Dear all,
I finally plucked up my courage to share my experience in this forum. Apologies in advance for the long essay.
When I first read an article by Melissa Orlov on ADHD marriage, I cried so badly because many of the points mentioned resonate with what I experienced in the past 3 years. It’s like I finally understood what I was going through.
My husband & I dated for 6 years & we are married for 3 years. We have a 3 year-old child.
He was loving towards me when we were dating & even planned a surprise overseas trip to propose to me. I loved him for his high & seemingly endless energy, he is super focused with his job & always looking to do / learn new things. He would work on his laptop late into the night even after we went out & had a long day, he would wake up early on weekends to work when most people may sleep in. I admired that, I thought he was super committed to his career. He studied courses online or after work, obtained a postgraduate diploma & exceled at his assignments. He enjoys traveling & will plan detailed , sometimes impulsive, overseas trips. It felt exciting & all I had to do was pack my luggage & follow.
But in other areas of life, he has always been messy, disorganized & forgetful. Every day, he will forget where he placed his hand phone, wallet, glasses & asking for help to locate them. He will forget important appointments, miss to pay his bills & end up with late charges. He also cannot sit still & is constantly fidgeting, he says it helps him focus. Sometimes he will be so hyperactive he talks excessively without much content. I did not read too much into these, I thought that most guys are like this.
Everything felt like a fun adventure until it all came crashing down after we got married & I became pregnant. During my entire pregnancy & after the baby came, I suddenly felt so abandoned & alone. He seemed to have completely lost interest in me, & he became obsessive with playing computer games late into the night, being in his own world changing from one hobby to the next. I was left confused, angry, bitter, wondering what I have done wrong & why he does not seem to love me anymore. I thought he was having an extramarital affair.
Moving into our own house added further strain to the relationship as he will always mess up, does not help out with chores unless I nag at him excessively & when he did finally help out he did so unwillingly. I find myself constantly reminding, nagging him around & I felt more like his mother than his wife. We no longer have common topics to talk about, he does not reply to my messages or the cute baby photos I sent him throughout his work day, claiming he does not even have 5 seconds to reply me. It also felt like he can’t be bother with & doesn’t want to care for our child until she was almost 2 years old. He just switched-off on us.
He also became incredibly rude & cruel to me, ignoring my needs when I struggled with breastfeeding, mastitis & lack of sleep. Once I had to visit a breast surgeon to remove an abscess due to the infection, the procedure was painful despite having local anesthesia & I could hardly walk after we left the clinic. He did not care & walked ahead, leaving me struggling to catch up with him. When I got upset with his behavior, he chided me that it should not be painful because of the anesthesia.
Being treated like this daily turned my hurt turned into frustration & anger. I fought aggressively to gain his attention & support, but it was a losing battle that ended with him thinking I went crazy & retreated further away into his own world. Simply calling his name when he is working will make him all agitated (on hindsight, maybe this simple act of calling him distracted him from his work). When confronted, he does not seem to know what went wrong & always think that the marriage is going well. I felt he was just sweeping all the issues under the carpet & refused to address them. He does not even hold my hand, comfort or hug me & needless to say the intimacy was non-existent. We don’t say “I love u / miss you” anymore. We became housemates sharing a child & house.
We tried to go for marriage counseling but his ego prevented us from returning, I went for counseling on my own. I struggled to stay afloat coping with the baby, household chores, keeping my career without the love & support of a husband. I could never have imagined myself being so broken & in a loveless marriage. His mindless remarks & behavior will often trigger explosive inferno from me. It just felt like a never ending rollercoaster & vicious cycle. I became suicidal & considered a divorce to save my sanity.
He saw a psychiatrist last year but he came back to tell me the doctor said he is fine & has no ADHD.
I don’t think he was entirely honest during the diagnosis & went just for the sake of proving me wrong.
Earlier this month, he did an online adult ADHD quiz & finally admitted the outcome was borderline adult ADHD.
Things are slowly improving as I learn more about ADHD & also pointing out what I think are the symptoms to him. I think this helps with his awareness & he is slowly becoming more helpful. There are still some bad days. I know he wants a second child but I’m so afraid of being abandoned & going back to that dark period in life again. I feel we should work on improving the marriage first before considering another child.
I wish to seek the advice of everyone here do you think I am in an ADHD marriage?
Should we seek a second opinion on his ADHD diagnosis & will medication help?
Thank you for reading & any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Cheers,
Jelly
Probably!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Jelly. I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.
I could have written your post. All I can recommend is to trust your experience. If you can get your husband to go for another diagnosis (preferably where YOU are involved this time so the physician can hear your point of view), then great. But even if you can't get him there, YOU know what you've been through. Trust yourself. You know what you're seeing!
I can relate to everything you wrote about losing keys/wallet/phone/glasses, etc. daily. Late bill payments. Missed appointments. Blowups over nothing. A house in disarray. It goes on and on. And like you, it worsened 100000% when our baby arrived. He couldn't handle it and still can't. She is now 11. However, I remember well the shock of feeling like a single parent while still recovering from a difficult delivery. Honestly I think adding a baby to relationship was the tipping point for him... way too much for him to manage when he struggles to manage himself alone. So he checked out, lived his life as if he didn't have a family and let me deal with the baby. I had the same issues - unbelievable sleep deprivation and major breastfeeding problems. It is a nightmare dealing with it alone and worse because family and friends have no idea. They think you have a husband to help, but you don't. I know. It's awful. I will say that I decided not to have more children after I saw how he handled the first one.
Please take care of yourself. You mentioned considering divorce and even suicide. I am so glad you sought counseling and please don't stop seeking what you need to stay healthy and balanced for YOU. No matter your husband's actions, you are deserving of love and this world needs you. *I* needed you today, in fact. Your post helped me, honestly. And your child needs you, right? Without you, your husband would become the primary caregiver, yes? Eeks! (At least "eeks" is how I feel in my situation!)
My husband also feels he doesn't have ADHD. I don't know if it's utter denial (it seems so painfully obvious!) or if his way of being is simply his "normal" so he honestly can't see it. He downplays every symptom, has a very inaccurate view of himself and absolutely can NOT comprehend how his behavior impacts other people.
This was a long way to go to suggest that what you are experiencing is absolutely normal in an ADHD-impacted relationship. You are not alone. I hope you can get your husband to get a second opinion, some medication and hopefully some ADHD coaching/counseling. I really think it's important for you to be present for a diagnosis so you can provide your perspective. I think us "non" spouses can just see the symptoms more clearly than our spouses can and doctors can benefit from our input.
All the best to you, Jelly. So glad you shared your story today. Put yourself first - you deserve it! :)
Thank you~
Submitted by jellyberries on
Dear Melody, thank you so much for the sharing your story & kind words of support. I'm comforted to finally find someone who understands..I'm also sorry for what you have gone through, 11 years wow..You are so strong..I don't know if I can last that long.. I really resonate with what you mentioned about the sudden shock of feeling like a single parent.. All the hopes and dreams of discussing about our future together, nurturing a happy young family were dashed..
Yes, I came out of the suicidal cycle because of my daughter. We deserve to live, and I shouldn't be punishing myself or my daughter because of him..I now appreciate the little moments of peace whenever he travels for work. The house is much neater with me & my toddler..haha. Still busy & tired, but definitely happier. I will try my best to convince him to get a proper diagnosis, will keep you all updated. Thanks again for the love & support~ Please take care too & I'm hopeful that we will find peace, healing & joy in our lives~
" Do you think I am in an ADHD marriage? "
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I think you husband needs to be evaluated by a professional to be sure, and as Melody said....with you involved.
That said, some of your husband's behavior may or may not be ADHD-related. After the birth of our first child 23 years ago and I returned to work, it was as if my husband flipped a switch. I was dealing with clinical level depression after I went back to work. I went to my husband, because I was at the end of my rope. His reaction? "What the F**k do you want me to do about it?!" I received no compassion from him at all. He also became cruel and abusive. The abuse did not end until I filed for divorce 8 years ago.
The point I'm trying to get at is that my ex husband did NOT have ADHD. Abuse and insensitivity cannot be blamed on ADHD. My fiancee has ADHD, hence my joining this forum. He is the most sensitive and caring man I've ever known. We have been together for 4 years, and I hope that things will not change drastically after we are married.
You are right..
Submitted by jellyberries on
Dear Adele, thank you for sharing your story, I'm so glad you moved on from the abusive marriage & is in a happy relationship now. It must have taken so much courage to do that.. I dare not dream of love for myself anymore, just focusing on my daughter & trying to maintain the status quo without breaking down. You are right..abuse and insensitivity cannot be blamed on ADHD..I guess a part of me has a tiny hope that he did get an ADHD diagnosis so it will be easier for me to reconcile the past & forgive him. I will speak to him nicely about seeing a doctor together once he returns from his work trip..If he does not have ADHD..I will need to think how to move on from there..I still hope for things to work out..just that I may never understand how could a person get married, have a baby & change so drastically...
I am sorry you had to deal
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I am sorry you had to deal with that sort of behaviour at such a vulnerable time for you, there is no condition out there that justifies anyone treating another human being like that. I can understand someone being overwhelmed and scared and not knowing what to do other than to retreat, but not the continued belittling and bullying. Sure, fighting for his attention may have compounded the issues, but if this was his response to coping with additional stress, then having another child should definitely off the cards until it is dealt with - ADHD or not. For your own welfare and that of your existing child.
You yourself said that things are improving slowly with you adjusting your relations to him as if he has ADHD, which would speak to a positive diagnosis along with all the symptoms you have already outlined. The psychiatrist can only work from what is presented to them, and if your husband went along resisting diagnosis, then they would not have had much. Although looking at your husband's behaviour around the birth of your child, it appears the psychiatrist also missed depression, anger and adjustment issues so I am not necessarily overly impressed with their clinical skills.
Both a diagnosis and medication will help, but only if he is willing to see it and be engaged in his own treatment. Otherwise you are going to be flogging away, digging in on a lot of the issues you've already struggled with, as well as the anger on both sides. I would suggest your immediate goals should be working to engage him in awareness with the goal of getting to a point where he is involved as much as you ... and that goal is helping him and the relationship. This takes time, and all help you can get is welcome, but eventually it has to be his responsibility alone. And remember, that if you are right and he does take on meds and everything else, the mess, losing of things, lateness, fines, impulsive comments etc will never go away entirely. These are what failed executive functionality looks like.
Also, no matter what, do things that are not about him. You need to have an external life that isn't all about cleaning, or his needs. As everyone here knows, it is far too easy to spiral into over focusing on the inattention and forgetting to be yourself.
Dear Sollertiae,
Submitted by jellyberries on
Dear Sollertiae,
Truly appreciate your valuable advice. Indeed, I felt constantly being belittled, I was told I'm being upset for nothing and he thinks everything is perfectly normal. That he loves me as much as he did the last time & why should I think there was any difference. I guess I was very confused as well as I struggled to understand his sudden change, control my anger & bitterness. He even told me I should go see a doctor myself & made me felt like I'm the ridiculous one.. Yes, I will work towards trying to get him to focus on small pieces of tasks, being involved as much as I am & hope he can be more aware of his behaviors...I guess there is also a limit to how much I can numb myself when he is being unreasonable... I will also love myself more... *Hugs*..Thank you so much..
Cheers,
Jelly
Hi Jelly....
Submitted by c ur self on
Just read your post (and the many good replies)....It sounds like your husband has add....His behaviors and attitudes are pretty much right in line w/ many of my wife's...Your list of behaviors are quiet typical (Melody's reply) for so many of us....
The real problem isn't so much having tendencies that are difficult (the way our mind works)...The real abuse comes in the denial of the effects on the spouse....What happen's so often w/ the spouse is we try point this stuff out (usually frustrated and angrily like you said you do) but our anxiety only grows when they refuse to accept responsibility and own it....This act, react, merry go round is one you need to get off of now, if at all possible.....
I'm sure you are thinking I would love too...LOL....It takes acceptance....You have to step back and see the reality of what is possible.....Never measure that (what is possible) by what you see in other lives (two normal people who can focus, and share in the day to day work of their relationship....You do not have that, and like many of us, we never will, barring a miracle....
Here are a few things I suggest you think about.....1) It's hard to know what to say when you are hurting and upset, about the reality you have experienced...Your post should be printed out and probably these replies also...It is something you need to hand to your third party, (counselor) because it covers so much about the dynamic of your marriage (very unhealthy, but, not one thing you can do about his life pursuits, and lack there of, when it comes to you and the baby, his responsibilities......2) Many of us, have spent so much time allowing our spouses to dominate our thinking, and our lives, because we refuse to accept they aren't going to do any better, that has to stop, and it only does, when we accept them... 3) You need to work on accepting that you have very little ability to communicate with any person (spouse or not) who refuses to take ownership of their behaviors, and the effects of them...Any time a person justifies, or makes excuses for their actions, (denial) only frustration (and usually angry) is produced in us, when we attempt to inquire about these behaviors...4) After living in the same situation you are in for 11 years now, I've come to realize many things...The reality for this type mind, (closed off to any ability or desire to be accountable) makes them for the most part unfit to be in a marital relationship...Just their struggles alone makes it very difficult for a spouse...Even if they humbly own their behaviors, and work to manage them, (recognize the intrusiveness to their spouse, children, and others) and openly communicate about all things that effect the marriage....
Your comments about him wanting more children, is what is sad....Think about it?? He is so blind (many of our spouses are, we live w/ the same) that can't even see, the suffering he has heaped on you, because of his abandonment of his responsibilities to you and the baby (No care, effort, energy, and time)....He will tell you he cares,....Normal people gladly and happily invest their time and energy into what they care about....That goes for all humans....5) Many of our spouses do care to a degree, but demand concessions, (visible by the life style) which only increases the work for their spouse...While most are easily addicted to time wasters...Porn, Facebook, TV, frivolity, their hobbies and good times....A self absorbed mind that refuses to recognize these things are not only useless in the work of a marriage...But will cause much more work for their spouse than the children...6) You will find yourself picking up behind him (mothering and enabling him)..DON"T....There are very few things we can do to help them see themselves...But this one we can do....You must never allow him to use you, for things that are his responsibility as an adult....Many spouses who in live this type mind, will use you up, without a thought....
So it is really up to you, you can't change him (no more than he can change you) so just keep asking yourself....What is possible?? Once you can back away and accept this reality (like the fly on the wall) you will calm down, and see life for what it happens to be....We don't have to like it...But, it's the only way to get out of the (Change him/ her prison)....
c
Dear C,
Submitted by jellyberries on
Dear C,
Thank you very much for taking the time & effort to share your thoughts. I really appreciate it & I told myself I must put aside time to respond to you. Its been a hectic week alone with the baby & he just returned from his business trip this evening. I was looking forward to his return but the moment he is back, he immediately switched on his PSP to play & did not even bother to make conversation with me. Despite me telling him my wrist injury is back & it has been affecting me at work. He went missing the entire day & did not bother to message me that he is boarding his 6-hour flight. The moment he is back, he became so self-absorbed in his PSP game??
I felt really lousy that I allowed myself to get into a moment of self-pity where I sat behind his back, with him totally engrossed in his PSP game, he did not even realized I was there, for a good 20 minutes or so. I wept as I looked at our wedding photo hanging on the wall, the sunset out the window...that I am just so invisible & unimportant to him...I felt like his shadow..always left behind & chasing after him.. I suddenly recalled that perhaps the earliest sign of him switching off on me was during the wedding photo shoot. It was quite unbelievable that perhaps he developed tunnel vision during the entire time I sat there. He changed his position & sat directly beside me but still did not realize I was there!
In those moments, your words rang in my mind, that I can never expect the normal relationship / husband that I am never going to get. I feel alone, like living in an empty shell, left to take care of my own emotional needs which I try to ignore. Always sending messages to a phone that ignores 90% of what I said.
You said to work on accepting that we have little to no ability to communicate with a person who refuses to take ownership for their behaviors & the effects of them..Then what am I to do? Just accept & let him continue to be like this? Accepting the fate that this is how empty my marriage will be...? I don't know how to love someone like this for the next 40 years of my life.... That is if I make it to the average female life expectancy.. Is giving up a betrayal?....Don't I deserve a happy & fulfilling marriage...?..I really don't know...For my daughter, I can't just leave yet... How do you do it...? How do you take care of your own well-being like this?
Cheers,
Jelly.
Hi Jelly
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Only you can decide whether to stay or leave. In my experience a partner who is indifferent to your pain is not a keeper. I would not stay with a husband who told me I "shouldn't be" in pain after surgery. After I left my ex husband my only regret was that I didn't leave sooner. Hugs ❤
Well being...
Submitted by c ur self on
Someone who posted over the last few days made a really important point... ( Even though we deal with a lot of the same behaviors, In the end, we are all different, and our spouses also)..,,We are at different ages, different maturity levels, And have different needs ( to a degree)...Most all of us wants to experience giving and receiving marital love, in a healthy union...
Reading ur post, I see a wife who’s desire for this level of attention and intimacy is blinding her to the reality of who her husband is... ( The person he justifies being)...,When looking at the full picture of who my spouse is I see all of those things... Her struggles w/ high level add, and just overall fruit of her life.., I have to be able accept who she is..., She has a lot of wonderful traits, but her life is chaotic and always will be... But she loves me and she is faithful...She gets distracted very easily and can hyper focus ( get lost to the big picture of life and all its responsibilities) for long periods... So if I fight that, I end up miserable and angry and that is always destructive to my own personal health and the moments when she and i could connect healthily..,
Also we are both believers in Christ... I am sure we would not be together if we only was looking for what the other is capable of providing when it comes to love...
So my thoughts about well being is, we have to each decide individually what we want out of this life... What makes us feel whole? As for as your husband goes... Apart from his distracted nature ( mind) who is he?.... How do others view him? How does treat his friends and neighbors? Is he honest, is a worker? What are his day to day priorities?How would you regard him if he was a friend?... S
The only hope is to take the bull by the horns in my opinion..,You must calmly insist he receive the message’s about your need for his accountability in all aspects of marriage... He must set his first priorities in this physical life on you and yalls child...You can’t do that alone... But you can do it through professional counseling... The way he deals with a professional bringing his attention to his responsibilities, will make your decisions much easier... It really boils down to who is this person? Are they committed in a way I can’t understand? Are do I even have a spouse?... Many marriages look to the outside world as being intact...,But marriage is not something you have, it’s something two people do..., It’s about effort and energy...Sorry about this spelling and writing ... Doing this on a iphone by the pool (vaction) with glasses that are to weak..,
c
Thank you..
Submitted by jellyberries on
Thank you c for sharing your experience & thoughts..
Indeed I’m trying to separate the person he is from the bad behaviours & attitudes..There are good days where we get by peacefully..There are bad days where I feel my acceptance & tolerance is only endorsing his bad behaviours..Today is a bad day..We had a huge quarrel over his relentless persistence that he wants to buy an aquarium & rear some fishes..He does not help out at home..we have a domestic helper but these are not stable manpower and they may leave anytime..He has a dog which he dumped at his mum’s for years without even going over to walk or bath his dog..Similarly, he abandoned me before..I knew this fish rearing is just a passing craze that he needed it so badly for his hyperfocus or changing hobby whatever crap (sorry I’m just so so upset)...I told him nicely for weeks that I don’t want it, he can’t even take care of himself..or try to work on our marriage..he is always messing up..My nice coaxing words fell on deaf ears..Until I exploded today..It’s awful...I don’t want myself to be upset again but I really reached the end of my tolerance..my limits..He treated me super nice..More than he ever did in our 3 years of marriage in his desperate attempt to win my support..I turned him down again & he revealed his true colours & went crazy...I told him..it’s not worth ruining our improving relationship over fishes..He didn’t get it...he cannot get it until I screamed at his face & told his dad I cannot live with him anymore.....All my efforts to find peace & acceptance are ruined again...This is a never ending vicious cycle.... I’m so tired..exhausted.. I don’t know how long more I can do this...He is now sleeping soundly and doesn’t even give a heck about me..I wish I can just pack & run away with my daughter...sorry for the ranting...
Don't worry about the rants...It's common for hurting people...
Submitted by c ur self on
We've all been there...It's so frustrating...Many minds are manipulative....Your husband sounds like he is one (may not be intentional, but, they learn to cover themselves, for when they quit)....If a spouse who lives in that type mind, can get their spouse to say ok, or buy in to their new hobby, or any other thing that takes responsible living, and daily follow through, they have you right where they want you....Because they know their selves, they know from their past, (just like we know them), that once the new wears off, it will be abandoned, and they will try to make it belong to you....You can stop it...(this dynamic) but, you will have to learn tough love...You will have to learn to not allow him to drag you into a situation, or even a conversation that is isn't respectful.... (like the fish) where you get emotional about something he wants....That's two things....Your negative emotions come about, because you want to control him...(Make him see him self)....When all you had to do was calmly listen to his story about the fish....Then once he stops talking calmly set a boundary, state your position clearly, (Your a grown man, if you want fish, that is up to you, but, be clear, I will never put one dollar, one ounce of time or energy, into the fish...Do you understand that?...Wait for him to answer, YES, before you walk way, then stick to it) and if you need to, write it down and date it....I'm learning all of this the hard way....Years of taking care of cats, I never wanted....Years of having things fall to me, because I just wanted to help, and be supportive....It took a few years (several, still learning) of learning that I must set boundaries, and say no, to the women I love, if I want us to have a chance, for a peaceful life....
Another thing I will add, acceptance isn't about tolerance....Acceptance is about understanding the reality of the mind (the fruit of their daily behaviors) our spouses live in....Until I accepted she would most always try to plan my life, or she would try and ignore her responsibilities, and dump or leave the work for me....I was just self inflicting my own pain....We can't look at them, or deal with them, like someone who want do the things they do...Period....
Step back, and breathe...Accept the difference's....Set boundaries to protect you both....
Blessings friend...
c