Hi, my husband and I have been married 27 years. We have been in marriage counseling 5 times in those years with no real improvements. He was finally diagnosed with ADD a few years ago but also shows signs of language issues and Central Auditory Processing Disorder. Communication and conversation are very difficult and I have gotten to the point where unless we are talking about something he is interested or involved in, I avoid a lot of conversation with him. There is a lot of misunderstanding, misinterpreting, forgetting, repeating, arguing and frustration. I find it is much easier not to talk much. This has both of us feeling very lonely and unfulfilled. I honestly can't see that this would ever change because he truly does not seem to be able to notice when it is happening and is so convinced it is not him. I really thought I was crazy until I started seeing him have the same types of arguments with our kids as they got older and then I realized it wasn't me.
crl@5
Also, our counselor has
Submitted by crl@5 on
Also, our counselor has suggested that he repeat what he thinks I am saying which I have to say is absurd and very unrealistic because he would literally have to repeat everything I say. I have tried cueing him that he is not listening or understanding what I am saying or asking by saying things like, "Please wait until I am finished talking before you answer", "You're not listening to my question", "That's not what I'm asking", or "That's not what I'm saying" but often by this time one or both of us is frustrated and feels like the conversation is not worth it anymore. One of the many things that make improvement difficult is that he really doesn't have good insight into what is happening. He also almost always has an excuse for why he wasn't listening or misunderstood. I get that this is a defense mechanism but it stops any real progress from happening.
It's difficult to communicate for us also....
Submitted by c ur self on
(There is a lot of misunderstanding, misinterpreting, forgetting, repeating, arguing and frustration.)
My wife and I have a very frustrating dynamic also....I can be talking to my wife, and she will interrupt me and point out every misspoken word, and every grammatical error I make...She doesn't seem to be able to fill in the blank so to speak....I remember her doing this once in front of a friend, and frustratingly pointing it out to him....And he just calmly looked at her and said..."I knew what he meant"....Now, I'm not blaming her for my relaxed way of speaking at times (incorrect), and my butchering the English language at times....But, she just doesn't seem to be able to not frustratingly point it out...(right in the middle of a sentence) If she would listen as hard for understanding, as she does for correctness, we would have a much better ability to get through short conversations without all the drama....
I know it's not fair to be the only one who know's what they are trying to say (in our head)....I can repeat myself, be overly detailed, especially with her....She has a lot of trouble following anything other than short exchanges...My tendency is to be detailed....
I am trying to do a few things that helps....One don't waste words, be aware of when I speak....I also don't run stuff by her in general conversation like I do friends and our children....The big one for me is when she has a melt down about a mistake...Just laugh and refuse to reply...Don't make her internal struggles my own...Because her general add outbursts are not a threat, they come and go like the wind, as long as I ignore them (took a long time to learn this one lol, sadly)....It's just who she is.
Yep, conversation attempts that are being engaged in for dissecting the speaker vs comprehension of the material, isn't really one I want to be involved in anyway....So quiet is a good thing in those instances....
c
I find that implied meanings
Submitted by crl@5 on
I find that implied meanings and inferred meanings are very difficult for my husband. He will then misunderstand and start arguing or take the conversation in another direction. I, like you, tend to avoid alot of general conversation with him that I can easily have with others. Then he gets upset because he says I don't talk to him, but it ends up being so much work. Even conversations about simple things get confusing and off track because he is not listening or interrupts too much.
Thank you for sharing.
I can see both sides...
Submitted by c ur self on
(Then he gets upset because he says I don't talk to him, but it ends up being so much work.)
We are going through family Christmas prep...Getting together w/ about 20 or so family members at our house tomorrow. She wants so badly to impress them and for everyone to enjoy themselves...It is very difficult for her in these situations...She is so messy normally, she almost makes her self sick pushing herself to get the place in order...She didn't take advantage of her 6 days off..So for the last 8 day's she has worked 10 hour night shifts..Come in and worked 4 or 5 more hours in the house or shopping..Then jumps in bed for 5 or 6 and does it again.....She is 57....It's her choice, and she defends HER WAY...LOL...
I love her and can't help but feel for her...But I force accountability, I take no orders, and I only participate when we keep the main thing, the main thing...LOVE and RESPECT....I insist on calm, planned out, order...She is getting it, or I should say, she is starting to respect it, she has always known it, but, refused to respect it..(Can you say trouble!) lol..And I'm learning, (have learned this one;), she is going to wait until the last minute, and I will need to find another place to be many times, (in order to keep accountability in place) when she is in panic mode...She don't hear herself during these times, (if we are honest, not many of us do, if we manage our lives so poorly, that we stay stressed) so it's just better I leave her with it for peace sake..:)
I sent out an 8 person group text to our children, daughter and son in laws, just for organization purposes (about food)...I left her off because I can get everyone on the same page instantly...(Her tendency is to just muddy it up, with a bunch of what if senerios, mostly trying to please everyone, then she ends up mad, when there is confusion..lol..lol...) I asked her to do it the day before, but, because she couldn't remember who she had told what to, along w/ her procrastination, of course she didn't do it....In the mean time I'm getting hit w/ text statements and questions.."We need to know, so we can shop etc..??" So I sent out the appropriate info....One of my daughters added her to the group...lol....To her credit this time, she didn't pout to much...I think she is getting it,...We are on the same team...Some times she gets it.....
You are so right about implied & inferred thinking...It does no one any good to assume this w/ us....Accept the reality, and do the best we can to keep the train on the tracks....Love and kindness FIRST, very little even matters if we lose this!
c
I hear you
Submitted by Brindle on
I really thought I was crazy until I started seeing him have the same types of arguments with our kids as they got older and then I realized it wasn't me.
Yes. That’s part of what helped me see, too. And the kids would come to me and say things that I had felt for years! Now we don’t have any additional processing disorders going on, but my husband’s blaming, avoidance of responsibility, etc, means that the conversations go to weird places. And when I saw he couldn’t even have a decent conversation with his kids, and that the patterns were the same... it was eye opening.
And you are right. It is so much easier to just not talk. And yes, lonely. I’m sorry for your pain. I’m glad you found us here. The men and women here understand, and their stories help us not feel alone.
Thank you for sharing. He is
Submitted by crl@5 on
Thank you for sharing. He is listening to the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage right now. This is my last effort and hope of getting through to him. He has very poor self awareness and insight and I am expecting him to say that he is not as bad as other people described in the book. He is also very oppositional which is a big barrier to change.
Oppositional Defiance
Submitted by Spinach on
Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is commonly seen in folks with ADHD. Fun times...
Maybe I shouldn't be pitching someone else's book on Melissa's site here, but I also found "Is it You, Me, or ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster when Someone You Love has ADD" to be very helpful. If only I could get my husband to read it.. you have a great idea with the audio book, maybe I'll try that.
Gina Pera's book is definitely worth reading
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Gina Pera's book is definitely worth reading as it gives a great overview of what non-ADHD spouses are likely to be feeling in their daily (chaotic) life. I highly recommend. I keep a weathered copy in my car to occasionally re-read chapters. Doing so helps my sanity.
Oppositional Defiance
Submitted by crl@5 on
Thank you for the book recommendation! I will be getting that one next!