So it's been a LOT of togetherness the past few weeks and I am about at the end of my tether. DHs 50th birthday was November 17th and all four of us went downtown (Chicago) overnight-we had a super fancy dinner out then stayed at a fancy hotel overnight then had brunch the next morning and came home. It was fine but taxing. It made me sad that we have no couple friends that I would even have invited to join us and that DH has no friends period that would have made for a party or something. He has two ways of being-sarcastic or sullen. That's pretty much it. I know many of us have posted here about similar things-odd ways of being. Immature, inappropriate, acting too young or silly--all of those things. So those two days were exhausting even as I wanted the four of us to be together. I have brought up separating in the spring many times and both of our boys are probably headed to college in the fall, so lots of changes next year, but I figured 50 deserved some notice, so that's what we did. Then Thanksgiving. Again, just the four of us. Neither of us has any extended family. DH does all the cooking and the amount of praise he needs for that is not to be believed. Exhausting. Yesterday and today we took the youngest to visit a college he was accepted to and again--sarcasm, weird inappropriate comments, asking questions about things that were literally just covered and then getting mad when things are repeated. So strange. He is f***ing 50 years old. Grow up. Act your age. You are not your 17 year old son's peer. We are on the walking tour of the campus, the three of us with one other mom and son, plus two students that lead the tour and they walk three steps ahead of me like I am not even there. There was a presentation prior to the tour and the two of them sat there joking around and making fun of everything until I finally said something and they both got mad. Seriously-I teach junior high and my students don't even act like that. Bad enough my 17 year old son does, but what do you expect when that's how his father is acting. Everything's a joke. Nothing is serious. Call me crazy, but if I have to figure out how to pay $20,000 a year for college, I'm gonna take that kinda seriously. DH didn't go to college--went into the military right out of high school and has no use for education in general-we have battled this our entire married life. He has the GI bill which is free tuition at any in state school. No interest. His work sends him to seminars-he comes home and says how useless they are, he could have taught the thing better than the expert, he never reads the book, he knows better, blah blah blah. And both our kids are terribly underachieving--wonder why. That is my single biggest regret. They are both so smart and in large part because of their father's disdain for education they have not lived up to their potential. Of course I am oversimplifying and there is not a straight line between those two things, but I would wager DHs attitude accounts for some of it.
But I digress. Just a lot of togetherness that reminds me why I need to get the hell out of this or I will die. These behaviors are just so bad. I really don't know how he functions at work AND I know why he gets fired every three years. Just so many weird behaviors.
thanks for letting me vent...
Wow brought back memories
Submitted by adhd32 on
I'm short on time but will reply later. I had forgotten about my H's similar behavior in the same scenarios until this post. His behavior was mortifying.
Long buried memories
Submitted by adhd32 on
H's behavior on the first few college visits with the first kid was odd and highly embarrassing. He would sigh loudly when he thought someone's question was stupid or mutter a comment just loud enough for the questioner to hear or literally walk out and disappear when a presentation was longer than 20 minutes. He wasn't really interested in much of anything except eating. He would loudly complain, make derogatory comments, and when reminded that he was embarrassing either me or the kid, he would tell me I was too sensitive (deflection) and he was who he was so T.S. Most kids are embarrassed, to some extent, by their parents but his behavior was just too much to take and my younger one, who accompanied us, said that he was not to visit schools when it was her turn. It was all about him and his comfort and boredom. He was jealous too. He has always, since they were born, acted like the kids were some kind of inconvenience; diverting attention away from him. When challenged he would never admit it but his actions over the years have proven otherwise and now that the kids are grown and can have any relationship with him that they want, they choose a very superficial one. What goes around comes around I guess. So back to the visits. After saving religiously for 20 years for this the long awaited time it finally arrives, instead of being proud of the fact that his kids were going to college and showing attention and praising them he chose to act like an a$$. Being unaware of his ADD at that time, I would point out his behavior and chastised him (in retrospect a huge mistake) for acting like a 10 year old. Thus began WW3. When I called him on his jealousy of the kids' accomplishments and their changing lives he had a full out melt down. He actually said " well, my parents never took me to see schools" to which I replied "we are not your parents, and this is not your time to shine". I see now that my behavior added fuel to the fire but still ignorant of his condition at that point I thought I was dealing with a grown man who had the same hopes and dreams for our kids. Stupid me. To this day, I still cannot fathom how a parent can view his child an interloper!! He never went on another college visit again. I took care of the rest of the visits myself and forged a close bond with each kid as we flew and drove all over the place visiting schools, sitting in traffic, sleeping in airports, all while making memories together that we still talk about today. I visited the kids at school by myself after only one visit accompanied by him. He embarrassed my daughter in front of her new friends and then completely minimized his contribution and blamed everything on someone else, never owning any of his behavior. After that, I helped move the kids in and out of dorms and apartments, all without his help. His jealousy and juvenile behavior made him a loose cannon and the potential embarrassment was not worth the risk.
Months before H's 50th birthday I asked what he wanted and he made it known that he wanted a big party. He loves parties and being the center of attention so I hosted a party at a KOC hall, hired a DJ and invited friends, extended family, and some of his coworkers. I took care of all the details myself. He thanked me by ignoring me all night and being rude to me after the party was over, never once expressing any gratitude. When my 50th approached I said nothing. Two days before the big 50 he said "so what are we doing for your birthday". For other people this would be a ploy to throw them off but I knew H wasn't that savvy and was really expecting me to plan my own day. I said, "nothing if I have to plan it, buy my own gift and make child care arrangements, it will pass like every other one" and I started to cry. I was so crushed it still brings me to tears just thinking about it, I felt as beloved as a piece of furniture. His response was to get mad at me for feeling like an afterthought. He guiltily tried to slap something together at the 11th hour but it is no mystery how that ended.
Tell me again why I'm supposed to be so grateful and accommodating. Now that I know better and realize his limitations I no longer have any expectations. This is worse than being disappointed. I have thrown in the towel on the relationship and surrendered, living for myself, no longer thinking of us as a couple unified. I am sad that I wasted my life on someone so selfish and self centered. The fact that he cannot/will not ever change does not soften the blow and there will always be justification and deflections rather than responsibility and ownership. As he said, he is who he is. I cannot change that.
May hugs to you. I'm so sorry
Submitted by Libby on
May hugs to you. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through.
I relate to a lot of this
Submitted by Brindle on
My H also seems jealous of our kids, too. Says similar things, like “well, no one did that for me!”
I also have given up expectations for him. Lots of refusal to take responsibility or accept accountability.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for our pain... and the collective pain of all of us on here. I hope we all find a way to happiness in spite of our spouses.
adhd32
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"So what are we doing for your birthday?"
"Nothing if I have to plan it, buy my own gift and make child care arrangements, it will pass like every other one."
This hurt physically to read. I am so sorry for how much you have been hurt and have endured. All I can say is I have been in exactly that place. That is exactly my life. And so is your last paragraph. I hope both of us can find a new, happier chapter somehow. Sometimes I wish all of us on these forums lived close together. This is such a great support group, but sometimes, like now, I would just like to give you a hug.
Exactly...and looking to your future
Submitted by jennalemone on
Nearly every word and situation and education and 2 sons happened and felt like the same here. A difference is that I am much older than you. I now know that I should have left H when the boys went off to college, but I didn't and I used every excuse for not leaving to myself. To, one of the boys was having difficulties - I didn't know where to go - I was hoping to find some support that I didn't find - "maybe" after the boys were gone, H and I would be able to save the marriage. ..... Anyway, it didn't happen.
Now, we are in a financial situation that I would have to give H half of my investments from a job that I worked full time for 7 years and he gets a bigger social security check than me because I worked part/full time and took care of ALL home and family obligations.... There is no more ability to leave for me. I took jobs that permitted me to be with the children and always chose to support H in his work than to make decisions for what was best for me.
Take a look a how Social Security works for you. Go to the Social Security office and get them to personally know what you will get. But know that SS offices are famously short staffed. You CAN find that info online for yourself but it is tricky to know where to go. So you might be better going to the offices of aging resources in your area who are happy to help with information gathering and understand. You would get better answers there than SS office. I was shocked how the SS money is split up between couples and the wife who has shared a lifetime only gets HALF of the husband's share (or her own share - either one or the other not both). No consideration is made for a lifetime wife who worked but not full time/long term as her husband did. He just gets his full share and SS acts like the wife should be happy and grateful for the crumbs of half.
Eerily similar
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I definitely remember similar college visits. I only let my ex H go on one college visit without me. It was to my alma mater. I already knew what I needed to know. I understood the scholarship opportunities and I knew my son had a place on the team. The visit was only for my son to put eyes on the campus.
OMG. YES. I was at one college and the speaker was in front of a bank of windows. I looked, and there was my ex H OUTSIDE the building. So similar. He walked behind all of the tour groups and thought the best course of action was to joke around. What an idiot.
Last night I realized that the relationship had deteriorated to such an extent and my trust in him had become so negligible that I have not missed him at all. There is NO missing whatsoever Wow. I can think about the betrayals, but I don't miss him at all. Only once, when I was installing the dryer vent in the condo, but I got it done myself after many curse words.