I need a place to vent. I saw my first divorce lawyer today to ask some questions and get a better picture of where I would be if I split from my husband now.
It wasn't ideal. Basically, it is challenging for me to get custody at my daughter's age. She is 11. When she is 13, it would likely be a lot easier for me providing she states that her preference is to live with me (at this point she unequivocally would). A lot of you will understand why custody is so important to me because of the effectiveness (lack of) in parenting with ADHD. My husband has a terrible relationship with our daughter.
I am struggling. I know I want out and the anxiety from staying in this marriage is so detrimental to me. I don't sleep well and my body is in a constant state of unease. I want so badly to take action that I know would be healthy for ME. But I can't take an action that would ease my suffering but put my girl in jeopardy of living with her dad part time. Looking at a minimum of two more years like this feels so insurmountable to me physically, emotionally, mentally.
I just need some consoling from people who get it. Or something. I don't even know.
I do get it.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I do get it.
Here is one suggestion: Try to keep in mind that your reason for waiting to file for divorce is to protect your child. That is a very good reason. And while you're waiting, you can be preparing in other ways (not all of which might be relevant to you): getting your finances in order, making copies of important documents, learning new job skills, engaging in self-care.
what is really illogical mental illness
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Preparing for the divorce over an extended period should dramatically lessen your legal expenses if you can gather all the supporting documents and prepare your financial overview without (expensive) legal help. It is not hard but it is laborious and staying focused to do it right is very hard to do during the first few 'scrambling' months of an actual physical separation (I'm involved in this now.) Take the time to plan your expected living budget for after you are separated. You will need to 'do it' and then revise it many times. It will be much less stressful when you are not in a daily 'crisis' (more that the usual ADHD chaos that is). Find an ADHD-savvy therapist to specifically help you emotionally prepare for the separation and divorce. You'll get a world of comfort when the therapist immediately believes your ADHD-enabler war stories and doesn't waste your time with may weeks of discussing 'logical approaches' to what is really illogical mental illness (there I said it).
Hi 1Melody1,
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
Hi 1Melody1,
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I totally understand how frustrating and deflating and hard and sad it all is. I am also exploring divorce from my husband and saw a separation coach yesterday. I'm not sure if that type of service exists in your state/province (I'm in Canada), but this coach I saw totally gets it and gives advice that is empowering and prepares a person for divorce given the type of (ineffective) partner we are dealing with in our cases. She basically will be coaching me and telling me all that I need to do in a way that minimizes the damage emotionally and financially with a spouse, particularly when negotiating and mediating custody (decision-making)/access.
I hope you're able to focus on some self-care and minimizing the anxiety for yourself and your daughter.
Hugs,
HD
1Melody1 .....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I don't know if this helps, but in my case, when I filed for divorce it was a bit of a mess.
I had been a stay at home parent for 8 years, and I had no job. Most of my immediate family was supportive, once they knew what I had been keeping from them about my marriage and how bad it was. My Dad however, was another story. My Dad thought it best that I stay married for another 10 years, until both of our children were out of High School.
The thought of putting up with another decade of abuse was more than I could bear. I thought I would lose my mind before then. Not to mention, I'd be starting over again at 56. I know about putting children first, and I understand how hard it it for you. Find a way to take care of yourself, as it will benefit both you and your daughter.
How to stop being so effected....
Submitted by c ur self on
I was a basket case after 4 years...( I was a basket case the whole first 4 years of our marriage I should say)....You are probably doing what I was doing (or some of the things I was doing those first 4.5 years)....Expecting my W to do the work of a W...To show positive interest in the everyday responsibilities that come in a marriage...I was looking for someone to share in life with....But what I got was someone who's mind worked in only selfish ways (impaired functioning)....Someone who's whole though process revolved around "How can I entertain myself"? And how can I use my new husband's commitment and work ethic to make that happen?
Sadly I can't tell you that I was able to move into a better place while living in the same house with her....We separated for 11 months....It took me 6 of those to accept she wasn't changing, she had no desire or power too....It also took me the whole 11 months (lots of praying) to get my anxiety under control and come to realize I was my own worst enemy, for wanting her to be someone she (because of her add, and the things she loved (put her energy into) in this world) could never be....
We were in marriage counseling 8 and half of those 11 months....I knew she wanted to come home, so I finally got my head clear enough to calmly think about the boundaries that must go into place (and be agreed upon) for that to happen....It's a difficult thing to tell you ADHD spouse that there will be boundaries and we will BOTH respect them if I stay in this marriage....But it's the only way!....(I'm sure it's even harder for women who might cower down to bulling and manipulation)
All I know is, I was so overwhelmed by her lack of concern for me and the marriage, that it was dominating my thinking, it was destructive to my health in every facet, emotionally, psychologically and physically.....
I want recommend going or staying, only you can know that....But, I will recommend that you put your thoughts down on paper (Print out all of your posts) and take them to a counselor....Go by yourself and let them work with you on setting boundaries...On how to free yourself from expectations.....The counselor may have helpful idea's to eliminate, or drastically reduce your stress and anxiety....I can tell you this, until we learn to accept the ups and downs, until we learn to live like they don't exist when it comes to the responsibilities of life, we will suffer! And our thoughts will be dominated by their lack of concern....It's almost automatic, for me anyway....
My wife can't understand why she can't convince me to go out of the Country with her in April....She can't understand why she can't get me to commit to that in the next three days, so we can book the cheap prices...First; the times I have gone, is 85% for her...Which is fine, I love her...BUT, LOL...She can't focus on making the trip about a Loving Husband, and a Loving Wife, being able to enjoy something together....Her whole focus gets dominated by the place...Same with people....Her priorities flip flop, she falls into a tunnel vision hyper focus that is all about..."What do I want"?....I for the most part cease to exist, and when I bother to attempt to bring that to light...She will pout or withdraw or argue.....Who wants to drop 3 or 4 grand to experience that? Not me, not again anyway....
I'm not saying I want go places with her...But it will have to be planned by 2...Not by 1.....I refuse to go or do anything where we are going to be away from our own beds...Out of town in any fashion, without agreement's concerning every aspect of the trip....(Planning meetings)....
I will pray for you melody
c
No need to wait
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, Melody,
When I was considering divorce, I was able to have free consultations with a few attorneys through the local chapter of a national women's organization. I suggest you continue learning about your options rather than feeling you should wait.
All the best,
Angie
Thank you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I just want to thank everyone who took the time to post. I have read your kind and supportive words many times and they got me through a very hard day. I will definitely be able to take some of these suggestions and some of the advice on mindset. It is invaluable to have this community of people that "get" it.
Divorce
Submitted by Alone on
It sounds like that is the common theme!!! It is so hard when there are children involved. I know my son sees what has happened to our marriage. I was hoping for 1 more year till our son is in college. It is so un fair for kids to live with a parent that has adhd and is in denial on how it affects the family. When I read all the posts it reminds me I’m not crazy! My spouse is so selfish. He only thinks of himself. He wants a divorce so he can get on with his life. He told me he has only 20 years left to fulfill his dreams. Of course it is all about him!!!! He recently purchased an expensive vehicle. I told him no because he had a 2year old car ( which had the bells and whistles) . My car is used and just has the basics. Most importantly was we have a son going off to college and we are getting close to retirement. Well he left one night and came home with a new vehicle. He also took out a loan for almost all of it by himself without my knowledge. Spend ,spend,spend!!!!! He says he deserves it. He also told me that if I worked full time I could have a new car too. I work part time. But as many of you know we are the housekeepers, book keepers, grocery shoppers, home maintenance, gardeners and cooks. So I work over full time!!! While he pursues his career and spends time doing other things that are fun and not with me. I’m so tired of being ignored!!! I agree with the gentleman about vacations. He only goes if it is something he wants to do. When my son was young I wanted to go to Disney. He said that was not his kind of vacation. So went with my son with my brother and his family. Most vacations have been without him. Sorry for all the ranting but it feels good to get it out to people that understand. We are meeting with a mediator this week. What’s funny about that is he never wants to be with me or spend any time talking so how is that going to work? That’s what ruined our marriage. Mediators are for couples that can worktogether. Plus how can one trust him when he has done so many things underhandedly. I can’t anymore. He betrayed my trust!!! This should be interesting!! The only way I cope is thru my faith and counseling. I just have to think positive.
Mediation fears - I share those
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am so sorry you're going through this, Alone. I, too, wonder what mediation will be like with my husband when we get there. Because my main concern is custody, I am fearful of working on this with him because he does not have an accurate reality when it comes to himself as a parent. Our daughter walks by and he says hi to her and he thinks he's doing a great job. So many days are like this... he barely even crosses her path and definitely doesn't do any "parenting." Support would also be a battle since he is intentionally unemployed. I feel like he might come after me for money after all I have done. He also has a ton of cash hidden around the house that I will never be able to account for and I don't think he will be forthcoming about. It's just crazy and the worst case scenarios can turn me into a real mess if I let them.
Hopefully because your husband initiated the split, he will be generous and try to make mediation work. I really hope so. It sounds like you deserve to be happy and are very capable. Who knows what this chapter will lead to for you... the new friends you might make, the vacations you'll take, etc. It's time for life to be about YOU!
Yes. It is so so hard. I
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Yes. It is so so hard. I couldn't imagine my ex being responsible for our 20 month old for 5 minutes. Yet I wish I had left sooner. He was hurting me. I finally left when he hurt her. He had supervised visitation for 5 years. And now he has primary custody. It broke my heart in two. He dragged me back to court every couple of years and each time he got more. First the supervision was lifted, then he got overnights, then when she was 14 he got primary custody. The judge declared that he could see that my ex was a changed man and our daughter should live with him. 2 months later this "changed man" was fired from his job for abusing his staff.
I know you are anxious. I was terrified that he would abduct her even when he had supervised vvisitation...and I would never see her again.
I am still coping with PTSD. All I can say is the sooner you leave him the sooner you can start to breathe again. After I left I felt like I had just been released from prison.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sucks sh*t.
Does the judge know about this?
Submitted by repeat that please on
"I finally left when he hurt her."
What does that mean? What did he do? Are the legal authorities aware of this?
She was 18 months old. He
Submitted by daizzebelle on
She was 18 months old. He said that he was carrying her and walking up the stairs to a friend's apartment and he accidentally dropped her and she accidentally fell down a flight of stairs. I did not believe him. She had a big bump on her head. She also had a large bruise on top of her foot and she was limping. I took her to the ER. They x rayed her foot. Luckily it was not broken. They checked out her head and said she had a concussion. I never let him take her anywhere after that.
Man
Submitted by repeat that please on
Thank God she's alright.