I came across the book, and likewise this site after walking away, yet again, in a flurry of frustration with my husband. I am desperate to make us good again. I miss us!
He doesn't even have an official diagnosis yet, we've met with our Dr and have an appointment for an eval by a psych, however, after reading the book and clicking through these forums, and my experience with my 8 year old with ADHD, there I no question in my mind.
It was brought to my attention to explore the option when, due to distraction, he made a mistake that could have taken the life of my 3 year. I thank God every day that it all turned out okay, but now I can't shake it and everything he forgets, loses, etc sends me straight over the edge!
I need all of your best tips for getting to, and through to a level, good spot, because i know it will take time after his appointment and i absolutely do not like the person i have become with my husband, but I'm also just so so exhausted of being the "caretaker" as well!
Acceptance of reality LaceyLou....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I am desperate to make us good again)....
Look at this statement you've made here....Do you not realize there are many many wonderful human beings all over this globe....That will never ever be able (mental capacity) to care for children or spouses, in any kind of healthy consistent manner?....My spouse takes adderall, it's obvious it helps her focus at work so she can keep her job....But, taking speed has some nasty side effects that she must deal with ...And her meds have never helped her own any of her behaviors..It's never helped her not ask me several times a day to call her phone...Or help her look for something among her clutter and piles...It's never helped w/ memory, it's never helped w/ victim thinking, excuses, blame, or denial... Or any other activity that responsible adults should be able to do with normal effort and ownership....
Yes, there are many men and women who will never have the capacity to give what you might call...Normal effort, energy and awareness at a level that matches your expectations....I suggest you swap your desperation for Acceptance of the reality standing in front of you....And set boundaries to make your life as peaceful and workable as possible...To start taking on more work, having more babies, making our lives burdened down w/ to do's to do's to do's...Knowing the limitatiions of what we are going to get from our spouses...Say's a lot about our own denial......I call it self inflicted suffering when I do this stuff....
You're the only one who can care for you....You're the only one who can help you accept the reality of your spouse's mind and day to day living....It's who they are....We don't have to like it, but, for sanity sake, we better learn to wisely accept it, if we stay....
Blessings
c
I thank you for your reply,
Submitted by LaceyLou on
I thank you for your reply, though it wasn't entirely helpful. The issue being that it felt as though you were suggesting I give up my own mental health in acceptance of his. If that was the case it would mean divorce but I'd still be stressed every time my 3 children were with him because of past issues directly involving their safety while he was alone with them.
I do believe we both can come back to a better place together, and maintain our family for our children with work from both of us, it will be a learning process for sure.
LaceyLou,
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
LaceyLou,
I don't think C was asking you to "give up your own mental health" in acceptance of your husbands. Rather, he is saying that your choice is to either accept your husband and make things a little easier, or not accept and struggle more. He was spot on when he mentioned having Boundaries, Setting and sticking to them. Hard to do, well worth it to keep your sanity.
My apologies, I guess I
Submitted by LaceyLou on
My apologies, I guess I assumed that by me being willing to do the work and help him get to a good place via medication and therapies it would be obvious that I have accepted him. Heck, I accepted him many years ago when I said I do. What I cannot accept is having a near fatal incident with my child and continual loss of trust that is happening without any meds/therapy. He is willing to do that as am I. Also, I 've seen and know a more level side of him so I know what he is capable of. My request was for maybe kind words of advice until we find that good place as I received in the next comment, not the "deal with it" tone I perceived from this one. Also, I'm clearly in a really tough place with this right now, so possibly defensive, and takin it differently than intended. Not every one communicates in the same way. That very well may be the case here, and make it so that C is not a great help for me personally, and that's okay!
No apologies necessary! Believe me I understand completely!
Submitted by c ur self on
When we see something that really needs to happen/change to create a healthy and safe environment for our families...We press for it....We have our lives invested, we have the lives of our children to consider....I understand....
It's just that no matter how BAD, i want to be part of a marriage relationship, where TWO people are fully committed, fully invested, and live aware and takes ownership of their actions.. ....I can only do that for one of the two...So if long periods of time keeps passing, and I'm becoming an emotional basket case (talking about my past here) which I have, pressing and pushing for change, with nothing lasting ever showing up....I must ask myself at some point....C ur self,what has happened to your quality of life?....All self inflicted because I was refusing to accept the reality of my wife's life.....She would be that way, if I didn't even exist....
I understand you telling him that dangerous situations are not going to be acceptable....Tough love is OK....But, at some point, you may have to step back, and ask yourself is it preventable, with the mind he lives in? Is he as concerned (showing it) about danger as he should be, as it relates to his behaviors? Or does he discard it, (make it your issues and your fears) and justify his life style?
I just finally realized after several years of dealing w/ my own mind being consumed with her justification, and lack of concern...It was me that had to change....It was me that had to set boundaries, (no matter if I didn't like them) in order to teach her, and force accountability in certain area's of life.....
I know what you want....I know what you expect....
I will pray for you...
c
Your prayers are very
Submitted by LaceyLou on
Your prayers are very appreciated. Luckily he is aware and remorseful of the dire mistakes he has made. He carries a lot of guilt because of them, which hopefully can be worked through with therapy. I say luckily because that means he understands the depth of the consequence of not seeking treatment. I also believe that it will be a great motivator in finding his "sweet spot". That's what we called it while figuring out meds with my 8 year old. Just enough to feel good about the new ability to focus and all that comes with it, but not so much it changes who you are. I know he will never be as organized and focused, etc as me and my non ADHD brain, thats okay. Once we find that sweet spot we will also find our new normal and run with it.
He left your child in a hot car?
Submitted by sickandtired on
You said he forgot your 3 year old was left in the car for 3 hours. I’m curious how he realized your child was there? Did he remember on his own? I’m sorry, but that could have led to your child’s death, and you CANNOT EVER trust him with a child. You are betting your kid’s life on him remembering. You need to prioritize: which is more important, your relationship, your spouse’s happiness, or the LIFE of your CHILD?????? You can’t wait or hope for therapy and drugs to help him. You MUST protect your children even if it means leaving him.
I agree.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I've got to say I agree with sickandtired. Until he proves he is trustworthy and responsible, you cannot trust him alone with the children. Boundaries. This also goes along with what C said about accepting that your husband may not change, as him changing his behavior is not within your realm of control. I cannot imagine the stress you are under.
It's so hard
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Lacey and welcome. Many of us understand exactly how you feel. It is absolutely exhausting to be the non-ADHD partner no matter how hard you try to lovingly detach and set boundaries... especially with children involved as the non-ADHD partner typically ends up doing most or all of the parenting. I don't know that I have great advice for you in your interim period here other than to do only what must be done and try to let the rest go. You may already be doing that. For me, I hired a housekeeping service every two weeks. It is difficult to afford, but worth it as it has lightened my load and helped me not be so angry and resentful all of the time. I also stopped doing his laundry. I do mine, our daughter's and the household towels/linens. He can certainly do his own (it stays in a heap at best... dirty mixed with clean, etc... I just accept that and am glad I no longer have the job). I no longer participate in his daily rampages around the house to find his missing keys/wallet/phone/glasses. Basically if there is something you can reasonably let go of, it may benefit your mental health to do so! There is so much I can't let go and childcare is one of those things. Distraction is a definite danger, as you mentioned. And even in smaller ways, it means that my ADHD husband is an unfit parent. If I go out for half a day, it is an absolute guarantee that I will come home and he will not have offered anything to our daughter to eat, nor will he have interacted with her at all. It makes it hard to let my guard down. I tell myself that if I were a single mom, I would have to do it all (though I wouldn't have someone making it harder as he often does), so I just accept that.
You don't say in your post how willing your husband is to see the issues and address them, but if he is on board for the evaluation you mentioned, perhaps your future will be a little brighter. No doubt medication, coaching and behavioral strategies could make your partnership more balanced. If he manages it well, it could also set an amazing example for your 8 year old! I will say I have tried very hard to get my husband to see how his symptoms affect those around him. He can't/won't see it. While I agree that non-ADHD partners can make changes to manage expectations, set boundaries and make life a little easier on ourselves, real change has to start with the ADHD partner. If they are unwilling, not much is likely to improve. It is a hard place to be.
At the very least, know that there are lots of us out there who "get" it. The "non" struggle seems invisible sometimes and it has been helpful to me to find this forum of people who instantly understand.
Thank you so very much for
Submitted by LaceyLou on
Thank you so very much for your reply. More than anything it just feels great to be validated in my feelings and exhaustion. I'm a stay-at-home mom of three boys, ages 8, 5, and 3. The oldest of which has ADHD that has been well managed with medication, and the youngest is non-verbal. So to add the feeling of mothering the man who I imagined to be my teammate in this has been increasingly more difficult. Especially because the magnitude of the things he is forgetting is growing. In the past 6 months he lost his wedding ring and didn't tell me, then more recently forgot our 3 year old in the car... for 3 hours which very well could have turned out so much worse than it did given the summer heat, thanks heavens it didnt.
I am so grateful that he is open to treatments, both medication and through therapies. Now I just need to really take a step back and a big deep breath, lower my expectations and prepare myself for the journey to find a good place for us both! Thank you thank you again. Your understanding has brought me back down to where I just might be able to hold on long enough to get there!
That's scary
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am so very sorry for what you went through, Lacey. I can't imagine how traumatized you must be from your husband leaving your child in the car. I don't know how I would ever get back to a place where I could trust my husband with the kids after that. No wonder you are at the end of your rope. You have a heavy load to manage with three kids at high-maintenance ages along with this ADHD stress. Hang on and thank goodness your husband is receptive to treatment. Thinking of you.
Panic
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I would also throw in that as it sounds like you have significant trauma (absolutely understandable) from what nearly happened to your three year old. Perhaps seek out assistance with that for your own sake? It is necessary for you to be wary of leaving him in charge until he can show he has the tools to do so, but panic becomes unhelpful if forgetfulness triggers a panic response, even when there is nothing happening. I've been there in a different scenario (partner held at gun point, nearly died) and despite being protective of him, the panic reaction whenever he vanished came across as insane and smothering, making him worse. I eventually realised it wasn't helping, and more importantly the anxiety was making me unwell because it was eating my existence.
Yes, this! I feel like I'm
Submitted by LaceyLou on
Yes, this! I feel like I'm caught in between a rock and a hard place. On one hand be really is a truly great, amazing, fun, supportive dad that deserves to be trusted. On the other hand he has lost, and forgotten my children more than once, luckily without lasting consequence aside from losing my trust. It's almost impossible to rebuild that trust without allowing him opportunity to prove himself (not to mention give myself the occasional well deserved break) but being a mom it is my first and foremost priority to protect my children.
I do fully intend on seeking individual therapy once we see someone together so we are both on the same page with our goals for what we want to achieve there.
Thanks for your reply, it feels really good to have a safe and understanding forum to process my thoughts and get some insight.
Ah, trust. That bugbear..
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Absolutely the most difficult thing, working out how to trust again for any reason. For some it is a deal breaker, so I admire you for having the courage to even try. Certainly, for both your sakes should be done in a very gentle manner over a period of time so you don't end up panicking and sending him into a spiral of overwhelm by grabbing back control, and he doesn't end up making it worse for you by castigating himself into avoidance behaviour from any error. Does he know how much him forgetting triggers you and it is not simply you trying to manage him? And I mean the full extent, that the trauma pops up in everyday life even when the children aren't involved and makes it hard for you to let go of any control? Because I think that is an insight he should have, as should whoever you see together. Then they know that as a priority some support for memory aids is going to be necessary, as well as helping him not end up so pressured from when he is not in the 'sweet spot' and is struggling with shame/fear of failing. From your other replies, it does seem he understands the importance of being able to manage his symptoms enough so he can start to demonstrate that he is deserving of that trust, but it is worthwhile remembering that even with all his effort, things will take time though for him to control and manage his own side of things, with decades more issues to sort through. You definitely want to factor that into your goal planning when together, because he won't be able to, and I bet you anything is going to be driven to change asfastashumanlypossible because of guilt. Which is... not sustainable and is likely to explode in everyone's face.
I do fully intend on seeking individual therapy once we see someone together so we are both on the same page with our goals for what we want to achieve there.
Good, because you need all the support you can get, and no one should have to deal with that type of anxiety. It is a type of well deserved break, in a strange sort of way.
I think you have good insight, sometimes there just needs to a bit of space to get the perspective to remember that. I know very well how hard it can be to erect a wall to tone down the ADHD INTENSITY for five minutes to simply sit and go 'oh yes.' :)
I understand why you are so
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I understand why you are so distressed. Do you have a therapist or a wise and compassionate friend or family member to whom you can talk about the situation?