I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30’s, I’m now 44. My wife does not have ADHD and tells me I’m not treating my symptoms and until I do, she’s not willing to begin counseling with me.
I take my Adderall everyday and try to take it late enough in the day to last into the evening but not interfere with sleep. Sleep has always been an issue regardless and that’s a separate issue.
I also see a therapist every week, I try and be mindful of my feelings (another very difficult issue for me, I have a hard time identifying how I am feeling and why I’m feeling one way or another). I have read the following books within the last 12 months:
The ADHD Affect on Marriage (twice) - Melissa Orlov
Driven to Distraction - Dr. Edward Hallowell &Sue Hallowell
Is it You, Me, or ADHD? (Twice) - Gina Pera
Married to Distraction - Dr. Edward Hallowell & Dr. John Ratey
The Disorganized Mind - Nancy Ratey
All About ADHD - Dr. Thomas Phelan
The Effect ADHD has on Marriage - Terrence Williams
Games People Play - Dr. Eric Berne
Taking Charge of ADHD - Dr. Russell Barkley
Taking Charge of Adult ADHD - Dr. Russell Barkley
I have read tons of articles and blogs, watch countless videos, I have began attending my local CHADD meeting...
I’m blessed with high intelligence and feel I’m well read and informed on ADHD. For the life of me, I do not know what else I can do to “treat” my symptoms.
So, long story even longer... What is ADHD treatment, what does it look like when someone is treating it? Do they still show symptoms? What am I doing wrong?
My entire life I’ve always been told the typical garbage anyone with debilitating ADHD has heard; I’m lazy, I don’t care, I’m selfish, I’m not reliable, I’m irresponsible, etc. My mind tells me I’m doing everything I can to minimize my symptoms but my wife thinks I don’t try and I don’t care. She’s even gone so far as to say I’m playing a game to see how far I can push her and how much I can get away with before she either commits suicide, is committed to a mental facility or divorces me (“because I’m not man enough to do the right thing“).
The only thing I can think of to do is take more medication so it will last well into the night (she likes to have our “talks” after the kids go to bed and we’re about to go to bed as well. I’ve explained to her how my medication has worn off, it’s late, we’re both tired; it’s usually after midnight and she gets up at 5:30am and I at 6:30 to go to work, you can see how it’s not a conducive plan to discuss highly emotional topics even without ADHD.
I think my wife is asking me to be cured or to not have any symptoms and that will show I’m working on my ADHD.
Please explain to my imbecilic what treatment is and what it will look like when I’m doing it so I can get started and have a relationship with my wife.
Thank you you so much for any help!!
Tater
Have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'
'I am loved/lovable but some of my ADHD symptoms are not. I am responsible for managing my negative ADHD symptoms.' (Orlov, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, section: The ADHD Effect Paradigm Shift: ADHD Spouse)
Have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
Therapy
Submitted by Taterhostage on
I am currently seeing a therapist who specializes in ADHD and we are doing CBT. I use the bullet journal, my iPhone is full of alarms and I use my calendar. I’m not super consistent, but I’ve had a lot of progress. I also have an assistant at work and she’s helpful on the job.
My wife says I need to get treatment and according to my beliefs, that’s what I’m doing so I’m not sure what she means.
Is she able to clarify what she means?
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
It sounds to me like you are making an effort, so I'm curious what she thinks is missing?
you are actively working to manage your ADHD symptoms
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
It certainly sounds like you are actively working to manage your ADHD symptoms. Your approach seems solid. I think your wife should re-read Orlov where she explains in depth that both the ADHDer and non-ADHDer BOTH have an active part in managing themselves AS PART of successfully living with ADHD. There is no 'magic bullet' treatment (alas) but ADHD can be managed and your lives improved significantly. But it take serious effort for both of you (all the time). Good luck and God bless.
CBT
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My Boyfriend had great results with Behavioral Therapy....
You have all the knowledge
Submitted by adhd32 on
You are not in denial, you have educated yourself, and you are getting professional help. I am not sure more medication is the answer. It seems as though you want change. Are you putting what you have learned from all the self-education into practice? Setting alarms, notes on the dashboard, planning wardrobe for tomorrow, gathering things and putting them by the door, taking out the trash last thing before heading to bed, etc. Ritualistic behavior helped my son a great deal, my H on the other hand bristles at any predictable routine. Your wife may need to see that you are really trying to improve rather than just learning about ADD. Maybe a coach could help sort out the obstacles impeding your progress and teach you strategies to master one area at a time. Ask your wife to give you specific behaviors that are causing problems rather than vague generalizations. Putting ideas into regular practice is difficult for anyone but more difficult for someone who tends to procrastinate or does not know where to begin. There is no cure for ADD so perhaps your wife could read some of the books so she has realistic expectations regarding improvements. She will learn, too, that her reactions add fuel to the fire.
select one particular 'pet peeve' ADHD symptom...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Taterhostage,
Did your wife also read: The ADHD Affect on Marriage - Melissa Orlov & Is it You, Me, or ADHD? - Gina Pera? As you know these both give perspectives and possible paths forward for both the ADHDer and the non-ADHDer. I agree with above that you should select one particular 'pet peeve' ADHD symptom and work very hard to demonstrate TO YOUR WIFE that you are actively tempering a symptom that particularly annoys her. This will greatly increase your credibility as you ask her to be involved in the ongoing improvements. A few successes will tend to calm the inevitable frustrations that will occur when set-backs develop. I applaud your asking for tips. This forum thrills to hear of real progress for someone and their family.