Submitted by hcc on 06/27/2019.
Looking for advice on how to stop an adhd husband from lying to cover up things he is ashamed of. I just got back from a vacation without my husband and saw a couple of new scratches on his brand new truck. I didn’t say anything about that for a couple days and then asked him what happened. He said those scratches were there since the winter and that I just never saw them. I park by his truck everyday. I know he is lying. He does this occasionally and then tells me I’m a terrible wife for not believing him. I feel like he is playing mind games woth me. Any recommendations on how to solve this marriage problem would be comforting.
Marriage Problems?
Submitted by c ur self on
Marriage problems, are people problems...mine and hers...What I have found out about my add wife is:....I can never attempt to judge her, or think for her, based on how I think or act in life (my feelings about things)...If I lived like she did (distracted, very little ability to manage time and promptness, self-absorbed with her own wants, carries shame about much of her dysfunctional behaviors, tries to hide it, etc)...I would be cheating on her, and really would not care if she knew it....So I must trust her, until I catch her in a lie (not saying this like I think I will, after 11 years, I really don't think I will) that I know is a lie, without a shadow of a doubt....(provable)....
What she does, because of her independence and shame, is with-hold information, limited openness, (not volunteer certain information about her actions in conversation)....If I press her she will tell me...But if she really has shame, or thinks it was a stupid move (an add effect, she wants to pretend didn't happen) or something I would take exception to (that she is justifying) she want bring it to light....
People who easily forget, people who can't track time well, people who get easily distracted, people who are quick to make seat of the pants choices and decisions, w/o much or any thought....Usually live with a lot of regret and hiding of these things...So to be in denial of all these traits, should probably be expected, and shouldn't shock us, the on- lookers....But being the spouse makes these realities difficult to accept many times....For two reasons, one we can't get away from the effect...And because our minds and thought processes are so counter to their's....It's hard to put ourselves in their shoes....
Does add/adhd minded folks lie or cheat? I would guess those who live with that kind of heart would...Just like the rest of us who excuse ourselves, and live with out convictions to not do it... ....Deal w/ your own thinking, and try to trust him...It will be one worry you want have pressing your mind any more....Besides, you can't do any more about his choices while you were away, then he could do about your choices while you were away...
If we aren't willing to trust each other, what in the world are we doing wasting our time being married to one another?
c
Lying
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I found that with my fiancee, I changed the way I reacted to situations in which he was lying. Not saying that I gave him a free pass. Whether it was a lie by omission or outright lying to my face....
I changed my reaction and was calm about it when I found out, it made it easier for him to be honest with me, and not feel that he would "be in trouble",
I also made it clear that if he were to continue lying to me, there would be no point in being in the relationship. I don't hide things from him, I expect the same.
I know he is lying. He does
Submitted by Brindle on
I know he is lying. He does this occasionally and then tells me I’m a terrible wife for not believing him.
My husband did that before. The anger I felt when I found out he’d lied AND manipulated me into dropping the subject...! Hoo boy, he broke my trust forever with that. I told him so. And guess what? He got angry. I learned a lot about him in those moments.
I’ve seen him lie more times after that about things he’d know I’d be livid over. I just don’t trust a lot of what he says. I don’t ask him if he did stuff that I know he won’t admit to. And I don’t trust a lot of the things he tells me. The few times the issue of whether or not I believe him comes up, he gets so angry. Oh well. I just move on. He made that bed. He will have to lie in it.
I am sorry that I can’t give you an answer to solve the lying problem. It really does break down a relationship.
But I think the advice from Adele was good - react as little as possible. Don’t give him a free pass, but don’t fly off the handle, as they say. He will lie less if you are calm, which is maddening, I know. Change what you’re doing so he will be honest?! Yes, it’s not fair At All. Not fair not fair not fair. But staying calm makes US feel better, and we have to take care of ourselves when in these difficult relationships.
And if you decide that the lying is a relationship breaker, then you’re right. It is. How bad the fracture will be is up to you. Does it just hurt now and again? Or is a total break? You get to decide.
And much care and sympathy to you from all of us here. Come back and talk to us when you can.
I don't have any golden
Submitted by burgerday on