Does anyone have any idea how to make an ADDer care when they lose your stuff?
My daughter gave me a GPS for Christmas because I always get lost. I mostly only go to work, school and the grocery store, so I let my husband use it. (His job requires him to travel from client to client, so he could use it.) I told him I'd want to use it if we went anywhere.
I've been asking him where it was all week. He said "I haven't looked for it yet." (!) He should know where it is! I'm afraid he's let one of his clients steal it (a lot of them are crack addicts.) or it's irretrievably lost. I'm mad and he doesn't think I should be. He keeps changing the subject. The fact that he doesn't know where such an important object THAT IS MINE is makes me feel unimportant. What in the world do I tell my daughter??
Accountability for Losing things....
Submitted by ajr on
I find accountability is a good concept to implement....Tell your husband that you would like him to look and find the GPS within a certain time frame.....( Date and Time)...IF he does not produce the lost GPS, then he needs to march out and buy you a new one to replace the one he lost.....
Now granted you may be frustrated that you have to buy this item, your husband needs to see the consequences of his actions and take reponsibility for them....regardless if it was stolen, misplaced or whatever....It would be no different if you took his car keys and lost them.....He would be inconvienced by not being able to drive.....YOU would be accountable for finding or replacing the keys....
MY experience with ADD behavior is that there is always an excuse why things happen, and avoidance.....Personal accountability and responsibility puts the onus back on your husband.....It really doesnt matter how the GPS got lost, stolen or otherwize....What matters is that he takes reponsibility for getting it back to you when you need it, or you will continue to feel dismissed, frustrated and angry at him.....
YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT....
Blessings....
He found it!
Submitted by Sueann on
Hubby came in rather sheepish because GPS was in his glove compartment all along. Then he tried to seduce me.
The problem really wasn't the GPS but has rather cavalier attitude toward something important to me. We yard sale on weekends and we had to keep going home to Mapquest as we don't have a laptop and people don't put directions in their ads. It was important to me because it was a gift and I felt like I didn't matter to him.
make it matter? different approach
Submitted by arwen on
Sueann, I've had the same issue with my husband. The only way I've ever found to make my husband care about anything that he's not naturally inclined to be considerate about is to either make his life so miserable that he gets the message, or to go on strike so that his life becomes filled with inconveniences. I decided that this issue was not worth the kind of sustained longterm effort that would be needed with one of these approaches in order to be effective. Instead, we instituted a much simpler policy -- "touch my stuff and die". (OK -- not really die -- but maybe end up feeling like you wish you had, lol.)
On the rare occasion I do loan him something, we also identify when and where is he going to return it to me -- and I try to keep the loan period to the absolute minimum, and definitely NOT overnight or off the premises.
Thanks, Arwen
Submitted by Sueann on
LOL- Restricting him from taking the GPS off the premises wouldn't really work, would it? I finally gave it back to him a couple days ago, because I really don't use it during the week. I do thnk I put the fear of God into him.
I've actually had some luck getting him to keep his mitts off my "fabric scissors", which will cease being "fabric scissors" if they are used to cut paper. (Even my non-ADD first husband had trouble with the concept that good scissors can be ruined by cutting paper with them.) But then, he doesn't usually cut anything when I'm not home. Oh, well, if he doesn't do anything, he doesn't have to use my stuff to do it.
Losing Things
Submitted by skoonix on
My ADHD wife loses things constantly and expects me to find it and I spend so much energy and time looking for it - and it's impirtant stuff like her checkbook, wallet, keys, etc. And yes, I know, if I didnt look for them then maybe she would - I have tried this numerous times and she is incapable of finding them. And many times it's the classic ADHD - she'll put a shirt on top of her keys - she was getting ready to go on a trip and I handed her a brand new credit card she'd need to pick up her train ticket with and within SECONDS she had lost it. Her departure day was approaching so I finally asked if she had found it and she vaguely said it's somewhere in the dining room. But made NO effort to look for it - and here is the cause and effect issue - if she waited til the very last second and could not find it - well then she cant pick up the tickets and we have to do it all over again and the reservation would be lost, etc. But in other words, there would be a domino effect with not finding the credit card - and of course it was not in the dining room and I eventually found it under a pile of clothes in the bedroom. And when I came back from work after she left on the trip - this is like 14 hours later - I eventually open up the silverware drawer and there is mozzarella cheese - not refrigerated and then the next day I am looking for a pot and in the pot/pan cabinets an almost full carton of OJ - again not in the fridge - it had gone bad, Both had to be thrown out - it adds up all of these - and it gets very aggravating. The ADHD person tends to forget about it, move on, la la la, etc. but it is hard to not let the frustration get to you....