My husband (and the love of my life) has ADD.
For the past 11 years, I have accepted that his strengths lie mostly in inconspicuous places: he is thoughtful with others, focused when fixing big machines, grateful for his hard work, observant of all that is going on in American politics, fun and jolly when talking with other guys, goes above and beyond the call of duty at work, full of zeal when it’s time to go to the bar to meet his buddies, super extra talkative with other women... That last one, is the killer.
I have read a lot about adult ADD... I try as best as I can to be the good wife, the good friend, the patient assistant, the caring coach... It seemed all worth it until I found out that my husband was leading a double life... Telling women he met that I was his good friend and roommate.
We went to couples’ counseling for about a dozen sessions... but in truth, I do not feel that the psychologist really understood what it means to live with ADD for either of us. My husband seemed to feel that he needed someone to listen to him, apparently something I was not doing. We agreed to turn a new page and went on a super vacation... I felt that getting the affair out in the open had helped some, and some discussions indicated that he felt really badly about the whole thing... Maybe, there was some hope for us...
Just about a year later, a couple of weeks before Christmas, I found some chats my husband took part in with 2 women, one chat from the women he had been involved with for six months, and another where he was engaging in some silly sex talk with... an old teenage flame rekindled through Facebook. The first seemed to be breaking up with him, telling him that she didn’t want to loose him completely... the other, trying to figure out a way to meet up on a vacation, without me knowing... Yada yada yada... I feel so hurt and discouraged... all the time.
When I confronted him, we agreed to deal with our problems after the holidays, because my in-laws were coming for a two week visit... But now, I’m not quite sure how to approach the topic. I never know if he is telling me the truth, and for sure, this is not a conversation that neither of us are looking forward to. Whether the cheating was (is?) physical or emotional, I’m not sure. Either way, it is destroying the relationship.
Is it even possible to reason in honesty with the ADD mind?
There are no qualified psychologists that specialize on adult ADD around here to lean on for support...
If you don't have children
Submitted by adhd32 on
Get out now. I don't understand why you aren't outraged. Approach the topic by telling him he either makes his life completely transparent or pack up and leave. Do not waste any more time being understanding, a good wife and a patient assistant. Nothing will change, he will just get better at covering his tracks. The most expert ADHD specialist will not change your situation, only your husband's commitment to your relationship can do that and he has shown you more than once that his commitment is elsewhere. You are a better woman than I am, I would have cancelled the in-law visit and if they asked why, I would have told them the truth. Stop worrying about his feelings and make yourself a priority, you have done nothing wrong.
Thank You ADHD 32...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thank you for your reply ADHD32... I would probably have given the same advice to someone else...
We have no children, but I wondered how much of his restlessness, his impulsive and risky behavior, as well as his inability to understand how his behavior affects others might be due to ADHD. Other than the secret female friends, we have a pretty great life together.
My husband was diagnosed when we first started living together (but we had known each other for many years prior) after I noticed that he had a learning disability. Many things made sense all of the sudden: a son with severe ADHD, his struggle in school, his hyper-focus on certain things, his inattention, his short fuse, his lack of motivation around the house, his lack of organization, his inability to manage finances... his off and on depression... impulsiveness... and so on.
At that time, I suggested he try medication. It made him feel awful, but I encouraged him to persist since it did help him achieve his education goal. He took the drug for about 2 years, and shared his concerns several times with his specialist, but this specialist ignored his concerns and kept increasing the dosage. The drug, Vyvanse, eventually made him impotent.
I think you are quite right though, in that complete transparency is the only thing that might make some difference. I am truly at the end of my rope.... I am trying to keep my cool because I know for a fact that nothing productive can happen if I approach him with anger and accusations.
I truly appreciate that you took the time to respond to my post.
Kind regards,
MostlyFeelingHurtAllTheTime
Worry about yourself.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I have to agree with what adhd32 said. If you don't have children together, you should consider leaving him.
His having ADD is not an excuse to cheat. It doesn't matter if it's emotional or physical cheating.... your husband telling other women that you're "just a friend" tells me that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Your husband shouldn't be friends with or in contact with a woman he used to date.
You cannot trust him. Leaving him to fend for himself with his parents coming in from out of town would have been the thing to do. Then he would have had to explain to his parents why you weren't there .
Thank you so much...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thank you so much for reading, and taking the time to write back. Yes, indeed something extreme will have to happen, one way or another... And very soon.
Now that the stress of the holidays is over, I can focus on me and what I need. Again, I thank you for your response.
Kind regards,
I apologize
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
...if my post sounded a bit harsh. I have had issues with lying in the past, both from my Ex-husband and my current ( ADD ) boyfriend. In fact, I caught my BF in a lie last week. I feel like he thinks I'm a dumb***, that he can get away with not telling me what he has been doing, and that I'm never going to find out. I have made it safe for him to tell me anything, but he still feels the compulsion to lie. I'm seriously reconsidering our relationship at this point. I'm 53, and I was married for 20 years to an abusive and controlling man..who also lied. I want to live my life with joy and happiness moving forward. I don't want to live with the anxiety of " He lied about this, what else has he lied to me about?"
I am sorry for the pain you are feeling....You deserve better, and so do I.
A
Cheating
Submitted by Brindle on
You described things in a less emotional way than you must be feeling. I’m so, so sorry for the pain.
I say this gently, but seriously- by telling others that you’re not his wife, he is showing his true colors. This isn’t about ADD symptoms anymore. This is about his character. And he has chosen again and again to betray you. Even if, even if, even IF cheating is easier because of ADD, it doesn’t make him continue the lies and the double life over and over. And plenty of ADD men and women despise the thought of adultery and work to avoid it. He gets NO passes on this.
My guess? The only way you’re going to get him to deal with you honestly is to be firm with him. Make amends and change things now or else. Become very open and transparent or else. If you waffle, he will take advantage of that. Are you normally a very accommodating person? Do you have trouble standing up for yourself? You’re going to need to find your strength, if so. Otherwise, he will definitely do more of the same, and the pain will continue.
I wouldn’t worry too much about how to bring it up. Just bring it up. Be blunt and straightforward. This conversation isn’t one to be timid about.
Personally? If I were in this situation, he would have burned through his second chance already when it happened more than once. But this is your life and your decision. Stand up for what you want and hold him to it.
I took so long to reply that
Submitted by Brindle on
I took so long to reply that I see I said things I didn’t need to, by seeing your other responses now. Again, I’m so sorry for your pain, and I hope he takes a good look at himself because of this.
Thank you Brindle...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thank you Brindle, none of what you said has gone on deaf ears... I really appreciate you taking the time for a stranger... and I am grateful for the many words of wisdom afforded on this topic...
Good sense sometimes needs an incubating period... ;)
Kind regards,
MostlyFeelingHurt
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
First of all, I am so glad you're here and reaching out. So sorry for what you're going through. From a third party perspective, I feel like my move would be to move out and put any intentions to change to the test. Like another poster said, he has used up his second chance already. I think we make it so easy for our ADHD spouses to keep making the same mistakes because we keep putting up with them and continue in our roles as good spouse/friend/support. My husband doesn't care that I'm irate or upset or so anxious I can`t sleep... his primary care is that he continues to live life on his terms. He can handle my strong emotions way more easily than he could handle actually making a change within himself.
I'm sure after the first time you discovered his lies, you told him "never again." Now he has done it again but he sees you staying again and even being his accomplice in hiding his transgressions by playing nice with his parents. Because you have no children, what if you left? If you still want to be with him ultimately, that doesn`t have to be forever, but maybe until he proves to you 100% that he is committed to you and to change. Maybe that means going to therapy for 6 months to a year... being honest with his family about what he has done and why you left.... no more Facebook and going no contact with the old flames... no more lies or new secret relationships... remaining faithful to you over the period apart. No matter what it means, you`d be demanding accountability over a long stretch of time with conditions he must meet before you would consider returning. He would see you were serious and either step up and prove how serious he is about your relationship or screw up and prove he isn't willing to do the work.
But I know all that is easier said than done and I know what it`s like to be in the middle of a nightmare where you can't see any truly good options. I know what it's like to long for what you were promised and probably even had for a while and look for any glimmer of hope that it is still possible to attain again.
To echo another poster, ADHD does not have to equal infidelity. This is not a symptom you have to manage or be patient with.
Maybe it would be clear if you imagined your best friend or sister in this situation. What would you advise them to do?
Hugs to you and hope you can find your way through this.
Some of the best, most insightful information I've read here
Submitted by barneyarff on
First of all, I am so glad you're here and reaching out. So sorry for what you're going through. From a third party perspective, I feel like my move would be to move out and put any intentions to change to the test. Like another poster said, he has used up his second chance already. I think we make it so easy for our ADHD spouses to keep making the same mistakes because we keep putting up with them and continue in our roles as good spouse/friend/support. My husband doesn't care that I'm irate or upset or so anxious I can`t sleep... his primary care is that he continues to live life on his terms. He can handle my strong emotions way more easily than he could handle actually making a change within himself.
Incredible wisdom in that paragraph I may have to write it down and carry it around in my day timer.
Brava!!!
So well said 1Melody1
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thank you for your sincere words 1Melody1. I have never tried discussion forums before, and I have found much comfort just in knowing that someone was listening... I thank everyone who responded for that.
We made some progress today... My husband has agreed to share all his passwords, including his Apple password, so that I will always know where he is and who he is talking to... He will cut all ties with any females that are not mutual friends of ours. We also will be going to an adult ADD group meeting once a month, hopefully starting in February. That’s a start.
Kind regards,
1Melody1
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Your post resonated with me....
I think we make it so easy for our ADHD spouses to keep making the same mistakes because we keep putting up with them and continue in our roles as good spouse/friend/support. My husband doesn't care that I'm irate or upset or so anxious I can`t sleep... his primary care is that he continues to live life on his terms.
After reading your post, I thought again about a conversation I had with my BF before New Year's Eve. Once again, he didn't tell me something, and of course, I found out about it...I always do. Then I started thinking that he continues to "lie by omission" because there are no consequences for his lying. I've lost my appetite over this, and lost sleep because I stew over it, and cannot fall asleep some nights. I think I'm back to my old codependent behaviors that were my go-to with my ex husband.
I'm seriously re considering my future with him. He says he wants to get married someday, after my daughter goes to college, but I don't want to feel "trapped" in a marriage to someone who thinks its OK to not tell me things, or outright lie to my face.
I need to change how I react. I was unable to leave for various reasons this last time, but in the future I need to leave, or do something so that he feels a consequence to his actions.
Take Good Care
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
One thing is for sure, relationships are not easy in the whole. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. LOL.
I have read quite a bit about ADD and sometimes I feel like it has ruined me... ;) Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's hard at times to know if you are doing too much... not enough. In the end, you have to do what works for YOU, and that doesn't always match what others feel you should do. And that's ok.
Follow your heart, stay positive and most of all, treasure your independence. The rest will fall into place...
Take good care,
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Submitted by jennalemone on
I've looked at life with my ADD H from all sides now. And still somehow, it's life's illusions I recalled. I really didn't know life at all.
That was then, when I had hope beyond hope. Now I am old and I made my choices. Many choices made were not to my benefit. And It is no longer life's illusions that I am recalling. Dear ADDers, if your spouse stays around for 40 years, they WILL eventually stop giving you passes and options and allowances. They WILL recall (with fervent emotion) the crying they did for years(even if you hardly noticed). They will take the blinders off of their aging eyes and you will both be left with opposite memories. The leftover feeling of regret and disregard that kills a person's OKness does not disappear with time but rather it festers. The lies told will have taken their toll on your partner's trust in you. The times you independently, defiantly held your ground will have worn any chance of teamwork out of the partnership. The silly jokey sassy postures you have done while your partner was in pain will have worn the sparkle out of their perception of you. Dear spouse of an ADDer, if you can't trust or be proud of the relationship because you were the one futilely putting in MOST of the work, it will not magically change in your later years together. The ONLY way for you to stay in this relationship is for you to:
• Shake things up about 4 times a year with "I'm leaving"....then leave. If he promises to change....which he will for a few months, come back and reap the benefits of his renewed awareness of the fact that you are a person with feelings and needs.
• Shake things up about 4 times a year with "Your things are in your car. You don't contribute to this relationship. Find some place that will give you the fun and silliness you need to feel whole. I am a person who wants to be sane and not be manipulated and gaslighted and made crazy by your inability to share life fairly." Then lock the door for a few nights while he makes a loud fuss...but ignore that like he has ignored you and called your "fussing" crazy. When he comes back, and he will, you will have a few weeks of him actually trying to participate with you.
• Tell his family, factually and without emotion and in front of him, how he treats you and the things that are most bothersome about what he says to you. Not in a complaining way, but just checking to see if this is the way he treats the whole family or is it just you. This information will be valuable to you....listen to them. Chances are gus siblings had to put up with him in the same what you are.
• Don't take things personally. I thought I was helping H for him to have more confidence and abilities. I thought I saw something inside of him that was strong and logical. What I saw when we were young is a young, fun bucking bronco but he didn't have it in him to become partners in a give and take relationship. He only wanted to reap the benefits and be absent to take responsibility or care. I guess I thought I could tame him and he would love me. DON'T marry someone with thoughts that you will be good for him and he will appreciate your work long term...he will not see or forget.
There is no way I had not tried to perceive him, change him, change myself. I have done the only things I could do (other than leave permenantly...which financially I can't now). I have had to become independent of him. Can't partner by yourself. So, dear young ones, if you DON'T want to live the rest of your life independent and defensively from your spouse; if you are able to NOT take anything he does or says personally; if you don't need a plus-one on your journey through life; if you are able to be happy living a single life with someone who now and then breaks your heart and your pride; if you are willing-- every few months have a showdown/kickass/border patrol scene without too much of your own energy being centered around corrraling him into family life, then stay with your ADD. I have found that the only thing that WOULD have saved me was for me to open my eyes to things I didn't want to see. To say Goodbye with love and to find my own partner to love and be loved.
Very well put
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I couldn't say it better. I chose not to see until I could no longer be blind.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this....
Submitted by c ur self on
I know it's hurtful...His add isn't causing this....Cheating isn't a head thing...It's a heart thing....It's obvious you love him very much...And it's obvious that you hope he repents (see's his sin) seeks your forgiveness, so hopefully you two can move on with your lives....I hope so to!.
You have a good heart...I will pray for you both...
c
Really appreciate the kind words...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thank you for your kind words... I think that for my husband, the cheating (the emotional affairs) is quite complicated, and deeply rooted in topics he cannot even bring himself to discuss out loud even with himself.
A few years ago, I encouraged him (and he has always trusted my advice) to take Vyvanse so that he could finish his studies and the drug made him impotent. Before that, we had the best 7-8 years of my life. About 18 months after he started taking it, I noticed a change in him. But I didn't really pay much attention until it was too late, and apparently irreversible.
It was right then that I was in a severe car crash and could not walk for about 2 months... I was hit on the highway at night going 110 km/hr, my car was air born and I landed in a body of water... my car was drowning and I was trapped inside. The driver who hit me did not stop... and I was very very lucky to get out alive. From then on, our intimacy just faded, partly because I was in pain all the time. I was quite happy that he did not push the issue. 3 years later, I still struggle with everyday life and work... but still, so lucky to be alive.
I guess I feel guilty for not paying attention to the signs, and for not caring for a long time...
Prayers are always a good thing, and I thank you for that.
Kind regards,
You are blaming yourself in this post
Submitted by adhd32 on
He had affairs and you are blaming yourself because you were severely injured and concentrated on getting your health back. You blame yourself for the side effects of his medication even saying " I didn't pay much attention until it was too late". He was taking it, what was he paying attention to? You didn't cause him to have ADD and you cannot control it. Any change has to come from him. You can adjust your reactions but you cannot change him or stop his behaviors. Do not blame yourself for his actions, he CHOSE his behavior, it is all his .
Absolutely...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thanks for reading. For sure, I feel to blame for some part...
Kind regards,
Amen
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I second your comments, adhd32.
MostlyFeelingHurtAllTheTime: Your husband is a grown man. ADHD or not, he chose his behavior. Don't feel guilty, OR take responsibility for his actions.
I was married to an abusive and controlling man for 17 years. The number he did on me mentally/emotionally was devastating. I blamed myself for years for his behavior. The terrible things I said to myself damaged my self esteem: " If only I were: Thinner, more attractive, more attentive to his every need, a better cook, a better housekeeper...better in bed...he wouldn't have to treat me like this."
BULLS**T
I understand...There is always two sides to every story....
Submitted by c ur self on
When my first (late) wife had cancer, she was in a lot of pain, and going through a lot of personal turmoil...Things changed in our relationship...And, rightfully so...I was 50 at the time. Sex has always been very important to me...(highly motivatied in that area)...But as I cared for her, over that year of surgery's and treatments. That urge and the thought of it, just faded into the back ground (maybe it was a God thing)...I remember once in her kindness, she pulled me down beside her and told me to make love to her....I remember being shocked, and saying we aren't doing that!...And she said, yes we are!....So we tenderly did;)
I guess me feelings about these things are two fold....One is, if we are truly committed (without excuse) to the responsibilities of being one....And we have working bodies in any form (sexual organs, mouths, hands) we will find a way to give pleasure and release to one another....But secondly and more important is...If I or she is unable, or refuses conjugal rights to the other...There is still never a reason to betray our wedding vows....But, we are human, and when we depend solely on our own will power to "do right", we all can come up lacking from time to time....That is way I need Jesus..(power to live, power to love, and a sound mind)....Grace!
c
Just got to say
Submitted by adhd32 on
It is impossible for me to be intimate with someone I don't respect. That is not to say we don't have sex. But when he is finished carrying on about some injustice or has ignored me for days I do not have any desire. I am spriritual and believe in God but consider the Bible the work of men not the literal words spoken by God. I believe in equality and mutual respect, not submission. I need to feel respect and love. I don't like feeling that the only time I am worth his attention is when he is feeling amorous, it makes me feel used not loved.
Agreed.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My ex husband did not respect me. He only gave me positive attention and asked me how my day was when he wanted sex. I felt dirty and used.
I understand 32....
Submitted by c ur self on
A healthy attachment starts long before the bedroom....A little kindness and thoughtfulness goes a long way....
c
Our beliefs 32....Our right as individuals to demand to be wrong
Submitted by c ur self on
(I am spriritual and believe in God but consider the Bible the work of men not the literal words spoken by God. I believe in equality and mutual respect, not submission.)
What ever the reason (usually immaturity, believing a lie told me by a human, self love and pride, or, just plain ignorance about a subject pertaining to life in the flesh and eternal life, spirit life) I have witnessed something about myself and others through out my 62 years of life in this body...My growth has been stunted for season's...sometimes very long seasons...And some things I am very sure (positive!) I am still in great need of, when it comes to revelation of truth....
I just wanted to say, I to believe in equality and mutual respect...But neither hinders or cancels the reality of submission....Without submission there would be no law abiding citizens, there would be no obedient children, and there could never be a working marriage...(Human's are innately selfish, I would never submit myself to my wife's needs, unless it benefited me.)...Life on this planet would be in more chaos than it already is w/o submission....
Of course one difference between us is; I believe that the Bible is the infallible words of God, given by his spirit, and spoken (written down) through his prophets, and his apostles....It has proved to me it's power, it's faithfulness, and It's love....when I submit myself to it......
There are many times in my life that I've turned defensive (hard hearted) and demanded to be wrong...But the way's of life and truth or fixed, and that will never change, (whether I was born or not) no matter what I buy into in this carnal mind....My first favorite prayer (after seeing so much division among believers) was Father please don't allow me to live out my life being deceived about you, and your will for my life....I guess these day's it's become...Father give me your wisdom (As I see my desperate need for it) ...He promised he would...
I totally respect where you are....And I love that you desire to love your husband through such difficult circumstances....It says' so much about what is in your heart....
Blessings
c
Thank you C...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
i’m not a religious person, but I believe in God and in prayer. Mostly, I have always been of the opinion that praying for myself seems wrong since I have been given so much in my life, while so many have been given so little. I am truly blessed. I try to walk in gratitude and kindness, as much as possible.
Reading through all these posts I have come to realize that my husband and I do ADD very well. I adore him, and the life we have together. I accept him for who he is, and I stopped trying to change him many years ago. After over a decade of friendship, and nearly twice that long in total in a committed relationship, we have worked together (sometimes unknowingly) to overcome the challenges of his disability; me through my relentless desire to find solutions that respect both our right to be happy, and him in his trust in me and his love for me. In the past 30 years or so that we have known each other, my husband has never said a bad word about me, we have never called each other names, we have gone through bankruptcy and bouts of unemployment and uncertainty. We have also traveled the world together, spent countless hours talking and laughing. The recent cheating and lying, as I understand from other ADD partners, has nothing to do with ADD per se. Perhaps...
Talking to my husband about why he chose to betray my trust is as painful for him as it is for me. I think that in time, there will be a change in season, whatever it may be.
I pray for myself....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
after I thank HIM for all I have. I pray mostly for strength and discernment, depending on what is going on in my life at the time..............
"Talking to my husband about
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"Talking to my husband about why he chose to betray my trust is as painful for him as it is for me."
I'm sure talking about it is painful for your husband. My ex-husband never wanted to talk about problems. But was it actually painful for your husband when he was cheating on you? That's the key.
I'm with you on this one, PI.
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I'm with you on this one, PI. My ex H was deeply contrite and ashamed after he'd been caught. Fearful. IDK. He showed a lot of emotions except empathy and remorse. He was remorseful that his life might change or that he couldn't continue to do as he wished. He was remorseful to have to move out of the home, etc. I still don't think that he truly felt or acknowledged my pain at that time, only his own. I think he began to see the pain he caused, but not in it's entirety. To the end, he could not face a difficult conversation or bad feelings.
I've said this before and I will continue to say it. I needed my ex H to fully understand the WHY of his actions so that he could develop the understanding and insight to make sure it would never happen again. What brought him to that point? What needed to change to prevent it from happening again? Without being able to articulate and have self-awareness, I thought any "pain" he experienced or demonstrated was superficial. I don't know wasn't a good enough answer. I didn't mean to wasn't a good enough answer. Nobody means to get lung cancer, but if you continue to smoke.... the consequences are still there. I NEEDED to know that he understood how it happened to prevent it from happening again so that I could rest easy and continue with some sense of trust and security WITHOUT turning into a super sleuth. I needed him to lay out his reasons, even if they pointed to me, so it could be solved. Was it an issue of control or independence, that our lives had become so separately lived?... I think that the true underlying problem needs to be identified before a solution can be found. I love solution based living, but one must have good information to create a good solution. Otherwise, it's not a solution, it's a work around. Not a fan of work arounds as I am also not a fan of the simplistic word byte answers my ex H gave me , i.e. it's "ADD" or "it's my parents". What does that mean. Without a full explanation, it's just a few words.
My ex H didn't provide me with transparency and log in credentials. That was a huge red flag. It meant that he planned to continue to lie and that he planned to continue the behavior. Sidebar: he also participated in these activities from his work PC and with people at work where I would have no clear line of sight into the behavior. However, I still don't think I would have ever wanted to live my life following up on him every day and worrying every day. I needed the information to come from him, not from me checking up on him. At the time, I asked myself... well, if I check up on him, when is it enough? What else could he do without me ever knowing? How much time would pass before I was "okay" again? How much time before I would let my guard down. Was he waiting me out? I felt that in that case, the onus was on me to decide when it was enough, when I believe, in hindsight, that the onus was on him to provide a full explanation with self awareness, not just a few words after the fact - a verbal get out of jail free card. I wasn't interested in another work around - ie. checking up on him all the time. I didn't choose to live my life like that. Since I didn't have what I needed from him, I chose instead to live my life in honesty and if that meant that he continued to be dishonest... so be it.
And in all of this... I would have shown him the door in a New York second if he had disavowed our relationship altogether when talking to others. LOL If you're going to cheat, can there be SOME honesty as in, I'm a married man cheating...I want a little on the side, not I wish I wasn't in a marriage or I'm acting as if I'm not and saying I have a roommate?? If he had cheated as if I didn't really exist at all... no way. Sigh. I know it's a fine point to make after the fact. I can say that I am not strong enough to have withstood that.
I've come a long way. For a long time, I would simply say he was on dating sites or talked to other women inappropriately. No, he cheated. He was a cheat.
How did he feel at the time of cheating? Why did he feel it was okay or justified? I never really got an answer, although I was prepared for hard truths and accountability for myself as well. My overriding question was how did what he want to do in the moment totally override any responsibility toward me? How could he totally discount the hurt that he might cause. And no, I won't lay that solely at the feet of an ADD personality. There is too much involved in cheating. ADD might open the door for misunderstandings or an incomplete relationship, but it's not the only reason people cheat. That's too easy. Especially if it was on-going. An individual has to weigh the consequences for each and every action, each time. ADD overrode his sense each and every time? I wasn't having it. Everytime he said it's because "of him, not me" and "I have ADD", every cell in my body screamed that it was an incomplete answer and a cop out. Actually, I felt like there was enough in the marriage to keep him there. He didn't want to give it up, but wanted something extra, without being man enough to have the difficult conversations or put forth the effort to make it into the something more he wanted.
Has he recognized the pain? Mine didn't. When confronted he denied and deflected. Stonewalled. Healing may have been possible if he had ever recognized the hurt. By the time he did (sort of, to the best of his ability), it was too late. I had already been forced to process the egregious behavior on my own.
Why? I got stuck on why. If there is no answer forthcoming than "ADD", then what? A lifetime of hyper vigilence and anxiety? I chose door number 2.
VBG...I can understand your husbands actions to a degree...
Submitted by c ur self on
Not understanding as to justify, but, as one who sadly did a similar thing in my early 20's....Your beautiful and real post above say's....I'm an analytical thinker, so truthfully convince me of your Why? And then convince me that you knew it was dead wrong, and that it want happen again? He could not....
Why? Why could he not? He didn't know....What was he going to say? I'm a human sinner male, who has fleshly wants...And those wants, have more power over me, than any ability (will power) to discipline my life (at all times) to give honor to "right living".
He didn't know....
Most of us (I'm no different) may go for years, until the right temptation comes along...(There is not another temptation greater for a man than sex..We are totally site effected and site stimulated, It's a constant battle that only men can truly understand) We believe in ourselves (our big mistake) to handle anything!...But, all of a sudden we find ourselves disappointed and heart broken...Or we turn cold and hard (excuse it with blame) just to live with our actions....
I have no doubt your spouse, & PI's spouse loved you.... In the way they were capable...Human and fleshly sin grows and builds off of one another....If I cheated, I lied, and was deceptive, and had to hide...Of course we are all different when it comes to sin and hurting those we love....Some want face it...(there is nothing there to convict them, so they just move on and find a less stressful place to abide)....Some who feel convicted over it, will apologize, show remorse, and work to win your trust again...Some may feel so hopeless to control themselves that they turn to alcohol or drugs...And still others may take their own life...
I hope your day is blessed, and you are taking care of yourself....
c
curself, I understand that
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
curself, I understand that you are trying to be helpful. However, you do not know whether my husband loved me.
Your right PI...I don't know.....
Submitted by c ur self on
But as I said...I don't doubt that they did, in what ever manner of commitment they were capable of...It say's a lot (to me) when a person stays in a relationship long enough to have children and raise them....I would think every human has the potential for love in some form....No matter if that form is one that is life time lasting or not.....I think I will just give them the benefit of the doubt...
Many of the ladies and gentlemen on this site (based on their stories) have an amazing ability to commit....(adhd or not)....I apologize if my opinion came off to you as a statement that was fact based.... Wasn't my intent...
c
I've read your post and all
Submitted by Spinach on
I've read your post and all of the comments, and this thread really struck a chord with me because I am also dealing with infidelity (supposedly emotional, but I'll probably never know the full story) and lies with my ADD husband. I love him very much and we have a young child together, so I've given him more chances than I thought I would. He has lied over and over, to my face and through omission. At this point we are in counseling and things are getting better, we are reconnecting and feeling closer, but I live every day in fear that another shoe will drop and I will again have my heart broken. I am afraid that one day I will have to leave, because he will prove that I can never trust him. ADD doesn't make them cheat, it doesn't make them lie. It probably makes it easier for them in some way to justify or make excuses, and it certainly did indirectly instigate it for us- his symptoms and my reactions caused a rift between us that made us vulnerable. I feel your pain so acutely, it's easy for someone on the outside so say What the hell are you doing, just leave! But it's much harder when you are in love and don't want to leave. My husband swears he is dedicated to only me now, and I want so badly to believe him, yet he's lied to me so many times that I feel like a fool for falling for it. It hurts so badly, every day I oscillate between anger and sadness and humiliation. And even now I'm still catching him in small omissions that are not big enough to be deal-breakers, but enough of a sign that full and open honesty are not coming easily to him. I will continue trying, hoping that one day he'll prove that he deserves my trust. Good luck to us both. Be strong and take no excuses!
I too, oscillate between anger and sadness and humiliation...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thanks for the heartfelt share Spinach...
For sure, although this discussion forum is a great place to feel heard, advice should be taken with caution.
I appreciate all the advice, but most of all, I appreciate other people's experiences because it is there that I find the most comfort... In knowing that it happens to not just me. I was hoping that more sufferers might participate and share what could be the other side of the coin... But what was I thinking! What man with severe ADD will take the time to read? Let alone reply. I crack myself up sometimes...
I feel much like you, but I refuse to make a rash decision for 2 reasons: I really love him, also I don't want to create chaos in my life at this time.That said, every time I find out about another omission, a little part of my love just vanishes...
I never have been the jealous type, and very independent... So I never really paid attention to whereabouts etc. Now, I'm a regular private eye. I do whatever I have to do to get to the truth... I take screen shots of conversations, record my home when I am out... spot check his whereabouts several times a day... download all his communications from iCloud... examine all his phone records and note numbers and times of calls... In short, lying is no longer an option for the most part. Next, I have requested a visit with his family doctor, because I need to know if he is prescribed any ED drug... Well, let's just say that it has become a side project for me right ... Suspicions can drive you crazy, and well, we have the technology. I don't feel a bit guilty either.
If I still love him in a few months... great. If I hate him... too bad for him.
So many people made the comment that I should leave... and hell no, that's not how it is going to go down. I love where I live and if anyone is leaving, it sure won't be me. ;)
I guess I'm oscillating more around anger today... ;)
Take good care Spinach... treat yourself and breathe. Stay positive and as independent as possible.
Kind regards,
You are young yet...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'That said, every time I find out about another omission, a little part of my love just vanishes... '
A marriage with an ADHDer can be like constantly bumping against a grinding stone. A little chip here and a scrape there ... after a few years you are surprised that your hopes and dreams have been reduced to a pile of dust. You are young yet...
Well put...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thank you for your heartfelt comment Will It Get Better...
in my experience, the partner of an ADD sufferer has to pretty much facilitate everything, relative to the severity of the disability. I am convinced that there is a spectrum for ADD, and that my husband is at the extreme end of the spectrum... I have grown to not expect any of the reciprocity normally afforded in a normal relationship.
My husband’s ADD is so severe, he could never remember certain things, or answer when called from another room if watching TV, or think to give others their turn to talk, or read a book, or notice things that are obvious to others, or manage his finances, or organize his dresser, or organize pretty much anything for that matter... Strangely enough, he can rewire an entire trailer truck, replace an engine, find just about any electrical problem in heavy-duty equipment... He will never “surprise” me with flowers, or even a birthday gift... rather, he will tell me to buy what I want and take the money from his account... We travel, and have an awesome time... Regularly go to terrific restaurants, and I have recently got him to open the door for me instead of always charging ahead of me... So there are many many things that require adjusting when living with an ADD sufferer...
In my case, the recent breech of trust has made everything else irrelevant.
Take good care,
emotional and interest-based axes of ADHD
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
MostlyFeelingHurtAllTheTime. have you looked at the work of William Dodson, MD (https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-brain-chemistry-video/)? I recommend looking at his views on the emotional and interest-based axes of ADHD for some additional ways to appreciate what ADHDers are working with. The 'interest-based' describes how your husband can have an atomistic understanding and attention of things that happen to interest him but have almost no attention otherwise. I get the sense that ADHDers can't decide ('I will henceforth be interested in this issue...') but it is more hit or miss (and insanely frustrating to the non-ADHD spouse who must 'keep things going') and probably inconsistent (i.e. a 'hyper-focus' issue or hobby can fade away after a while...).
One of the prime benefits of this forum is that you have a place where people will almost immediately relate to and believe your ADHD-endurance stories (things that might not seem 'to be a big deal' to others that don't experience the fear and chaos ADHD brings to your home and entire life.)
I've also become vigilant in
Submitted by Spinach on
I've also become vigilant in checking his phone, computer, car, pockets, etc for any sign of deception. I do believe that he has now cut off all ties to the one woman whose relationship instigated this whole 'come to Jesus' with us, but I wish he would come clean about the real depth of the relationship, instead of only admitting to the things that I caught. I'm not stupid, there must be more to it, and that kills me. He still swears nothing physical ever happened, but even if that's true, the emotional bond and deception were so over the top that they may as well have.. when things really came to a head (not for the first time, just the most egregious time) he swore that he broke things off, and I found out a month later that wasn't true and he had lied to my face about continuing to talk to her. That night I said he was giving me no choice but to leave him, according to him he finally had a great realization that he was risking losing everything over this other "friendship" and it wasn't worth it. So he blocked her number and supposedly hasn't talked to her since.
Things have been very different since then in a good way, but what makes me really angry after the fact now that I've had some time to think about it, is that he didn't end things with her because he was hurting me, he ended things when he realized that continuing them would eventually hurt HIM. He would lose his family and end up alone. That's what did it, not that he was causing me so much pain.
Like you, I started out as the one pushing fixing our relationship, reconnecting and bettering myself. He is now doing the same, has changed some bad habits, is spending more time at home, actually bought me Christmas presents this year.. and we are seeing real progress, but like you said in another post, the omissions kind of cancel that out. What good is being a better man and husband to me, if he's still talking to other women and lying to me about it? I hope that he can just stop all the bullshit because I do love him and believe he loves me, and I want us to be a family together.
Whatever benefits the ADHDer IN THIS EXACT MOMENT ...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
You'll never be sure where you really stand because an ADHDer's impulse control issue can instantly negate any 'progress' you might have seen. Whatever benefits the ADHDer IN THIS EXACT MOMENT is the only thing acted upon. You may have had weeks of words and good behavior but then 'poof!' All of the commitments agreed upon in the past no longer exist as if THEY NEVER HAPPENED. Many of us have seen this exact thing again and again.
are you kidding me??
Submitted by dvance on
I've also become vigilant in checking his phone, computer, car, pockets, etc for any sign of deception.
Okay, I have been reading this thread and have not chimed in but now I just cannot help myself. I say this as one who has been cheated on three times: are kidding me with this?? Why would you want to live in a marriage like this? I have to say--and again, my DH has had three different women in the past seven years that I know about--why would you want to be in a relationship where you are constantly monitoring? That is not a sustainable situation. There is not a doubt in my mind that there are more women with my DH, perhaps even now. I no longer care. In fact, I hope and wish that he has someone else because when I leave, I do not think he can manage himself. None of us should have to have "come to Jesus" moments with a spouse--faithfulness should be a given. It was not in my marriage either, so no judgment here at all, that's not what I am saying. If someone has to work THAT hard to be faithful, perhaps it isn't worth it. I ask myself this ALL THE TIME. I will caution you that your vigilant monitoring will only result in him becoming more creative about the ways he communicates with women he doesn't want you to know about. It is very easy to open other email accounts or PO boxes or have things sent to his work--that's what my DH did and likely continues to do.
Listen, your posts are actually more of a reality check for me to face the stuff I have put up with. How low has my bar gotten that I am not even phased by the other women? That I am fully aware that DH has four credit cards that carry big balances for I don't know what and I don't care? How little self respect do I have that I was willing to tolerate this behavior for all these years? What we all put up with is just stunning to me. Like, it's forgivable that he crossed a line with another woman because this year he bought you Christmas presents. Shouldn't a loving spouse WANT to buy Christmas presents for their person?? Like take joy in doing that? And again--no judgment--my DH bought me a $6 mug and $12 tea and I bought him probably $300 worth of work clothes, so I am right there with you on the gifts. I needed a new robe and he told me he wasn't going to buy me that because he didn't know what kind I wanted. What a lame, lazy cop out. For gods sake make an effort. And I tolerate that. These are all the reasons I will be running the other direction come May. I just cannot do it any longer.
I feel your pain and frustration...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
I truly appreciate you sharing your experience Dvance. Agreed, it’s no way to live, being on patrol 24/7.
We all can only share what we are going through, still, no one can really understand what we are going through since only we know all the details and the full context of our lives...
I know that for myself, the good still outweighs the bad, and of course, I still have hope that we can work through his infidelity. When the bad outweighs the good, then I suppose that I will have no choice but tell him to leave.
I am super vigilant right now because I really want to know exactly what I am dealing with... this is not how I am going to live the rest of my live... Until I am truly sure of understanding what’s happening, I will keep watch. It’s not that hard with my husband because he has no access to money. He pays everything with his credit card and I go in his account and pay it. He doesn’t have the patience for online banking, and most of his money is an account he cannot touch. I handle everything, so I know he doesn’t have a second phone etc. Also, he is mostly home, or doing things with me...
Thoughtfulness is not an attribute of ADD sufferers, so I have learned to accept that. Once in a while, my husband will surprise me with a small insignificant gist, and I make a big deal out of it because it is big for him. The more stable he feels at home and at work, the more he is happy. The happier he is, the more fun we have together. When he gets stressed, I go about my merry way and a day or two later he comes around...
Take good care Dvance,
Reading this thread saddens
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Reading this thread saddens me. "The good still outweighs the bad" even though your screen name is "MostlyFeelingHurtAllTheTime" and "it's no way to live, being on patrol 24/7" and "I feel so hurt and discouraged ... all the time" and "either way, [the cheating] is destroying the relationship."
Without trust
Submitted by adhd32 on
The constant vigilance will just wear you out with suspicion. What makes you think he won't get a secret credit card with online billing or a prepaid cellphone? If you know he cannot be trusted what are you holding on to?
Hope
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
That is true, suspicion is just as bad as knowing in many ways... but we had a committed relationship for many years, before he became impotent. It’s the first time that we have encountered a problem that we were not able to talk about together... Thus the several months of counseling... This is why I am threading lightly, being observant and cautious as I still have hope, despite the pain and the frustration over this last year.
My husband can’t get another credit card... all his paychecks are automatically deposited and I have full access to everything.
Thanks for reading. Take good care,
MostlyFeeling... If you have
Submitted by SweetandSour on
MostlyFeeling... If you have the grace to forgive I support you wholeheartedly. "To err is human, to forgive divine". There are relationships that survive infidelity and lies. Every person is flawed - whether they have ADHD or not. There is a difference between seeking understanding and seeking justification and we have to be wise about ourselves I think. And the whole "take the beam out of your own eye" thing applies also. I know where you're coming from - you're well on your way to understanding and forgiving, but you're still stuck in a few places - I hear you. Being "right" isn't the ultimate in happiness in life - am I right? (Ha, ha, LOL!)
Our eroded standards
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Dvance, your comments on this post have inspired me to chime in. I am struck by how easy it is for us to see each other's situations so clearly. So often I think, “I would not put up with that.” And heck yeah... so often I have been told “I would not put up with that” by my friends who see my husband unemployed for 5 years with no intention to change that. Who watch my house fall down around me because he will not lift a finger. It is so clear to everyone else, but rarely to the person in the situation until rock bottom.
Let's look at back at when we met and married these people. Things were likely pretty good. If someone had a crystal ball and shown us that:
-we would be married to cheating spouses who maybe even brought the risk of STDs home to us
-we'd be doing everything short of hiring a PI to monitor them because they can't be trusted
-we would be carrying the household load while our spouse sat on the couch
-we would be virtually invisible to our SO
-our spouse would financially ruin us over and over
etc., etc. Would we have married this person? Would we have believed at that time that we would stay with a person who would treat us that way? I highly doubt it for most of us if we knew any ONE of those things to be true before walking down the aisle! This erosion of our standards has happened over time and so many of us feel stuck or scared or simply wishful.
I don't really know what I am trying to say except that if 100 strangers could observe our marriages for a week, 100 out of 100 would probably tell us to run.
I guess I just wonder why we put up with so much. I would be devastated if my daughter or best friend had a marriage like this, yet I stay? Why are my standards lower for myself?
Vent, vent, vent. Thanks, guys. :)
Venting is good...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
YThis is so true... I guess I’m lucky that my husband has always had a job and that he agreed to let me manage all finances... When we were young, it would never have crossed my mind. I thought I fell in love with a looser, so I told him... We dated off and on for about seven years... And I lost interest because he proved over and over that he was the looser I had called him.
Later in life when we got back together, I focused on what he could do rather than what he could not do. He could work 12 hours a day / 7 days a week, if I made him a resume and filled out the application forms etc. He would make dinner if I asked him well in advance (like a day or two). He could always have money in his pocket, and pay his half of everything if I took care of his finances... He could help me with a house chore if I gave him plenty of notice (but we have a cleaning lady that comes weekly). He could pay attention to me if I was hurt or sick... but for a glass of water, I would have to ask. Whatever I wanted, basically, I would have to ask... to a certain point. Going for a romantic walk to see Christmas light displays - forget it. But if I wanted to go walking, best to pick a place where there is something of interest for him, like boats or water sports...
It took me many years to figure some thing out, and believe me, I am still learning...
You sound like a very decent person 1Melany1... thank your candor...
Kind regards,
Venting
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Yes - just being able to say some of this out loud to people who understand is extremely therapeutic. (And just so you know, I wasn't directing my comments at your original post... they were just general statements... mostly questioning MYself and standards after reading the boards and comments over the past few days.)
I am happy I haven't had to deal with the infidelity or impulsive spending that many have. However, I can check off almost everything else and some days I just wonder how I got here.
Truly wishing you the best.
Apologies for being judgey
Submitted by dvance on
1Melody1 you are so right. If someone had told me 23 years ago that this is what I would put up with I would never have believed them. I would have my son's heads on a platter if they treated their wives (they don't have wives yet) like this. You are 100% right--it's very easy to see everyone else's situation except your own--I am very guilty of this. Often the posts I respond to wake something up in me, remind me just how low I have sunk, how low my bar is. At this point I don't even remember the person I married, and I sure as hell don't recognize myself. It's like the analogy of the frog and the boiling water--if you drop a frog in boiling water they will immediately jump out, but if you put a frog in cold water and then start to boil it, it will sit there and get boiled alive. That's how I feel. You are 100% correct that this is NOT how I would want a marriage to be for a friend or a daughter. I fear I get overly judgey on here because I am so very tired of feeling less than and incompetent myself when I know darn well that I am not, it's just the crazy ADHD world I live in. I get so angry for all of us that WE feel so crummy because someone else who SAYS they love us but does not act that way makes us feel not loved, in fact the OPPOSITE of loved and WE turn ourselves inside out and make excuses and justify all kinds of ridiculous, intolerable behavior and have to be happy with a few scraps of attention. It's just not right that many kind and capable people (us) can be made to feel so small and poorly about themselves because another person is unwilling to manage their condition, that could be very manageable if only they would be honest and address it head on. I have a very hard time with that--my DH, like many of us, says he loves me, but how can that be if he cheats and spends our money foolishly and undermines what I thought were our values with our children and tells me he never believed in the religion we both practiced together for many years? Those don't sound like very loving ways to act. I understand that no one is perfect, that people make mistakes, but these seem like pretty core values--honesty, fidelity, faith, things I thought were important to both of us that I turned out were only important to me. When I said that in therapy, he was shocked--he saw no connection between SAYING he believed fidelity in a marriage was important and cheating. He felt that cheating (three times) was not a big deal because he didn't mean it, they meant nothing, he did it because we weren't getting along, he couldn't talk to me--he really didn't see that he had contradicted himself. How do you work with that? Now it is possible that in some marriages fidelity is not important--no judgment there--he should be with one of those women then because I think it is important to be faithful.
I am sorry if I got carried away being judgemental--mostly I am angry at myself for what I put up with and how many excuses I make for why I haven't left yet.
I'm happy to see your follow
Submitted by Spinach on
I'm happy to see your follow up response Dvance. Since your original post included direction at something I had written, in addition to the original poster, it was a bit of a kick in the head to read. Our situations are different, everyone's are.
I can't speak for MostlyHurt, but for my own situation in almost 15 years of our relationship, it's only in the past 1-2 that unfaithfulness has come up, and it was the result of us growing disconnected because he was angry and didn't communicate it to me, and I was oblivious and responded with resentfulness to his symptoms, which neither of us recognized as ADHD at the time. His lying was a defense mechanism, and yes it's cowardly and causes me pain, but I don't expect it will go on forever or I would get the hell out of there. I won't live the rest of my life looking for deception, this is something happening in response to a temporary bad spot that we will have to work together to get out of.
My partner has been an active participant in improving himself and working to better himself and our relationship. It's not that he bought me Christmas presents, that's just an example I used because the original poster mentioned her partner not getting her birthday presents. His biggest issues were hyper focus on work and drinking, and they have so drastically improved that I KNOW he cares and is trying. There have been a lot of good years, and there is a lot of love there. We have a family and I will do everything I can to keep us together. He knows he must do the same.
For so long I have been clinging to those measly scraps of attention, and now I have set expectations for more, and I am seeing results. Will he keep lying? I hope not, but I have to believe that as he is improving everything else, that will one day no longer be an issue either. I guess we'll see.
Good luck to all of us. The way I view it- If you see no hope, get out if you can. If you see hope, don't be afraid to fight for it.
Well put Spinach...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
I feel very much the same way...
My husband is jumpy with fear that I will stop loving him right now... He is trying... that is obvious. He is really trying to pay more attention to me and his surroundings... He is trying to deal with the voices in his head that are non-stop... a 30 year old son who is a heroin addict... He is trying to deal with not being able to pass a simple test he needs to take, and for which he has been studying for a couple of years now... He did try to go back on medication to help him focus but the meds make him feel awful so he stopped taking them... I can see his pain too, and the effort. I have seen progress in many ways over the years. The cheating and lying this year is crappy for sure. But I am holding on to the hope that it is a passing thing...It doesn't hurt any less mind you...
Thank you Spinach for that very thoughtful post.
My Mantra: actions NOT words
Submitted by shar037 on
Spinach states:
"My partner has been an active participant in improving himself and working to better himself and our relationship. It's not that he bought me Christmas presents, that's just an example I used because the original poster mentioned her partner not getting her birthday presents. His biggest issues were hyper focus on work and drinking, and they have so drastically improved that I KNOW he cares and is trying."
I was also cheated on by my ADHD spouse and would like to comment on Spinach's amazing post.
Her quote (above) is key to determining whether you should stay or go. If you choose to attempt to save the marriage (relationship), base your choices solely on their actions NOT words.
An ADHD partner who has the ability to have an honest, healthy relationship, will consistently show effort towards improving themselves.
They will be willing to commit to getting professional help, and will stick with it until you have BOTH healed....just as Spinach's partner did.
If they do not stick with it - you will then know that they are simply not capable of giving you the loving, mature relationship that you deserve.
This is what I learned from 7 years of attempting to salvage a marriage with someone simply not capable.
actions NOT words
Blessings to you all!
Hello:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I hope you are well!
c
Thank you...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thank you SweetandSour for your encouraging words...
Many years ago, when I stopped expecting what gender roles and social norms (Hollywood... LOL) dictate, that is, what a relationship is supposed to look like, I began to look at my partner, and our relationship differently. We both began to be truly happy...
I know my husband adores me, and I want to understand how this happened and how to move on. It’s not easy... I think that feeling hurt and sad is normal, and of course there are moments when I feel angry, but I don’t feel like a victim...
Navigating through difficult life situations with an ADD sufferer is what really makes trying to understand difficult, I think partly because they don’t understand why they do what they do at times... and they desperately try to come up with something that won’t make them look stupid...
Something i learned along the way, and I have known my husband for about 30 years, is that he started self-medicating at a very young age to navigate through life. His brain is constantly running, « changing channels » like someone else is playing with the remote. To find clarity and quiet, he needs to be engaged in something that intensely interests him... TV can help, having a good stiff drink can help, talking about whatever he is hyper-focused on at the time, helps... On the other hand, trying to make him see that buying a Harley is not a good idea will have the opposite effect. Moreover, since he has been diagnosed, his self-esteem has suffered some because he associates mental illness with a lack of intelligence. Then when I point out that he is constantly leaving the front door unlocked, for example, he feels bad. Mind you, I only call him on things unless they are really important... at that, I have to approach with kid gloves if I want change or results.... LOL. Yesterday, after being home for a couple of hours, he pointed out that he had remembered to lock the front door... Which tells me that it was on his mind, and that he wanted to show me that he was trying...
Anyhow, today is a brand new day... :)
Kind regards,
I try to be more flexible
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I try to be more flexible about gender roles and social norms. Thus, I confess that I feel uncomfortable at the notion of it being okay for one adult (a woman) to control the finances of and to monitor all activities of another adult (a man), given that almost no woman would think it's okay for a man to be controlling his partner's spending and to be monitoring her activities. When I was married, we eventually ended up in a situation in which I paid (from joint or my own accounts) most of the bills and I filed our income tax returns, because my husband was not very responsible and he suggested that we not report his income. Even though I took over much of the finances for good reasons (to avoid us getting in trouble legally), my husband felt I was controlling him. Similarly, he seemed to feel overly controlled by me wanting him to be employed. Our different feelings about money and finances and division of labor were not sustainable in marriage.
While I admire you for recognizing your husband's desires, I hope you can see that at this point, you seem to be trading your well-being for his. He is not the only valuable person. You are, too.
I agree, PI.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My BF was a hacker 'back in the day", so if he really wanted to, he could monitor me without me knowing, but does not. I don't spy on him....
Division of labor...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Yes, I see where you are coming from...
My husband does not feel that way... He loves that I keep him together, and I do it for my well-being as well as his. He does splurge on useless things once in a while, but he usually passes by me to see my reaction, I guess. If it’s really outrageous, I can always reason with him... For the first time in his life, he has a substantial savings account and he is obsessed with seeing it grow.
The deal was, when we started living together that we would never buy things or go on vacation on credit and we’ve kept up the deal... This because I know that if he were to loose or quit his job, which happened a lot when he was younger, this would be a stressor on our relationship. I make a good living, and so does he... because we have no debts.
In many ways, our well-being is closely knit and since his attention is mostly scattered, I keep things organized, and I am happy to do this for us.
Kind regards,
I know you think you are helping him...
Submitted by adhd32 on
By keeping it together for him and weighing in on his discretionary purchases you aren't allowing him to suffer the consequences of his actions or inaction. You are taking away lessons that would teach him how to take charge of his life. You are managing him to make your life easier and more secure and he is lets you do it so he can avoid making decisions. Is he happy having every thing scrutinized and controlled by you? Are you? What would happen to him if tomorrow, without warning, you were unable to keep it together for him for some extended time due to some family issue or illness that requires all your attention?
I re-read all your posts and it seems that you justify your behavior and minimize his. He is untrustworthy, tells others that you are not his wife, and chats with other women in secret. You monitor his spending and his phone activity in an effort to prove to yourself that he isn't cheating. You cannot be with him 24 hours per day. Individual therapy might help you figure out why you feel you have the power to control his life, and also help you to accept that he may not be the man you thought he was. He could benefit from individual therapy where he could work out the reasons for his egregious behaviors.
There is no one size fits all solution. I think that you are disappointed, as many of us were, that there isn't a step by step plan to keep your marriage with an ADD partner on track. Therapy is trial and error and it takes work finding someone who is the right fit. As long as he is willing to work at change, there is hope.
There is no one size fits all solution...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
This is very true. There is no instruction manual for a step by step success in an ADD marriage, or any marriage for that matter. All relationships can be disappointing at some point, and those couples who love each other try to find practical solutions and work together to improve each other's lives to the best of their ability with what they have.
I'm not sure what your personal experience was or is, but when I feel frustrated or angry or disappointed, I try to think of solutions to make things better and solutions that work for me. It helps me to think of ADD as one would of a physical illness. For example, if my husband was to become paralyzed from the neck down... For sure, many things about our lives would be different. Would I love him any less, I don't think so.... His challenges would surely become mine to some a great extent.
ADD sufferers of course can improve through their mistakes... But for the most part, this could come at a very high cost to both partners if one was to adopt such position in the face of every challenge. For example, my husband never remembers to lock the door. Surely, I am not going to wait for a consequence to hit us so that he can learn a lesson. On the other hand, he never remembers to fill up his car when it is near empty, and I have never reminded him. He has run out of gas several times... no harm done. Even though he should have learned by now, lessons don't seem to stick with ADD sufferers...(his son is the same). I know my husbands keeps making the same mistakes, and he is nearly 60 now, so I'm not sure that a consequence based approach would be a pragmatic approach for us at our age. Maybe for younger adults...
As you say, there is no cookie cutter formula for dealing with the difficulties one faces with an ADD partner... We can only do what we feel is best for us.
Take good care,
@MostlyFeelingHurtAllTheTime,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
@MostlyFeelingHurtAllTheTime, what will you do if something happens to you? I get the sense from your posts that your husband will not help you. Are you comfortable with that?
One Size Does Not Fit All...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
You're right. My BF and I were discussing this subject the other night. He had to try different things, ways to remind him that would work. He worked with a behavioral therapist, and she helped him. He said that before he found a system that worked for him, he put post-it notes on almost everything.
He told me about a session with his therapist, where he told her that he would pack his lunch for work, and then forget it. The consequence was that he would have to go out for lunch, and was spending too much money going out. His therapist suggested that he put the keys to his pickup in his lunch. That way, he wouldn't leave without it. It took a few times of him walking out the door, then walking back, before he stopped forgetting his lunch. (This was years ago, when he was in his 30's, before we met.) Now, he puts everything he needs on the kitchen island so that he will see them, before heading to work.
He said that each person has to find out what works for them. I was telling him about another person on this site using a white board in the kitchen. The white board worked for everyone but her ADHD husband. My BF said: "A white board wouldn't work for me. The husband needs to find something else that will work for him."
Its not our responsibility as the "Nons" to figure out what will work for them.
P.S. with my ex husband, I didn't mind doing almost all the cooking and housework when we were first married. It was after our son was born that I began running myself ragged because he refused to do anything other than take out the trash and mow the lawn. (We were both working full time.)
Stability is key
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
For sure, we have no children and in our late 50s so the work to be done around the apartment is minimal. I learned early on that in order for me to be happy, we needed to have a weekly housekeeper. This way, there never is friction or resentment around house chores.
The post-its are a good idea, but my husband can’t spell, so I’m not sure that if he did put up post -its to help him remember, that he would know what they meant... LOL.
The spectrum and variables for each ADD sufferer can really vary, and so does the willingness of the non-ADD partners to lend support. On top of that, there are many many things that can put strain on a relationship: children, money problems, illness, other mental health issues... For us, so long as there is routine and stability, things are pretty swell.
I understand that it’s not my responsibility to figure out what works for my husband, but if helping him to remember and organize makes both our lives more enjoyable, then it seems like a small price to pay. If he was physically handicapped, I would do what is in my power to make the best of both our lives.
Ahhhh... the old mystical taking out of the trash. My husband will never pull it out from under the sink, even if it’s overflowing... But if I pull it out, and leave outside the cabinet, he will do it as if it is an matter of urgency... No rime nor reason. ;)
I was trying to diplomatically say
Submitted by adhd32 on
That your mothering of a grown man is emasculating and probably makes him feel small. He has the right to live his life whatever way he wants without a monitor and gatekeeper. You have to decide if you can accept him just as he is.
Interesting juxtaposition
Submitted by vabeachgal on
hmmmm.
Most of us write about the resentments we feel because we have an unequal partner and we become bitter, overworked and overwhelmed by having to do it all. In this case, the poster WANTS to do it all. She's happy to control everything and more so now. I suppose it would work if one party WANTS to control everything and the other party IS OKAY with being so controlled. Two extremes, I guess. Either complaining about doing everything or happily doing everything. So many of us on the board have wondered what might happen if we were unable to perform and relied on our partners. Many of us report fearfulness about such a situation. I was fearful about it.
Every case is different and every cheater has his or her own reason for cheating. I have to wonder if some of the reason was rebellion from control. The situation could create a re-balance opportunity.
To all you SuperSpouses....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Doing it all will get old eventually....and you will get burned out ...trust me.
Rebellion and gratitude...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Thank you for reading Vabeachgal... I appreciate the time your took to respond.
My husband does many things for himself... We have a routine going, and it works for us.
I take care mostly of finances... Arranging for repairs or things to do with maintenance. I get home at 3, so often I will cook... if I feel like it. Or I will call him and ask him to pick up some take-out. If I ask him in advance and buy the ingredients, he will also cook, make breakfast... I even have a special Starbucks reusable cup that has my exact order on its label, and he will get my coffee if I ask on the weekend.
My husband could go into the bank at any time and take out whatever money he wants... When I said that he had no access to money, I meant to say that he cannot spend money without me knowing what it was spent on. He has full access to all his accounts. His retirement savings require more steps to withdraw and he has not touched it in 11 years. Neither of us have 'discretionary spending'. I'm not even sure what that entails. We buy what we need, and live within our means. It doesn't matter to me if my husband decides to buy his grand-daughter a $300. guitar, so long as he continues to pay for half of everything for the household, and puts away $1000. per month into a retirement savings plan. He has learned over the years that it feels good to have savings, and he loves knowing that it is there... and growing.
The things that I have done for us are really what consists in an established routine... things are paid in time, and we all have money for what we need or want. Our 2 bedroom apartment is always clean and there is always food in the house.
Just to clarify, I don't follow my husband around with a coat hanger and a dust pan. ;)
Kind regards,
Cambridge English Dictionary
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
“discretionary spending” in Business English
discretionary spending noun
ECONOMICS, FINANCE money spent by consumers on things other than necessary things such as food, clothes, and fuel:
Soaring fuel prices have hit discretionary spending, which could weaken the economy.
Back to your original
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Back to your original question: "Is it even possible to reason in honesty with the ADD mind?" My answer: I think so. But it does depend on the individual. And frankly, it sounds as though your husband is not particularly concerned about your feelings at this point. As I think you said, he's not thoughtful toward you. I doubt that will go away without some major changes. Your husband is getting care and avoiding adult responsibilities thanks to you, even though he's cheating on you. Why should he change? His life seems like all gravy.
Excuses....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Deleted post.