Hello. I am a non adhd spouse of an untreated man- we have been married for 22 long years. I just got yelled at because he forgot I had bought tickets to a concert at a local art gallery tonight- and besides that- I scheduled a birthday dinner for he and my son- and the next day- we are hosting the youth group at our house! How could I be so self centered to do all that? Literally all he has to do is show up these events but it’s apparently very problematic. Just one example of the millions of times I have been yelled at over the years. Not just yelled at but attacked personally. I am so selfish, ungrateful, hateful, angry, etc etc. He can’t keep track of anything, he never will initiate any activities with the family, so all the planning and carry out falls to me. And I’m so self centered. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that for the first time in several years he has worked full time this week. We have six kids- five in the home- and except for $200/wk for groceries- I pay all the bills. Until summer I was working two jobs, six days a week to pay for our three boys college tuition. I have bought the adhd marriage book, he agreed to read it but is reading at a very very slow pace. I’m just so tired.
So very tired of it all
Submitted by Exhausted44 on 06/22/2019.
Hi Keri
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I wish I had words of hope or wisdom for you. All I have is a warm welcome and an "I am so sorry you have to be here." It sounds like you have way too many responsibilities!!! How is there enough "you" to go around!? I just have one child and I am worn out from exactly what you described. I can't imagine how tired you are. I hope you will find something helpful here... at least some empathy from people who understand. I have found that invaluable.
All the best to you.
Hi KeriC
Submitted by c ur self on
Much of the pain I've suffered being married to my add wife is because I didn't (still don't at times) accept what is and isn't possible....So I end up trying to engage her like normal couples engage each other...Normal here meaning people who are capable of calm communications, the ability to love, respect, agree and disagree w/o negative emotions flaring up....
There are so many problems and difference's in the way we both...Think, Feel, and behave...That nothing good ever comes from assuming (being in denial of reality) we can have a normal type of life together...No one likes to have a marriage full of boundaries, and going separate ways so much, we don't even feel married...But I personally found that the alternative (the things you posted about, and worse) to be more unacceptable than the boundaries, and respecting differences.....
I love to share, to have openess, and closeness.....And for years I've tried to be that person w/ her....But it's not possible....We have so many differences....And w/ her add, and her defensive mindset...It's impossible to discuss when she forgets (like your husband)...To tell her, Oh, I sorry, you must of forgot, but we covered that....Do you know what kind of response I get from her?? Some how I think you do;)...So to continue being me, was just not working....
The only suggestion I have is set boundaries on yourself to eliminate unfruitful dialog, no matter how much you would like to share things or discuss things w/ him....Living w/ add/adhd especially those who are in denial and turn defensive about their limitations in communication, recall, etc....It's just better we try to stay aware of (learn from all the other failures) their go to attitude, and the quick defensive posturing that follows....I have no doubt you need him to communicate, you need his effort and energy w/ 5 children....But, based your post, you are paying a high price for seeking it....
You should try an adhd counselor, if you haven't, some times a respected third party can make break throughs...(Make it real for them)...Putting herself in other people's shoes isn't my wife's strong suit....A self-absorbed mind finds that about impossible.....
Blessings...I will pray for your family...
c
KeriC,
Submitted by AlishaJune on
KeriC,
I'm with you. I'm a non ADHD spouse and have severe case, untreated ADHD husband with four children. Your statement is very much familiar with my husband. He told me last night that he is not happy with our relationship because I have a problem. I'm always see "a glass is half full" and not appreciate. He does not participate any family functions such as kids shool show, award ceremony, concert, etc. Same as you that if I don't plan activities, nothing happens here. All he does at home is watching YouTube videos on his cell or playing game. Of course he has anger issues, too. I had 7 stitches on my head but he had no remorse because it was my fault that he knocked me down on the floor. My husband does not accept he has ADHD (he had diagnosed as a severe case ADHD in the past) and he does not have any problems. I have problems and I'm the one need counseling and need to see a doctor according to him. I read a lot of articles which suggest to see a marriage counselor, but it will not work for me. I'm tired, too.
Sounds like my life, except I
Submitted by astronwolf on
Sounds like my life, except I am a non ADHD spouse of an untreated female. I've endured 25-years of ADHD hell. Wife is sitting at home right now, probably hyper-focused on something that caught her attention 30-minutes ago. I have two jobs and pay all the bills. She sits around at home, and can't get anything done. If I don't clean the house, it doesn't get cleaned. I have to deal with clean clothes mixed with dirty laundry, garbage, stuff she just drops on the floor or tosses outside, piles of junk mail, clutter, piles of dishes, dirty bathrooms, the lawn, house repairs etc. etc. She does very very little of it, and usually creates chaos out of whatever I try to bring into order. I'm just so tired I want to walk away from this and never look back.
Well astronwolf....There is good news.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Me and many more (men and women) completely, (100%) know what you are dealing with....Many of us have spent years also, living the exact same life that you are....Dealing with the exact same behaviors as you do....You may find this web site to be a real blessing...Most do!...Because very few people (very very very few) 1) understand completely, Live it!!! and 2) I know how people look at you when attempt to explain what you deal with....LOL...Man what is wrong with you? Nobody lives that way...LOL....Of course, we know they do..Sadly!.
Welcome! Read a while....The only thing that has seemed to make my life more peaceful, is to attempt to fully acceptance her reality (what she is capable of, and what she is willing to do to help it) ....And setting boundaries to limit the chaos and intrusiveness her life dishes out...What happened w/ me, and seems to happen with many men and women in our situation....We allow our emotions and psychological state to be negatively impacted (anger, bitterness, feelings of loneliness, abandonment and not being loved or appreciated)...I hear you!...LOL....Who wouldn't?? Two things are happening....Life is overwhelming their minds ability!.....And there life is overwhelming us!
So...The answers are simple to me....1) Since some people's ability (style) to live, makes them completely unfit for relational living...Then they should stay single...But, since we can't undo time, that option is off the table....2) Just set down and agree to live apart...Whether that means permanent separation, or divorce....Or 3) Set boundaries, and both agree to respect them....4) Goes along w/ 3...Practice Grace and Forgiveness because even w/ the best of boundaries, we are still human....
P.S...You should try to get your spouse to try Vyvanse....My wife does adderall...But, it effects personality in some people...Vyvanse seems to have a better rep...It could possibly give her the ability to mange her time and life so much better...(Focus) ...It's worth a try, if she is willing...
c