If the path before you isn’t clear, you’re probably on someone else’s. – Joseph Campbell
I was always a "good girl". At least in my mind. I tried to be a good girl with my parents, in school....with the world. I needed permission/direction from other people for what to do. I didn't trust my heart or my needs...I looked for validation and was afraid of making mistakes, or offending someone, or seeming selfish. I even believed that if I followed the rules/laws/people in charge that I was strong in doing what was best because I believed laws were good. You know what happened? I made mistakes...because that is what being human is. Not everything that we are taught are good laws or good for us. I offended ME. I wasn't selfish...to the extreme --- I wasn't a whole person. I was not living my life in tune with my own heart and soul. If I had listened to my own self, I would have been more valuable to family, community and to myself. I would have been truer to who I really am. Trying to be a "good girl" kept me from living authentically. I have been a child who has been blown by winds outside of myself thinking I was being strong but I was also being weak in character because I looked outside of myself for who/how to be.
I am trying, at this old age, to BE ME. So that I can feel more joyful and spread that joy and faith into the world. And now encouraging others and my children to give themselves permission to be themselves and make their own mistakes and judgments.
This means I am taking my hyper focus off what/who was making me a victim in my own life...my marriage and my husband....and putting my focus more on WHO I AM and who I want to be. Lately I have been letting my H just be who he is (and letting myself not like him as he is - as I am becoming sadly more aware.) I am working on showing up as me and not trying to change him. That, for me, means talking and directing less right now as I just reflect and accept. I am seeming more quiet and meek these days but inside I am finding better footage and saying fewer things "off the cuff" in emotion. I am talking to H less and talking to my children more (as an adult).
I am ashamed of how I kept doing things I really didn't want to do throughout my younger life --- but I thought I HAD to. But as I reflect, I realize I was taught and conditioned to do what others told me to do long ago from by parents, culture, feminine expectations. And then I was resentful because I was doing things I really didn't want to do.
Hopefully I will learn how to stop "playing small" and listen to the words... "to thine own self be true". Thanks for sharing my journey of arrested development. Hopefully, I will be a "real girl" eventually.
Self Expectations....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Jenna....Life is about learning...It's about learning what/who to place our faith in...I think much of my own consternation in life, comes from this exact dynamic you are pointing out here....I've been swayed in thoughts, and feelings many times by people...(Instead of the life source)....Thinking about all the people who have had influence in my life....(Parents...Two wives...Children...Many Many friends, and job associates....) makes me stop and consider the impact....Who am I really? Am I who I think I should be? Even more important for me is...Am I who God wants me to be?....Do I make mistakes...Sadly many....But, I know my heart desires *good things* for all.....Even myself:)....But being human will always cause us to get in our own way many times....Thank the Lord for Grace!
I love your post....Your words..."I"m letting my husband, just be who he is"....This place is so key for me....I was able to be more engaging with my first (late) wife...We had a much closer dynamic, we saw life through a more unified lens...She was very respectful, ( not confrontational) not opinionated or defensive...So life was just easier for us....
See, your husband, and my wife are being who they are, whether we are letting them or not....The times we are ( or were) not...guess who suffers? LOL....Us....and them....I hope you continue to come to peace with the person Jenna....Just like I hope that for myself...
Blessings
c
Thanks, c.
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am glad you are on this site so consistently. It is so nice to know that someone hears the words that are spilled on to these pages and understands. We seem to be at similar places of acceptance in our situations.
Your faith is admirable. I appreciate your words of encouragement and your willingness/need to post words painting a picture of what it is that is your reality. Writing can be therapeutic and this board is great for that. So many times I see your writing and agree with you. That comes with experience and working through similar challenges.
Thank you for your kind words Jenna....
Submitted by c ur self on
I found understanding and support here about 6 years ago, when I so desperately needed it....And I've just stayed.....I've found so many wonderful people who are in very difficult situations in their marriage relationships....My goal for myself is to find the Father's will for me...I know some things....I am suppose to love, (that may entail different things under different circumstances), I am suppose to find my peace in Jesus, no matter what circumstances I'm going through in this carnal life......And I have learned that my happiness and contentment, is solely my own responsibility....
I love to encourage good people to not be blinded (forfeit their peace) by what they have no control over.....And to just breathe, and live! These lives are gifts, and precious, and aren't meant to be wasted w/ worry about things out of our control....
Many times I have to shake myself (repent) for being overly concerned about things that I have committed to my heavenly Father....Worry is quiet the opposite of a calm faith.....
c
I felt like I could have
Submitted by Ceemo22 (not verified) on
I felt like I could have written this. I've been researching the effects of growing up with a Narcissistic mother, and all of the characteristics you listed are ones that I also possess. Unfortunately I think this makes us easy targets for men with ADHD, as we can be easily manipulated and don't challenge them in their own shortcomings, for fear of disrupting the peace.
I'm currently on day two of being ignored by H, who is convinced that I don't respect or appreciate anything that he does and that I think I am right all the time. Apparently I'm controlling, although 95% of our life revolves around his wants, needs, and dreams. You've described my thoughts exactly, to talk and direct less and just reflect and accept. I find myself also getting quieter and more meek, and I'm still unsure if this is a good or bad thing. At least he can't accuse me of forcing my will on him, if I'm literally not talking to him at all. I do find it ironic that my H interprets this as "anger," which is just another example of how unaware he is of my emotions.
I hope that you finally find some joy and learn to live life for yourself in a way that makes you happy. <3
Hi Ceemo22
Submitted by c ur self on
(Apparently I'm controlling, although 95% of our life revolves around his wants, needs, and dreams.)
This dynamic you've mentioned, is a big part of our communication difficulty also....It's like they can't see or hear themselves at all....And when you point out this singular mind set, then they turn victim and say we want to control them...No, we don't want to control them...But it would be nice to be considered....I am learning to stop pointing it out, I guess it's FIXED LOL.....It's not worth it.....She's been on vacation in Boston (old school friend) since Thursday...Due home Tuesday....And I am headed to the beach in the morning for a week....It use to bother me being married, and having to consider going alone (Never would happen with my first wife, not without a fight LOL)...But I find it much more peaceful, then the alternative that you stated....95% of anything chosen when we are away is coming out of her mind.....We have been married 11 years.....And I can honestly say, I don't ever remember her asking the question...." What do you think we should do today....Or what would like us to do? "
When you refuse to give in to that type mind (not enable it) by calling attention to it.....It usually turns negative, (victim) and I am fully able to have a good time alone....
c
Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!
Submitted by jennalemone on
I find the following writing helpful to read and consider to bolster strength inside of me. Sorry, don't know where it came from.
1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest. Whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Moral of the story—don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.
2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior. People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions. As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly.
3) Nice People Are Too Available. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible. Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable. So, learn from the jerks and divas—but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love...without being so nice others walk all over you.
I am in a journey to find myself back again. I used to like myself. Now, I don't. I feel like my trusting heart and artistic soul have been stifled in my attempt to just get through life, surrendering and not living my authentic life. I don't know myself very well anymore.
I know this has nothing to do with ADD, but it does have everything to do with the spouses of ADDers. Because we need to have our hearts and souls fed and noticed. It has been hurtful all these years to be ignored and teased and unheard. It is not good for a soul to be so invisible in a relationship. This is the reason we find ourselves gravitating to this board. We need to be heard. jennalemon
Jenna...
Submitted by c ur self on
I think I've seen this before (maybe you posted it)....I agree, and I don't....I don't because I only like being around nice people.....So be nice!...But!...We must have wisdom to go along w/ our niceness...We must never think for our spouses (we can't)....
I think the reason you stopped liking yourself (many of us) was because of the judgment (blame) we place on our selves because our marriage isn't healthy....That has to stop!....We have these convictions to stay in the marriage, even when there is little to no marriage....That is not your fault!...Each person takes vows to be faithful to each other....And that means a WHOLE lot more than sexual immorality!
If your spouse aren't pursuing you sexually, then they have quit on you....And that goes for many other things...(Sharing in life....cooking, cleaning, pray life, conjugal rights, children etc...etc...etc...etc...) My wife and I aren't two, we are one flesh...God made us one...If I abandon my responsibilities (vows) or she hers, we will answer, but just not to one another....
So when we quit on our marital obligations, it better be worth it to us...Because the price will be way way way more than we will want to pay....
My wife works 8 nights shift in a row (10 hour shifts) and sleeps until time to jump up and rush out the door...She is then off 6 nights...She is constantly taking most all of her free time placing it on every thing and every one except her responsibilities in our home and in our marriage....That is not my fault, and never will be....
My wife came to me in late May and told me well my June is booked up....She found her old girl friend from high school (hadn't see each other in 39 or 40 years) and decided to fly to Boston to spend her days off touring around New England w/ her....And her next week off....Starts 19 (she took off PTO on the 18th) she has decided to head to Texas to set w/ our daughter in law who is 6 or 7 months pregnant while my step son comes to Alabama to look for a place for them to park their tiny house....
Is there any thing wrong w/ those trips? Not necessarily...But here's the problem....She announced this....She never asked me what I thought about anything....And if you are around her long...You will realize her actions in these instantance have the same face on them...She goes w/ an agenda to force entertainment activities that suit her....It happens every time, every Christmas every Easter...She is constantly pressing others to fulfill her desire for entertainment......I started keeping a calender of our trips etc....She went 12 weekends (over night stays any where from 1 to 6 nights) last year on these trips....None of them was about us....
I'm setting her in a condo at the beach writing this post...I set home on all of her independent trips last year (except one) and should have stayed away then, because she abandoned me when we got there....But I decided that I do like myself, and I can't make her want to be with me....(And I don't want no women who don't want me!)...It's been a little odd being a married man alone at the beach...But, I'm enjoying my bike rides, my beach time, and I've been eating some great sea food....
But the one thing I refuse to do...Is be like her....I'm not going for spite work...I'm going because God as allowed me to retire, and be able to enjoy the life he has given me...I married my wife and vowed to give 100% to my marriage...She married me and vowed to give 100% to her marriage....But I didn't vow to not enjoy the life God has given me when she is a no show in the union....
Blessing Jenna
c
ive really lost myself
Submitted by nickyadams6 on
I have really lost myself too, my life since 2009 has revolved around my husband( adhd and bipolar) my last post was in 2014! Things were moving forward, 5 years on I feel like I’m living with a lodger! No real affection, every so often he will tell me how much I mean to him “ I’d be nothing without you” etc and I’ve come to terms with that and so many other things. But it’s affecting me in my body now, he’s been off work with stress for weeks( going back next week) but it’s the secrecy I can’t stand. Me being the last one to know , important stuff then getting grumbled at because “ I wasn’t listening” ? I do too much , I’ve done too much, I’ve become that person “ easier if I just get in and do it “ I was “ the kind person “ who did everything for everyone , ive learned to back off, it goes against the grain of my very being but I’ve had to for my own self preservation . I just used to get dissed every time I helped him or his family. There’s been many a time I’ve wondered why I’m still here. Why do I bother, I do get away from it all at times, I have great friends who live in beautiful parts of the uk, but I want him to experience it too, I suppose like one of the comments said, I have to accept him and how are lives are, I thought I had but I’m clearly having a sad moment.
Sorry to waffle on
Nicky
Venting is healthy sometimes
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
So sorry about your situation. Mine is similar at the moment. I went through a reasonably good time recently, staying strong and healthy with acceptance at the core. I feel it slipping a little lately. I can't help but be sad when it becomes so clear that this roommate arrangement is my marriage forever unless/until I get out. I hear what you're saying. I miss connection. I miss intimacy. I wish I had someone who had my back and who shared the load. I wish these boundaries that protect me didn't make me feel like I can't be myself in my relationship. I wish my daughter had a dad who showed her he loves her so she didn't have to question it. It's fair to have sad moments and thank you for sharing yours because it makes people like me feel less alone!
You know if it wasn't for my
Submitted by nickyadams6 on
You know if it wasn't for my two dogs, who are at this minute both snuggled up with me in me bed , literally in it! I don't know what I'd have done, wasn't fortunate to have children so rearing two puppies helped with that instinct. They give me unconditional love Thank God! I sleep by myself most of the time lately, it's gone that far, but ooo if I question it. Anyhoo I have my bubbas around me as always, I'm off to sleep, but I just wanted to Thankyou for replying. It helps me too.
Puppies!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
So glad you have your furry babies to pamper you with love!! My husband and I have slept apart for over 10 years now. My daughter (11) crawls in with me all the time and I am grateful. :)
Walking my dogs
Submitted by nickyadams6 on
I’ve been trying to send this most of the day but it wouldn’t let me
I was walking my dogs this morning, thinking, when I was by myself years ago I used to get lonely ,but I was better just having a companion than having a full blown relationship! Well that’s what I have now , so maybe if I learn to really accept that, then life will be easier? It’s funny as I’ve gotten older I have a lot of light bulb moments, moments when I realise that’s why I did certain things at certain times in my life. It can be quite refreshing at times, so today walking the pups was one of those moments for me.
I need to concentrate even more on myself , which I find very hard, I have things I could do but something holds me back.
Nickyadams6 & Melody...
Submitted by c ur self on
Love reading y'alls comments back and forth...When our spouses don't invest in all aspects of the marriage (intimacy, etc..) it is so valuable to be able to be heard....To be affirmed and shown empathy...On this web site, so many deal w/ such similar behaviors, that the understanding we have for each others pain, is priceless...
c
Thankyou
Submitted by nickyadams6 on
Thankyou for your reply , I wrote on this forum for the first time in 2014 and hadn’t been on here till now, the overwhelming feeling I get when I chat to what I call kindred spirits it’s amazing! I’ve been away only to my sisters on one of my ( get yourself out of the house) moments. It helps me regroup with myself and my husband does know how important that is for me. My dogs have helped me do this, because they give him focus while I’m away, as much as I miss them ,we both know how important it is to get away even for a day. I used to have a fairytale idea about marriage as probably a lot of people did, but when I look in on other relationships I find they all have some sort of challenge going on, it’s what we do about it that is important, and me coming on here and talking is my doing something.
So to all involved in Relationships with mental health at the fore, I send hugs and strength and I hope you find some solace in this forum as I have, as I say. I may not be on here all the time , but when I am I THANKYOU !
Mental health @ the fore....
Submitted by c ur self on
This statement you've made is Key to finding the day to day endurance for living with many of our spouses (my wife for sure).....Experiencing her life style, her thinking, her decision making would have destroyed me and us, (left long ago) if I didn't know mental illness was involved....(I almost let it early on, counting every thing as intentional)...And honestly I still struggle with her priorities and how intrusive she lives much of the time...
I found I am at my most peaceful (not overwhelmed w/ thoughts related to her life) when I accept, and expect, her to live in a way that isn't one that promotes responsibility, or husband and wife unity....Then set boundaries as necessary, to protect from her intrusive thinking and behaviors....I found that if I do not enable her dysfunctional living, habits etc...Then I can force her into dealing with the product of her actions....This is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do....(separating real love, from enabling/mothering) I got in a bad place in those early years, I was drowning trying to fill in all the gaps.....It's been several years now trying to master what I must do (my own thinking, feelings, and behaviors) to get it right....It's got to be real love...When we use the word love as an excuse for enabling our spouse's lack of effort, in area's that a normal wife or husband does with out thought....We are not loving that person....We are making and invalid out of them, because of our own self love....This is some thing it took me a long time to come to grips with....And even a much longer time to change....It may be things as simple as ignoring messes she leaves to force her to come back around and have to face it herself, or, going for a walk, or running an errand, when I see she is fixing to get up running around the house in a wild mind set, of will u, will u, will u, because she keeps hitting snooze until she is in time trouble....I've set many boundaries to eliminate the way's she can take advantage of me....and vise of versa....When we had no boundaries to protect either of us....What she got from me was verbal abuse a lot of the time...I didn't view her as a person with a mental illness....I viewed her actions like she was normal....So I had no problem telling her she was lazy, and undisciplined...I saw her as a person who married me just to use me, and take advantage of me...I felt no real love....I was a wreck....I couldn't understand why she could not trust, could not lay down the competitive spirit....I wasn't someone she could love....I didn't realize it for a while....But my very normal abilities in life was an insult to her....She was always comparing us....She was insulted by my work ethic and my energy....I didn't know anyone lived like she did...I wish I had had a better understanding of what her life was like....I wouldn't have married her....But I would have been a good brother and friend, If I had any say in it....
I was married 30 years before I lost my first wife to cancer....So I know what sharing looks like...I know what normal day to day marital giving and sharing is like...But the moment my guard goes down (lose awareness of what is highly probable, and an a surety at some point) I find myself more deeply effected (emotionally) than I should be....And it's all because I get lost on what seems normal at times, then boom!, I wasn't ready, I quietly slipped the rose colored glasses on without realizing it....When I do that, the impact of the not normal, the seemingly self-centered, selfish thinking and behaving overwhelms me all over again....Because my guard was down...I was thinking normal....Why do we do this? Because it's simply who we are, it's in our nature to want a peaceful and unified relationship, one of love and communication....I have to get over that...I don't know about any one reading this...But I have to be able to be thankful for what God as done to teach and humble me and show his love to me.....So many times I've found my self miserable, because I was looking for something (peace, contentment, and great Joy) in my marriage relationship it could not supply...No matter what kind of mind she lives in.....
Blessings
c
I hear you
Submitted by nickyadams6 on
I hear you ,Firstly I’m very sorry for your loss, having lost many a wonderful person to Cancer myself , I understand the grieving process all too well. I’m just recently getting to grips with th acceptance part, it is hard and I do find myself lapsing at times , but it does help me. With the help of these forums and trips to my friends, I am seeing through different eyes , I believe there is something bigger than us guiding us in the right direction, I worked for over 25 years in Musical theatre, I travelled the world I experienced so much, when I moved away from that ( it ended up disappointing me greatly) after I married my husband ,I was able to use my organisational skills and boy did I need them! I was also able to nurse my best friend to his life’s end, which was humbling in itself.what I’m trying to say is that I firmly believe my journey was how it was meant to be , my Granny used to say” what doesn’t kill ya makes you stronger” and she was right, those moments when it’s like a glimmer of normal, I hold onto them with all my might, they are so few and far between, the appreciation, for being me, I do get told probably 3 or 4 times a year but I’ve learnt that that’s ok. That’s our relationship, as is me buying my own cards for Christmas , valentines and sharing it with him so I get a card. Win win! I learnt how to react in a different way so I got a better response , but the thinking normal kicks in at times and up it goes like a bottle of pop ( soda)
well Ive digressed onto so many things, many apologies. The reason I said about my work was because I did so much and travelled so far, now that I don’t ,I have no regrets , I’ve done what I set out to do when I was younger. I said when I was 21 “ I’m doing all the big shows now for a reason, I don’t know what that reason is yet but there’s a reason” I’m 48 now and still believe that, even though my life is a challenge most days.
Hold onto the happy how ever few and far between it is and I will practice what I preach. :)
(I’m just recently getting to
Submitted by c ur self on
(I’m just recently getting to grips with th acceptance part, it is hard and I do find myself lapsing at times , but it does help me.)
Well I understand completely, we all are human, and we all have lapses....It is hard to repeatedly cut a spouse slack (concessions) when they clearly put little to no effort into much about life, as it relates to marital responsibilities....When we watch them cover ever little detail when it comes to something they deem important or entertaining for them...So we back slide into pointing this stuff out...Which usually only creates stress in us, and is usually meet w/ excuses, justification and defensiveness by them....
I have to see the futility in this kind back and forth trauma....The bottom line for me (probably most people) is, I really don't want to be in a marriage where my spouse doesn't count it their number one priority in life....I do, and if I didn't, I would pack up and leave.....
But w/ mental illness, and someone insisting on self absorbed thinking and behaving....To not accept what is happening right in front of my face, only causes me to suffer.....
c
Just checking in
Submitted by nickyadams6 on
Hi, I thought I’d just check to see how you are and let you know my recent developments. Well my husband has gone back to work! It’s so much better at home now. He’s no good being at home as he gets boxed in and can’t see a way out. Im ever so slowly having conversations with him, getting my point across in a calm way and getting good responses. It does neither of us good to be together 24/7. I’m making him do more around the place and ignoring his grumbles. Which in the end gets the jobs done and he actually doesn’t mind in the end. It’s not perfect, but it’s a lot better than it has been recently and I’m happy with that. I’m looking forward
Nicky