The following was part of today's Weekly Marriage Tips email, from ADHD & Marriage:
"I remember my own years of saying ‘no.’ I felt confined. I felt like the ‘bad guy’ in the family. My kids even joked about ‘mean mom coming out of the glove compartment’ one day in the car when I was particularly cranky.
You don’t have to say ‘yes’ all the time, as Rhimes did for her book experiment. But what would happen if you said ‘yes’ 50% more?
And, no, I’m not talking about saying yes to anything that puts you or your family in danger, or that will ruin you financially. I’m not suggesting you become stupid…only more open to the possibilities that life sends your way.
Here’s what I discovered when I started to say ‘yes’ much more often. ‘No’ was getting in my way. ‘No’ took away my power. ‘No’ kept me isolated.
I dare you – try it!"
I didn't keep count, but I'm pretty sure I said "yes" more than my ex-husband did. Why is it assumed that the non-ADHD partners are the buzz killers?
Yes
Submitted by Dagmar on
I totally thought that, too. My husband says "yes" to whatever his latest obsession is and going home. He likes to go home a lot and he doesn't say "yes" to me very often without a fight.
He thinks I agree to too much. He's currently trying to get me to quit volunteering at my kids' school because it takes up 45 minutes a week.
Yes
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
When I was married, I was the Yes person in our relationship.
I was afraid to say "No", because I feared my husband's rage if I didn't go along with what he wanted.
I still say Yes quite a bit in my current relationship, depending on what it is. I said Yes to going out on Lake Erie in my BF's 22 ft sailboat, in rough waters. I am a non swimmer, and even with a life jacket I was frozen in fear most of the trip. I knew I was not going to drown, but I still had anxiety about it. I said Yes for my BF. At the time, he had an active You Tube channel, and produced sailing videos.
I wasn't afraid of water until my husband decided to hold me under the water in his Uncle's pool, to teach me how to hold my breath.
For me, saying Yes had all kinds of repercussions when I was married. For those of you who have read my other posts, my Ex-H was abusive.
Can't take "yes" for an answer
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
I am generally the "no" person. No, we can't afford to go do Disney this year. No, we shouldn't eat out. Etc.
A compounding problem is that my wife won't take "yes" for an answer sometimes. We'll get into a fight, I will give in (say "yes" to what she wants), but she will keep hammering away as if I was still saying "no, no, no."
My 'Yes' rejected due to not having acceptable motivation
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I often had to be concerned with 'how' I said 'yes' during an argument. If my ADHD wife thought I did not have acceptable motivation for agreeing with her she would get even more angry (i.e. enraged) and then the original issue would be forgotten completely.
Both
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I said yes to quite a bit. Much of it willingly but many things were also despite my better judgment. Things like expensive purchases, trips or other things that seemed like a bad idea but weren't entirely my place since we were not married...for example, situations that he needed to navigate with his adult children or estranged wife. It was the things that involved me doing something that put me in harms way where I said no.
No, I will not buy a house with you while you are still married. No, I will not come back over to your house until you get the heat and the appliances fixed. No, I do not want to visit your sister because she attacks me about my politics every time I go over there. No, I don't wish to have dinner with "Joe" (Misogynist Male Friend Number 3) because I don't like him, but you're welcome to go. No, I don't want to stop and have drinks at midnight on a Tuesday with your bartender friend because I have work in the morning. That sort of thing.
I got a lot of anger unleashed at me for saying no to those things, or for telling him that I didn't think something he was buying or doing was a wise idea, but I don't regret it.
Saying no kept me safe from financial, physical and emotional harm more often than not.
Yes or No.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes was my go to in the early years of our marriage....Why Not? I would think, sounds like fun...***It took a while, but, I found out why not***.....The past 6 years, I'm probably 70/30 No over Yes....I usually don't have to say No as often these days...Because I'm training her (attempting to) to ask me questions about my feelings, related to her thoughts...VS's...Just hitting me with a statement of want...Expecting agreement (Yes) without the courteousness of a discussion of my feelings....She doesn't like it...lol...The way her tunnel visioned, add thinking works. Her mind is dominated by thoughts, (most are about frivolity related issues, anything she deems as fun or entertaining for her personally). and she rarely considers if it's good for me. (or others, like children or friends) So she presents it many times like you are bad, if you aren't in agreement....I just stare at her when she attempts this now.....Then after a moment....I say...Are you wanting to ask me a question?...Sometimes she realizes what she is doing, and backs up and frames it as a question...Other times, she may just walk off while letting out a ugly word...LOL....She hasn't done that in a while....It didn't help! Ha Ha.....
c
Well...
Submitted by Brindle on
I’ve been the “no” on a lot of things. Long before we had any idea that adhd was a part of the picture, he’d talk all the time about these plans he had, and I would see all the realities of why his hare-brained schemes were not feasible. So when I would say, “But, that requires thousands in investment (or whatever logical objection there was), and we are flat broke and barely making it...!” then he would get so angry at me for “ruining everything.” I had truly never heard a single person in my life come up with such wild daydreams and be so unreasonable- the very definition of unreasonable - when I pointed out the obvious. I eventually just ignored his wild plans. They don’t happen. I think he just likes how good it feels to imagine himself as the investor or the guy with all the degrees, etc.
I try to compromise on things where I can, so I do offer some yes-es, but he will refuse to compromise. It’s his entire plan or nothing. Ok, then.
Woke up to this after way too long
Submitted by adhd32 on
Same here Brin. I used to listen to his ridiculous ideas and put the kibosh on them. I was thinking 2 steps ahead and giving a logical explanation as to why they would not work. Then we would end up in an argument. He would say you never support my ideas, you think I'm stupid, I'm not an idiot, blah, blah, blah. I finally woke up, even before ADD made the radar, and realized that very few of his ideas ever came to fruition. Now I listen and nod. I do speak up with a clear NO when some idea could be disastrous because in the event he actually follows through and things go badly he will blame me- "you said to do it"!
Yes
Submitted by Brindle on
“You never support me” - yes. Does yours also seem to think that supporting him means you go along with everything he wants?
Support
Submitted by adhd32 on
Yes to him support means backing up ALL his beliefs and ideas. When it try to point out a more rational view or a reason someone could be doing something a certain way he says that I am taking their side over him. If someone makes a driving error I give them the benefit of the doubt since it is entirely possible they are distracted because they are coming from the funeral home where they just made arrangements. If someone in a store is rude I just assume they have something going on because Lord knows each of us here can relate. H feels each scenario is a personal attack and how dare I make "excuses" for for them and not back him up. If he had an ounce of empathy he would see I am not taking someone's side over him I am being benevolent.. Conversely, when the shoe is on the other foot and he is in a tight spot, the whole world should be accommodating to his needs.