Excuse me while I blather here
I've noticed that since I've moved out of the house, some of my anxiety over chaos in day to day living is disappearing. I'm smiling more and sleeping better.
Last week my husband texted me wondering if we had any plans for Friday (we celebrate Yule) I texted back no. And that's the truth. I was kind of wondering (and hoping) maybe he would invite all of us to the house for Yule but I haven't heard from him since. I even got him a lovely little gift that would make him smile.
Last night I took my daughter to dinner for her birthday. I got there a little early and while I waited, my son called. (My son and his dog are living at the house with my husband and our old dog at the moment) Most of the conversation was cheerful. Then he mentioned that my husband had gone to his Mom's house for Christmas and my son was supposed to take care of the dogs. I was surprised that my husband went to see his family but it's no big deal except it would be nice to have known especially since our son is not that dependable. I should add that my son has been staying away from the house because it's so messy it makes him anxious too. He mostly stays with a friend (but leaves his dog at the house which is upsetting to me. No dog should be neglected like that. Both his Grandma and I have talked-very gently-about our concerns that his dog is being neglected)
Not one minute later my husband calls me telling me that he went out of town and he could not get ahold of our son to make sure the dogs were taken care of and that my husband did not want to be a part of any animal neglect etc etc etc so would I make sure all was taken care of. So I allowed myself to sucked into drama that was not mine
Called the son back and used my Mommy Voice to get information from him. Evidently those two dogs had been cooped up in the house for over 24 hours. I'm livid. It's not the epic mess I'm sure they caused. It's not that my husband went out of town without telling me . It's that 2 living creatures who are dependent on humans have been neglected. I would have gone over myself to take care of them however the son's dog is a pit and doesn't know me well.
I can't even parse this out. My son, who has crossed so many lines with me to the point where I practically disowned him, has once again done something that crosses ethical lines for me. One does NOT neglect one's dogs Period....... No excuses.... end of story..... don't ask again.
My husband, instead of letting me know his plans, went away willy, nilly and while he was gone,suddenly expected me to solve a problem.
And 2 dogs suffer.......
Tonight I'm suppose to meet with my children for a lovely evening on Christmas Eve. My reactive self (that has been triggered) wants to call my son and tell him not to come-ever. I'm done.
I want to tell my husband that he is an idiot for setting up this problem but of course I'm only supposed to be kind because of his fragile ADHD ego. (who thinks that crap up?)
And on top of all this, my daughter (who is really mature and getting her life together) did not even get a phone call from her dad for her birthday. And I bet you a quarter that if I asked him about it he would say (with massive petulant tone) "Well, SHE didn't call ME on MY birthday!"
And after my daughter arrived for dinner, I had to put on my cheerful face because that's what a Mom does.
Life with ADHDers sucks.
Reminds me of a comment
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I am so sorry that you have this added stress over the holidays.
It reminds me of a comment a recently divorced friend of mine made. She is very healthy. Her ex husband was not. She takes great care of herself. Her doctor told her that she was as healthy as a person 15-20 years younger. She told me that she would never date anyone who could not take care of himself because it would most likely mean that the person could never take care of another person. Some people are just not cut out to help another, human or animal.
I'm really trying hard to put this into adequate words for you but it does seem that this is life with an ADHD'er in a nutshell. People just don't leave willy nilly without making sure pets are cared for. They just don't. People also don't do things willy nilly, going through life expecting someone else to pick up the pieces ALL THE TIME. Normal people also don't choose the most irresponsible, weak link to make sure things are done.
I'm sorry for your daughter. My daughter moved overseas several years ago. It was too much trouble for my ex H to even program his phone with her number, let alone keep in touch. No birthday calls. No Xmas calls for years. No congratulations on your graduation. Nothing. The excuse? "She knew I would never get on an airplane to visit her when she made her choice." PLEEAASSSEEE !!!! Some adulting please. (He had time and attention to cruise many dating sites and inappropriately text family acquaintances, but I digress.)
Of course, if it weren't for the dogs, they could own the mess. No worries. He will create his own future messes that don't involve you having to suck it up.
Thank you Thank you Thank
Submitted by barneyarff on
Thank you Thank you Thank you
If I say anything about this to my husband I will be told (by implication) that I'm nuts and over reacting.
My son will feel bad and then get angry and then who knows.... he won't harm his dog but he could punch a hole in the wall of our house.
And both will act like this isn't a big deal. If it were a one time screw up, then I'd be annoyed but not outraged. It's the time and time and time again with the constant denial that adds up.
It's interesting. All these years I was told by the experts to never ever bring up old stuff to point out a pattern because those poor pitiful ADHDers will get all defensive, etc. Not I'm reading about pointing out patterns, etc. I'm so tired of experts. I'm tired of it all.
If my ADHD family would use 10% of the energy they use to deny and deflect on actually taking care of problems things would go a lot better. But no!
And as usual, I'm supposed to suck it up Yes, today I'm bitter
However I'm also grateful that someone heard me. So very grateful.
What is this ??
Submitted by c ur self on
(People also don't do things willy nilly, going through life expecting someone else to pick up the pieces ALL THE TIME.)
What is going on inside of a person's heart and mind, that would cause this type behavior??.....I have asked myself this 6 million dollar question for 10 years now....It seems like extreme selfishness to me....The reason I say that is because they will be different around different people....So, if they have the ability to be nice and somewhat responsible on a job, or around certain people (friends, children, etc.)...What makes them act out in seemingly completely thoughtless and selfish ways w/ a spouse?? What is up with that competitive drive some have, that want let them relax unless they feel like they are in control?? Is it an inability to trust (relax in a relationship) based on past hurts?? Or again, is it just extreme selfishness?....When life isn't about them, they seem to never truly be at ease....
We have come light years recently, but, this spirit that pops up from time to time is a difficult one to navigate peacefully....example....Let's say we agree to go get Chinese for lunch...5 miles there 5 miles back...No problem....Half way home, out of the blue, she shouts out, turn around, or turn right here..."I want to go here and here"....Hardly ever in question form...Just a demand....She calls it spontaneous thinking...I tell here no it's selfishly trying to force your will on me....I tell her we all have spontaneous thoughts, but, the difference is....Sharing a Spontaneous thought concerning a immediate change in direction or plan, is dealt with calmly whether the parties that you are seeking to switch gears, give you a yes or no....But, when you start pouting, or turn sullen or angry, that is manipulation and control seeking....
Anyway, I was thinking based your comments, you have dealt with this over bearing selfishness....Your husband may regret his lack of interaction w/ his Child some day....I hope so, what does it say about a parent who justifies not making an attempt to stay in contact with their adult children....That's a sad thing....
c
What Is This?
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My ex behaved differently around different people. I don't know if that kind of behavior can be blamed on ADHD, especially when its clear that they know EXACTLY what they are doing. In fact, My Ex-H was very deliberate about it. He only flew into fits of rage, was verbally abusive, spewing venom and contempt towards me when we were ALONE.....all the better for him. He came out of the divorce smelling like a rose, never taking ownership for how his behavior helped to destroy our marriage. His family shaking their heads in disbelief. "How could she leave him, he's such a GREAT guy."
Well Adele...I'm not sure what it is......But, I know this.....
Submitted by c ur self on
It completely STOPS the ability to have anything close to a sane life together...And most people who's thinking and feelings are expressed with this kind of behavior, probably want ever be able to open up about it...Because many don't know themselves!.....The reason I see for it is multiple....This isn't just add/adhd, by no means...It stems from all kinds of dysfunction....
1) Pride 2) Past Hurts (abuse) (the inability to trust) 3) The desire to feel good about our selves (justification of evil) 4) The inability to feel emotion 5) Highly sensitive, and highly emotional 6) Spiritual darkness (reprobate mind) (no moral compass) (no conscience) 7) mental Illness....
(IMO)....When a person can push past their fear, of finding out who they really are, then they have a chance to move into a more peaceful, and sane existence...Our desire to be healed, must out weigh our desire to hide....
c
My younger daughter might be
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My younger daughter might be seeing her dad again (he made a very unexpected trip here for a few hours last week) during her time in state during her holiday break. If she does, she will go to his parents' house, where he has lived for the past few years. She told me that she is concerned that the house might be in a semi-hoarding condition. I agreed with her.
I give my ex credit for being his parents' caregiver. But the care he is providing is not optimal. In some situations, the less-than-optimal care could be written off as a result of caregiver fatigue. But ex has never provided good care. He aims for minimal passing grades. His parents have to have someone in the house with them, so that's what ex provides: a human presence in the house in exchange for his dad not kicking him out.
Sucked In.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your post made me think of a couple of observations and common realties I've experienced. And like your post here, I have read about quiet often....1) So many people who have about as much business w/ a pet, as my 3 year old grandson runs out and gets pets...That end up being mistreated or the responsibility dumped on dear ole Mom, Dad, or spouse.....Sucked in!...2) And speaking of being sucked in, your post reminds me so much of my own life, and so so many others that I have read posts from over the years...Most people in our shoes, usually ends up doing what you have done, getting away from the intrusiveness...Or, staying and running interference for the irresponsible family member/ members...(And living in an angry mind because of it)....Very few people seem to have the ability to administer tough love to the degree, that they can completely refuse to get sucked in to their irresponsible family members intrusive lives...I'm working on myself to do this very thing. It's probably the single hardest change I have ever tried to administer in my own life, it goes against my gifting, to love through service...But, you can't continue to love a strong healthy person through service, who is blind to their abuse of that love.....
I just never want to be angry again, about something that probably (seemingly anyway) will never change, and has nothing to do with my choices in life....I'm sorry you dealt with this type emotion yesterday, I hope today is better for you....
Merry Christmas
c
Thank you for this
Submitted by barneyarff on
Thank you for this
As my therapist says I need to only pick the battles that matter to me
For me neglect/abuse of animals is a deal breaker. I taught my kids better. They KNOW the ethics of this. And I'm ashamed of my son and my husband for the way they have neglected these two dogs. The shame I feel is toxic to me. It's not like they know this and had a meeting but somehow they "know" they can drop the ball and I'll pick it up. It feels passive aggressive to me. I will do what I can for the dogs because this is my ethics system. However, even though they don't see it, this is more evidence that they are not anyone I want in my world. They are bottom feeders in my estimation.
So I have to suck it up for the dogs. I just need to not be so angry. Just like I'm not angry for those whose ethics (or lack of ethics) are evil to my eyes. I only work to fix the problems they make. Biologically though, this is my family. It's in my DNA to hold them close. It's a whole different ballgame.
And I'm really tired of "blaming" this on ADD. Screw that. They need to man up and be responsible.
Anyway...... today was better. Animal neglect is the last straw. Both husband and son need to be out of my life.
And I hope you enjoyed a Merry Yule.