Although I have had many, many miserable years with my ADHD husband ever since I married him, some things have been changing and I am thinking the situation may be getting out of control, especially on his side. This is really getting to me emotionally.
Some things have been becoming better for some time, but then there is a rollercoaster switch and he becomes more demanding, judgmental, shaming, explosive, abusive & excluding than ever though these have always been characteristics of his. The extent of his destructive behaviour is really upsetting & frightening me now. I have been feeling I almost can't cope &, in desperation, started going out to a couple of spiritual & growth type places in search of how better to deal with things. They have been like a lifeline to me, pulling me "back"; letting peace in. But my husband keeps behaving badly & it seems to be snowballing how bad he is at once with wave after wave of lies, accusations, threats & outright verbal abuse. He has always been passive aggressive but that is much worse & he is now sleeping in another room & shuts the door.
For some time, my husband has been less negative and abusive at times & has been letting me do the household shopping with him (he is the main breadwinner & controld the money) & has been more willing to spend money on me. He does tend to complain and look condemning at my choices, but I was happy I was playing a part & I tried to ignore that or to treat it lightly, glossing it over. I don't choose badly, but he has always wanted to do things his way & therefore my choices are bad. However he always used to say he never gave me housekeeping money because "You are a poor money manager", which is not true. He tends to attack my qualities in order to get his way, such as saying I am "incompetent" or "You are just like your mother" (my mother has problems) and calling me by her name.
He has never seemed to understand what a relationship is and entails and he is basically a loner. It appears that he married me for sex though he thanked me after the birth of each of our children (why?!). Ever since we married, despite several lots of counselling & my many attempts to explain (which I do much less now - no point), he seems fixed on thinking I should give him sex when he asks, and that is usually when it is inconvenient or too late at night. He also persists in asking for (I really should say demanding) sex out of the blue, in what seems to me to be an inappropriate/dysfunctional context, such as after he behaves in a way he thinks will please me or after we have been doing separate things for hours. This may sound strange but it seems he has learned not one thing about how to have a good relationship in all our many years together. Just the other day he said of himself "I don't have much to change about me". He seems to see eveything he doesn't like as my fault and how he views me makes me feel despised & reviled & like a felon who has committed some dreadful crime.
Lately, now that he was behaving more sharingly and pleasantly at times, it seems that his expectations of getting sex went up accordingly. He would blatantly ask for sex right after doing a "nice" thing for me such as coming to the chemist with me & buying me some vitamins & hair colour (he controls the bank account & there is no housekeeping money for me to use). I did not comply & did explain that I was not happy about being asked like this as it seemed he was buying sex. His reaction is to get angry & say "You never want sex". My belief is that I can seldom get him to understand anythingand that he thinks he should get what he wants and is entitled to get angry when he doesn't get it, sex or whatever.
The episodes of his behaving very angrily and revengefully are increasing and it really upsets me how he talks to me at such times. He seems so childish, dishonest, conniving, twisting, and irrational and filled with enormous hate against me. And he comes at me with a tsunami of it, wave after wave. I have to end up just keeping quiet & preferably leaving his near vicinity for a while. And, for the record, yes, I do doubt myself & my perceptions a lot. But, looking at all this objectively, I think I am seeing matters reasonably accurately though he would not agree. If he was to read this, his reaction would be to getvery angry indeed and to very much put me down. Maybe I should add I can't discuss anything with him for the same reason. It isn't even safe to hold a different opinion on something without his thinking I am putting him down for believing what I do.
What do you think about this please? And, please, I am not asking you to solve my problem. I just want help to understand what is going on.
Hi, Rose
Submitted by Flower Lady on
Wowee....your husband is a carbon copy of mine...even down to the sex bit. One Christmas he woke me up at 6am for sex. I was exhausted having three little kids up until late the night before and finishing up wrapping gifts, putting them under the tree etc etc. Didn't get to bed until 2am and he wakes me up??? I said no and wow....you'd think I just cut his arm off. He was really angry, got out of bed and promptly woke the kids up and told them "Hey! It's Christmas! Get up!!" He proceeded to make the rest of the day miserable with his sulking anger. Extremely immature behavior. I can surely understand what you're going thru there.
My husband is also passive-agressive and the money-maker. He's also just as good as yours at the mind games....making you doubt yourself and your abilities to do everything from raising your children to managing the bills. DON'T believe what your husband tells you. I did believe mine...for years...and it took me awhile to finally grow a backbone and say to myself..."Self, you know what? The hubby is full of it." No kidding. Even the strongest among us eventually come to doubt ourselves...and that's how the abuser stays in control. Don't buy into it anymore, hon. You ARE seeing things correctly. He isn't. He is exerting so much control because it's the only way he can function in his world. Your husband and mine are identical in that regard. My husband once sent back a recliner I'd bought for his birthday. We had an old, scratchy one and I thought it would be a lovely surprise. (I WAS working at the time and we could easily afford it.) So...my husband saw it with it's big, red bow and promptly called the store to send it back. Why? Because HE didn't make the decisiion to buy it. Yeah...that control thing. Devastating.
Frankly, I would go to see your counselor alone and bring up all of these issues that are frightening you, including the sex thing. Perhaps he has an addiction there, but whether or not that's true, you need some answers and some advice...especially if your husband is threatening you as you said. That's scary. Your emotional well-being is important, Rose...very important. What affects you also affects your children...especially if they are still at home. That was what pushed me into taking action....and I'm quite relieved I did.
You're not alone....:))
Thank you
Submitted by Rosem1111 on
Thank you Flower Lady. I really needed that. It helps me work on getting back off the floor.
The biggest threat is that he will divorce me. I am not young & have limited options & he controls all the money. Divorcing him would put an end to certain things I really need & value, & I am not talking about luxuries & trivial wants. There is little I can do.
With the latest developments I am shocked at how badly I am upset, not that I haven't been distressed all along. I kept waking last night & crying over how he last treated me & the distress goes deep. He was so crazy & vicious even if the insults were the usual (he jusr replays the same old horrors).
Counsellors have unfortunately just told me to leave him. That is my "cure" they say. I wish it was so easy. And it is not respectful to tell somebody what to do, even counsellors.
I have to share
Submitted by Clarity on
back when I was sure I was the problem I looked into all the self help books I could find and prayed to God for direction. I did find a church in the neighborhood that really spoke to my heart and even though I kept to myself, I learned that I was not the problem. It was a fantastic support to me and changed my life forever. We moved out of state and I really miss that church, I have not found another in this area. Like you, I have very few options and feel very stuck. It can be a very abusive situation that erodes your sense of self. This site is encouraging as you know you are not alone. It could be very helpful to you to join a church or women's group or even something like al anon which was once recommended to me. Encourage yourself somehow and find a way to satisfy your heart, I believe there is something more for you...
Yes, I agree
Submitted by Rosem1111 on
Yes, I agree with all you said.
I insisted early on in my marriage that I do things outside the home and I have always included reading self help books; ringing in the hope of good advice; doing growth producing things (including Alanon); and pursuing my own intests (such as attending places of worship & studying). I believe I would be dead at my own hand or mentally destroyed by now if I had not done this.
Lately, after my husband got seemingly more obnoxious, threatening & punitive and I felt distraught about this, I have tried attending some spiritual places I normally wouldn't attend as the place I affiliate with, though wonderful, basically left me to fend for myself. I try not to be judgmental but to also feel free to make up my own mind and I think going to these places has been helping though my going there would shock the people where I worship (so I won't tell them).
I have also done a couple of workshops that helped. One invoving sculpting was very relaxing and somewhat healing. One about anger & grief was empowering as the leader was very disturbed and I stood up to her well & assertively when she was bullying me & overcame any tendency to be affected by her bad behaviour.
I plan to do a 2 1/2 day workshop on meditation, which I know something about already, in the hope that this will help.