we, ADHDers, expect that much of the time, you can't hear us, either. I suspected that you faked hearing just like I did. Remember when the limo driver caught Elaine hearing?
So, when I tell you something, I often don't believe you've actually heard me and ergo I won't be held accountable.
(It is not that I'm purposely being deceptive. It's just simple reality. No one expects anyone to pay attention to them that closely. Everybody is running around uttering stuff, that's all. It's just the way things are. That's my interpretation of life after 40 years of negotiating a world without the ability to pay attention consistently.)
It's just an innocent assumption. Since I have no clue that there's anything wrong with me, you must "hear" on a hit or miss basis, too. I can toss stuff out there half-kidding or half-serious. Who knows if others will pick up on something? It's all a big game, anyway. If I can't figure out what's going on, how can you?
Assuming
Submitted by adhd32 on
People without ADD don't usually have fake hearing as we can hear and remember what was said 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days, or 10 years ago. We can even hear a conversation and absorb the details while bathing a child, cooking a meal, or cleaning the house. The fact that you don't believe this and you feel that "no one expects anyone to pay attention to them that closely" is the basis of communication difficulties with an ADDer.
By assuming non spouse cannot remember the details of a conversation, ADDer tries to flip the script when caught doing something or not doing something they promised to do. And the ADD becomes a handy excuse. Often accusations are made that the truth never happened and things that were agreed to were never discussed. But how can one with ADD always be so very sure when they cannot remember to shut off the water or pick up the kids from school? How can ADDer be so certain of their faulty recollection? Why won't someone with an ADD mind consider that maybe, just maybe, they didn't catch all the important points and they filled in the blanks with untruths rather than arguing around in circles, deflecting and blaming?
Because often there is no effort to learn new ways to pay attention and follow through, conversations usually end in arguments. The non spouse can remember in fine detail the conversations and promises. The ADD spouse cannot. The ADD spouse fills in the blanks, forgetting important details, and then deflects and blames when held to the forgotten promises.
Instead of ADD spouse assuming his patchwork version of an event or conversation is indeed what happen he could consider that his version is full of holes and defer to the person who can actually remember the details. But my experience has been that ADD H will steadfastly stick to his imaginary recollection and deflect and lie to save face rather than concede that his remembrance never happened.
Some of my thoughts I share
Submitted by repeat that please on
Some of my thoughts I share from my personal perspective. Other thoughts express what I believe are typical of the kinds of things we go through as children and as adults extending all the way back to the 40's and 50's through to today. Despite the gains science has achieved in explaining this phenomenon, much of the public remains uninformed.
"People without ADD don't usually have fake hearing..."
How would I, the ADHDER, know that?
"The fact that you don't believe this and you feel that 'no one expects anyone to pay attention to them that closely' is the basis of communication difficulties with an ADDer"
The basis for communication troubles is I can't hear you. Do I know I can't hear? I can hear just fine. My hearing has been checked and everything is normal. I fail constantly and I don't know why. I can't tell why I'm different. No one's ever explained what's wrong with me except that I am stupid. So, I guess I'm stupid. Or, I guess you can't follow conservations or instructions, either--although I don't phrase it like that in my mind. I don't know that I can't follow what's being said. I hear words. I don't know much except that I can't do whatever I'm supposed to and others can, so I must be stupid and I also guess at what's wrong. I just don't know. My mom and dad say I'm lazy, a quitter, ungrateful, not that I'm stupid. There are times I can get by, like during recess when we all run around.
The fact is: I'm no good. I get that. That's the crux of everything, but I don't know why, really. But, I learn that about me real well. That's pounded into me all the time, but, I never know what's so terrible about me. I can't figure it out. I don't want to be no good. I want to learn. I love learning. Everything fascinates me. I don't try to ruin their lives and make them scream and threaten and insult and condemn me day after day inside school and at home. I'm scared though, cause I don't know what's going on and I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to correct it.
"Meanwhile back in the year one
When you belonged to no one
You didn't stand a chance, son
If your pants were undone
'Cause you were bred, for humanity
And sold to society
One day you'll wake up, in the present day
A million generations removed from expectations
Of being who you really want to be"
I Anderson
"How can ADDer be so certain of their faulty recollection?"
What is ADHD? Adults don't have it and besides, only kids who are hyperactive have it.
A start
No Effort
Submitted by repeat that please on
"Because often there is no effort to learn new ways to pay attention and follow through..."
What would you do to get out of hell? Literally. Anything, correct? Same here.
I pay attention
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This is a great example of how all of us can assume our way of doing things is the same as everyone else's. I did the same thing with MY way of communicating for 40 years. When someone says something to me, I really listen. If I promise to do something, I always do it. So when over and over again, someone forgets something important I have told them while looking me in the eye, I feel unheard, unimportant and resentful. When my husband says things like, "I'll clean up." and then doesn't follow through 95% of the time, I am absolutely perplexed. If I say I will clean something up, I clean it up. Every time. I don`t ever just throw things out there that aren't "real" unless we have established we are having a hypothetical conversation.
Communication isn't a game to me at all - it is people connecting. And even though I know what I know about my husband's untreated ADHD, this is still very difficult for me to grasp. It is difficult not to be heard most of the time. It feels like lack of care for what I have to say.
I only really recently realized that people "run around uttering stuff" like you described. When I say something, I 100% without fail mean it! And I thought everyone was that way. But my husband can say, "I am going to paint this cabinet tonight." And then not do it that night... or ever, in fact. Or he might say, "I think we should go to Hawaii for our vacation this summer." I get all excited and maybe start sending him flight prices and he never says another word about it.
There is an enormous disconnect here.
It is difficult not to be heard most of the time. It feels like
Submitted by repeat that please on
"It feels like lack of care for what I have to say."
And when put upon to explain what just happened--that I failed again--I have no explanation. I don't know what you said. I don't know what I didn't hear. I was off to the races in my mind, but I won't learn that for 30 years. So, I'm left in shame in front of the entire school assembly, knowing I can't announce what I'm supposed to, not knowing why I can't, over and over as each kid addresses everyone after I failed to introduce each one and my ears are burning red hot, and the kid who thinks he's the toughest kid in the school finds me afterwards and mocks me. He doesn't know that dad says I'm the toughest guy in school or-- don't come home.
"There is an enormous disconnect here." You got it. That's it!
Communication isn't a game to me at all
Submitted by repeat that please on
Communication isn't a game to me at all
"So when over and over again, someone forgets something important I have told them while looking me in the eye, I feel unheard, unimportant and resentful."
I don't like to brag. Really. And, it's not that I'm particularly loaded with talent, either, that I reveal this to you. But, in all humility and honesty, I will admit, while looking you in the eye, I am the greatest actor who ever lived.
I had to be to get by, and so did many others who were chosen to carry this special burden known as ADHD.
My BF, too had to be a great
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My BF, too had to be a great actor to survive his childhood. In certain situations, he still is. I have learned that it is not about me, and I know the reasons behind his actions. While looking me in the eye, he has told me a lie that I knew was a lie as soon as the words left his lips. I didn't call him on it. Even knowing the reasons behind it, it still hurt me.
As a side note.............what is the point in engaging in any type of conversation if the person I'm speaking with is not listening? Might as well be talking to a wall, or a tree. I stopped talking to my then husband because he didn't care what I had to say. I didn't speak unless I was spoken to for YEARS. Crazy.
EDIT******
I know that listening and hearing are two different things, just as reading and comprehending are two different things, and both don't necessarily occur together.
Oh Momma, We listen!
Submitted by repeat that please on
"As a side note.............what is the point in engaging in any type of conversation if the person I'm speaking with is not listening? Might as well be talking to a wall, or a tree."
ADHD is a paradox. We can't hear you, but we listen to you very carefully. We listen to your tone, your inflections, your pauses, to what you omit, to the length of sentences, how they are phrased, what you are expressing, not your words. We listen to your breathing, how tight your jaw is, we watch your eyes and mouth and eyebrows and your chest for the way you are breathing, your hands, arms, your posture, we listen for pressured speech, for hints of fear, frustration, impatience, sadness, happiness, eagerness, being fed up, exhaustion, loneliness, joy, disappointment, nervousness, confusion, being tongue tied, embarrassment. We pay attention to all those kinds of things at once, instantly, then we dash off in our ADHD brains to others nearby, or the DJ in the background or the newsman, or the sound of the wind. We return for a split second to take another snapshot, and run all that kind of data about you through our sensors again to double check to see if our first instantaneous impression is correct.
We don't miss anything except your words.
I appreciate you sharing your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I appreciate you sharing your experiences here. However, I'm uncomfortable when you say "we" when discussing your reactions and behaviors in certain circumstances because it implies that all people with ADHD experience the world the same way that you do. Your experience of the world might be relevant to how my ex-husband experiences the world but it might not.
I know what you mean.
Submitted by repeat that please on
How do you think our experiences would differ?
I never wanted a spouse to
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I never wanted a spouse to look me in the eye as an actor or spouting another lie that I knew was a lie as soon as it left his lips. I wanted a spouse to look me in the eye and connect with me in a way that made it feel as though I mattered. Hell, to make it feel as if I was even THERE at all.
I get all of this. I see it everyday. I am literally surrounded by adolescent ADD'ers all day. I get the struggle.
Despite developing a decent understanding of ADD, I still couldn't live with the lies (by ommission or any other reason) and the insane invisibility of my life inside an ADD marriage. At least, not without my ex H trying to do something about it ...
Do you know how to make God laugh?
Submitted by repeat that please on
Tell Him your plans.
I didn't choose the type of brain I'd get. (I love my ADHD brain now.) I don't want anyone to go through hell with this Beast, quite frankly. But, I am what I am and I never wanted to deceive others, period. It wasn't a conscious choice for me as much a it was a way to compensate for not being able to function like an ordinary person.
Who likes to admit defeat? Who wants to fail constantly? Who wants to accept deep down that she just can't cut it? Defense mechanisms keep us coping. They are essential for our survival. It takes courage to face yourself and recognize there is a problem. Like an alcoholic who needs to hit his bottom, whatever that may be for him, it takes what it takes (usually lots of pain from my experience, anyway) to look seriously at our shortcomings. Many of us never do. Many of us, of all types, from all walks of life, never grow up. It is tough to do. Very tough, don't you think?
When I saw in a newspaper article at age 40 a list of traits of adults with ADHD, and I majored in every one, I was ready to explore the issue. For years I worked professionally with kids who were so diagnosed and I didn't recognize anything in them that was relevant to my life. Nothing. Depending on where I was at in my life, I very well may have ignored the topic, scoffing at any suggestion I might have it. I knew I struggled with life, but come on! What could ADHD possibly have to do with me?
One dose of Ritalin opened my eyes to exactly what ADHD had to do with me! It had destroyed me. It beat the tar out of me for years. It locked me in prison since the third grade. It took my youth, my ability to learn, to function, to excel, to fulfill my innate desire to accomplish tasks, to achieve, to grow and to mature. It stifled my natural sense of curiosity. It called me names, ruined my family, targeted me for abuse and rejection by the people I loved the most. It left me an orphan, but no one knew I was all alone. It destroyed my confidence. Itr generated powerful, merciless feelings of self-loathing that haunt me to this day. It threw me out of classrooms as a little innocent guy, to go sit in someone else's class where I put my head down in disgrace. It gave teachers the ammunition they needed to shame and reject and make fun of me in front of other kids and teachers.
I am able to remember that long ago I was a real, real good kid, who wouldn't hurt anyone, who cared about others whether or not they were popular. I had a great big heart. I really did. I really did.
The correct diagnosis and proper treatment of this disorder has been likened to placing corrective lenses on a person who is legally blind.
Appreciation
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Repeat that please is giving us a rare glimpse inside the world of someone with ADHD. I really appreciate this! Thankyou Repeat...! My heart aches for your little boy self and for all the other people with ADHD who are so misunderstood Thankyou for sharing your story. It is so valuable.
Guess what?
Submitted by repeat that please on
That makes me feel great. You are welcome!
Oh, no......
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I have a consistently good memory for things that were said and done, both long and short term. For instance, I can tell you what my ex-husband wore on our first date on February 3, 1990. He wore a white button down Ralph Lauren oxford and Levi's, with brown loafers. He was also wearing a brown leather Moto jacket. I even remember exactly what he said to me when I complimented him on his jacket....Had I paid attention to that early "Red Flag", I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. (Of course, I wouldn't have my 2 children.) I complimented him on his jacket, how good it looked, to which he replied: "It should be, it cost me enough."
In addition to remembering what people say to me verbatim most of the time, I also remember what the person was wearing, what I was wearing, what music was playing at the time, facial expressions, and how I felt....
I also remember what my BF was wearing when we agreed to meet for coffe, after being introduced on eHarmony. He was wearing a green plaid button down shirt, Levi's and a well worn dark brown leather jacket. (See a pattern- lol.?) He was wearing brown shoes and I remember thinking how nervous he looked driving into the parking lot in his Jeep, when he didn't know that I saw him...........
I'm also a good listener. I have a great sense of empathy for others. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I say what I mean.
Most people who know me don't question my powers of total recall......LOL. Its kinda my thing. BTW, I'm 53.
You hit on something big
Submitted by repeat that please on
We often suffer from working memory challenges. But, first, we must actually hear or see or become aware of that which is to be remembered in order to "work" with it.
And the ADD becomes a handy excuse
Submitted by repeat that please on
"By assuming non spouse cannot remember the details of a conversation, ADDer tries to flip the script when caught doing something or not doing something they promised to do. And the ADD becomes a handy excuse."
If I had known what ADD was my first 40, I certainly would have used it. Believe me.
I think it is possible for
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I think it is possible for a person with ADHD to have different experience from what another person with ADHD does. Why not? I don't know what my BF's 30 year old daughter's experience has been compared to what he went through in his 51 years. I am sure there are differences, because they were raised differently. His stepfather abused him physically and called him "birdbrain", and made him feel stupid. His daughter was diagnosed sooner than he was, and lived with her Mother most of the time.
Absolutely
Submitted by repeat that please on
I agree. What is fascinating is how we have so much in common in terms of our inner experiences though our external worlds are always different. The proper diagnosis and treatment for ADHD creates a profound change on the inside. Our brains suddenly work! That doesn't mean I will instantly know how to read, if I couldn't read before. It means my brain can direct the attention necessary onto the words, so that if I already know what they mean, I can read them. It means if I want or need to listen to what is being said, I can. You and I may be sitting in classes 3,000 miles apart and at 16 you are listening to a lecture on biology and in my third grade class I am learning multiplication. Regardless, both of us can focus on the material. Our brains no longer scatter in 26 directions all at once.
How do you know that you have
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
How do you know that you have so much in common in terms of your inner experiences?
Good question
Submitted by repeat that please on
Today, a great deal of research is being done to learn about ADHD. Scientists are zeroing in on the biological underpinnings that are responsible for our symptoms. They add to that base of knowledge constantly. They study our brains and personalities, life circumstances, economics, diet, socioeconomic backgrounds, drug and alcohol abuse in our ancestry, etc.
They discovered that we have objective and subjective issues/traits in common.
Have you ever heard of Williams Syndrome? It is fascinating. It includes shared physical/genetic information and personality traits.
My concern with equating all
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My concern with equating all people with ADHD to each other (and conversely, all nons to each other?), based on potential similarities in brain functioning, is that this could suggest that everything is caused by or related to ADHD (or nonADHD). Here are some things my ex-husband (who was diagnosed with ADHD around age 53) did that other people with ADHD would probably not want to claim as shared traits: drove a long distance wearing only underwear because his car didn't have air conditioning; cheated on our taxes; cheated on his taxes; suggested that our daughters default on loans; got fired from one job because of personality issues with his boss; got fired from another job because of causing a car accident. I personally would hate myself if I lumped everyone with ADHD together and thought that they'd also do things like this because that's how their brains work.
Who knew?
Submitted by repeat that please on
I'm not sure we are talking about the same things.
Driving in my underwear because it's warm is not something I've done, yet. But, thanks for sharing this tip with me. It sounds pretty cool--no pun intended.
Cheating on taxes. I don't believe everyone has ADHD.
Lying about others cheating. Sounds sort of typical for a whole host of folks.
Getting fired from many jobs--now you're getting warm!
I think a trait is like a tendency, like a predisposition to certain kinds of behavior. Being impatient often, is a trait, I think. Working on 73 projects, including our taxes, at the same time and completing none of them, is characteristic of ADHD, or trait-like. "Tuning-out" of conversations is a trait. Lack of organization, rushing in without thinking through the consequences first, interrupting others, craving excitement like race car driving, sex, gambling, getting high, those are traits. Morality, immorality, not so much, although some are beginning to push the idea that even some crimes could be a function of pathological impulsivity.
"Repeat that please", thank you for this
Submitted by dedelight4 on
RTP, (short for repeat that please) thank you for this awesome insight into the world of an ADHD person. You have explained things that I'm sure my husband has gone through too, but won't discuss.
I am grateful that you are sharing what you've learned, and live with, from the ADHD symptoms. It helps me more than you know, and I'm sure the others here feel the same. We don't often get to hear an individual tell these much needed things. Our spouses are still in denial of the effect these symptoms have on themselves and us. When, we would be.SO thrilled to be allowed to work alongside them, finding ways to alleviate some of the stress, and maybe even making it "fun" to live life in a different way.
My husband and I have had some of these "hearing" issues you mention here. I don't ever want him to feel bad about himself, or feel afraid to talk to me, but with him staying in denial, it's kept a huge wall between us that I haven't been able to get through. He won't take the wall down out of fear I guess, or even open a window, so, I've had to try to figure many things out on my own, which doesn't allow me the information I need to feel like we are a "couple". So, we've mainly been just two seperate people living in a house, instead of two interconnected persons living life together.
Please keep sharing here about life with ADHD, (partly and selfishly) because having you be open about this gives me insight I normally don't get. But too, it often helps all of us by writing out our own struggles, hopes, dreams, and joys. And I too agree that the professional world doesn't address enough of the things involved with the day to day living with ADHD. (I could be wrong, but I think you might have mentioned that before in another post.)
There is so much focus on children, and much less on older adults that it's a constant search for information.There is still too much focus on the basics, and doesn't go much further or broaden out.
I'm sorry that your daily life is so full of mental gymnastics. Even though I don't have ADD, I share the mental gymnastics thing WITH you, in trying to live life as best I can. As for me, I've failed plenty, but keep trying to learn more each day. Blessings to you, friend. Dede
Thank you. wishing you well. Dede
ONE QUESTION
Submitted by repeat that please on
Are you trying to make me cry?
Thanks for your kind words. To think that I have contributed something that is helpful to you as someone who has suffered because of this disorder means much to me. (You don't know.)
Hallowell, who is an M.D. and specializes in this field, has much to offer us. So does Ms. Orlov. They are experts and I encourage you to become more and more familiar with them. I have nothing to do with either one of them, so I make that suggestion without any ulterior motive. Really good, really solid, and very accurate, precise information about ADHD in adults is SO important to have and there are many theories out there that can be harmful.
"Most people who discover they have ADHD, whether they be children or adults, have suffered a great deal of pain. The emotional experience of ADHD is filled with embarrassment, humiliation, and self-castigation. By the time the diagnosis is made, many people with ADHD have lost confidence and blame themselves. ADHD is a neuropsychiatric condition. It is genetically transmitted. It is caused by biology, by how your brain is wired. It is NOT a disease of the will, nor a moral failing. It is NOT caused by a weakness in character, nor by a failure to mature. Its cure is not to be found in the power of the will, nor in punishment, nor in sacrifice, nor in pain. ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS." Hallowell
RTP, For this I give you heartfelt thanks.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
RTP, I am thrilled you can take the time to explain your ADHD experiences to this generally non-ADHD crowd. It greatly helps getting a perspective on what/how my ADHD wife may perceive reality and respond to it. We often have decades of receiving ADHD symptoms but failure in trying to discuss them with our ADHD partner. (In my case any attempt immediately leads to a raging response from my ADHD wife. I've attempted what I think of as the entire range of presentment from oblique to forthright but my wife always interprets it as a damning criticism.) I've gotten more information from you in a very short time that I've ever managed from her. For this I give you heartfelt thanks.
Sliding Scale......1..........................................10
Submitted by c ur self on
Great stuff Repeat.....
You bring back many memories for me....I'm sure you would bring back many many more for my W.....Thanks for being so forthcoming, with the details of your reality....Learning to separate intentional refusals to share in healthy relationship work ...VS's...All the communication hindrance's (unintentional) of busy minds, is a daunting task for us....I think that is where many of us get hung up early on.....There must be acceptance of our huge differences....
On a sliding scale, I'm probably very low in most area's....But, in the ability to hear at times (when I'm stuck on something) is where I go up the scale...The way this happen's in my case is, I take things a part internally, dissecting of information in order to reach my own conclusions (very deep thinker)....An example was just last night...My W and I was watching TV....I was deep in thought about something from a past scene of the move.. She spoke a sentence or two about her thoughts concerning the present scene...I only realized she was even speaking as she was finishing, I kept my gaze on the tv and acknowledged w/ a slight head movement...She didn't require a response, so I was good...LOL....I don't have any trouble with hearing or recall if you have my full attention....But never just start talking, assuming you have it, even if I'm looking at you....If I look distracted, I probably am....My wife is clinical level add (medicated) and it takes a lot patients for us both....Patients isn't a strong suit for her....(always rushing)....So it can be (is) difficult....
I understand much of what you are sharing (between the two of us)....There is much mumbling going on in our home (self talk, self reminders, speaking our thoughts out loud)....I do it...I'm alone a lot....She is terrible about it when she wakes up, and before her meds kick in...She will be running around hunting what to wear to work (very messy, stuff everywhere) etc....She want get out of bed, so she is always living on rush time....(where is my bra, where is my this, or that....She really isn't asking...lol...It's just stressed out verbal puke...because she is so geared up in mind...I can't be late!!!...I've learned to not engage her during these times....Just produces conflict, and can't be heard and processed any way...Her reality....I talked to her about her bad habits, but, sadly she has an answer for most of my help attempts (what works for me)....I've encouraged her to get out of bed 15 min. earlier, and she told me, she will be later more often when she allows herself more time....She said, her mind will always allow for distractions (false sense of security) when she thinks she has extra time....But, if she stays in rush mode, and I want speak to her (distract her), she can get out the door on time, to run to the time clock just in time.....Again her reality!...So what seems like madness to most people, actually has survival written all over it for some....
Thanks for all this honest sharing...It is helpful to read....
c
Fun Fun Fun
Submitted by repeat that please on
We are a load of laughs! At least you're not bored by us. Never a dull moment.
I get the clear sense that you really love her (truly) and have worked hard to find ways to make your relationship the best that it can be.
Thanks...I do love her....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's not always the kind of love I wished it was, many times...We human's have this picture (thoughts) in our minds that say's what love is, and what it should be....I think for me (probably for many of us) I have had to learn to let that go to a degree....Because it's easy to start pushing or pressing our spouse to make our expectations come true....(our view of love...2 being 1 flesh)....
I've always wanted the best marriage ever....I don't think two people should have to settle...And that isn't about adhd, personality, children or no children, or any other influence....It's about commitment by two people...One can never make it happen....We can have positive effects of our spouse, if we truly love them....But that's about it....
I've found in order to truly love my wife (show healthy love for her) somethings are a must....Respect (no judging) her thinking, and life style, no matter how foreign it seems to me....Make sure I take care of myself and hold true to my convictions about God, family, and what is in my own best interest as a human being.....
It's very difficult to fully accept someone who's priorities (things she devotes her thoughts, time an energy to) causes separation between the two of us....But, I have to accept that, or her life will dominate my thoughts, and I want be able to enjoy my life (my thoughts get dominated by her living of life)....This is a road I've come down, and it's not one I will ever travel again....
In order to experience peace we have to have boundaries....A side from the effects of add, and some denial, her mind works toward frivolity (anything that is fun and entertaining) and just being an adult...My mind works from being an adult toward responsibility (I can and do have plenty of fun, but hopefully not at the cost of not being responsible to my commitments) She is a big thinker (travel abroad as often as possible, buy boats to play on the lake with, Buy a house on the lake) Her mind runs wild w/ entertainment idea's she can't afford nor will she ever discipline her life to take care of any of these items...I'm happy w/ the simple things in life...Once I was delivered from trying to change her, and just accepted her...I've been much more at peace, and realized I must breathe, and live my way, no matter what that entails for the two of us...
When these boundaries started working (protect us both from pressing each other) in our marriage, some good things started happening....More kindness, more unity, more love thoughtfulness....It's easy to go your own way, when you don't really like the person you are married to....I think it's fair to say, you can love a person and not like them....But when both parties stop pressing each other, and acceptance of difference's becomes the main theme in the relationship, we have found we want to be together so much more....
For 10 years, (married almost 11) when I would buy my wife a card...Valentine and Anniversary was the worst....I would have to read most every card on the rack, in order to find one that fit two people who wasn't experiencing a close loving relationship (action type)....She had the same problem....She gave me a valentine card this year, that really touched me....She smiled at me and said it was awesome to get a sappy card and mean it...Instead of a funny one....I felt the same....That's happening because of Jesus, and because of acceptance....
We may never be able to do certain things together ( or will have to have heart to hearts before hand, and have agreements about the reality of hyper focus, and manipulation attempts, trying to force our will on one another)....There must be an agreement of total respect for the relationship (each other) ahead of the person place or thing we are visiting or doing, or I don't go....Tough Love....
Huge difference's means conflict every time, if there is selfishness by one or both parties, at a level greater than the ability to willfully discipline ourselves to make each other our top priority in this life....So really it's just better to take off the rose colored glasses, and let the boundaries do their job....When and if the relationship takes center stage for both hearts, the boundaries will fade, the competition will fade, and the unity will flourish.....Or at least that's where I am today.....
c
I could get used to this.
Submitted by repeat that please on
Thanks Will! I am shocked. I really appreciate the positive feedback. I haven't done anything except to share a little about my own hell. It takes zero effort, so I'm taken back a bit by your reinforcing statements.
Here's how a pioneer and leading expert in this field defines people with ADHD. BTW, he has examined thousands of us, and spoken to and lectured before hundreds of thousands of us.
"People with ADD typically are creative, intuitive, original, and full of positive energy. They tend to be independent thinkers. (C?!) They are persistent to the point of being stubborn. They usually are quite sensitive, but often cover this over with a kind of bravado. They are big-hearted and generous. They often have charisma or a special something, a twinkle in the eye, a zany sense of humor, or an ability to inspire others. With the right kind of guidance, these people can become hugely successful in their lives." Dr. HallowellAnd to think Orlov (Harvard) and Hallowell (Harvard) are directly involved in this website! We are blessed indeed.Thirty years ago information that they provide here was practically unknown. Imagine that.
I long deeply to offer anything, something, that would benefit anyone struggling with an ADHD SO. I don't know enough to help, but I have just come across an expert who specializes in just that.
Do you remember what Orlov said? "So I figured out who I wanted to be (certainly NOT that aggressive witch!!) and started acting that way. Armed with knowledge I accepted my husband, and started treating him with empathy and respect. He responded quite quickly – taking on his ADHD issues with more rigor etc. "
If you have these qualities,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
If you have these qualities, repeat that please, I commend you. Many people with ADHD have these qualities; many do not. My ex-husband does not. That's why I'm uncomfortable with generalizations.
Nothing to do
Submitted by repeat that please on
with these qualities, other than being born with them. Did I forget to mention all that's wrong about me? How much time do you have?
I once heard the expression, "Take what you like and leave the rest."
As I grew up, the kind, sweet, innocent kid became a large, vicious, terrible, wounded animal. All the rejection, hatred, insults, blame, misunderstandings that went against me, materialized in the form of an unrecognizable madman who flew into frightening rages and hurt many good people. I was hate.
High school sports are a wonderful outlet for young people. For the most part I was able to channel my pent up pain on to athletic fields.
"One struggle we have always
Submitted by repeat that please on
"One struggle we have always had is that my husband with ADHD is interruptive, makes assumptions and starts moving his body towards action before he has even heard what I say, convinced that he has "got me right'. Much of my time has been spent saying "no, that isn't what I meant/said/asked etc."
"... he gets INFORMATION from me that puts him back in the conversation without him experiencing the feeling of being lost or "out of it". It helps him save face as well." From a woman who shared this with Ms. Orlov.
I spent half my life trying to save face. So, I'm standing there trying to listen, hoping against hope this interaction will be the beginning of a new life for me, that I'll hear you and not interrupt and not lose face and just like that I'm off to the races in who knows which direction completely baffled how once again I have no idea what you just said to me.
It is exhausting to enter every conversation trying to protect myself from more humiliation. What a cockeyed way to approach life. This is one of the reasons I can't say enough about the power of the drugs they use which enable the anatomy of my brain to perform as intended. For 40 years I never considered the possibility that a drug could help me to hear, to focus, to "attend to", to comprehend what was incomprehensible. Without striving or exerting any energy per se, I was alert and involved. I was alive. I could function and engage in life without constant dread that I would blow it. I began to hear people saying behind my back, "Hey, he's a smart guy." "Wow, he knows his stuff." "That dude is really sharp, man." I was incredulous.
ceaseless assault
Submitted by repeat that please on
A very big reason ADHD is controversial is due to a class of drugs. "Stimulants" are used extensively by those of us caught in the confusion of this often misunderstood menace. If they prescribed corned beef, no one would give a rip.
And the wind cries 'Mary'...
Submitted by repeat that please on
I love watching videos on YouTube of tornadoes
She means a great deal to you
Submitted by repeat that please on
That is cool, C. What attracted you to her?
dismissed, humiliated, minimized, ridiculed
Submitted by repeat that please on
"For a long-time, research has suggested that having your child take ADHD meds wouldn’t improve his or her school performance. And, if you just read this introductory sentence, you might conclude that this was still true.
It turns out, the point tha Barkley next makes is that it is likely that researchers got this result because they re-tested academic performance soon after meds were started. This misses the point – it takes time to acquire new knowledge and for that acquisition to be reflected in academic outcomes. A large-scale longitudinal study recently showed something completely different. That over time (years, not weeks or months) treating ADHD significantly improved academic performance." Orlov
Not only is ADHD a deep circle in Dante's Hell in ordinary circumstances, to be diagnosed accurately and treated effectively can be a grueling experience as well. If only we weren't morally depraved we could have done better. If only we weren't lazy, crazy or stupid, as the book title says, we could have achieved some things. If only we hadn't made excuses, we might have amounted to something.
Certainly, it isn't medication that improves our functionality, our critics insist. How convenient. There's no biologic, single, scientific test that proves there is such a thing as ADHD. It is over diagnosed. We live in a fast paced world.
We get it from every angle, all the time. Polio would be acceptable, or diabetes. They have a provable cause. ADHDers got nothin, not even do school results show improvement. UNTIL NOW.
Thanks Melissa. With 2/3 of my life spent in hell, it is nice once in a while to be reminded that it wasn't all my fault, that I wasn't deliberately trying to fail at almost everything I tried, that I didn't mean to be an enormous boob who couldn't handle life and even when I ran and hid behind addictions and irresponsibilty and clownish behavior, I was hurting so bad inside, I couldn't do much else. I didn't know what to do and the pain was unbearable, accruing over 40 years with each successive disaster. BY GOD I wanted to do better. I wanted to function like others. I wanted to excel and eventually gave up trying to figure out why I couldn't. They had to be right. I was no good. (Even though there remained somewhere deep inside a very, very, faint flicker that something was missing and it wasn't all my fault.)
Thanks for reaching out to us, Melissa.