Hello! I just recently discovered this forum and maybe it is a way for me to get the help I am looking for and that so far I don't get.
Context: I am Mexican and my partner is from the Netherlands ... We met online 13 years ago .... we met phisically for the first time 6 years ago and since then we started online dating. He always expressed his problems and in The Netherlands he is diagnosed as schizofrenic with adhd. During his second visit to Mexico, he had some studies with the neurologist and she that conclude that he had a adhd that since childhood he didn't get the proper treatment and not schizophrenic. She also said that with the right treatment, he would be able to have a better life. That encourages us, mostly him ... When he came back, in the Netherlands didnt accept his diagnosis and keep treating him as a schizophrenic with adhd ... and not only treating him with adhd. During our visits (i only visit him 3 times during these 6 years 2 weeks long each visit and he visit me also 3 times but 6 weeks long) he didn't show any episode of distraction .. the only complain he had is that sometimes it was hard for him to sleep.
We continue our process and since January I am living in the Netherlands ... in a very small village ... and I come from the second biggest city in Mexico ... and since I have been here in his environment is when I finally understand what is the adhd ... and the process has been everything except good or happiness .. When I just arrived I realized he smokes weed 5 grams per day (that was in January but now he reduced it to only 3 grams during weekends) ... during the week he can spend most of his time locked in his room, he can come out to ask if i am ok and then go back to his room. Some days he is not hungry at all and other days he wants to finish the whole fridge. He told me that smoking weed was only to help him sleep but then i find out he also smokes during weekdays and not only on weekends. In Mexico I used to buy food for the whole week but since I get here, it is impossible because of his behavior ... it is not nice to cook a nice meal and end up eating it alone. And he keeps telling me that all of this is normal, that I should not worry. That i should let him be ... but tell how can you create a marriage with this type of behavior ... it is more like roommates. Is this normal?
I honestly had no idea how hard it will be ... and on top of all this situation, I am also living my own process of adaptation to this country and it has been horrible. I have followed all the tips and guidance that his therapist tell me to do and they have told me that one year ago he was nothing of who he is now, that he hs improve and get better because of me ...and that is good .. but in the process I feel drained and exhausted.
I have read posts of how some families feel that instead of a partner they have an extra child and how they dont feel supported and I honestly dont want that. And one thing that bothers me and that I keep asking him is why we dont have sex? ... in the 9 months that I have been here .. we didnt have sex .. and that is surprising, because when we meet we did it.But since I am here is like not at all. He says it has nothing to do with me but all of this is too much and I dont know what to believe anymore.
Please tell me that someone has a similar story than me ... i havent find yet one person that has a similar situation like mine and I just feel alone. I have the support of my parents and they accept if i go back because this is just too much. I have been asking for help here but they just ignore it and i just dont know what to do. All I dream lately is to go back because that is where I feel secure and happy. Maybe im a good motivation for him to get better .. but this whole situation is draining me emotionally.
I apreciate any feedback. And if i am wrong, I would also like to know. Just dont be too rude ... like I said, I also need help and im super vulnerable.
have a nice day.
I’m sorry
Submitted by sickandtired on
I’m sorry, but this man will not change. There is a reason he wanted an online relationship for so long....he was hiding his true self from you. He cannot live with someone without his day to day problems ruining any chance of a good relationship with you.
You deserve so much better than this. You should not feel obligated to stay with him just because others say he is better with you being there with him. He is dependent on you, but so emotionally distant he doesn’t even want to have sex with you. I have been in your situation, where living with my ex was like living with an angry immature dependent teenager. If you stay and have kids with him, it will get MUCH worse. You are lucky you are not married to him, and that your family is welcoming you to come home back to Mexico. Please go home to them, the people that really love you, and focus on meeting someone else, and get to know them in the “real world” instead of wasting years in an online relationship. Big hugs to you !!!
I agree with SickandTired
Submitted by SweetandSour on
I agree with SickandTired completely and she said it better than I can. You moved to his comfort zone which involves a lot of stress on its own and leaves you without your support system and he's not going out of his way for you at all. That's not a good sign for the future. Also, marijuana addiction is a real thing and it is not benign. It has very bad effects on relationships because using marijuana disconnects the person from their feelings so they are less empathetic; it causes short-term memory loss so they don't even remember what you say; it takes away motivation to change any part of their life or behavior; and it causes general confusion especially over time. Don't stay with him. I know it's hard when you feel like you're helping someone, but two things I've been told: 1) Don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. 2) You can't care about someone more than they care about themselves. I know this is a very hard decision for you. There are a lot of ways you can help people in this world though that don't involve losing yourself to the extent that you are currently experiencing. Best wishes! Be strong!
The hyper-focus stage is over. Time to leave.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
The hyper-focus stage is over. (see https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/after-hyper-focus) You are not married and do not have children. Life is too short and you deserve a real chance at happiness. You can not change him. Leave today.