I have read the ADHD & Marriage book many times and tried to work through it and read through posts, etc. on this forum many times and tried to make sense of it all. But sometimes I think I'm just fooling myself. Sometimes I think that there are people with ADHD who do the work and take the medication and are able to have good relationships, even if it is a struggle for them. And then there's me, and really all of us stuck on this forum. And what I mean is that, I'm not married to someone whose problem is ADHD. I am married to someone who has ADHD. But if that were the problem, he would be able to do the work and take the medication and face life and relationships well. Instead, I am married to someone who won't do the work, and who takes medication sporadically and thinks that it is a magic wand. And here I am, reading the book and struggling to understand him, and filling the gaps for all the things he can or won't do, and pretending that I am in a marriage, when really, the book just doesn't apply to my husband, not because it is wrong about ADHD, but because he is too selfish to do the work. And the evidence for why the book doesn't apply to my husband is because after all these years and after all this work, I am still in a terrible marriage with someone who won't even go to a therapist despite me begging him to.
What I'm trying to say is, maybe all of the people with ADHD who aren't selfish are able to work on their problems and make their marriages work, and therefore their spouses don't need this forum. And those of us who are here are married to selfish people who also have ADHD and we want to hold onto hope so we're pretending that ADHD is the problem and that someday we will be able to save our marriages.
Doing the work
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, overwhelmed wife and mother,
I think it is true that love is blind. When we fall in love we see the good and discount the bad. Later, when there seems to be more bad than good, we have many reasons for staying in a bad relationship. For me for a while it was financial. Then later I saw some hope that my husband was changing. That was true. He has steadily been a better husband for many years. But he still has ADD, and it creates challenges for us.
He wants to be different. He hates 'messing up' again and again. But he keeps doing it. I have my faults. There are many things I want to do and many things I should do. Why can't I do them? Day to day they don't affect me; I have no immediate consequences. They don't affect our marriage. My husband doesn't care about either of us eating healthier, whatever that is these days. He doesn't care that I don't exercise enough or lose weight. To some extent I don't care that he has these same struggles. I do care that he promises to do things, then forgets. I do care that there are so many ways in which I cannot rely on him. Is my husband too selfish to do the work? I don't think so. His ADD life is not satisfying to him, and plenty of the time he hates himself.
We all have many dimensions. ADD is not the only problem in my relationship with my husband. If we could wave a magic wand and 'fix' that, other aspects of our characters would still cause issues. We are both sincerely doing the best we can, and things are mostly good. Sometimes I feel frustrated with my husband, and I post here for support. We are together because we have not forgotten that special bond we felt when we fell in love. We both want to be good to each other and be happy together, and we keep trying. We are both doing the work, even if we are not perfect and never will be.
All the best,
Angie
Thank You Angie.
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
Thank you Angie. It's great to hear from someone who is in a relationship where both partners are doing the work.
Overwhelmedwife
Submitted by Brindle on
I have some thoughts that overlap with yours.
Watching my children who have adhd has given me a lot of reason to reflect on this. How well someone functions depends on the level of severity of adhd, any comorbid conditions, their personality, their upbringing, their intelligence level, and their general view of life... plus other things that I’ve not thought of, I’m sure!
I read all the time that adhd people are not selfish or lazy, but rather have adhd. Well, I agree, and I don’t agree. That view only focuses on the side of them that is the condition of adhd. But it neglects the fact that each person who has adhd also has character that has developed through the years. There are adhd folks who are not lazy or selfish, but they forget others and rarely clean or make it somewhere on time because of adhd’s effects. And then there are other adhd folks who are lazy and selfish on top of having adhd affecting their lives. The trick is how to tell the difference.
When my kids forget to do something important, I can see which ones were invested in trying to remember (but still didn’t) and which ones weren’t invested in trying to remember. In fact, I sometimes ask questions like, “Were you trying to get it done and found things really hard to remember and finish, or were you hoping I’d forget because you didn’t even want to do it and tried to get away with not doing it?” You’d be amazed at the answers. Sometimes they say, “Well, I didn’t want to do it, but I did try for a little while. But then it got hard, and I gave up, and I hoped you’d forget.” They have multiple thoughts and motivations going on at the same time.
That said, I have a husband who will straight out refuse to do most things. He doesn’t even do the “I will do it later” thing. He just says “no, I’m not doing that.” I do think my husband is motivated by his selfishness much of the time. Add in a large pile of denial and unhealthy emotional habits that go beyond just emotional adhd tendencies, and we are where we are. (At least at my house)
Edited to add: And he may have many reasons why he arrived at the place where he refuses to help with our life together. But I’ve known him for over half of our lives. I’ve watched him change with time. I’ve seen his character change in ways that adhd isn’t the only factor. And I’ve heard him say, “I know I should, but I don’t want to,” (and so he doesn’t) or “Of course I don’t play fair!” So as a spouse, I can tell that he’s living for what’s comfortable to him. I’m sure sometimes adhd has just bitten him in the rear again, but it isn’t the only determiner of his actions. If he really cared about looking out for the needs of his family beyond money, I’d see him at least try somewhere. I’d hear comments at some point. But if, in roughly two decades of being together, I’ve not heard or seen those things, then I think I can conclude that selfishness is also at play.Thank You Brin
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
Your perspective is helpful, especially because you are able to see what's going on with your kids. I'm wondering how you are working with your kids on these things. My son has some ADHD (he's 20) and is very fearful that he will end up like his father. I'm trying to figure out how I can support him in growing into a more responsible person who works to keep his ADHD from affecting his life. In some ways I am helped by daughter who has type 1 diabetes. She has always had to do a lot of extra work to keep diabetes from affecting her life. And franklly, it always does affect her life. But because her disease is life-threatening, she doesn't have a choice. She must remain vigilant. I think my son has a lot to learn from her. I'm going to give it some thought.
Yes...You said it so well OWW.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Denial (excusing one's self) is the most hopeless state of mind...We keep using words to attempt to explain something, that is quiet visible....Self-absorbed minds are very limited in their ability to do the work (thoughtfulness of their spouse) it takes, to be part of a healthy marital attachment....This type person's life only works as a single person....The fruit of a self-absorbed spouse, is always a very lonely one....
c
Sad but true
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I hear you, c ur self. This is particularly sad for my husband, who really has a strong need for a love and connection. He makes occasional heroic efforts to show his love and connect, and it crushes him when he learns that these efforts are completely undermined by his day-to-day selfishness.
That's right....OWW
Submitted by c ur self on
A person shouldn't expect to have the ***Fairy Tail Love Story marriage relationship*** only when "THEY FEEL THE NEED FOR IT"....What so many of us don't realize is, those Glorious Attachments are built out of daily service, daily sharing, (giving of ourselves to one another)....We can't pick and choose what part of daily living (responsibility) we want to invest ourselves in....And then just turn our backs on our spouse (indifference) when the work isn't fun for us.....LOL....
When I run across couples who are crazy in love 50 years after the alter, usually there are some common themes....They meant their vows at a level greater than their own self love...(they know how to submit, and be humbled)....2) They grew up! (put away childish and selfish thinking, and living)..... 3) You can find plenty of dirt under their fingernails (the work it takes to have a healthy attachment).....4) They aren't confused about what their priorities should be...5) And their Spirit is one of thankfulness for the gift of life with their spouses, they never count themselves as victims, just because times get hard...
Indifference is the worst form of abuse I can think of in a marriage.....All the things we know can end a marriage quickly, (adultery, physical abuse, etc) tell a clear story for all to see....But when you live w/ a spouse who is consumed, and justifies, living in a mind that screams *** WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME***....The pain of that indifference can be hidden, and can last for decades....Sadly, so many here know it!
Have a blessed day! ((()))
c