Hello everyone,
This is my first post and I’m sorry that’s its such a dark, long one. I’m just in a very bad place right now and I don’t know what to do...
I’m the ADHD partner, and my husband (non-ADHD partner) and I recently discovered Melissa Orlov’s book, The ADHD Marriage. We’ve been together 10 years, and it’s reached a tipping point.
I read it, and I feel hopeful. For once I feel like all of the problems can be explained and there’s a path forward.
He read it, and he’s so traumatized, he can’t even talk to me about it. Its brought back up all of the years of pain that I’ve put him through.
I feel like counseling is necessary, both individually and as a couple, but I know he’s not willing at this very moment. We’ve done counseling in the past, but he’s so close to done with us that he doesn’t have the energy, motivation, to put work into something like that now. I can’t blame him. He used to be loving, caring, patient. I’ve completely zapped every last bit of patience that man ever had - he never even used to raise his voice, and now he screams at the top of his lungs, tells me I’ve ruined his life, and a lot of other hurtful things. But that’s what I’ve done to him. He’s not an abusive person. But 10 years has worn him down.
I’m a terrible partner, I can see that. I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to leave me. Everything we’ve tried before has failed. Of course I now understand why - we were never dealing with the source of the problems. I knew I had ADHD. I’ve been medicated for it for 20 years!! So stupidly, I thought, “well, I’m medicated, I made it through school, that’s that”. I had NO idea that it was wreaking havoc on our relationship. Yes, my lateness, forgetfulness, difficultly paying attention we’re a few sore points. But I didn’t attribute it to my inability to make progress on important things, on organization, paying bills, remembering deadlines, being ready for the holidays etc. Always a day late and a dollar short. And so began the “Parent-Child” dynamic in our relationship, and made everything worse.
And now, here we are: I feel like we’ve finally found the answers, but for him, it might be too late. He doesn’t want to trust me again, after so many broken promises. I don’t blame him. But at the the same time, I feel like he’s giving up 2 feet from the finish line. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he’s too little too late:(
Has anyone else experienced this? A Non-ADHD spouse being emotionally re-traumatized from reading Orlov’s book?
Thank you for listening ❤️
L
I am so sorry for your pain
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi L,
I just wanted to chime in and say how sorry I am that you are at the point you are. I would say that I am pretty close to where your husband is at as the non-spouse myself. There was a long while I wished my spouse would wake up and see things, but even if he did right now and claimed to be willing to do the work, I am not sure if I would be able to do the work required on my end... and I probably wouldn't believe him because most of his history is broken promises. It feels so insurmountable sometimes. I have been working way too hard for way too long and there are SO MANY issues. I feel very defeated. Maybe your husband feels this too.
And I can relate to certain readings bringing me down. I own Melissa's book, too, and really it is quite hopeful, but maybe reading about the totality of all the issues in an ADHD-impacted marriage overwhelmed him. I have felt that, too. The "OMG, there is something wrong in absolutely every aspect of our marriage. It's impossible to fix." He may have also felt like a lot of the book was directing the non-spouse to try harder when we have already tried beyond hard with little reciprocal effort from the ADHD partner. That message can be frustrating.
I will say that what might bring me around is if my husband started doing some of the things I've been wanting him to do from a logistical point of view. I would love him to fix the leaky tap. Paint over the stain in the ceiling. Repair the carpet he ripped years ago. Put his laundry away. Spend time with our child. Throw out the 8-year-old beer bottles. At my most basic level, I absolutely need/crave more support around the house. It is what I want much more at this point than the relational things. I am no longer ready to schedule dates with him, hold hands, etc. While I used to approach him for these intimate things, too much has happened for that. But if he honestly, truly started doing those other things on his own... to at least approach becoming somewhat close to a reliable, equal partner in sharing the household load... I feel I could become more open to the rest of it... eventually.
So that was a long way to go to say that if your husband feels anything close to what I feel, that may be what he needs. Maybe you can get some ADHD coaching or revisit the meds to see if you're on the best dose... then start taking over some of those bills, holidays, organizational items, etc. that he has complained about. When he sees that you are not only trying, but sustaining that effort, he may come around. It just may take time. There are a ton of us on here who would love our spouses to experience the self-awareness you have. That is amazing and challenging. You are so brave for sharing and I wish the best for you.
Thank you -
Submitted by DepressedADHDSpouse on
Thank you so much, Melody.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement, it means a lot.
You're spot on with your description on his feelings of being so overwhelmed, and everything you said about his reaction to the readings. Even I found, that the book was perhaps asking a lot (for some non-spouses) by saying they need to try... but I did pick up on that note, that its not try harder, its try differently. Still, I think he felt that it was up to him once again to carry us to a better place, and I was just going to be along for the ride. He also did not like hearing about how he has hurt me. I'm not blaming him. I hate myself for how I have treated him. Neglecting his needs, creating insecurity and anxiety, doubt about my feelings for him. I feel sick about it. I love him more than anything, how can I be so hurtful?
I hope that your husband does start to make progress for you and your family. While I also have several unfinished projects laying around the house, I am the one that maintains most of the household chores. Sometimes I wish he would help me a little more but, I do think its pretty fair given that he takes care of all the bills, money management, and reminders for important things ... but sometimes it is a difficult balance, and I often feel like I cant get to those unfinished projects, when there's laundry, meals and vacuuming that have to come first.
But - I did start doing what you have mentioned here, and that is, looking for things that I can do, that will show him I am serious about change. I have found a new App that looks like it could really help organize my business, schedule, tasks, reminders, emails, etc., all in one. And yes, I manage my own business.... I am very sorry for the anxiety and dread that no doubt brings out for non-spouses!!
However, the evening of the day I wrote this original post, I decided I do something he'd been asking me to do for far too long - hang the curtains back up in the bedroom. He would have done it, but I couldn't find where I put the brackets and so until I did... we went without curtains. I put them up originally, with a few loose anchors. It was a bad job. Eventually, the old holes had to be replaced, and he filled them in, repaired the wall. We bought heavy duty anchors screws to make sure it wouldn't come loose this time. I put them up. I measured, used the anchors. But I couldn't screw the screws into the smaller, second bracket hole because they didn't fit. So I was going to get smaller screws and anchors just for those. He initially was happy to see I'd put them up, but when he noticed it was not complete/done properly, he went on to say so, reminding of the bad job the first time..... I took that hard. I just wanted him to be happy, and not criticize me. I know, its just curtains, I didn't want a trophy. I just didn't want to be reminded of how I can never seem to do anything right.
WELL... that lead to an awful fight, I think the closest we have ever been to really calling it quits. It was very painful. Amazingly, he kept his anger controlled, and I threw away my defensiveness, and through a lot of crying, we softened, and came to really feel the other person's pain, and we agreed that we want to make this work. We're both going over the "repairing" parts of the book to work on this together. I know this is not going to be easy.
I have looked into a couple of places for therapy for myself. I see my Dr in about 2 weeks, I can get a referral at that time. Both places specialize in adult adhd so hopefully one of them is a good fit.
Thank you again so very much for your support. This has been extremely difficult and I have felt so alone and powerless... but I think that's changing. :)
L
:)
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think you are wonderful for taking all these steps. And what a nice thing it was to read about the breakthrough with your husband. I am so happy for you both!! :)
...
Submitted by DepressedADHDSpouse on
Thank you, Melody, but it didn’t last very long. I’m pretty sure he’s done. I’ve not been able to change fast enough. I don’t know if I’ll be given a final chance but if I do, I have no room for error. :’(
:(
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am so sorry to hear that. It's not really reasonable to expect instant change. To be fair, maybe there is nothing you can do or maybe your husband needs a break. This is a lot of pressure and you can't suddenly become "perfect" (as he sees it). Thinking of you.
At least you aren't in denial
Submitted by adhd32 on
IMO the best thing to do, now that you are aware of how ADD is affecting your marriage, is to stop focusing on your husband and work on the things he has complained about for years. Timeliness, organization, time management, etc. Show him that you are serious about changing. He doesn't want to trust you because he has been let down over and over; why should this time be different? Let him see that you are serious about doing better. Get yourself help from a life coach rather than pushing for more counseling. You will learn real skills and be held accountable to put the skills to practice. This way your husband is not the overseer and you are accountable to someone else who will not accept your excuses. Most non spouses have heard the promises and seen time and again the loss of momentum and backsliding into old habits. This may be the reason your H isn't going all in on yet another the new theory. He may agree with everything in the book, but unless he sees you making changes and working on yourself, the only thing he has gained from the book is the reason for your marital discord.
You are 100% correct
Submitted by DepressedADHDSpouse on
Thank you, adhd32.
I think you're absolutely correct. In fact, he has literally said things like you've said, "why should this time be any different?" Of course, I can't blame him for feeling like this. I made many promises and I failed to keep them. Not because I didn't try or because I didn't care - I have not, until finding this book, ever felt like I had the answers for why I was continually struggling. You're exactly right that he's seen me try, and I make changes so things go well for awhile, only to eventually backslide in to old habits. So yes, he's read the book, and it tells him why we have al these problems, but he still has to rely on me to fix them. No wonder he's doubtful. :(
I am absolutely looking into the different types of professional help fo this. I will do whatever I can to make this work. I just hope that I can do it fast enough, and maintain it well enough, because I don't think he can handle any more disappointments.
Thank you for your candid response. Much appreciated.
L
Hi DepressedADHDspouse.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi...I've been married to you for 11 years..:)....What are you two doing about boundaries? The only way for you to stop punishing him w/ your life style, is boundaries...It's definitely better than divorce....If your husband would like someone to discuss this with, (lol, that truly understands) he can send me a personal email....I am pretty sure if you click on my screen name (c ur self) you will be able to do that with a personal contact form....
My wife is very add... (adderall) Just like you, same symptoms...I would be willing to email back and forth w/ him if he is interested....Most people can not comprehend the dynamic....Including many counselors...
c
Thank you, C
Submitted by DepressedADHDSpouse on
Hi C,
Thank you for your reply and your kind offer. I will let him know there is support for him - from someone who actually understands his frustrations. I think he would really appreciate that. It is a very isolating and lonely relationship dynamic. I feel like my inability to describe how and why I was unable to improve and make lasting change has been like trying to describes colours to a person born blind. There are no words, or explanation that I can adequately provide that even makes any sense - I even don't understand it enough myself. How do you tell someone, who has never seen the sky, or water, or a flower, what the colour blue looks like? What does colour even mean to someone, who lives in total darkness?
Thank you C
L
Your welcome L....
Submitted by c ur self on
We have to face each others realities...When we do that, we realize we cannot think for each other...That really helps us stop placing expectations on each other that is built inside our minds..(What we are capable of, and expect from ourselves)....
Once we reach this level of acceptance, what ever we decide about our futures (together or apart) we can do calmly, and respectfully of each other.....(Anger, expectations, and anxiety will diminish)
You will never be anything like one another in thought or ability...(Huge difference's) So the power struggles, the demands, the pointing it out, must die.....
I was awful to my wife in those early years, (still can be) because of the way her mind works. (more about her denial than than her add, but, that's another story) Because of this one thing, "Expectations" built around what I expect of myself and what I see other wives be responsible to do, with out a thought....(And be happy doing it)....But when you have a clinical level add spouse, you do not have the other man or women's spouse....
So simple boundaries are a must...He must be calm and loving toward you, and you must do the same...He can't beat you down verbally, and you must own your behaviors with out excuse....That has to be the first place we start....Some people's lives just work as single people, but are very intrusive in a marriage (our spouse can't get away from us like our fun loving friends, who only see the good time gal/ guy...they are subject to the stuff we hide from everyone else)....That has to be recognized if you are married....Humility and truth must swallow us up...Or, our pride will destroy us....
None are so blind as those who refuse to see......
c
Hi c,
Submitted by Crastina06 on
Hi c,
Are you and your wife still going strong? I'm in the same scenario with my spouse and was wondering if your offer to chat to OP's husband can extend to mine. Please let me know. I'm at a loss of what to do.
Hi Crastina....
Submitted by c ur self on
I read your original post, it was difficult to read, (sounds a lot like us in those first 5 years) so sorry life between you guy's is so hard...Your husband is ignorant of ADD and it effects...Based on your post, it sound to me like he is taking your behaviors as intentional, (exactly what I did early on) and that you are knowingly, with all awareness, trying to selfishly destroy the relationship and his life....He is stuck in a mind that is measuring your actions based on what would be happening in his mind for him to live the way you do....He can't conceive why a person wouldn't bath? He views all your action's in life as choices....This is why the bitterness, this is way the fights and arguments....
I would talk to him, only if he was willing and desired it....He has a long way to go...He needs educated on ADD/ADHD, he needs to OWN his Anger and abusive words, before he can move forward....Your spouse and you, have to come to the place of respect for your huge difference's of mind...As long as he places expectations over acceptance, and measure's you by neurotypical standards, he will remain unstable concerning the reality of your living of life...
Let me ask you a question to help you see his thinking...Would you want to travel (spend large amount's of hard earned money) with a spouse who possibly might not bath, who possibly might hyper focus on their iphone games, (leaving you abandoned in her company)...Who possibly would be side way's in arguments and fighting??
Traveling as a married couple in his mind mean's closeness, it mean attentiveness to a loving spouse....A trip for your husband (many of us) isn't about what you see or do while on the trip, near as much as it is about the great Joy of sharing it with the person we love...It's about being present!....When we love someone we can't trust to be present, it's difficult to accept...It's a life on loneliness....Very few would choose it, no would pay money to go through it....
There is a facebook group that would be good for your spouse to hear accountability speak....It's men only: Husbands of Wives With ADD/ADHD Marriage Support Group....I'm in it also...It's a more relaxed place for men to share their feelings and experiences....There is accountability also...He can learn about ADHD and it's effects, and he would hear about acceptance, boundaries, and come face to face w/ his own anger...I'm active there as well....
Bless you Crastina...I will pray for you...
c
Suggestions for Resources?
Submitted by Crastina06 on
Hi C,
Thank you so much for responding and for giving me hope that there is a chance of savaging our relationship. At the moment, I truly don't know where we will end up and whether we can erase years of resentment and disappointment. I don't know if we can ever have an equal partnership of mutual respect. This doesn't even take into account our underlying differences in lifestyles, values, and interests.
However, regardless of what the future holds, I do want to improve our relationship because I am sick of feeling sad and worthless all the time and having it spill over into other aspects of my life. And my husband is most likely sick of parenting his spouse.
Similar to OP's husband, he has no guarantees that things will be different and that I'll be able to break my bad habits. And even if he knows that it's possible to turn things around, as evident by some of the success stories here, we're both aware of how much work it will be. He's a realist by nature and he does not know if it is worth investing his time into what may be a false hope, after being disappointed for so long.
This is why I want to start small and show that things can be different. So far, I'm working with my doctor to try different medications because the previous just wasn't working consistently. Helping me to focus more on work wouldn't solve our issues. I've also started individual counseling to work on my defensiveness and moderate my responses. I have also started working with an ADHD coach who has experience helping individuals in similar situations to me. I even went as far as to buy a shock alarm watch to ensure that I don't oversleep my naps and wake up without snoozing 20 times.
But I want to him to learn more about the disorder and want to start small. He doesn't want to read Melissa's book because it's too long. He doesn't want to read blogs that I've sent him because it's too long. So are there helpful resources for the non-ADHD spouse that are concise and impactful? It would be great if you can let me know what helped for you.
I like your statement here to OP and I think this is where we're starting with "He can't beat you down verbally, and you must own your behaviors with out excuse..."
Thanks!
I like what you are doing w/ yourself...
Submitted by c ur self on
I just got up to get my phone and lost a long reply! So this one will be short.. lol)
Your husband can read just the first 35 or so pages of the book...Then he will hit the educated suggestions for marriage improvement....He will be shocked how much it identifies yalls dynamic...Plus, he really needs to get to the part about owning his own anger...(Please don't be offended about my next comments) Your husband would do well to log into the FB group I recommended....Your husband probably feels like he is drowning, and all alone, and no one could possibly understand even if he attempted to reach out...He is probably angry and bitter also...He probably doesn't even recognize the person he has become...Men think we can handle it, but, he needs emotional support just like yourself...It's not shocking for men and women in his shoes to say they broke down crying when they logged into this world where the people truly understood every word and behavior they listed, because they live it everyday also...He can join and just read if he doesn't want to respond....But, he will respond in time LOL....
My wife sleeps through 35 or 40 minutes of alarms every morning...Loud Zydeco dance music, etc...I've worn ear plugs for 15 years...Everything you say about yourself, i just smile, because I'm married to your twin...She plays pokemon...Set's in parking lots after work...I setting her listening to her iphone ringing because she is laying in bed playing a Spanish learning app...She competes with others and she is in the top few percent...(hyper focus LOL) But she hates all the cooking and cleaning etc...Until company is coming then she hits the shame gear!...I love her very much, we have many boundaries to protect us from each others life styles...WE just have to accept each other and be thankful...But, we've been where you guy's are at, my heart goes out to you both....
Melissa has a post about "how
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
Melissa has a post about "how to grieve the relationship you didn't get." Maybe in due course that'll be a good one for him to read. After my husband's diagnosis I basically spiralled into depression. He felt hopeful, and started reading books like ADHD Success stories, but for me, hope felt snuffed out by the diagnosis. I felt like it wasn't what I signed up for, it wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted, and that I had no hope that I ever would get the relationship I wanted. I literally grieved, with all the stages that go along with it - anger, depression... But it's been six months now. He's tried two different medications with many different dosage levels, and found one that really seems to help. In the time he was working on that, I became somewhat brutal about eliminating as many stressors from my own life as possible in order to stabilize things as much as possible. He was very supportive of this. We worked on the finances so they are now healthy. We got rid of all the clutter in the house. We paid someone to fix the broken things. I took an almost managerial role, and he was an eager employee. Which, although not ideal, is better than parent and child. Then, once everything was under control and after a month of my husband showing a lot more responsibility and stable behaviour on his new meds, I left some instructions, and took a two week holiday away. When I came back, nothing had collapsed. He'd proven his ability to keep our lives on track and look after our daughter (with the help of daycare), and it went a small way to restoring some of the trust that had sadly been lacking for a long time.
I really needed time to accept my feelings about the marriage I had wanted vs the one I had gotten, and time to see an improvement. I needed the stress levels to reduce, and stability to be established again. And I needed time to accept his limitations, and that there are some things that I will just need to take the lead on, but that he can be involved with so it doesn't all fall completely to me all the time. None of this could be rushed on my part, and it is still very much a work in process.
I would say, if it's been 20 years, maybe re-visit the meds? Are they still working? Do you need to try something new there? Also, he needs space to process his feelings and that can't be rushed. It took me 6 months to go from that black hole of near divorce to something more hopeful, and even now I'm still burned out and trying to heal myself.
You say you feel he's giving up "two feet from the finish line". From my perspective, when you identify ADHD as the issue, you're not two feet from the finish line, you're at the starting line. You're nowhere near the end, because now the actual work starts. My husband felt that way too, "Oh, it's ADHD, that's the issue, job done." Job not done. Not even slightly. Your husband is probably feeling the huge mountain of work that it'll take to get things back on track, and when you're shattered and worn out and basically doing everything yourself, honestly, it can feel like Everest in front of you. Re-connecting, re-establishing trust, re-establishing a healthy dynamic, re-establishing stability.... that's a long road and a lot of effort and there's nothing I can advise except patience. I had spent so long digging deeper and deeper for the reserves to keep going and keep our lives from falling into complete chaos that by the time we knew what the problem was between us, my well of energy was beyond empty. I had to wait for the water line to refill a little before I could summon the energy to re-invest at all in my relationship. Just be patient, don't push it, and work on yourself in the meantime. The best way to re-gain trust is by demonstrating trustworthiness. Words are unlikely to cut it at this point. Put yourself in counselling, even if he won't go yet. Go for a re-evaluation of your meds. Look into ADHD coaching. Look up support groups. Take control of the journey to treat your own condition - that is no one's responsibility but yours - and hopefully somewhere along the way he'll join you in your effort to heal yourselves as a couple.
I had the same thought
Submitted by Brindle on
Before I get started, let me say that I appreciate the tone of your post. You are honest, understanding of your husband’s perspective, and your care for him comes through. I hope your husband can remember those wonderful qualities about you in the midst of the hurt.
Now, warning- blunt words...
I agree: your husband isn’t giving up two feet from the finish line. Your view is the same now as it was when you thought medication meant “boom, done.” There is so much work to be done, and your husband sees it more clearly than you do.
My husband won’t deal with his adhd. But in other areas of life, he always underestimates how much money something will take, how much time it will take, how much work it will take. So if I step in and try to show him how he’s underestimated the situation or the solution, he tells me any number of things that all communicate that he’s got it under control. Except I know he doesn’t. And when things require more, as they almost always do, he deals with it in several ways - quitting altogether, procrastinating for very prolonged periods of time, or making a big angry deal about how nothing can ever go right for him.
If my husband ever does decide to deal with his adhd, I will be glad, but I will expect nothing. He will have to prove it to me, for I know how things have gone for our whole marriage. That’s not me giving up just in front of the finish line. That’s me knowing that this is a marathon, and the only thing he’s done so far is gone shopping for his running clothes, dreaming about the finish line, but forgetting that he’s never even developed a daily running habit around the block.
Like someone else said, you’ll have to turn your eyes off of him and trying to get him excited and believing you. He will believe you and have hope when he’s got reason to. And that will happen when you focus on yourself and make changes that last.
As bluntly as I’ve said this, I do commend you on seeing how medication isn’t the totality of your responsibility. And I’m so thankful that you see his hurt and understand it. I hope that your relationship will become so much better than either of you knew it could be. It will be your reward for a hard job well done.
Hi, sounds very painful for both of you
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't speak for your husband, but as the exhausted, fed up, heartbroken nonADD spouse I can say that the only thing that would make any difference at this point is if my H would find a coach, learn new skills, manage his own problems, and be accountable to the coach. If he did that successfully for 6 months- please note I said successfully, not perfectly-- I would then agree to go to marriage counseling to see if we could try again. Signs of success: (I know a lot of this sounds negative but I honestly don't even have the patience to try to be positive)
Stop giving up as soon as things get the slightest bit difficult or uncomfortable
Stop expecting me to always pick up the slack
Stop using unhealthy coping mechanisms for his anxiety
Start taking responsibility for mistakes instead of making excuses
Tolerate sadness and anger (his own and mine) without deflecting or blame shifting
Have dinner ready to eat when I get home from work
Do fun things with the kids; plan the activities himself without my help; get ready to go without my help (plan ahead for something that appeals to everyone; have enough $ for gas, snacks, and drinks; find directions if needed; print out the directions if going someplace where he won't be able to use Google maps; make sure ahead of time that the place they are going is open and not closed due to a holiday or other reason; ignore their attempts to get him to let them choose screen time instead; start all of this far enough ahead of time to resolve issues that may come up: for example, printer is out of paper
I am always willing to help when asked but currently I really need him to show me that he is capable and will persist and get things done. In the past he has shown a lot of enthusiasm for trying differently, but if he hits the teeniest snag, he reverts to attempts to engage me in parent child dynamics. He needs to show me that he can do it all on his own (competently, not perfectly)
After 12 years of spending huge amounts of time, energy, and money to get him the tools he needs, change my own behavior to try to get out of parent child and just to have him quit trying every time he doesn't feel like doing it, I am not willing to get my hopes up again. I need to see 6 months of committed, consistent, serious effort.
Signs of success
Submitted by Swedish coast on
That's a good list of success signs!
I think none of these things have been within reach for my ADD husband for years. The strange thing is, I'm not sure if he's even aware that he is incapable of hanging in or cooking.
His and my reality have almost nothing in common now.
I feel for ya, going thru it now too
Submitted by mels1029 on
Hi L,
Been with my BF for 2 years, while it hasn't been a 10 year marriage, i can fully understand what your are going through. I am currently in the same hole right now. Just after another spree of blow up fights about God knows what now....I understand my issues, been medicated and in therapy for years, despite all my efforts, I cant seem to get it all right. I try soooooo hard, but it's never enough. Being yelled at for not listening or becoming too excited about something is just the beginning. I don't know why our partners cant be more compassionate. Also noticed that our fights seem to happen every single month, about 5-7 days before my cycle is about to begin again. It always results in lots of yelling, misinterpretations, name calling, feeling of worthlessness, always feeling like i'm the one to blame, when i know im not. I wish my partner would read a book, although, im a little scared it will give him more fuel to hit me with when we get into these fights. He uses my most vulnerable of things and throws it back into my face, i know its because he's just so angry and frustrated with me, and he always things its intentional....i have the biggest heart and feel almost too much. I understand that my relationships have always suffered, but this guys the one guy that actually gives a damn to keep at it, although i feel like we are always on our last strings we seem to get thru it, however, never ever with resolution. Just lots of apologies from me which he's made clear is a pattern and i don't disagree with him most of the time, he thinks i do..... I agree that we need help but he thinks its just my problem, not our problem.....but alone and at work, im fine....relationally, thought i was great at them but turns out i'm not. I believe that being an ADHD woman has major challenges because we also deal with hormones, when those two happen in the right cocktail, they can be disastrous.
youre stronger than your think you are, that's what they keep telling me, i guess their right, look as how far we've come in life!
Update Please
Submitted by Crastina06 on
Hi Melissa,
Do you and OP mind sharing an update on the current status of your relationship? If things improved, it would be amazing if you can share what worked. If things didn't and need support, the community is still here to commiserate.
That's me:( devastated
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
That's me:( devastated grieving wife of my adhd husband . Crying day and night trying to see the path to save us. But my husband is in total denial about adhd impact, foes not believe a single word I say about dynamics between us. Only happy when ALL BLAME is on me for everything that ever went wrong between us.
yes, I'm very traumatized and what's left of me is looking for hope, a crumble of hope