I have been with my husband for 17 years married for 15 yrs. He had an affair 2014, we reconciled and moved to make afresh start. Our son (14 yes) was confirmed ADHD just a few short months ago
Our marriage has been up and down our arguments the same pattern.
My husband started another affair just a couple of months ago. He said he'd had enough of the marriage and the constant arguments.
I came across the article about ADD and marriage. It was as if the article had been written while in my home. Everything was down to a tee. I sent it to my husband. He doesn't think he has it. I brought the book and ended up reading it In one day.
It gave me hope that there was a chance to save this relationship. My husband said he doesn't think that with all the negative things that have happened that he can't see himself with me.
I asked him to stop seeing this other person so that we maybe able to work on our issues. He wants to live a life of seeing other women.
Is this type of behavior apart of the ADD. Or not.
I do not have the comfort of a family even his, as they believe that even if he has ADD it doesn't mean to say that the marriage is broken because of the pattern.
He said he will read the book and also go to see a counselor that we both went to see. It wasn't a good meeting. He sends mixed messages I said he is the love of my life,which he reciprocated the counselor asked him to stop because of how it was upsetting me. And that's when she said about the mixed messages. She even asked if he would consider not seeing this other person until we had dealt with our situation. That I was still his partner and it was hurting me. He said he didn't think so.
We didn't speak for 3 days (he is staying elsewhere) he dropped off our son and asked to talk. He can't see use working if we got back together to much hurt. However he did say he would read the book and see the counselor.
He has also seen the pattern at work.
What can I do I am still in love with him. But I hurt so much, it feels like dropping out of a race just as you get to the finish line. All the steps are there to rebuild our relationship.
He went away this weekend he told our son with a friend that means a female. Its hard
Should I hold back and see what happens with the counselor and the book. Or should I just walk away. I told him that if there was no reconciliation then I will not be interested in any type of communication, apart from the practical things that can be done via texts. It will hurt to much for me to see him.
Help please, suggestions,ideas, words of advice
Lost - need to find yourself first
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, Andie,
Please keep in mind no one knows your situation. Getting advice from strangers is not particularly good. Also keep in mind that you are under tremendous stress and may not be in a position to make good decisions. Take baby steps and be kind to yourself. You ask many questions, and I will do my best to answer from my perspective. My husband has ADD, and he has struggled much of his life with many addictions. I think there is a link, and there are books about ADD and addictions.
Nothing will change in your marriage if you and your husband are not each committed to make things different. Right now you are saying your husband is expressing a clear unwillingness to change. You can't make him change. You can change yourself. It will be a long hard process. You can do it. Many people do it. First, you need to be realistic and work hard to stay in reality.
For my part, I was a doormat. I was so easily manipulated. I had no boundaries. When I found my husband was cheating on me, he made promises, he begged for forgiveness, and he kept cheating, being more careful to hide his tracks. Back then, I had unrealistic hope, and I kept hoping and waiting for him to change. When I gave up and decided to divorce, then I worked on myself very seriously. I learned how to stop being manipulated. I learned how to feel that I had rights and boundaries, no exceptions, no negotiating, that was it, take it or leave it. This became right and comfortable. I can't begin to tell you how much better my life became when I became strong emotionally. I suggest you be realistic. Your marriage may fail, your husband may never be the person you wish him to be. You can keep hoping and trying, but focus on yourself. What do you need? What can you make happen? And what you need can't be for your husband to do some particular thing. I suggest you focus on things that are in your control to make happen. Find support. This can include personal counseling, support groups, good friends. Keep at it; this is for you.
Over the years we wasted a lot of money on counseling, separately and together. My husband is a very good liar. He convinced experienced professionals that I was the problem. He agreed to do things, then made excuses when he did not do them. When my husband decided to change, he knew most of the things he should do to have a good marriage. He listens when I ask him to make other changes. Of course we have bad moments, and we argue. Now he always apologizes and tries to do what will make me happy. It is reciprocal.
When I met my husband, I felt there was a unique connection between us, and he was absolutely the right person for me. I still feel that way, but we have been through many difficult years. It has taken us a lot of work to move past those. Now he wants a good marriage, and he is trying, which he did not do in the past. I often think he is mentally ill, and there is no changing it. Now, though, I matter to him. I am finally getting the love from him I always wanted. He is smart and funny, and we have good times together. We still have disagreements, and we are better at getting past them. There is no more bullying or manipulation on his part, and it is nice.
Maybe you should think about what your husband gets from the relationship with you. I feel there was a point at which my husband stayed for the 'benefits' even though we were both miserable. When he thought I would leave him, he agreed to read books, go to counseling, quit whatever things he was doing that harmed our marriage, and he did not follow through. He was always doing the minimum he thought it would take to stay married. I thought I was in love with him. I was really in love with the person I foolishly thought he was when I was young and easily manipulated. I kept seeing the good person I thought he could be. After commitment and hard work, he is that person, although still flawed. I have my flaws too. We both want a good marriage, though, and we are happy together.
It may or may not happen that way for you. All I can say is examine yourself, work on yourself, develop healthy boundaries to protect you and your son. Do whatever you can to stay in reality, no wishful thinking. From what you wrote, I don't think any of the steps are there to rebuild your relationship. Your husband has doubts. He is cheating on you. He is lying to you. He is sending mixed messages in counseling. What part of this is ok or hopeful? I say stop accepting the unacceptable. It will take time for you to change enough to accomplish this in a good way. You have to change your part of the interaction, of the dance. I am trying not to give advice, but I am giving it anyway. I wish you all the best.
Angie
Lost
Submitted by Andie on
Angie
Thank you for your feed back. I know I have to start the process of looking after myself.. After today and with my own compounded emotions, I am going to have to break the cycle I am in. I have a meeting with a counselor for myself, so this week will be my time to start working on me. And with my son to build a stronger foundation moving into the future.
Again Thank you, very much appreciated.
Andie
Jot down a few notes before your counseling session
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I suggest writing down a few bullet points of what you are concerned about and want to work on before you walk into the therapist's office. I often found that if I did not prepare a brief 'agenda' for the meeting I could get easily sidetracked by emotional divergence and I'd wind up not covering what I'd hoped.