they pull out ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior and mistakes but otherwise fight tooth and nail to insist that they can't possibly have ADHD?

Earlier this year, I had some trouble with my car battery and had to get jump starts at work.  I therefor bought two of the rechargeable jump starters--one for my car, one for her van.  A few months later, I noticed that her jump starter was in the front seat area of the van and I warned her that was not a good place to keep it.  She did not listen and left it there.  Then I found it on the driveway, saturated with water.  My best guess is that our daughter knocked it out, as she is prone to do and as I had feared would happen if it remained in the front seat area.  Our daughter regularly throws things around, such as through game controllers or remotes on the floor when she wants to watch TV or throwing stuff off our bed so she can watch TV in our room.  Garbage does not go in the garbage can, but in convenient places such as behind the couch.

My wife's response?  I should give her my jump starter to take on a trip, even though she has a much newer vehicle and I had been getting stranded at work because of problems with my car battery!  I told her that this was another case of her making a mess and assuming that I would eat the consequences for her.  I call this behavior "I made this mess--Now YOU clean it up!"  This event came up in counseling last night, and she said that I should not have "punished her" given that I think she has ADHD.  (I pointed out that this was not me punishing her, but the natural consequences of her not being responsible with the jump starter.)

ADHD--it's not a diagnosis that can lead to improved marriages through proper treatment.  It's a Get Out of Jail Free card!

Any time I mention her ADHD symptoms she becomes insulted.  Even though she recognizes both of our kids have ADHD, she still acts as if it is a stigma and that it is better to deny having it than to confront the problem.  Hey, as long as there aren't any consequences for her, why not?  

Last night, I also mentioned several times that I needed to get to bed because I have to get up at 5:30 to go to work (and be there by 8:00).  My wife has the summer off.  Our son was tying up the restroom, and our daughter was watching TV in our bed room.  I got them out by myself.  When my wife finally came up for bed, she got into a big argument with our daughter--even though I had repeated that I need to get sleep.  She was yelling right outside of our bedroom door.  When our counselor asked how we take care of each other, I provided the example that I try to keep the kids quiet when she needs rest.  When I need rest?  What does it matter--there isn't any real problem as long as she can sleep in!  I was up past midnight.