I know it's an unusual forum topic but it's not really about the butter. We leave our butter on the counter and it tends to get too hard to spread. A quick pop on the microwave and it softens. My DH totally melts it every time. I know this seems petty but what the neck I don't care to try and spread melted butter. Why does he not see and remember that it only takes 6 seconds to soften it not one minute. And it's not really about the butter but about my need to be considered as to what I like and his denial in not being able to soften butter without a making a melted mess. I sound petty and selfish...I am just really tired of a million little things such as melted butter.
If his reaction over the whole thing were kindness and oh I'm sorry honey I forgot it would be different. Instead he has a big screaming swearing fit.
This situation sounds
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
This situation sounds familiar to me, generally. I had certain preferences. My ex-husband would forget or ignore those preferences. He would say I was too picky. I acknowledged that perhaps I was too picky. I acknowledged that for our relationship to work I might have to accept very minimal housekeeping contributions and time and attention from him.
And then, he chose to move to his parents' home and become their caregiver and sentenced himself to a long term of servitude for his dad, who is the pickiest, meanest person I know and in whose house my ex must now be nearly 24/7.
I still don't know if my ex's difficulty with paying attention to me and helping me out was within his control or not, but it sure feels yucky that he chose to live with someone who is, if anything, even less accommodating of a person with ADHD.
For me it is about calmly
Submitted by Libby on
For me it is about calmly asking for something. This time it was butter next time could be something totally different. The response will always be the same. In am not sure what he hears when I request things but I am not unreasonable. I do think he doesn't process auditory things properly.
Thinking of you, PoisonIvy
Submitted by jennalemone on
That is crazy-making! And if a spouse does not share his thoughts or feelings, you try to guess and then try to figure out what you did wrong or what you COULD have done differently. You probably did everything just right. HE was someone who just couldn't take the responsibility and teamwork that it takes to be a grownup father and husband....so he retreated to his boyhood where he could be a cute, naughty boy and pretend that he is the sacrificial strong caretaker. He seems like a child. Or at least, someone who is not able to be aware of his situation and surroundings....just in his own world of self. I am sorry you got to this point and have to realize, like I do, that all those years you tried so hard, it was going to be a lost cause in the end. So much disappointment and lost faith in humanity and control. We get to realize and eventually accept that some things are beyond our control and it is maddening that we didn't know these things sooner. I hear you PoisonIvy.
I also felt sometimes as
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I also felt sometimes as though my ex hated to have done things "wrong" and dealt with his feelings of being "wrong" by getting mad at the other person. Apologizing was not one of his strong points.
Butter and conflict
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, Libby / all,
From time to time my husband and I have periods of conflict about every little thing, then somehow we pull out of it. We have been in one of those periods lately, and your butter story is exactly the kind of conflict we've been having. My husband makes a lot of mistakes, and he is hypersensitive to criticism. That's a bad combination. He goes on the attack to preempt the criticism he expects to get. In our good periods, I'm more tactful than in our bad periods. During those, I feel more frustrated, less tolerant, and possibly resentful, partly because his mistakes affect both of us. Our bad feelings feed off each other. We spiral down.
I'm sure you know of many solutions to the butter issue - his and hers butter dishes, keeping the house a little warmer, you name it - but that is not the real issue. To resolve that, you both have to interact in a different way. For me and my husband, sometimes we can do that, and sometimes we fall into the old patterns. We keep trying.
All the best,
Angie
The butter
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I get this. I think we all come on here seeking support about the "big" things like loneliness and finances and intimacy, etc., but there are so many "little" things that add up, too. My husband forgets to put the milk away or leaves the bread out and open and they often go bad on the counter because I didn't catch it in time. He forgets to close cupboards and drawers constantly. He takes off his clothes in every room in the house and just leaves them there, underwear included. He takes change out of his pocket in whatever room he's in and just leaves it scattered all over the floor. He pours too much water in the coffee maker consistently so the cup overflows almost every day, making a huge mess he only occasionally cleans up (everyone else fills a cup with water and dumps it in and gets the same amount of liquid out as was originally put in... he just can't/won't do this for some reason... just like your hubby with the butter). He eats food he knows I have set aside for my daughter's school lunch the next day or bought specifically as a treat for her. He gets out of the shower sopping wet and walks around, leaving slippery/dangerous pools of water everywhere instead of having a towel handy and drying off like everyone else. He forgets to lock our doors. And that's just the start. These things are pretty much every day... not occasionally... every day.
And what can we do when our husbands refuse treatment or aren't being optimally treated? I have asked so nicely so many times and nothing changes. He thinks I'm being a nag, but I am totally exhausted from cleaning up a million of these seemingly "little" things every single day or making extra trips to the store I don't have time for. And if I don't clean things up myself, I have to ask him multiple times, which results in the yelling and swearing you described. Or results in me or my daughter slipping and falling in the bathroom while I wait for him to get to it. Or coffee that stays permanently spilled down the kitchen cupboards and on the floor because he is just fine with leaving it like that. It. Is. Maddening.
You don't sound petty and selfish at all. I totally get it.
The untidiness (a mild word,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
The untidiness (a mild word, I know) that you describe, 1Melanie1, reminds me of my ex-husband's behavior. I don't know if he doesn't "see" things or if he chooses to ignore the items he leaves where they drop.
Thank you for this. I really
Submitted by Libby on
Thank you for this. I really needed to hear the validation today. I am weary of the messes but mostly of not having a voice in my own home and life. I have become silent in the chaos just to keep the peace.
It's the Chinese Water Torture
Submitted by barneyarff on
The overfilling the coffee every morning and not cleaning it up is a version of the Chinese Water Torture. It's not the one drop of water hitting you, it's the millions of drops of water slowly hitting you in the same place for years. Yet, until recently we were never supposed to address the pattern of behavior, only the most recent coffee mess. Of course that makes us look nuts. Why are we bent out of shape because this morning the coffee overflowed and the person didn't clean it up? (and of course he was GOING TO clean it up just before we went balistic over this but he'll be damned if he's going to do it now) And that looks like gaslighting to me. Gaslighting is cruel and makes a person crazy. And I got no solutions. Except for me, I left. Lots fewer Chinese water tortures. More health and happiness.
Oh I get it too. It's not
Submitted by dvance on
Oh I get it too. It's not the butter exactly, it's the lack of awareness that any other person exists except them. Setting aside intent for a moment, setting aside how many times we ask, remind, nag, whatever you call it, it's that no one's comfort matters except theirs. I cannot even tell you how much time and money DH has cost me over the years-the amount of gifts unused and returned, which takes my time, the amount of gift cards purchased for things he asked for that were forgotten about and expired so that was money wasted. It just happened this Christmas--bought him three shirts and three sweaters...that he asked for. Two of the sweaters and one of the shirts already went back. I am not even attempting to replace them. They were XXL and were too small. They don't come any bigger. But that's not the issue. It's that their way is the only/best way and that's all there is. It doesn't make them easy or nice to live with, that's for sure. All these teeny things-if we were to complain about them to our friends who have "normal" partners we would look nuts but they add up. And it's not funny or cute or quirky-it's immature and stupid behavior that most reasonable adults would make a serious attempt to remedy in the interest of accommodating a partner that they care about. The shrugging and saying, "well, this is me" gets really old. An adult, even an ADHD adult, could hang onto the information that butter only needs 6 seconds to melt. My DH can hang onto all kinds of information...that he cares about. That's the kicker: how do WE become something they care enough to attend to?? That's the thing I have no figured out and have given up trying to figure out. In my house I am simply an obstacle in his path to doing things his own weird way. When we separate I cannot imagine what his living space will look like. I likely won't see it, but I do wonder.
It's not petty and selfish--it's wanting to be SEEN by an adult who we kinda thought was going to see us and did not follow through on that.
"how do WE become something
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"how do WE become something they care enough to attend to??"
This.
the most interesting person
Submitted by vabeachgal on
PI,
I think we would spend the rest of our lives turning ourselves inside out - still accommodating - trying to make ourselves the most interesting person in the world to maintain their affection and interest and keep the endorphin rush going. I don't think that is ultimately sustainable without both parties working on it. Otherwise, it is the old dynamic of one person making the effort and the other receiving the benefits of the work. It's never getting your bucket filled. For which purpose do you want to keep turning yourself inside out? To keep the wheels on the bus? To regain interest? It seems exhausting and as if you would actually have to both things simultaneously.
I did exactly that. My H was like a pig in slop. He thought life was grand. It didn't change any of his behavior. Even with therapy. It made him think that the therapy had worked with magic and pixie dust. I did what was asked. He did not. I had his full attention but it is was physcially, emotionally and psychologically unsustainable without him meeting me halfway. It was all take, take, take. In fact, I could probably distill our problems into two words - taker and giver.
As the Commander of your ADHDer's 'Support Group' you have faded
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Again I'll note this analogy: as probably the Commander of your ADHDer's 'Support Group' you have faded into the role of 'Pit Crew' for the ADHDer. You anticipate needs (i.e. acknowledge there is a 'future'), stockpile supplies (i.e. pay bills on time), scramble to resolve 'crises' (i.e. resolve ever-changing list of 'problems') that might disturb your ADHDer's 'random walk thru reality', and receive scorn when you expect some emotional recompense for sucking in all those exhaust fumes as your ADHDer zooms away around the track again. We all seem to ask 'why me?' but fate seems to answer, 'You are screwed! Get used to it!"
Yes, I came to the conclusion
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Yes, I came to the conclusion that I was basically a non-entity in the marriage. I hadn't been seen as an individual for a very long time. The other day I felt a little "icky". I stopped in shock. It was a bad feeling. I stopped in shock because I hadn't felt it for 6 months. It was entirely within my control to stop the "icky" so I did. It made me realize that I lived in a constant state of internal "icky" during the marriage but I didn't have an adequate arsenal of resources or skill to stop it. I wasn't in control. My ADHD H was.
It's not the butter
Submitted by Dagmar on
It's the repeated mistakes. It's crazy-making. We had new floors put in, and he just kept falling all over the place. It was ridiculous, and he would get mad at me for not having sympathy. Yes, the floors are slippery. Yes, I slipped once or twice. But then I learned that the floors were slippery and changed my behavior.
It's not just that he doesn't have consideration for you, it's that the entire world is expected to accommodate him.
Ditto
Submitted by Dagmar on
I pretty much said what Dvance did, so clearly we all have the same issues.
carpeting installed over your new floors to solve the problem
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I'll wait to hear your DH contracted to have $25,000 worth of carpeting installed over your new floors to solve the problem. (Without telling you ahead of time... but you knew that part already.)
After reading most of these posts....I have a Q....
Submitted by c ur self on
How do we live with our spouses, without allowing their behaviors to effect us?
c
Dearest C,
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Because hindsight is such a wonderful thing....And it can be used to pave the way to a better life. I refuse to allow MY ONLY life to be side swiped any longer. Hindsight has afforded me to see the "red flags" that my naiveness and immaturity didn't. Not my husband's fault. It has helped me " see " my own issues. Not my husbands fault. What do I wish I had done differently .....that I am doing now? I wish I had left him while loving him like I did for 45 years BECAUSE unaddressed, denied ADHD is NOT DOABLE in DAILY LIVING circumstances in a close relationship.
I can love him truly, honestly and respectfully BUT I cannot LIVE with him. I would have given him a time frame of 6 months of diligent my butt is on fire and I am putting those flames out.
I will add that ADHD is not the only issue with my H and while navigating between 2 mental health issues can be hairy way too often I would have not skipped a beat in stepping up AS LONG AS he stepped up too. It wouldn't be marriage if just one of us shows up!
In my humble opinion there are too many people
devaluing their lives....their kids lives and even their spouses lives. All to save a marriage? ....that has all the appearances of not being a marriage? A marriage is about people....It is not an institution...cold, bleak and foreboding....who would fight to live in that?
I am all for Jesus journey C. To love and be loved.
Thank you Zapp...So wonderfully articulated....
Submitted by c ur self on
Such wonderful thoughts about the beauty of marriage, and what does and doesn't constitute one....Yep Sister, it takes two committed to have one!
Bless You...I hope 2019 finds you experiencing a truly contented and peaceful life!
c
Good question
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I don’t have an answer, only my own experience. I couldn’t. I see a counselor who is excellent every week. Maybe I will ask him. But I believe that relationships are meant to be mutually supportive and interdependent. You are supposed to be able to turn to your partner and trust that they will be there for you.
I think you can detach somewhat from your partners flaws as long as you are somewhat seen and somewhat heard and somewhat acknowledged. If all of that is lacking, I don’t know that we can’t help but be affected by our spouses behaviour. We are spouses, not psychologists.
Dependent Origination,
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Your sign off has always captured my heart. The wisdom in it is inspiring to me and also gives me a view of the person who uses it. You speak well the thoughts of your mind and I just wanted you to know, that for me, I have found comfort and counsel in many of your posts. So good to hear from you.
LOL I actually wrote it down
Submitted by vabeachgal on
LOL I actually wrote it down and I keep the saying in my wallet!
In its entirety
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I had to shorten it down to fit it into the sign off. Here is the quote in its entirety:
To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion, to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart, to bear all cheerfully, to all bravely await occasions, hurry never. In a word, to let the spiritual unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony.
William Henry Channing
It was definitely a beacon for me in all of the chaos and insanity of my 6 year marriage.
RE: Butter
Submitted by Dutchman on
I'm new here so I'm not sure how this works but I'll give it my best shot. Read the comment on butter (as well as other threads (Cupboard Doors, etc.)) and they all hit home. The butter is spot on. My wife does the exact same thing but I'll go one step further: she heats up milk in the microwave for her coffee and she'll set it for full power for 2 minutes...the end result is often times bubbled over milk on the turn-table or splattered all over the sides. I try to explain to her how to adjust the power setting but she always goes full NUKE every time. If I'm not there in clean up right away, the milk remains only to be cooked and re-cooked after successive uses of the microwave...
I just wanted to say that I feel your frustration.