I would love some guidance on this topic. I totally get that my husband has poor working memory and short term memory. Here is my dilemma...How do you do LIFE with someone who has poor memory when the consequences of that poor memory can effect you in some big ways. I try not to involve my husband in things that need to be done that if he forgets would impact me too much. Not only is that very challenging when you are supposed to share life with someone but it also puts a lot more stress and responsibility on me. That aside, sometimes he does things completely out of my control and it still effects me. For example, he "helped" by putting some clothes in the laundry that I had set aside to do but hadn't gotten to yet. Because he didn't think to check what was in it, he put 3 pairs of my jeans in the dryer on high heat and shrunk them. Might not seem like a big deal but I don't shop for myself much and I had just bought one or two of them and they were expensive as far as jeans go. Another example, our dog has diabetes and we have to give him insulin twice a day. I had left early this particular morning and my husband gave the dog the insulin. BUT he left it out on the counter and I didn't find it until I got home a few hours later...when it is out at room temperature too long it denatures and is no longer any good. So in addition to what I still had to do that day, I also had to find time to go to the vet before dinner to get more insulin. It was not even a consideration to ask my husband to do that because there was still a very good chance he would forget and I would be scrambling sometime later to do it. These are just some SMALL examples of how the memory issues effect me/us. I just can't see how you can do life with someone who can't remember things or doesn't think of things that impact the other person, sometimes in a very big way. I feel very hopeless and would love to hear some stories on how some of you handle this...some strategies, programs...anything that can give me a little hope that this is doable.
Thank you,
C
Yup, common issue and I think
Submitted by Spinach on
Yup, common issue and I think most of us non-ADHD spouses feel your pain. I've found it best to pick and choose what I ask for help with, and while I know we aren't supposed to be enabling them, if it's something relatively like taking the trash out or putting away laundry.. I just do it myself because it's easier and not worth the hassle of asking and reminding. For bigger things I send them to his calendar with reminders so his phone pings him. I have to be careful to make the reminders early enough for him to finish up whatever he's doing but not so early that he forgets again in the space between!
It sounds like your husband is at least trying, with the laundry and the dog, so there is good intent there. Even though you didn't get the outcome you wanted, he tried, and a lot of them don't even bother with that.. so you have something to work with. I wish I could offer better advice, but I've found that positive feedback when something is done well is helpful, but that to much negative feedback when it's not will just cause them to try less because they figure why even try. Maybe encourage him to write to-do lists, or if you want him to help with something (or he's offered to), write down simple instructions?
Good luck to you, and I hope it gets incrementally better over time.
Thank you!
Submitted by crl@5 on
Thank you!
I've been thinking about this
Submitted by barneyarff on
I've been thinking about this. It seems to me that every time you cover for him he does not get to experience the natural consequences for his behavior therefore has no reason to learn. As for your jeans, I don't have an answer for that however for the dog's meds, since he left it out, he should replace it even if he has to drive to a doggie emergency room at midnight to get the meds and pay extra.
Without any consequences (except maybe finding out you are annoyed) he probably won't learn or learn very fast.
If I had to do it over, I would have dropped the ball sooner and harder. I think things would have been better in the long run. Covering for him for so many years only taught him that I would always have his back. He has felt all the privilege of someone who can "plaz" all over and know someone else will clean up. And now when I don't, he is so angry and full of victim hood about it that he is willing to let our house go to heck and ruin other things.
As my therapist says to me all the time..... in the love and logic model let the consequences teach. Then when they get mad say "I know. I hate it too".... It took me until this week to truly understand the "I hate it too" part of this. For me, at this time, it means I hate that our relationship has deteriorated so far that I'm not willing to make plans for Christmas. I hate it but I'm not enabling him anymore. If all the Christmas stuff is so important to him, he can plan it.
Poor memory and double standards
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Yep, the poor memory has been a constant thing in our house. My H does do a lot of self reminders, which helps him a lot. But then, be forgets the list or reminder thing. The thing that would get to me the most was his double standard. He could forget several things, or bungle something very important, but don't let ME or the kids do that. He would have a fit. Example: he has fits about lights being left on, lecturing us ALL the time about lights. But.....who leaves the most lights on? He does. Every room he goes into, he turns on the light, walks out, leaves it on. From room to room, this goes on, till several lights are on all over the place. I am forever turning off lights that HE leaves on. But, then I will get another lecture about the lights. This happens with many things. I had to tell him that I'm tired of the double standard. I used several examples where it's "Do as I say, not as I do". He looked at me dumbfounded, like "What are you talking about"? This is frustrating, but just lately he's trying to do better.
The pooe memory also spilled over into his memory of thinking about doing things for me. Just kind things, simple things, and things that helped me know he cares avout me. It was almost non existent. He pretty much only thought about himself, which is changing also. But, the damage so many years of neglect caused a huge chasm between us, and seriously affected my self esteem.
He is changing for the better now, so it can be done. The year I left, seemed to get him to think, and he said he prayed a lot. He told me just the other day that God did something for him during that time, and he wants to make my life better now. It's been so hard for me to accept as genuine, because 3 decades of neglect can make one suspicious of the futurw. But, he IS doingso much better, but I'm not looking for it like I used to. I had stopped and even distanced myself from him. So, maybe God did help him, but he also had to be willing to be better. So, time will tell.