H is “going to get evaluated for ADHD” but I won’t hold my breath while waiting. And I expect him to pop a pill but nothing else. He refuses to take responsibility for so many things and has from the start of our marriage, so I think it would be foolish to get my hopes up that he will do any real work on behaviors.
That leaves me feeling a lot of regret. Regret that I didn’t know what it would be like before we married. Regret that I didn’t know about ADHD. Regret that I didn’t see those hints as icebergs whose tops are all I can see. Regret that I gave him so much benefit of the doubt. Regret that I thought the charming, loving, attentive, hyper focus guy was who he really was.
I have been angry for years. Discouraged for years. Lonely and neglected for years. I need to lay my anger down and my regret down. I need to practice some detachment and just find... peace.
Anger I can lay down moment by moment. It is hard but I can do it, and I have done it over and over, and I will have to keep having to do it. I can learn to put up boundaries to help alleviate some of the anger and frustration. But how do I get past the grief? The regret?
Based on this post and others
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Based on this post and others, I feel we are at similar points in our journeys. My H got evaluated, got prescribed Adderal and would not take it because he did not like the idea of putting a non-necessary med into his system. He used up the first prescription every now and then on days when he wanted to stay up late vs. using the med properly and for "me" as was supposed to be the reason for getting help. I hope your experience is better.
The truth is he is not motivated to change. His behaviors don't bother him. They bother me and our daughter. Well, I shouldn't say they don't bother him... a life in constant chaos has understandably become his normal. He doesn't know another way to be.
That said, he is genuinely shocked when I express that I don't feel loved, I do feel deeply lonely, am exhausted by my disproportionate amount of work and house upkeep and childcare, etc., etc. He literally can't see it and feels he is a good man doing a good job because he cuts the grass and shows up for dinner. We have talked about ADHD's impact on a marriage several times. He has read Melissa's article, "For Men with ADHD who Aren't Convinced it Matters." He can't see it. He just can't see it. I just don't know that he has the capability/empathy to put himself in my shoes. Or else he is just that unwilling to look at himself honestly.
I know we would both be better off single. He doesn't agree, but he really just wants to live his life his way. I feel once we finally separate, he and I will both be relieved/happier. I want happiness for both of us.
He is a good hearted person, but that is not enough for me anymore. I have had to detach. It SUCKS. I want so badly to connect with the person I married in a meaningful way and I can't because of the ADHD symptoms. I am getting good at detachment, having done it more and more over the years. Conversation to a minimum. Boundaries galore. But it all hurts so much because I don't want this... I want a real partnership. Like you, I missed the signs. Only the tiniest indicators (I wouldn't have known to look for) were there.
Your question, "How do I get past the grief? The regret?" This, I wish I had an answer for. I guess we have to forgive ourselves for the choices we made. For how long we went along. Forge ahead with a trueness to ourselves we should have had back when we didn't know everything we know now. I hope one day it will make sense. Maybe I will find a new (healthy) relationship or satisfaction with singlehood that I wouldn't have found without this part of the journey. That's all I can tell myself. I am where I am and all I can do is make better decisions from here.
1Melody1
Submitted by Brindle on
Thank you. So much of what you say resonates.
Man, I’m really sorry he misused his meds that way. Wow. Leaves you shaking your head in sadness and disappointment and... what a total letdown. How very selfish No way to spin that one Just selfish.
I’ve been thinking about the forgiving myself part. I forgive myself for not realizing what I was looking at. For how could I possibly even know? I was naive and young, and I didn’t know enough. That’s not my fault. And how can I turn it to a positive? Teach my kids to pay wiser attention to the character of those you call friends and romantic partners. Listen to stories of their pasts. Don’t brush faults aside as just having a bad day or as immaturity that will resolve itself. Be thinking and be aware.
I also will not regret giving him more love and attention when what he really needed were boundaries. I was following the advice of others who didn’t know any better, either. Love is never wasted, because even if it was a “fault” or “wrong” to be kinder in the face of him simply not seeing me anymore, then I can think of worse things to be.
And the rest of your last paragraph — I really see the good in those thoughts. Thank you.
ADHD Support Hamster Wheel
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'But how do I get past the grief? The regret?'
How do you reconcile 'pissing away' decades of your life on the 'ADHD Support Hamster Wheel'? I am in the same boat kicking myself ('What a chump!') while my ADHD spouse refuses to accept ADHD had any impact on our 25 years of shambling chaos. Somehow the patron saint of non-ADHD spouses, Sisyphus, encourages us to 'roll that ADHD crisis intervention' boulder up the hill 'one more time' when we all know the result will not change. With 'boundaries' we're encouraged to stay at the top of the hill and let our AHDH spouse 'be responsible' for the boulder (except due to ADHD they don't even see the boulder) and ignore the ADHDer's admonition: 'Why are you always so dusty?' Sigh.
Brava! Well put. I make
Submitted by barneyarff on
Brava! Well put. I make have to have that tattooed on my forehead.
Especially the blame given to us nons by experts because we aren't compassionate enough.
Grief, regret, and now shame
Submitted by jennalemone on
I don't know why but it does help me to hear other's plight of the realities of our shared situations. Maybe it is because sometimes I try to take the blame. Sometimes I doubt my own judgment. Sometimes I am confused. When others write words and feelings and events that are just like mine, it validates me. It does help to know others see and experience similar things. That I am not bad or lazy or crazy or selfish.
A new emotion has begun to stick itself to me that I did not have when I was younger, when I was still trying hard, when I still had faith that all would one day be OK. I feel general shame for the first time in my life when I realize and accept that I made the decisions over and over again to do nothing but "take it" and try to make it better by working and praying. I feel shame about how I lived my life so unaware, so dutifully (I thought - ie: Proverbs Virtuous Women), so meek and supportive of some things I did not agree with. I did not fight enough. Yet, we know fighting does not help in our situations. I have always been against fighting...not understanding why people fight. But now I am understanding the consequences of not standing your own ground (and that means fighting in some way). I judge my own life as living meek and dutiful and not brave and adventurous. I will get over it, but if there are any here who need to hear the words about why you need to fight....here it is. Sometimes a person (even women and girls) need to fight so that they are not ashamed of themselves...so that they can live with themselves.
In some cases pride it not a bad thing. In some cases, a person needs to be free of the demon of shame. Pride and dignity ARE important and worth it and they demand that sometimes you must stand firm (fight rather than give).
True about standing up for yourself
Submitted by adhd32 on
I'm a woman who developed excellent negotiating skills in a male dominated field and I can tell you that fighting is not necessary to attain a mutually acceptable conclusion to an issue.
Being submissive may not be the best tact with an ADD spouse but we all do what we have to in order to get through the day,. Please don't beat yourself up.
Negotiating and sparring and manipulation
Submitted by jennalemone on
Yes. I am sure you are right about negotiating in a man's world. Being submissive (as I was taught to be) does not work most of the time. It is my challenge to view strong negotiating not as an aggressive act. AND ALSO when negotiating with H, he takes any resistance or negotiating from me as offense very quickly and attacks when he feels threatened. It is my challenge to not take his attacks personally and come prepared with my big girl pants on and with my own calm stance with structured verbal skills when speaking to him rather than being open and vulnerable. I never thought respect was a reason to fight. But if I can change my own thinking into negotiating for self respect and survival, I can do that. I just didn't WANT to have to push, pull and manipulate (negotiate my way through difficult interactions) like I know I have to if I plan to stay with H. For my life and my family life, I must become someone I am not. I must become someone strong and get my own needs met. This is not love. This is offense/defense. I don't like it but I don't see a way to function with H if I insist on being sweet and supportive. My option is to live an independent life and curb conversations with H and not include him in my life the way I would like to. I am now accepting that this is the way H wanted it from the start. 2 people independent from each other, both doing their own things in their own way, getting from each other what they need by coersion and verbal sparring. Then when the negotiating is over, do I want to be intimate with this man who has called me names and tries to "win" his way against mine and does his own thing even after agreeing after negotiations? Negotiation takes 2 willing people. Trust takes 2 truthful people.
non-immediate-complete-agreement as a perceived attack
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
My ADHD wife often also takes any non-immediate-complete-agreement as a perceived attack and the conversation quickly mutates into an emotional storm. Now that I know something more about ADHD I see her responses as a symptom of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). She refuses to even consider ADHD is an underlying cause of our 'communication issues'.
Jenna
Submitted by SweetandSour on
I'm really sorry for what you've had to deal with and I feel like I can relate to so much of it, as well as to most of what has been being discussed by everyone in the past month or so. Lots of feeling like we're at dead-ends. Kudos to C Ur Self who has committed to making things work the best they can, but even he expresses how difficult it is to stay the course. Have you thought about actually just leaving your husband? Do you think you could ever do that? I'm just wondering since it sounds like you're getting a really bad deal with him.
Brindle...
Submitted by c ur self on
There are a few things that are holding us back and have held us back for years....Adhdmomof2 reaffirmed this for me....(she has many characteristics that my wife has...But she has one golden nugget my wife doesn't..awareness and the ability to discuss it...)
We have got to STOP starting conversations where the end results matter (someone thinks they must win) more than kindness....We have to end defensive posturing!....We have to learn respect, and acceptance for our differences....
We must take **OWNERSHIP** and be **HONEST** no matter how difficult it is to swallow our own realities, and our spouses....When we do this all the other dysfuntional things like assumations and judgement will start disappearing.....That nasty stuff only surfaces when emotions are high because of defensiveness...(wanting to win, competing)....
Both partners just has to HATE non-peaceful situations, enough to humble ourselves and do the work....
c
Book recommendation
Submitted by Stef G on
Suggest you read "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend. An excellent book from a Christian perspective.
Scared and Sad
Submitted by Here2learn on
I can identify with everything you said. Wish I knew how things turned out for you 5 years later.
Nearly 10 years into a relationship and just finding out adhd could be a reason we had so many issues. Trying to decide if I should stay or go. It doesn't seem like the person I fell in love with is coming back and I've been working so hard all these years keeping everything together. Not sure I have it in me to work through adhd with him IF he takes the action needed. I don't want to abandon him if he needs me, but does that mean I have ti sacrifice my happiness?
Reply to Here2learn
Submitted by brindle2 on
You asked how things have turned out 5 years later.
Before I get into that, let me say that I was the original poster (old account Brindle, now brindle2). And I also want to, from my heart, tell you that you are not alone here. Come back and process things as much (or as little) as you need to. This place has certainly made me feel sane when I just couldn't take it anymore.
Now, how am I, 5 years later? I'm assuming you mean in regards to the regret? I no longer feel the regret so acutely. I still know that I wouldn't be with him, if I could do it over again while knowing what I know now. But the strength of the emotion of regret had faded. It is more of a fact now, rather than pangs. Some of that is time passing, and some of that is the fact that I have worked to grieve many things. If I have learned anything, it is that these emotions must be dealt with, and that would be my advice to you, whether you stay or go. My view is that we must purposefully choose to deal with our emotions and thoughts so that our lives don't become centered around our heartache. I want my life to be far more than how terribly my marriage is going. I want me, my own self, my heart, and my personality, to be about other things, rather than turn into some gargoyle, a testament to something painful, whether that is my marriage or something else.