Submitted by un12720 on 09/17/2019.
H is 67 years old and has untreated ADHD. He has had a successful career and has recently retired.
In my opinion, he does not sleep well; there is a TV in his room, so when he awakens, the TV immediately is turned on, no matter the time.
H is very agitated in the morning and becomes angry over insignificant things and basically goes on a screaming, profane rampage. BTW! This is NOT new behavior.
Would appreciate others' input.
Seen it all before....
Submitted by RalphMarx on
Understand what you are going through....my wife is also in her 60's and has untreated ADD. As I understand from reading and observing (though not an expert); this lack of dopamine in their brains is a driving force for some form of stimulation especially in the mornings. Picking a fight to create angry outbursts is a surefire boost for getting everyone's adrenaline pumping. I do everything that I can to avoid my wife in the morning especially in a confined space of a kitchen where I become the sole focus. She is going to pick a fight one way or another, guaranteed. I've had my wife this last Christmas Eve go so far as to punch me in the face with a closed fist after smashing my breakfast in the sink. This is 0715 in the morning and I probably hadn't said 2 sentences other than "Good morning." She believes that her behavior is justified.....It isn't going to change....I don't think that the habits of your H are going to either. They are so normalized to this behaviour......
The question is what can you do to prevent being the target....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your husband sounds like he is unfulfilled....That (like my wife's) probably came about from his own choosing, and choices ....But none the less the misery still exists....And misery loves company, even if they have to force it....
There is just so much about add/adhd, along w/ other brain issues, that lends itself to this type behavior...But the biggest problem is and always will be **A person's refusal to recognize it, and not excuse it**...So that is way boundaries exist, to protect one person, from being subjected to another person who can't help/ or, refuses to discipline them selves, to not be intrusive/abusive...
I deal with in a few ways....One, I try to stay aware, and not totally relax in mind, like it's not a real possibility, just because we are having some good (peaceful) days...Two, I schedule things in those high probability times (have my coffee & breakfast on the deck (or another room) in nice weather, coffee shop visits alone or w/ other friends, bike rides, walks, grocery store shopping trips, gym visits, visiting family, etc, etc,) Three, If I find myself being verbally bombarded out of the blue, how I react is crucial....If I refuse to say a word in the moment, if I just go about removing myself from her presents, then the relationship wins...Because she is forced to face her actions, and has no one to blame....But, if I react verbally, by trying to point it out, or demand she see herself, that is fools gold (with my wife), because of denial, she will always justify her actions....
So my advice to you is, set boundaries on yourself to not react to his actions/behaviors (don't make yourself part of it)....In my opinion conflict is always internal....It pours out of us in words and actions, but, if it finds no where to land, (the target walks away, and refuses to be the target) it returns to the source eventually...The moment I respond to disrespect...I lose.....
c
Extra info?
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Can you give a bit more of an idea of his sleep patterns? Is he waking up a lot throughout the night, or simply finding it hard to initiate sleep in the first place? C is right about the lack of stimulation in the morning, but to me it also sounds like the agitation, frustration and anger in the morning is due to exhaustion from the lack of sleep and frustrated by it (lack of sleep in ADHD maximizes symptoms). This might mean the sleep issues are worse than they seem from a distance.
Outside of that though, I can't work out if the tv watching is his way of distracting himself from his brain in order 'switch off his mind' or simply because he is bored when he can't sleep and it is in easy reach even if the worst choice. My partner (untreated) has terrible trouble initiating sleep and maintaining it, and the more tired he gets, the more his brain starts to ping pong and make him unable to 'drift off.' So he often plays a podcast or listens to a long youtube clip to give his brain a chewtoy. But he only does that now after realising that watching them was a bad idea because of the blue light. I use earplugs, given I don't have this issue and do not like dreaming of CNN.
Conversely, when he does sleep and maintain it, it is almost impossible to wake him .. and then he wakes up like a furious bear if it is too sudden.
Help!!
Submitted by LGeorge on
Wow, what a coincidence this morning was another one of those raging moments for my fella . I love him and took initiative toeducate myself on his ADHD. However I'm not the person to know what to say, what to do or to defuse these situations. I try to nonchalantly removing myself from the rage/anger he finds me and picks at me. I stay quiet I get in trouble, I say something it's wrong. He's a lovely soul who is out of control. Thank you for your posts it helps to know I'm not alone. I continue to do my best without the proper help I'm without the tools besides don't say anything.
He is following? Good god, he
Submitted by Sollertiae on
He is following? Good god, he is an idiot, taking out his frustration on you and not something inanimate.
There is actually a lot of research on this - morning anger is common, some strategies. All of which depend on how he is with you. While the chances are that there is some serious sleep deficit issue going on - whether he isn't sleeping at all, is getting disruptions in his sleep, has sleep apnea or some combination of the above. You say you don't have the options to solve the underlying issues, and it may be impossible to get him to keep sleep hygeine so... some things you can do to preserve yourself:
Goodluck. I find my partner without an EMERGENCY GET UP NOW THE COPS ARE HERE takes about 2 hours to wake up to anywhere near coherence, and that does not include bathing. Anything that is not me cuddling him, doing my own crap, and coming back to spend time together (meaning he needs to at least start talking), and providing liquid... ends in angry foot stomping chaos.
Helpful Tips
Submitted by LGeorge on
Thank you some extra helpful tips :).
First, I'm a National level athlete and my days are full of work, training, practice and preparing for success. Each day starts at 3 or 4 am even on the weekends. I have plenty to do to escape and to stay out of his way. Unfortunately, I need a place to settle down, to be a safe haven and to stop and shower, eat and whatever. I understand we have to "walk away, get a way, and give them space. I even have a "Leann Room". I had to hide in a closet one morning before work just so he would leave. Sadly i saw a spider in there and now that is not an option, lol. My problem here is I need to rest when I can, I need to let my guard down, and be raw to rejuvenate and fill my tank. Life isn't fair and I am almost 50 I understand but I am not okay with him always getting the safe haven at home. Ok, that complaint is over.
After your response. I have decided to start journaling MY EXPERIENCE. He will never see it my way, always say it is me or someone else. SO this is a journal for me to maybe pinpoint some patterns, behaviors and how they got worse or better. One thing you mentioned is the cuddling piece. We usually snuggle for 10 min in evening and 10 before i get up at 3. I have a new job and am in my competition season I stopped the morning cuddle due to time. Monday morning I started snuggling before I get up. It seems to put him in a better mood and one morning I didnt and he was off. That is an easy thing. It doesn't last long however it is some good peace. I believe his brain is not stimulated properly, I am trying to casually inquire what he needs and his sleep is odd, he seems to sleep a lot. I encourage things that make him feel good about himself and productivity level. I don't rely on him in anyway for my to do list. SO what he doesn't do doesn't effect me. He is diabetic and eats AWFUL all though he tells me he doesn't. Being an athlete he feels I am judging. I only ask him to make decisions for longevity and quality of life. I don't nag but that much sugar is bad for all of us and I believe he is self medicating for the ADHD. I also, don't think he is on the correct medication. Again, I don't nag i try to casually bring it up. He can dish this type of stuff but gets his drawers all wound up when I kindly bring it up! I still do because I care. I do believe 100% the diet is causing issues as well.
I have also reached out to an organization that helps find resources. I have tried to find help with ADD/ADHD component to get some tools on how to make this work. He is more than willing, for this i am blessed. I am truly at a point that I am just better off never speaking. This was also something i tested last week. The more i kept my mouth shut even during "his" casual conversation he was fine, if I try to share a story he steals it, runs with it and I NEVER get to finish or even get 3 sentences out. IF i ask for it back I am really over it just trying to make him aware but that is truly a fight waiting to happen. So I sit quietly and he is happy. Not going to work regardless of how much I want to be with him, I love him or I understand his challenges.
He is a great soul underneath his challenges, caring and there is kindness in there. This forum and knowing I am not alone is like a hug for me. I also have to keep myself healthy.
LGeorge