My ADHD husband and I have been in counseling together for several months now, and are working to get our marriage into a better place. We have already seen real progress, though we do have a long way to go. (At what point does it start to get easier.. six months? a year?)
We are both dealing with a lot of hurt and anger, and I am trying to take responsibility for my part in our issues, but I am starting to feel like I'm being unfairly villainized in his memory of our life together all these years.
To hear him tell it, I had everything my way for over a decade, not caring for what he wanted at all. It's true that I be oblivious and pushy, but some of my getting my way was because A.) I was the person taking care of things and making plans because he didn't, and B.) he didn't communicate to me that something was important to him or he was truly upset about it. He says it was easier for him to just let me have my way instead of arguing about it. I see that point, and he's not wrong... however instead of taking the time and making the effort to really communicate this to me, he just disengaged from our marriage. We were disconnected for years, though we still did things together and played the part of a happy family, we were broken and I didn't even realize it until it was almost too late.
My husband has a million relatively small things that have built up into powerful resentment over the years, and now every little thing is symbolic, a type of power play. I feel like I have to watch every tiny little thing, and let him have his way. It's good for me to learn to choose my battles, and walk away from most small things, but it's at the point now that I'm wondering if in his mind I have to let him get his way every single time now to make up for all those years he felt his preferences were ignored.
Our counseling sessions have been mostly focused on some significant bad behaviors on his end, betrayals that I am working to forgive and move past so we can keep our family together. I understand that things don't happen in a vacuum, and I don't want him to think that I don't take responsibility for my part, but I think he is still in a bit of denial about how much of this is on him... his unmanaged ADHD symptoms (hyper focus on work, not dependable, no time management, irritability), his lack of communication, his lying, his detachment from his wife. He just didn't even try, and the only reason we are working on this now is because I pushed it and forced the issue after a potentially relationship-ending betrayal.
I have not been perfect, but I have kept it together and been the steady one for a long time. I am deserving of a husband that makes me feel loved and cared for more than he makes me feel like an annoyance or inconvenience. He says he loves me, he says he will do better, and he has started to show me with actions as well as words, but I am still uneasy that he seems to think the blame of our issues is shared 50/50 when the objective reality is a very uneven split. I don't believe I was the monster he's making me out to be, and it hurts that he remembers things that way.
From the ADD Perspective
Submitted by ADHD_Highway_to... on
I am the ADDer in the relationship (Husband) so maybe I can give you some of his perspective (maybe not, but I'll try). I guess my opening question would be have you admitted your part in the chaos? I am not trying to assign any blame or finger point, but from my perspective in my relationship, I feel like I get the brunt if not all of the for all that is wrong in my marriage.
of it, yes, is well deserved, and I'll own that. But if he feels like you are putting the whole lot at his doorstep, then his defenses will go up. More questions - and please don't take offense, because this is my perspective from MY relationship, so it may not apply to you. Have you ever called him names? If so, in front of the kids or in public? Have you ever publicly dismissed him? Do you hold yourself as accountable to the same standards as you do your husband? (I know if I called my wife the names she calls me, I’d be out on my ear before the last syllable came out). When he brings his concerns to you about your behavior do you either dismiss it, deny it, minimize it, or qualify it with a "Yes, but I only did it because you did X"? Have you complimented the good things that he does (not "participation trophy stuff like take out the trash, or do his laundry - I'm talking about when he makes a nice meal, maybe even something as simple as helping with a chore - a simple Thank You)? Do you call him just because or just to remind him of the things he hasn't done? Do you use words / phrases like "You never do X", "You always do Y", "If you only had half as much motivation as I do", "You're the one with the issues, not me" . . .
I don't mean to project my issues or situation on to you, because these are things that I am struggling with, but some of them may strike a chord. For me, to hear that I am the only one ruining the marriage (with the pat "I know I'm no saint, but you are much worse") completely demoralizes me and makes me tune out anything productive my wife may be saying.
Again, I know as the ADDer, I bring my own special baggage to the party, but I know that I am not the only one, and I don’t like being treated like a doormat because I mess up. So for what it was worth, this is what goes through our ADD heads (when we’re not distracted by bright shiny things)
Thank you for the response
Submitted by Spinach on
Thank you for the response and the perspective. It is helpful to see things from the other side. We try to keep our bickering to a minimum in front of our child. We usually interact well in social situations, other than the times that he is annoyed and short with me. I am taking his concerns about my behavior very seriously and working to change them. I started on this early in the year and he has told me that he actually wants to come home now, that he wants to be around me, when previously he didn't. It's been challenging though, for him to see me as I am now in the present, and not focus on the past.
I had become so conditioned to taking care of things by myself and being ignored, that now every little nice thing that he does is significant. I am very grateful for these small things, and I make sure he knows it so he feels good and will want to continue doing them. I thank him for spending time with me.
We have always talked on the phone and texted throughout the day when each of us is at work. In the past a lot of that interaction was me asking him if he had taken care of something he said he would, asking him to do things, worrying about money. Of course that was unpleasant and his response was to withdraw. Now when we talk I say less and listen more. I know that nagging doesn't work, so I'm learning to let go.
He does get the brunt of things in our counseling sessions so far, but that is because his symptoms are the root of many of our issues, and he has worsened the situation by lying and doing some dangerous and hurtful things. I never want him to feel like I'm putting it all on him, but I want him to really take responsibility for his part, not to tend to turn things around on me. We need to work equally to make things right.
Ownership
Submitted by sickandtired on
You said he seemed to think the blame is 50/50 in your relationship. So what has your husband specifically taken ownership of as his ultimate responsibility for his behaviors?
He knows that one of the main
Submitted by Spinach on
He knows that one of the main issues was him never being around, working too much and going to bars instead of coming home. That has changed significantly, which is helping us to grow closer.
Hoping for better days....
Submitted by c ur self on
(At what point does it start to get easier.. six months? a year?)
What are you measuring your marriage responsibilities by? Your past sounds like a picture of....He may not have stepped up as the leader in the family (marriage) so in many things you did....If that's the case, he evidently was offended (his withdrawal) by your actions...(keeping track of wrongs). That put you in a difficult place...Really a no win place...But, only you and he (on this earth any way) knows if you were resistant to his headship, and refused to respect his decisions....If that's the case he did right, trying to keep the peace, but, wrong in using your attitude and actions as an excuse for himself to do more wrong...
After the first few sessions, you need to be able to put the past down....That takes complete confessions, repentance, and forgiveness by both parties....It is a very good sign that there is still un-forgiveness in a heart when the dragging up of the past keeps haunting the sessions...You can waste a lot of time and money with blame, and power struggles....If you can't move past that, I suggest you go to counseling separate for a while...You both need to be able to ask for help, and confess your sin's (the wrongs you did to each other, without denial)...That isn't an easy place to get to when you have been hurt....Especially if one or both of you refuse to take complete ownership of your actions w/o blame...
It is extremely easy to not repent (self justification) for mistakes and sins, when you feel like you were in a corner, due to the lack of effort and energy being displayed by the other spouse....So again I ask you...What are you measuring **right living by** (His and Hers), your thinking? his thinking?...The counselor's thinking? Scripture? It matters so much, that y'all are in total agreement on how the home should run. What happens if you are not in harmony here, is only confusion...You end up debating things, because you see life differently....(Power struggles due to no unity of heart and mind, or at least an understanding of the others reality)
This isn't about either of you getting your way (winning)...It's about getting it right!...The quicker you are both truly broken hearted about the state of your relationship, and have a renewed desire to change, healing can begin.....He can't do that for you, and you can't do that for him....You will both have to own it, and lay down the swords....
My prayers are with you....
c
Thank you for the comment. We
Submitted by Spinach on
Thank you for the comment. We are both trying to be respectful and understanding throughout this process. Counseling has made us confront things about ourselves that are hard to hear at times, but we are there because we are asking for help. A big struggle for him is putting the past down, forgiving and moving forward. He understands that he needs to do so in order for us to get better, but it's very difficult for him as he holds on to things forever. He has to choose to let go. I am working on forgiving him for his wrongs, and it is challenging, but the desire to do so propels the momentum. We will only grow together if we both forgive and focus on the present instead of the past, but there is quite a bit of past to be dealt with first in order for that to happen.
We are in agreement about how our home should be run, we are equals, there is no leader or headship in our family. Our focus is on our child, and raising her to be a happy and good person.
We are both broken hearted about the relationship and are doing our best to change. Only time will tell if we are both equally committed and strong enough to put in the work needed to get through this.
Taking ownership of your part
Submitted by BIGREDDOG on
I will start by saying that I am the one with the ADD in my marriage. I would ask if your husband has taken full ownership of his ADD? With that I mean, does he fully recognize the depth of his ADD, has he been to a psychopharmacologist and worked out a medication program? This can take some time to get right, there are a lot of meds on the market and they all have their advantages and disadvantages, it took me about two years to get just right. Is he seeing a psychologist on his own to work out all the baggage that comes with ADD, does he understand how important diet and sleep habits are for the ADD brain, has he developed environmental habits that will help him to function better.
where I am going with all of this is that you need to understand that there are three separate entities at play here, you as a person, him as a person and the two of you as a couple. For the third entity to get healthy the first order of business is for each of you to take ownership of yourselves and do what is necessary to get your own head in the right place. I can’t say what that looks like for you because I’m on the other side of the equation but I have seen what my wife has gone through and it’s not easy, be patient and it will come together, albeit slowly.
as for him, if he doesn’t have a grip on his ADD he needs to invest himself into learning as much as he can. It’s in his own best interest because his life will get better and the chaos will slow down, the anxiety he feels will lighten up.
there are a lot of really good books, YouTube videos, podcasts etc. get a copy of Melissa’s books. I really like one called “the Mindfullness Prescription for Adult ADHD” if he can learn to meditate it will bring a lot of peace to his mind.
lastly, I’m not trying to make excuses for your husband but try and have compassion and understanding for what he is living with and the struggles that we with ADD have to contend with day in and day out that people without ADD take for granted and can’t fathom how they could be a problem. ADD on it’s best day just sucks to live with.
you can work this out if you both have the desire to work through it. I wish you and your husband to best of luck.