Spouse of ADHD partner, looking for community in navigating this. Help!
Husband formally diagnosed 3 years ago, medicated, but no therapy/counseling, sadly I may likely know way more about ADHD and its effects at this point, as I've read a ton, and actually been going to a counselor who specializes in ADHD to help me understand what I'm dealing with, and validate that its not just me losing my mind!
Can I ask, how do non-ADHD partners cope with a partner who has seemingly no self awareness of the effects and repercussions of their behaviours, and justifies all actions or lack of with 'its just the way I feel'. Who has extremely low frustration tolerance himself with everyone else, me, kids, person in front of him in a line, co-workers, other car drivers, you name it, highly critical of everybody...but is immediately highly sensitive to any hint of criticism or culpability to himself? As hard as I try to be understanding of the effects of ADHD, right now I'm having to do all the accommodating, and after the initial joy of 'oh, that's whats happening here!' maybe there is a way though this that's not divorce, once I had a better understanding, now comes the depression of knowing the cause, doesn't stop all the miserable behaviour. He hasn't told a single friend that he has ADHD, which means I have no understanding there, and its not my place to tell his friends. Despite the fact he does feel its ok to to impart sensitive information about me, or talk over me, or contradict me when I'm talking to someone. His self image is that he is just a simple lovely person, just doing his best in the world, and he has a wife who misunderstands him, and nags him. He passivley agressively dictates our lives by stonewalling,
And yes, he was married before, his first wife left him after a year, and I think she was the wise one...apparently she complained of the same things, that I struggle with he informs me abstractly...
I wonder when does long-suffering become mere foolishness? ( I'm sure he feels he is long suffering, in fact I know it), I've been in this for over 10 years, and I feel its taken the best of me, and I'd like to find the easy going, creative, optimistic individual my friends remember me for, buried under the worry and stress, and sadness. Am I still there?
The response to the suggestion that ADHD may be having an effect on our marriage, was 'why would it?'
I feel that being in this relationship is making me emotionally sick, and I have too important a job to do as a mom, but how long can you go on with no change, no traction? I feel so very alone in this... If I try to talk to close friends I get the immediate response of 'oh I think my partner has ADHD!' which is totally unhelpful, and no, just because he loses his car keys once in a while is really not the same. And I don't want to be disloyal and give too many details, so I guess it comes across that he's an affable goof to outsiders, but sorry not really, they don't get to see the really unpleasant behaviour, as he's all smiles and engagement when we have friends over, and then back to distant once they've left. It feels like the worst kind of emotional cruelty, I'll look like I care about you when people are around, but you won't register on my radar once they've gone...Is there really a gene that makes you behave such a way?!
Feeling desperate, and very alone.
I have the opposite problem
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
"I'll look like I care about you when people are around, but you won't register on my radar once they've gone...Is there really a gene that makes you behave such a way?!"
I often become invisible to my wife when other people are around. She is not as familiar with them as with me, so they are shiny objects and I am the tarnished penny that she does not notice. Or she will humiliate me in front of other people--blurting out embarrassing information (what medication I take!) or putting me down--and repeating it several times.
Her response to me reacting to mean things she says used to be "Oh, you know I don't think before I say things" or "you know I don't say what I mean." This was followed by "that's just the way I am." I have at least gotten her to stop using that excuse and to start taking some responsibility for hurting my feelings.
There is an art to living peacefully with them.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I don't want to be disloyal and give too many details)
I don't want the details..."I know them"....I've been married to his twin sister for over 10 years...I know exactly how he wants to be perceived, I know how he engages w/ others....Then your needs (his responsibilities) as a husband means nothing, I know the victim type complaining (self pity, woe is me, I must have a pat on the back for just doing what I should be everyday) attitude you deal w/ even if you can get him to step up at times....I know how you live abandoned even in is presents....I could go on.....
If you want I can share some of the things that work for me?.....I have many boundaries in place....
c
Hugs
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi At Sea. First of all, I wish I could just give you a big hug. It brought tears to my eyes when I read your words, "Am I still there?" I feel the same way. In my couple of months on these forums I can say that you've found a great spot to vent, pick brains of other nons and ADHD partners and get support. My family and friends (the few that even know about the ADHD) don't understand either and that makes a lonely marriage even lonelier, I know. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am right there with you. Your husband is one step ahead of mine. Mine refuses meds and any treatment completely.
But like yours, he doesn't think he has a problem and can not at all see the link between his behaviors, my reactions and our relationship issues. He thinks he pretty great and thinks I am the miserable one with misguided expectations and too many emotions. Honestly, I have not found a way to show him how ADHD symptoms impact him and our family life. I have tried. I had him read a great article by Melissa. It didn't work for me, but maybe it would for you: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/men-adhd-who-arent-convinced-it-matters.
I can tell you I have tried to become less accountable for his problems. It has helped a little bit as far as lowering my daily stress level. (E.G. I won't do his laundry anymore... I pick up the clothes he leaves everywhere and anywhere and throw them in "his" room. I refuse to help him find his keys/glasses/phone/wallet as he rampages daily to find these lost items, blaming everyone in his path. Etc, etc.) Our house is mess because everything gets taken out, but nothing gets put away unless I do it so I have hired cleaners. That has really worked for us. My husband will actually deal with the clutter every two weeks so the cleaners can clean. It has improved my life immeasurably. But these are coping mechanisms. There is no relationship there. So maybe someone with more patience, like curself, will have some ideas about making the love part work. I have checked out and am just trying to get by for my daughter. But it took me years and years to come to this sad place and I certainly strived for the happy marriage I had at the start for a very long time. Sadly for me, it is not to be.
Hugs and support.
That article!
Submitted by Dagmar on
That article is amazing. I guarantee that if your spouse reads it, there will be tears and a hug and they will tell you that they understand how you are feeling. Things will be wonderful.
One hour later it will all be forgotten, but that hour will be great. This reminds me. It's been a year or so. Time to forward that to my husband again.