I've been really sick the past week. I missed two days of work because I was coughing so hard. My sinuses are finally draining, and it feels like my brain is leaking out of my nose.
After my wife left for work, our daughter stalled on getting dressed. Then she said she could not find the pants my wife left for her. I found them. No, those do not fit. I searched and searched through piles of unorganized clothes and finally found one single pair of tights. Then she stalled because she could not tell which side was the front. She refused to just try one side and the switch it around if needed--once she takes them off they are "dirty." Meanwhile, my son would not get out of bed. I was on the phone with my wife a lot of the time, but did not get much useful information. Finally my daughter tried on the tights. Then she stalled for brushing hair. By the time I got her to school, it was too late to park in the school lot to sign her in to morning care. I had to park on the street and hope that it was not a teachers only spot. Then I still had to drop off our son.
Last night was our couples therapist, but my wife had other plans to see a show. I was to go by myself. We don't have a sitter and we can't trust our kids together alone, so our daughter had to come with me. She refused and refused and refused. I finally got there about 20 minutes late.
My wife is visiting relatives on the other side of the country next month. I don't know how I can make it through a week with the kids!
I have told my wife:
1) She can't sleep half an hour later than me. She needs to get up and start working on the kids when I get up and start working on the pets.
2) Having one set of clothes for our daughter is not good enough. We have to have choices for her in case she decides she won't wear something.
3) All of our clothes have to be organized, not thrown into mixed piles. This often happens because my wife will take all of the laundry that was being sorted on our bed and then just throw it into piles without sorting right before bedtime. I sort the clothes into separate piles and put mine away to the degree that it is possible (we need more space, which we are planning to have by adding a dresser to a spare room--but we have to get around to painting the room first.)
But I have said these things before...
I feel for you...But there are some things you can do.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have a friend who's child is so add, that he wakes him up 30 minutes before he has to be up getting ready for shool and gives him his medicine...(It's well in his system in those 30 minutes) He also disciplines him when it's needed....Which was much of the time a few years ago...It's working, he is getting better about life management, and less defiant...
A few suggestions:...A wife and children like you are dealing with, takes ton's of discipline and patients on your part....(The only mature one who see's the chaos and dysfunction coming everyday) It seems to me (based on these heart wrenching posts) you stay more stressed out trying to depend on your add spouse, than you would living like she doesn't exist...(I tried to count on my wife early on in our marriage, but had to stop that) Your children are old enough to clean their rooms and learn to lay out their shool clothes, before bed time....They should have very strict bed times (plenty of sleep is a must for any child, but, especially for fast minded children)...They should not be allowed TV's or electronics in their rooms, especially on shool nights....I suggest you make your world a little smaller...I hate what you going through, but, only you can drop the hammer....It don't matter how much they don't like it! Your the Father, (you are responsible) when they grow up and start paying their own way in life, then they can manage their lives like they chose...But under your roof, there needs to be rules! And they need to be enforced (and not with arguments!) ....Your son needs his on alarm clock, and when he don't get up, hit him in the face w/ a little ice water, and if he don't like that, there is always a belt for that bottom....He is ignoring you, because he has no fear of real punishment....Only you can change that....
Hopefully your children (the whole family) get to take walks, and play outside, and get exercise, it too is extremely valuable ........These things are just my opinions, but, I think you should take the bull by the horn here (no matter what your wife thinks)..Change things up some...It's obvious arguing w/ minors ain't cutting it..... I hope you are feeling better!
c
BOP
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Firstly, you have my sympathy. You are dealing with a very difficult situation and it doesn't sound like you and your wife are on the same page nor do you play to one another's strengths. Presumably you're addressing that in the couples therapy.
You sound in need of some TLC for yourself. I'm sorry that you may not have anyone to give that to you in your life right now, but you need to do something with people that at least doesn't tear you down. Do some social activity on your own where you interact with people who are pleasant. I don't know you, but there are groups out there - community libraries are a resource, meet-up groups are a resource, lots of gyms out there with fun classes, sports bars where you can play pool or darts (you don't have to drink alcohol). There is a way!
I'll jump in since you've put it out here, but please, these are just suggestions - take it or leave it. The numbered items you wrote are about what someone else could do (your wife). I think you need to focus on what you can do. If you are the main caregiver in the morning then you need to organize it so it works for you. I think your daughter should have her own laundry baskets for dirty and clean clothes. Her clothes should be washed by themselves so they don't need to be sorted from the rest of the family's. They can be dumped into a clean basket after they've been laundered and she can look for her clothes in there. Work with her during some down time to make sure she has enough clothes that actually do fit and enough pairs of everything to get her through the week. Then, let natural consequences have their effect. Whatever she has on when it's time to go is what she wears to school - period. If her hair isn't brushed, she goes to school with messy hair. YOU are the dad. You need to be firm and consistent - no nagging, no arguing, no big explanations, just, "this is the way it is". Some things aren't optional. Choose your battles (priorities) - let the rest go - but don't give way on the things that you have decided are essentials. Discuss them during down time if you think that's helpful, but no discussion allowed during the "getting ready for school" time. Don't call your wife. You make it work for you. I think you might be a perfectionist, but you'll be less stressed if you can let some things go. You don't have to paint that room. You do need to streamline and standardize your morning routine - that will improve your life and your daughter's. Get a table to sort the clothes on. Or just get more laundry baskets. I use round ones for dirty clothes and rectangular ones for clean clothes. Ideal world, everything gets folded and put away; real world, you dig through the basket and at least have clean clothes to put on.
When I was in school, we got ourselves there - we walked, rode our bikes, or took the school bus. Rides from Dad were a privilege and a treat and we certainly didn't keep him waiting - he wouldn't wait - and he left when it suited him - we could be ready at that time or find our own way to school. I really don't know how that worked fine back then, but seems to be unheard of for many families these days. Kids still have legs and there are still school buses. I doubt your son is at much risk for being abducted. Again, natural consequences - if he's not ready on time, he gets left behind and has to get to school on his own. If he's late or doesn't go, he gets in trouble at school.
You aren't really doing your kids any favors by letting them manipulate you. You have to have respect for yourself in order for them to have respect for you. Your time is valuable. You are supporting them. You need to get to work on time - not negotiable.
SweetandSour
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
"Do some social activity on your own where you interact with people who are pleasant." That is my volunteer work.
"I think your daughter should have her own laundry baskets for dirty and clean clothes. Her clothes should be washed by themselves so they don't need to be sorted from the rest of the family's. They can be dumped into a clean basket after they've been laundered and she can look for her clothes in there. Work with her during some down time to make sure she has enough clothes that actually do fit and enough pairs of everything to get her through the week."
We are going to try to get her doing her own laundry, but she won't clean her room. She complains about being our "slave" over any simple chore, such as putting away silverware. Last night, her brother complained about us wanting "free labor"--washing his laundry! I reminded him this morning about my sister, who was still bringing laundry home at 30. When my mother tried to stop once, my sister attempted suicide.
"Then, let natural consequences have their effect. Whatever she has on when it's time to go is what she wears to school - period. If her hair isn't brushed, she goes to school with messy hair. YOU are the dad."
Theoretically, yes. But she will not physically cooperate. She will refuse to leave. A few years ago, I was having trouble getting her to school and tried to get down on her level to talk to her. She would not even look at me. I wound up trying to turn her head toward me. She told the school I hurt her neck. My wife yelled at me over the phone in front of the school and made it sound much worse ("Don't you ever put your hands on her body in that way"--as if I had molested her.) Children's services investigated. I was seriously considering divorce given how hard my wife came down on me. In short, I can't physically force her to do anything for fear of being charged with child abuse. (This has not stopped my wife from using stronger physical force on her than I used on that day.)
"I think you might be a perfectionist, but you'll be less stressed if you can let some things go."
You have me confused with my wife. She will not let anything go, resulting in battle after battle with the kids. Even though she agrees to let things go.
"I doubt your son is at much risk for being abducted. Again, natural consequences - if he's not ready on time, he gets left behind and has to get to school on his own. If he's late or doesn't go, he gets in trouble at school."
That is what we (I) have been trying to do this year, BUT my wife freaked out after he missed another complete day of school last week and told me that I could not leave without him. Our daughter can't be left alone given how much trouble she gets into. Last weekend, for example, she sprayed all of my shaving gel into a heating vent. Last night, my wife wanted to take her to a fun event--Girl Scouts. My wife was in tears because she could not make it on time and she is the troop leader. Once they left, our daughter ran out of the car because she insisted in going back home for her hair brush. She promised to run right in and out, but took several minutes. Then she started filling a big sports bottle with iced tea, even as I repeatedly told her not to. And she spilled some.
Agree with C
Submitted by adhd32 on
Sorry for the chaos, there are things you can do. I would start by having the kids prepare for the next day before they go to bed. Bags packed by the door, clothes selected and all parts of ensemble assembled, breakfast set out. Forget about your wife helping and set some rules for the kids, for your own sanity. I don't know why you would be on the phone with your wife if she is there but I would not engage her in conversation in any way. If she wants to assist great otherwise she should not be involved. Require your children to do more for themselves as they are certainly old enough to be responsible. You are raising future adults who need to learn skills to survive. Constantly giving into clothing whims and tantrums is crazy. Have the kids sort their clothing and organize their things. If daughter is responsible for her clothing you won't be involved in her irrational behavior. Get you son several alarm clocks set them to go off every few minutes and position them so he has to get out of be to turn them off. Set a timer that goes off when it is time to leave and everyone goes even if half dressed in PJs, didn't wash up, no breakfast; no discussions, no coaxing, no bribing, just get in the car. If things go well a privilege can be given if not, one is removed. If you stay strong and ignore the whining you can have a better morning and when they see you are serious the drama will end. My children, both with issues, were similar when they were young making the AM bedlam. My suggestions are what worked for me, there was never any help from my H because he was gone at 6am. I did not have a job where I could just show up 15 minutes late so there was no compromising they had to just do it. Someone has to be in charge, it should not be your kids.
adhd32
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
"I don't know why you would be on the phone with your wife if she is there but I would not engage her in conversation in any way. "
I could not find any pants! I needed to ask her where to look for pants.
"Require your children to do more for themselves as they are certainly old enough to be responsible. You are raising future adults who need to learn skills to survive. Constantly giving into clothing whims and tantrums is crazy. Have the kids sort their clothing and organize their things. If daughter is responsible for her clothing you won't be involved in her irrational behavior."
Theoretically, yes. But they show no signs of responsibility. Neither one of them will clean their own rooms. I once suggested to her that we could solve the problem by going through and getting rid of things that do not fit her. She blew up at me and would not listen to anything I said about how it would help. No, no, no.
". If things go well a privilege can be given if not, one is removed. "
Neither of them responds to consequences, positive or negative. If we take our son's Switch away, he will do anything to get it back--go into our room, swipe our car keys to get it out of the trunk--anything accept obey the rules that got it taken away in the first place.
"If you stay strong and ignore the whining you can have a better morning and when they see you are serious the drama will end."
I have done a relatively good job at staying calm in the face of whining. The problem is that my wife does a horrible job of this and feeds the troll. She rages and rages. She also makes a big deal of my son cursing, which only encourages him to curse more.
bowlofpetunias
Submitted by Brindle on
I don’t have any answers for you. I am sorry for the level of stress you feel in this situation. It is hard to have kids who are unmotivated by consequences or rewards. I have one such kid. With time it got better, but I don’t know why. I don’t know if it was time and maturity or... what. I hope you also see change.
I’m glad to read that you have an outlet that brings something positive to your life. I’m sorry things are this hard, and I wish there was an easier way.
(Edited because I am not sure all I said earlier was helpful or encouraging)