I believe that it is very important to review why we love our partners, and to be truly honest with it. Consider the two statements below:
1. I love my partner.
2. My partner loves me.
If you love your partner, then you will want to spend time with them, to cherish them, to show your love for them. No matter what, the potential is there that you yourself will insist upon nurturing the relationship in order to help the marriage succeed: thick and thin; highs and lows; good and bad. However, if we are to follow the second statement, our relationship now becomes dependent upon the actions of our partner in order to keep the love going. Once this happens and the partner falls short, it becomes tempting to blame them, and although technically we were the ones who expected that they keep the love going, our expectations may have contributed to a ruined relationship.
During marriage, the two statements can be very easily mixed: 'I love my partner, therefore my partner should love me'. Soon enough, this may be corrupted and instead becomes: 'I will only love my partner if they love me'.
Knowing this, I say once again: I believe that it is very important to review why we love our partners, and to be truly honest with it.
- If you love your partner because he or she was kind, then your love is dependent upon a past kindness you strongly admire, such that it is worthy of your dedication for the rest of your life. Any extra acts of kindness will only increase your love for them, therefore the potential effort you can put into nurturing your relationship.
- If you love your partner because he or she is kind, then your love is dependent upon their present acts of kindness; if it fluctuates, so will yours, and this may turn into a vicious cycle that spirals down (or up). To prevent this, decide whether your partner's changes were justified or not.
- If you love your partner because he or she was/is kind to you, then your love is dependent upon their past/present kindness exclusively to you.
I've found that knowing both accurately and precisely who you are and what you will and won't accept is quite important in deciding the opportunities open for your relationship to move forward, as well as checking if these intentions decided to develop or change over time.
Intentions changed over time
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I thought about this one for quite awhile. Relationships do change over time, especially when considering the period of hyperfocus.
If you love your partner, then you will want to spend time with them, to cherish them, to show your love for them. No matter what, the potential is there that you yourself will insist upon nurturing the relationship in order to help the marriage succeed: thick and thin; highs and lows; good and bad.
Flip it:
If my partner loves me, then he/she will want to spend time with me, cherish me, show his/her love for me. No matter what.... the potential is there that he/she will insist on nurturing the relationship in order to help the marriage succeed.
I think there is a reasonable expectation that both parties in a marriage will act in accordance with these statements. In short, there is usually an intention or expectation of mutual effort. The sticking point seems to be when the effort is one sided. Still, I get your point. If we choose to applaud the good characteristics of our partners, there should be enough there to forge a bond through thick and thin.
After reading this and thinking about it, I can see that my intentions changed over time.
Let's choose just one characteristic - honesty/integrity. I loved my partner because he exhibited honesty and integrity. When he displayed those characteristics in his general life, it reinforced my admiration and confirmed my dedication. I was willing to put forth the effort. I loved my partner because he I could see that he operated with honesty and integrity in his every day life. But ... I expected that he would continue acting in an honest way. When he did not, I had to take a look at my commitment and draw some boundaries. I loved him because he began by being honest with me and I expected him to continue to act with integrity.
When he discontinued acting with integrity I had to re-evaluate. What changed? Why wasn't he acting the same way he was at the beginning. Or... the creeping, nagging, uncomfortable thought.... was he NEVER REALLY operating with integrity? It made me question everything. My beliefs in his ability to operate within my core value system was compromised and my intentions changed and my love for him did become dependent on acting in a way that was consistent with my values.
I couldn't see any way the changes were justified, especially after treatment and therapy were refused.
Now, you could substitute kindness, responsibility, financial stewardship, quality time spent.... with honesty and integrity. Is it enough that someone is kind and loving to the rest of the world and turns it off for you? Spends time with everyone else but you? It all becomes very tricky. Do you continue to put forth the effort because the core characteristic is still there, just not applied to you? Is it enough when your partner does not put forth the effort to nurture the marriage. It quickly becomes a slippery slope where not nurturing = not feeling loved = not loving.
Love
Submitted by smd1409 on
Human lives are valuable. So too is the love you show to others. I believe that that is amongst the reasons for why it is so destructive when the bonds of marriage are broken.
Their choices will inevitably change your lives. If through their actions or inactions, they drive away the love you chose to give to them, then it is their loss; however, what is worrying is if that love is restricted and removed because of our own shortcomings that we choose to blame on others--it then becomes our loss.
I was talking about our intentions in order to support, not to shame. I just don't want others to be sad and stay there.
How would you know if that
Submitted by packingslip on
How would you know if that changes? And do both individuals need to be in the same page?
Intentions changing over time...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My intentions changed over time because my Ex husband became abusive 4 years into the marriage. My intentions changed because his changed first. For years, I still loved him, and blamed my shortcomings for his abuse. After all, if I were a better person, he wouldn't be abusive.
Eventually, I crawled out of my pit of depression, and realized that his abuse of me was not MY FAULT. My love for him changed into sadness, hatred and at the end, pity. How sad that he needed to put me down and treat me like garbage to feel good about himself.
You/They drove me to it...
Submitted by adhd32 on
Sometimes when my H goes on a rant he will blame me or someone else and say he was driven to his out of control behavior. I have pointed out multiple times that he is responsible for his behavior and no one MAKES him behave a certain way. He needs to learn techniques to deal with frustration and anger. I do not exhibit this type of behavior because I have learned how to disagree without personalizing an opposing view, he has not. He cannot negotiate because, I think, the give and take makes him feel like he is "losing" since he cannot think fast enough to come up with alternatives. His negotiating technique is to stubbornly cling to his original idea and ramp up the volume rather than reconsidering his position. H does whatever it takes to make himself look good in his own eyes without regard to the consequences. He has alienated everyone around him yet he still doesn't see that his behavior is the problem.