My best friend - it took us a long time to become best friends. We met online and at some point exchanged phone numbers. Over a several year time span, it was me who did all the initiating of the friendship. I called. I sent messages.
She’s always been the most amazing friend in terms of understanding and loving me at my most ugly points and in spite of my faults. That’s why I kept pursuing the friendship. But after time and time again of being told she’d call, and then she never did, I would go long spells of keeping our friendship to online because she didn’t seem invested.
Eventually, she started responding more and more to me. But still, I usually had to do almost all of the initiating. And right now, we are both going through some personal struggles. I want her to be there for me, like I’m trying to be for her, and she’s dropped off the map again. It’s been years since it happened. But here it is again. And I’m angry over it. I want to support her and get support, too.
Maybe it’s because I get so much neglect from my adhd husband. Maybe that’s why this is such a big deal to me. All I know is I’m angry, and I’m tired of being the one who reaches out and meets empty air.
I went years
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I went years with only my sisters and mother as friends. It seems that the close female friends I had did not want to put forth effort in our friendship. It was me who made the phone calls, me who made the plans. If I didn't call them I wouldn't hear from them for long stretches of time. I decided that I was tired of doing all the doing if you get my meaning.
During my marriage, I really could have used friends to lean on. Relationships are give and take whether they are romantic ones or friendships. After my divorce I decided that if the relationship didn't go both ways I was better off without it.
If someone cares about me, they will care enough to send a note, text, email or call once in awhile. It shouldn't always be on me to do these things.
I have two female friends that I used to work with in retail. The three of us get together at least once a month and have dinner and drinks and spend hours chatting together and laughing. We don't text or phone each other every week, but we keep in touch through Facebook and agree to meet at least once a month. The three of us are at different places in our lives. My friends are semi-retired. They basically work for extra money. I'm years away from being retired. We still make time to get together because it's important to us.
Adele
Submitted by Brindle on
Yes, I understand about being the person who does all the doing. That’s the way of most of our relationship. Except for her emotional support. She’s very caring. She’s super empathetic. And we just “get” each other in most things.
I’ve decided to back off for now. I think I’m too sensitive to handle this well with everything else that’s currently going on in my life.
The importance of friends
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I sympathize with what you're going through. You are worth the effort. I have let go of a few friends like this over the years and it hurts.
My best friend moved away and my old friends only keep in touch once in awhile. I have no one to lean on or just enjoy time with - and as I take steps to leave my marriage, I really feel the void right now. My therapist recommended that I get out and take classes to create a new support network. She said that the more I can get that in place before I leave, the easier the transition will be for me. I know she is right and I have taken her advice by joining new things. However, friendships take time and it is harder in mid-life I think!
Melody, thank you
Submitted by Brindle on
When I read that I’m worth the effort, I teared up. Thank you for such a caring response.
Yes, getting out and starting new support is a good idea. I need to think outside the box to make it work, but it is doable. Thank you.
Why?
Submitted by c ur self on
I have to ask my self why, when it comes to actions of friends...Just like the actions of family, co-workers, etc....When a friend isn't meeting my expectations, (if I have any) or when they seem to be changing in their behavior toward me...I must ask my self why? Is it something I'm doing, or saying, that is causing the change?...People who care about us, (but have no ties other than friendship) may find it easier (less stressful, less likely to hurt us are damage the relationship that we do have) to just engage us less, if they aren't comfortable with our mind-set, or with the subject matter we dump on them...
I know from experience that a hurting person (difficult marriage) can put a lot of stress on our relationships w/ family and close friends...What ever is dominating our minds, will just spill out onto the people we know we can trust...But it's never fair to do them that away....In hind site I put a lot of stress on my relationships w/ my closest friends and adult children in those early years....A drowning man (or women) is always looking for a life-preserver....The sad part about it is, all we are doing is hurting those who care about us the most...Because they can't do one thing to help it....Only we can.....
I'm not saying you do this, maybe you have disciplined yourself to never speak about your troubled home life....For years I didn't do so well....It's so much better for me now days...I"ve learned to take my life back...I've learned to make my interactions w/ my children and close friends about us, our relationship, our common interests....
That is a huge reason I have found so much comfort, right here!...Because I can learn, I can vent, I can be comforted and I can attempt to comfort...I can see my thought processes, how they change, just by looking back at my post history.....
c
C ur self
Submitted by Brindle on
I would agree except that this is my best friend, and in our friendship, we share everything. It’s a cliche best friend situation between two women. We both have difficult marriages. We both have kids with higher needs. We have so much in common, and we understand each other’s lives better than most people.
She says that other people in her life have always wondered why she doesn’t keep up with them. So this isn’t an isolated incident. It’s a pattern, and she has said multiple times that she wonders if she has adhd. She also says she has a hard time making friends, but from what I know of her, it wouldn’t be that she can’t make friends. It is that she can’t keep them because she doesn’t reach out nearly as often as people expect in a friendship. She even has said before that she’s afraid I will move on from being her friend (and things were totally fine when she said it).
I’ve decided for now to just back off and let her come to me, which I realize is going to mean that I won’t hear from her much. It hurts, but this is part of accepting who she is, and if she asks why I stopped reaching out, I’m going to be honest.
On second thought...
Submitted by Brindle on
I’ve decided to treat this like any other friend who might be pulling inward when things in their life have gotten “more.”
First, I know my own feelings are more sensitive in general because of my own cumulative stress. So I shouldn’t take my own reactions with too much seriousness. I’m not able to be completely objective.
Secondly, I need to put the adhd distractibility aside. She may just be struggling enough with her own things that she doesn’t have it to give right now, and don’t we all reach that point at times? Her past issues aren’t necessarily what is behind this. It could be something else, and I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt.
So I’m going to send caring texts so she knows I’m around if she needs me, but not expect any in return. And in the space she has left in my life because she’s pulling back, I’m going to start building other support systems.
You are a good person,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You are a good person, Brindle. I have a friend who has been struggling mightily in her marriage (and now in divorce) for several years. I want to continue being her friend, not least because she seems to have very few friends and a very small support system. But she is difficult to put up with. I'm trying to get through by selectively ignoring her emails, especially the ones in which she goes on and on about how horrible her ex-husband is. I don't even respond. Yes, he's horrible but her dwelling on this fact is not, as far as I can tell, helping her cope with her present situation. But when I can say something positive to her, I do.
Thank you for the
Submitted by Brindle on
Thank you for the encouragement, PI. I hope your friend finds some peace and rest apart from her ex...
Expectations
Submitted by skriti659 on
I know it's quite frustrating and tiring to fill the void. It's annoying when someone doesn't give you attention and care the way you give them. But it's okay, it's happening with everyone. You shouldn't expect anything from anyone. You don't need any other person to make you feel happy. Please refer https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Relationship%20counselling/LocationSea... to take online counseling. It'll help you feel better.
Expectations
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
The only expectations I have is to be treated like a human being, with courtesy that is not always common these days.