To my ADHD spouse:
As I sit here, I wonder why I allowed myself to go so far in our relationship; one that has been entirely unfulfilling for over a decade.
You've shared this link with me and I should be grateful yet, I feel I am the only one who will make the effort to gain anything from it. I have read so many posts on here and felt each one resonates with me. I see "us" in almost every post. Some more than others, of course. It was almost as exhausting to read these posts as it is to communicate with you these days. There hasn't been a good conversation around our home for quite some time. I feel like I am going crazy.
It has become a daunting task to get thru a day lately. I'm sure it's been the same for you, although we don't talk about it. I have spent countless seasons trying to navigate the rocky shores our relationship has become. You know I don't like sharing our personal business with others. Once you put something out there, you can't take it back and I have never wanted friends or family to view you in a negative light. So I stayed silent for your sake and for the sake of our marriage. I tried to talking to you. I tried asking what you needed. I tried making suggestions or recommendations. I tried asking you to talk to someone. Multiple times. I helped you navigate when it wasn't a good fit. Multiple times as well. You weren't on the right meds. And now you feel you are. You do. I don't. But that's not something we can discuss because it turns ugly. Everything we discuss turns ugly. You are more aggressive now, more explosive, more over-reactive. You tort back that you are more clear and are finally fighting back. There's nothing to fight back on. It was a conversation that unfortunately turned into something more. Everything begins as a conversation and spirals at the speed of light.
I can't imagine what goes on in your head and I truly feel for you. I'm sorry I have said you are acting childish but what else do you call it when a grown adult throws a temper tantrum because they don't like what someone says. I'm sorry that I have said I'm tired of managing you but what else do you call it when you own entirely everything associated with running a household plus managing a job or school or any combination of those things. Managing has become my full time gig - managing you and the house. Trying new and improved ways to do things. To address things. I've made a list of all household responsibilities and asked you to pick from that. Pick only what you feel you can do thoroughly and consistently and I will own the rest. I will own the rest. Nothing. The things you have been able to stay consistent with are the things you did for yourself long before we married. We talk about this. At great lengths. And then we fight about it. And it turns ugly. And we go days on end stressed, frustrated, angry, sad and exhausted. Exhausted.
I have read up on ADHD to try to better understand where you are coming from. I have tried talking to you differently as to not lose your focus. I have recommended doing things before work as opposed to after as you seem lost at the end of the day. I have asked countless times for you to shut the television off as it has become the biggest time suck in our home. Well, actually, fighting trumps that nowadays. I have tried lists, shared calendars, bought you a notebook, a planner, a planner with a place for notes... You tell me what's been recommended in therapy. But nothing is done. No action is taken. No advice is heeded. We have discussed couples counseling and my greatest concern is that I would end up managing that too. As it stands, you aren't taking action from your own appointments. I thought it unfair for me to have to go to my own sessions and ours while you just show up to yours and seemingly do nothing in between visits.
I am sorry that we have bottomed out time and time again in our lives. I am sorry that we have said the meanest of mean things to each other. Sadly, they don't even seem to hurt anymore. I'm numb and I imagine you are as well. There is no emotion. No response to sadness. Just flat affect time and time again.
I have had to walk away from both a career and years of education towards a career change because I chose to focus my efforts on us. Every decision made in our life was made together and then from that moment on, you pull a Houdini. "Yes, take that promotion - I'll step up and do more" or "Yes, that's a great career change and will be stressful but I'll step up and do more" and then POOF! The great disappearing act. Which has left me, time and time again, holding the bag on additional stress outside the home with no additional support at home, which ultimately leads to additional stress at home...and there we have it, folks. Everything is a cycle. And where has that led to? My demise. Shame on me for having continued faith in your repeated promises to make effort. You actually need to make effort in order to see change. I don't think you are selfish. I think you are unaware. And I know you want to try, but I'm not seeing effort. And that's what pains me the most. No matter what I say, nothing changes.
I share with you how I am feeling and the response to anything and everything I say is, "I'm sorry that you (parrot back what I said)" and the conversation on your behalf has ended. So there is no conversation. And when there is conversation, it turns ugly and we spiral. We are stuck in a vicious cycle that I truly don't think we can break.
The words that come to mind these days when I think about our relationship: Sadness. Frustration. Hurt. Neglect. Abandonment. Empty. Exhausted. Anger. A whole lot of anger. Do you think I want to be this angry? The funny part is that is the only one you seem to touch on. "You are always so angry!" Yes, I am. And I am also sad, frustrated and hurt. I also feel neglected and abandoned and exhausted. And I have shared ALL of those things with you because I don't expect you to see them or feel them. Even when I tell you, you just can't seem to comprehend it. I am exhausted because I have been putting every ounce of energy I have had into this relationship and the outcome hasn't changed a bit.
The majority of advice on here leans towards the non-spouse having to take the reins in order to make things work. And I have tried that for quite some time. I could say I didn't sign up for this when we got married but to marry is to acknowledge there will be many uncertainties you will have to navigate thru. Marriage is a partnership. It's together-ness. However, I can say with certainty I didn't marry to end up navigating thru life alone. Or to be the Captain. Not to be the Captain every moment of every day. And that is how I feel. In charge. And alone.
I feel that we left the shore together and I am drowning. And you are just sitting, safe and dry on the boat, having a drink, enjoying the view, holding the life preserver, telling me that you really want to throw it to me. You wish you could. You really do. And I truly believe you do. I truly do. However, intentional or unintentional, I am still drowning.
I managed to keep my head above water in order to share my thoughts. Based on this site, at least I know I am not crazy. Alone perhaps... but not crazy.
You are not alone
Submitted by onedayatatime2468 on
I feel the pain you hold. You are not alone. If there is one thing I have learned from researching adult adhd and marriage is that I thought my experience was isolated I felt crazy I still feel crazy for getting this far into the relationship myself. I hope you have the strength to do what you feel is best for you and your truths. Looking to books and groups I still have found the bottom line is the non-adhd partner had to be accepting and I yell I my head that’s the answer just be ok with a marriage that is not a partnership sacrifice myself and my needs so my ahdhd partner is accepted. I often question if adhd partner should be in long term relationships only being able to hyperfocus on one thing at a time when in my mind focusing on everything is part of the definition on a relationship. I apologize if I did not contribute hope. But know again you are not alone.
Hi SOS.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I think if you were my wife, and wrote me this letter....I would realize that my existence has only persecuted you, so I would love you enough to change, or to leave for good....SOS, when you start ignoring any thing related to his responsibilites as a man, you will get your life back....Based on this post, all you have done is the same thing I did for years....I made an invalid out of someone who couldn't and wouldn't meet my standards for life....
Turn your focus on yourself, your need for healthy thinking, feelings and behaviors, and stop allowing his life style to dominate your thoughts......Boundaries are vital for you both...He worked to survive and manage his life, before you meet...If you split up, he will have to mange his life, and work to survive...So don't get in his way (enable and mother) or make it where he don't have to manage his life and work to survive in the marriage....Stop helping...It's only destructive!!
c
This is my life. 2 years ago
Submitted by daizzebelle on
This is my life. 2 years ago I took a higher paying job. It meant working 50 hours a week. He said he would step up and do more. I asked him to have dinner on the table when I got home from work. I tried to make it as simple as possible for him. I ordered the groceries online and paid for them. All he had to do was drive to the grocery store after work and call the phone number on the sign in the parking lot, and they would bring out the groceries. I wrote out a meal plan on the whiteboard next to the stove so he would know what to cook. I printed out the recipes and put the recipes on the recipe holder. He decided to go home and lie down for a few minutes instead of going straight to the store. He got to the store too late and couldn't pick up the groceries. Since no one came they put the groceries back on the shelves. I ordered the groceries again. He got there in time but didn't bring all of the groceries inside the house and lots of cold things spoiled in the heat. So I had everything delivered to the front door. He started cooking. He called me 5 times because he either couldn't find spices or he couldn't find any pans or he didn't know what to do even though the recipe had step by step instructions. I gave up on this plan. I used my weekends to prep meals and freeze them. All he had to do was take the meal out of the freezer and put it in the Instant Pot. He did this but did not turn the Instant Pot on. So dinner was still frozen when I got home from work. I gave up and bought tv dinners that I cooked myself when I got home from work.
I could go on for another 200 pages about the exhaustion and exasperation.
I have decided to leave him. I hate it but I don't see any way forward for us.
We took Melissa's seminar. I got a lot out of it. He fell asleep a few minutes into every session. I did the homework. I encouraged him to do the homework. He did not do it. I encouraged h to listen to the recordings of the sessions he missed. He didn't. He missed the last 2 sessions all together but did not listen to the recordings.
He saw a very expensive coach to help him with his executive functioning issues. He seemed to have a breakthrough and seemed to start taking responsibility for his life. But then he "got bored" (his words) and decided not to do the work.
I am giving up. I am heartbroken. I love him very much. I am exhausted and angry. I have to leave him so I can save what little sanity I have left.SOS is also Loneliness
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
SOS, you have been relegated to the 'support team' for your wife. Your place is to keep the bills paid and manage fallout from any 'incident' that may come along. You may rarely hear 'intentions' to do something differently to improve things but there is likely no (or quickly dissipating) actual change in behavior. You may have read two dozen books on adult ADHD, attended seminars, and participated in therapy of various kinds over the years but all degrades back into the same wearisome track. All the advice boils down to: the ADHD person must take active and continuing steps to accept they have ADHD, acknowledge their symptoms have serious negative effects on their loved ones, and they must pursue continuing medical and behavioral treatments to attempt to manage their condition. Without this 'buy-in' nothing the ADHD person can do will have lasting impact on their behavior. Nothing.
You are not alone. Your post
Submitted by VSwzky on
You are not alone. Your post made me feel like I am not alone. I'm not the only one sinking. I'm not crazy.
We aren’t crazy...
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
We are overwhelmed, exhausted, exasperated and a whole litany of other things. But we are not alone. And we are not crazy. I’m glad my post at least helped you in that sense. It was a reset for me although I didn’t know it at the time. My spouse read this as well. And because the words weren’t flowing during a time of crisis, it was received in a different manner. And things are starting to change. I will take it. I will definitely take it.