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As long as he knows you will be there to bail him out, he doesn't have the incentive to do better. He has no accountability. The current arrangement is working for him, so why should he change? If you keep going as you have, you will end up broke, burned out and resentful of him. If you get married and have children, you will be doing all the work, plus have a child to take care of...and what if that child has ADHD? Separate bank accounts are a good idea, so that he does not have full access to all of your money. That way, he will only be able to spend what is in his account, and when its gone...its gone.
We teach others how to treat us, and the only person you can change is yourself.
This sounds harsh, but true. Tried to change my ex husband, didn't work....
If you want something different, you have to do something different. I suggest you start with "no'. No, I won't fix your car, you received insurance money for that. No, I won't support a grown ass man who wastes money on childish things. No, I will not give you money, go out and get a job. No, you cannot live here unless you contribute, maybe not 50/50 but something to the household. He has shown you who he is. Do not expect, as you did when he got his insurance settlement, that he is part of your team. He is a team of one and he will keep manipulating you as long as you let him. If you want the relationship to work you need boundaries. Would you accept this freeloading behavior from anyone else? You may want to rethink getting married to him until he can take responsibility for his own finances otherwise you already know where you will be a decade from now.
You've made a bad choice!...You are in love with an irresponsible and thoughtless human....WE ARE ALWAYS OUR ACTIONS!
And besides...If you had good girl friend, who confided in you, this story that is your life.....(Saw her insecurites was causing her to be abused by a lazy and inconsidrate man)...What would you tell her??
Life is to short to be used, and to associate, with thoughtless lazy excuse makers??
It's up to you, the ladies that replied to your post here....Told you truly what is happening to you!...But you have got to wake up, and care about yourself.....Read here for a while, You will find your same story over and over again....Men and women, who refuse to grow up, and be responsible....Who latch on to caring working men and women like a leach....So they can us them, and be carried in life...So they can play and play!
And dump gilt trips (excuse after excuse, poor poor me) on them, for as long as they keep them blind, and manipulate them.....
I know you probably see the best in your fiancee. He may be a good person with good intentions, but the bottom line is that he is not pulling his own weight in the relationship financially. If possible, what about telling him the wedding is on hold until he gets a job and gets his spending under control, too? It sounds like you live together... if so and if possible, maybe you could also move out so that he has to be responsible for his own bills (or the consequence of not paying them). It hurts to hear, but as long as you are paying his way in life, he doesn't have to. It's easy to tell you to "stop being so uptight and enjoy life" when he's playing with LEGO and you're going to work. He may not intentionally be taking advantage of you, but he is doing it nonetheless. Please take it from someone who has been married for 17 years that it is much harder to get out later than before you're married. Be so very careful. You've got it together and you deserve a guy who does, too. The other posters are right about saying "no" and setting boundaries about money. Tough love (financially) will show you very quickly who he is or isn't capable of being for you. All the best, MXJ. This is a tough situation.
It won't be easy to do...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
STOP ENABLING HIM.
As long as he knows you will be there to bail him out, he doesn't have the incentive to do better. He has no accountability. The current arrangement is working for him, so why should he change? If you keep going as you have, you will end up broke, burned out and resentful of him. If you get married and have children, you will be doing all the work, plus have a child to take care of...and what if that child has ADHD? Separate bank accounts are a good idea, so that he does not have full access to all of your money. That way, he will only be able to spend what is in his account, and when its gone...its gone.
We teach others how to treat us, and the only person you can change is yourself.
This sounds harsh, but true. Tried to change my ex husband, didn't work....
You taught him this
Submitted by adhd32 on
If you want something different, you have to do something different. I suggest you start with "no'. No, I won't fix your car, you received insurance money for that. No, I won't support a grown ass man who wastes money on childish things. No, I will not give you money, go out and get a job. No, you cannot live here unless you contribute, maybe not 50/50 but something to the household. He has shown you who he is. Do not expect, as you did when he got his insurance settlement, that he is part of your team. He is a team of one and he will keep manipulating you as long as you let him. If you want the relationship to work you need boundaries. Would you accept this freeloading behavior from anyone else? You may want to rethink getting married to him until he can take responsibility for his own finances otherwise you already know where you will be a decade from now.
I will tell you what I would tell my daughter....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I love him so much but I am beyond heartbroken)
You've made a bad choice!...You are in love with an irresponsible and thoughtless human....WE ARE ALWAYS OUR ACTIONS!
And besides...If you had good girl friend, who confided in you, this story that is your life.....(Saw her insecurites was causing her to be abused by a lazy and inconsidrate man)...What would you tell her??
Life is to short to be used, and to associate, with thoughtless lazy excuse makers??
It's up to you, the ladies that replied to your post here....Told you truly what is happening to you!...But you have got to wake up, and care about yourself.....Read here for a while, You will find your same story over and over again....Men and women, who refuse to grow up, and be responsible....Who latch on to caring working men and women like a leach....So they can us them, and be carried in life...So they can play and play!
And dump gilt trips (excuse after excuse, poor poor me) on them, for as long as they keep them blind, and manipulate them.....
c
Can you postpone the wedding?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I know you probably see the best in your fiancee. He may be a good person with good intentions, but the bottom line is that he is not pulling his own weight in the relationship financially. If possible, what about telling him the wedding is on hold until he gets a job and gets his spending under control, too? It sounds like you live together... if so and if possible, maybe you could also move out so that he has to be responsible for his own bills (or the consequence of not paying them). It hurts to hear, but as long as you are paying his way in life, he doesn't have to. It's easy to tell you to "stop being so uptight and enjoy life" when he's playing with LEGO and you're going to work. He may not intentionally be taking advantage of you, but he is doing it nonetheless. Please take it from someone who has been married for 17 years that it is much harder to get out later than before you're married. Be so very careful. You've got it together and you deserve a guy who does, too. The other posters are right about saying "no" and setting boundaries about money. Tough love (financially) will show you very quickly who he is or isn't capable of being for you. All the best, MXJ. This is a tough situation.