and are fixing to let there apartment lease go....I think they will enjoy it for a while...No kids, just one great dog that minds real well....
Being debt free is a great feeling....
c
It sounds like you are trying
Submitted by barneyarff on
It sounds like you are trying to "cure" several situations at once, ie not smoking, off meds, etc.
Would you consider just tackling one situation at a time? Doing it all at once sounds very ADD and is likely to fail unless you are in a place that is taking care of your day to day needs.
As for your sister...... Well, relationships are like bank accounts in a way. How many times have you taken out of the relationship account without putting anything back in? Has she had to bail you out before?
Case in point- my husband, from whom I've been separated for over a month, called me to ask me to pick him up at the mechanic's shop because his car was there for repair. I reluctantly said yes and threw my dog in the car because we would be going to the dog park afterwards and drove clear across town to get him. I parked out front where he could see me and waited....for 10 minutes.... I texted him and waited 5 more minutes, texted again and waited.... no reply. I didn't want to leave the car because it was hot and my dog was with me. So after 15 minutes I left. WELL! on the way to the dog park I got a phone call from him with all the reasons he didn't see me. He managed to get a ride from someone else. Now, the moral here is there have been 11 billion times I've had to pick him up or drop him off for something and I've been left waiting. Since he won't answer his phone or a text I would have to get out of the car and go into wherever he was and tell him I was here. It would annoy me and then the excuses would come. This time I didn't wait because I'm just over it...the relationship account was bankrupt in my opinion.
So, my question to you is how many times has your sister had to "bail you out" one way or another. I bet this wasn't just some rare occasion.
And the reason the stranger helped you (probably) is because you don't have a history of drama with them.
Now, if you went to the same stranger the next day asking for similar help I bet the stranger would be much more reluctant to help, because now we are establishing a pattern of helplessness.
Don't beat yourself up over this. Just look at your relationship bank account as see if it's overdrawn. It's easy to start throwing down the helpless card and demanding help instead of planning ahead. Oh and BTW.... Never ever get that low on funds. Always keep some cash in your car or in a hidden place in your wallet.
barneyarff....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have a brother I love, but, I have cut off communication and blocked his number....When someone in our life (spouse, family member, friend) only contacts us, are seeks interaction when they need to use us...That isn't a healthy relationship...It's the victim thing...They Always have a reason (excuse) and some how never seem to get to a place in life where they are able to trade there excuses for self-awareness...And this victim mind never allows them to put their selves in other people's shoes....
All I was for my brother was a crutch, and enabler....I'm going to let him be a man...
If he ever calls one of my children or son-in-laws and say's "you know" I've been thinking, and no wonder my brothers and child want have anything to do with...All I ever contacted them for was to use them for what I could get them to do for me, to cover for my irresponsible life style. Please tell him I'm so sorry and that I love him...At that point I will unblock his number and go visit him....
c
Thank You All For Responding!
Submitted by kellyj on
On the first topic of trying to do too much....I think y'all are right and ( as usual ) I tend to bite off more than I can chew. Nothing new there but they are all on my list. I've been overwhelmed for a while which in part...had ti do with me stopping my meds. I've been on them for over 10 years without a break...and I was getting that funny feeling like...they've served there purpose?
Plus....being tied to doctors and appointments, and getting scripts filled....always tied you down and having to make sure you don't go without really is like a drug addiction in that respect but not for any other reason. I've been off of them for a month and that really wasn't a big deal. The bigger deal is now learning to use what I learned without the and seeing how well I do? Not bad all things considered but I really have to work hard emotionally speaking to maintain the same "level". It's not anything like it was before I started them so that part is all good.
I read a recent talk by Dr Russel Barkley where he said at least....Nicotine actually helps with ADHD and they are looking for ways to utilize it for an ADHD nedication?? I went....ah ha!! No wonder???
So the Nicotene appears to fill in a little where the meds leave off? Makes it even harder to kick the habit??
The part about my sister tho....that has deep roots in our family. Being the youngest by 8 years doesn't help but that just part of it. Being the identified patient or scapegoat of the family is more where this really hits home.
And no....heaven forbid!!! EVER asking for help or calling on them to bail me out. Like Never ...with few exceptions would I ever go to them for help.
Mistakes are not allowed in my family. A hit of perfectionism gone bad I think. In my life...I have only asked for help either financially or otherwise and that is not allowed! As my therapists always use to remind me...the unspoken rules: Every man woman and child first themselves! No such thing as one for all...all fir one in my family. That goes against the rules.
I know this already...but it still hurts. Especially when the chips are down and you really need them...its no different than before. Mistakes are not allowed...mistakes mean, it's your fault and you deserve what you get.
That's the attitude...but I thought it night gave changed? Getting hit in the face with it again...was only a painful reminder if the unspoken rules of my family. Rules that I basically disowned myself long long ago.
I can change them...denial is strong in my family and there is no getting around it. My mom had ADHD and I believe both my sisters do to a certain degree.
The problem there is....as soon as I told them I had it....everyone shut up and turned away. No one wants to look at the elephant in the room...its easier to see what's wrong with one person than seeing what the NRA problem is?
The meta problem is ADHD...and they don't want to know, look at it...it even I quite. Never asked or inquired about it ever. That topic is completely off the table. Another example of "mistakes" means .." somethings wrong"..
I've said this before many times but the way my family deals with problems is to wrap it in a pretty package with a bow on it and call it "good". Mistakes are "bad"...which means so are you?
Nothing new....but it still hurts.
Thank you for responding and giving me some feedback...it really does help and it helps to get that off my chest.
Thank you!!
J
Little House Concept
Submitted by kellyj on
I just wanted to say...that this idea I've been toying with for a long time. I do have a long range plan to live cheaply and affordably and to travel light.
I never have problems camping and traveling light and trying to keep track of things. I do this very well in fact...its simplicity is what I did best with. No surprise having ADHD but I don't want to isolate myself out in the woods! Been there...done that!! Way too many times to count. Too much hard work and isolation for me! No fantasies of living off the land in paradise alone!! No lesions there...I'm looking for a community to do it in with poeple!! Lol
Another "crazy idea" by mr "Peter Pan syndrome" from my family. That's what they think...that's all they can see and that's not what I'm doing or what the problem is there. I've discovered a whole works of poeple doing that...and I never saw the "Peter Pan Syndrone" in any that I've talked to or read about?
Go figure? I think it's a sustainable way to live for me...and manage quite well. It suits me...is what I'm saying.
All good there....working on it with a vengence!! Lol
J
I could do that also J
Submitted by c ur self on
I could easily be a minimalist or something very close to it....Especially after what I have witnessed and been forced to live with the past 10 years....My brother rented this big open top dumpster for 300.00 for the old wood and shingles when he re-roofed Dad's house....Nothing would give me more satisfaction then spending a few days filling one up!.....Best 3 hundred I could spend....
But, I am like you, I would love the freedom away from STUFF (C class or Tiny house)...But I want the fellowship of others also...And I am going to be hunting my children and grand children pretty often....My daughter say's she hears...Mom? Where my POP at? Mom where my POP at?.....From my almost 3 year old grandson...When she tells me that, I usually head that way....LOL...
c
C After Thinking This Over ....
Submitted by kellyj on
....I realize once again why I'm feeling this way. I think this really has more to do with how we were all raised and there has always been a focus on money especially from my father.
I hadn't really thought of this for a while since I've long since tried to forget it...but my father was really down on Artists or anyone who worked with their hands. He made me promise ( on his death bed ) that I would not do what I was doing and become a "Blue Collar Worker".
This is a class distinction problem so my sisters comments were based on that lesson that was made very clear.
"Those Poeple" is referring to that. I know this well since my father ( just realizing ) never complimented me or acknowledged my GOD given talents. Literally...what is inherent and given to me from GOD??
I recently posted a quote on Facebook that I had never seen before by good old Albert Einstein again..
" Everyone is a Genius...but if you judge a fish by how well he can climb a tree...he will give through life believing he is stupid"
That would be me all over the place but it is due to this one undeniable fact.
In our house or family..."class distinction" and prejudice was unfortunately taught as a means to either manipulate or shame you into doing what he wanted.
I was born with a gift..and there is nothing I can do to change that. It literally is what I was made to do..and every time I tried ( many many times ) to be different...I failed miserably.
Yet...the fact that I won every Art Contest, got picked out to demonstrate by teachers and was awarded every grade, trophy, or award you can name in Art, Photography, Painting, Sketching. Pottery, Sculpture, Building, Design, Music etc etc etc....seemed to go completely un-noticed by my family except my mother. She recognized this early as ALL my teachers would comment and send home gold stars on my work.
It stood out so obviously to everyone else....but as my father use to say...
"Artists are a dime a dozen...they're all dead bears and losers"
Well...my dad was a Philistine...what else can I say! Lol
And being that my sisters were both "highly obedient" they never question anything and always di what they are told.
My attitude was and still is..." Question everything...and believe nothing"
I was born that way...its just who I am?
This is why this type of lifestyle choice would give against everything " they were taught". As I said before ..I split the program early...I've always tried my best to think for myself and not simply "obey" cuz that's what I was told to do.
My sisters are living that life exactly as they were told. I simply chose to gi with my strengths and talents...instead of listening to my father.
Consider the source I always say. Apparenty... this was and always has been the problem ...what I do...us not on the acceptable list.
"Those poeple"...is code for " dead beat"...according to the powers that be.
The only problem with that thinking is..my sister is still answering to my father and she diesn't even realize it?
That is more a personal problem of hers...but it simply isn't mine???
Oh well...back to the drawing board!! Lol
Pun intended. Lol
J
I agree with your thoughts J
Submitted by c ur self on
Prejudices die hard...People press/promote what they know and have faith in....It's done with good intentions for the most part...But it happens because of fear of the unknown (ignorance)...If everyone had a clear picture and complete knowledge of all things (truths and reality) related to life, then we would be like God....
The serpent tried to sell this to Adam and Eve...And they believed him...All they got for their disobedience was lost innocence, kicked out of the Garden, and two curses each....Of course that hasn't stopped mankind from thinking we are god's.....(More blindness)....Enjoy your gifts my dear friend!
c