I have started reading Melissa's book and had built up so much hope just because she is totally describing my relationship. It has made me feel like I am not crazy for wanting to stay in it - we are engaged, and I said yes because I *want* to marry him, I *want* to build a life together, but I still have doubts. Then I came to this forum and reading all these posts has me so despondent. Is it worth all the work? I stayed in my first marriage through years of his alcoholism because I believed in the commitment and I thought we could eventually work it out. Then he left me to marry one of our best friends - yes I know, very cliche. Now, I live with someone who, well, all of you have described quite thoroughly....so another cliche? Don't read my other post because I obviously shared too much too soon thinking this was different than it actually is. Can an engineer who thrives on her life and home being organized really make a marriage work with someone who self-describes as "ADHD AF" and thinks "clean" means most of the dishes are in the dishwasher but the rest are piled in the sink and the counters and floors have not been cleaned (just as an example)? I was planning to register for the couple's seminar - is it worth the time and investment?
As you consider answering, please know that I am happy with my fiancee 80% of the time. The other 20% is driven by mess, disorganization, and finances. And I do love him so much and can't imagine life without him.
I apologize for my last response to you....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm a retired health care Facility Manager/Life Safety Coordinator...I worked hard, and was raised to think and be organized....I too love my wife of 11 years (first wife passed away at age 49 w/ cancer after 30 years of marriage)...I did not have the luxury of having the information you have here, about this mind type....(I honestly did not know people lived this way) ...So I have put up with the messiness, the hoarding, the unconcern...My wife was very attentive when we dated, and in the first year or so of the marriage...Even though we had great difficulty in the huge difference's...But when the marriage got boring, (not the new shiny thing any longer) she turned her attention on other things....Not men....Just friends, her good times, trips, hobbies, etc.....
My wife works...She has had the same job for 30 plus years..But it's been like pulling teeth for her to make it on time...(most every day for those 30 + years)....
Yes, she can be very sweet, and very fun...As long as you don't ask her to be responsible, to do the work in the relationship.....Or to communicate about marital responsibilities!...She makes a good friend, but not some one you want to take them home with you....IF I had it to do over, and knew what I knew now....I would in no way under the sun, put her and myself through what we have endured for 11 years.....I would how ever kept her as a friend, as long as she wanted to be a friend....
She lives life the way she is capable.....Messy, Hoarding up stuff, Unconcerned about marital responsibility, but highly concerned about her fun and self entertainment (Life overwhelms her, it's like asking a 10 year old to be a responsible adult, so someone has to pick up the slack, and that is me).....Does she care?..Yes...She loves her children, she love her grand children...She love her friends...They all love her...And she will reach out to strangers...Does she love me? Yes...But, love want fix the abandonment, the insistence and justification or unconcern in our house and in our relationship....It want fix the lack of respect when you are on vacation together, and she walks off following her own mind, like you don't exist....Love didn't do one thing to help me from having to place tons of boundaries on us, both in order to live together in any kind of peaceful state...(separate finances, separate tax returns, different vehicles driven to many things w/ a start time, go for a walks when she jumps up w/ only a short time to get ready and out the door for work...(or hear will u, will u, will u,) Love want stop me from having to wear ear plugs to help drown out the 45 minutes of alarms on her phone, because she want get up,
Love want stop me from constantly having to remind her about intimacy, and personal needs with in the marriage relationship...I could go on and on!)...Love isn't enough to fix the intrusive and some what abusive actions, that flow from a self-absorbed mind....It don't matter if it's intended or not...The suffering, the pain, the conflict that continually surfaces because you want a partner who is invested, and willing to carry their load...And for year after year you keep pointing that out....But you will have to decide if you willing to jump into that fire....
c
Only you can decide if it's worth it.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I realize that there are varying degrees of ADHD and perhaps my fiance is not at the severe end of the scale. He has always been steadily employed. He worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist before we met, and it made a huge difference in his life. As long as he sticks to his routines he is very organized.
Not to say that he doesn't get distracted like most people with ADHD do. He does get distracted, sometimes blurts out things that he shouldn't but he has gotten better since I met him 4 years ago.
When we met he was living in an apartment and had been there for 10 years. For him there is definitely comfort in routine. After moving into his house it was maddening to him that everything was not set up the way he is used to. Things are much better now a year later and he has adjusted well.
Can it work with you and your fiance? I can't answer that. If he is willing... if both of you are willing to put in the work then I would say maybe.
Conversations about money always make me uncomfortable. Mostly because I don't want what's mine to be taken away from me or for someone to tell me how to spend my money. My ex-husband used money as power in our relationship. I don't want to ever be in that position again. My fiance and I agree that when we are living together we will not merge our finances we will keep it separate. There will be an account for bills which we both contribute to based on a percentage of our pay.
Boundaries are a must in any relationship. I had difficulty setting them in the beginning but now it's much easier for me.
One thing's for sure no matter who makes the money or who makes more both Partners need to contribute something, like cooking, cleaning just normal stuff that comes with running a household. If my fiance couldn't be an equal partner, I wouldn't be with him.... and that's just me.
I certainly wish you the best. I hope you can make it work. You have a lot to think about and a lot on your plate for sure.
You are fortunate you get to make an active decision
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
You know ADHD is an issue and have time to research the various possible symptoms and comorbidities. Keep researching very deeply. Your life can quickly morph into a science experiment that you have no control over. Day after day, excuse after excuse. It does not stop. There might be hope that under prime circumstances ADHD symptoms can be mitigated. But they won't go away. Ever. You know in advance which is more than most on this site can say. Good luck.
Depends
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I entered into my relationship three years ago knowing my partner had untreated ADHD. He cannot afford to seek treatment, and has spent most of his adult life struggling with his symptoms and finding a way to live that he enjoys and is able to maintain - read that as he is often broke, can't sustain employment that he has no interest in and is very tired. I read a lot, I thought a lot, I observed him a lot (and listened when he trusted me enough to talk) and worked out how he communicates intimately, and most importantly I also went and found other people with ADHD (advocates) and listened to them talking about their symptoms in their own community, listened to them outlining their struggles and what helps/doesn't and then learned to apply some of that to our relationship. It is much easier when you know how hard someone is working, and know what to look for as signs they are. From there I worked out what I valued most, what I didn't need to hold onto in order to make things okay... and made sure I was interesting.
For me, his messiness is perhaps the smallest issue. I've shared housed with people for so many years in my life while putting myself through grad school and working up to my current position. in 19 years with nearly 14 flatmates, I have found two people who would contribute anything beyond the smallest dusting to housework - one of whom ironically is my partner. I gave up years ago hoping to find anyone who would do anything and have done the bulk of housework the entire time. At least I understand that for my partner, it is because he loses crap if it is not in direct sight line and has some serious issues with boredom feeling like depression.. and cleaning is boring. Everyone else I shared with were actually lazy buggers. I find my partner will do any housework that will stop food poisoning (he was a caterer for many years) and if I do stuff with him and it is fun (we both clean to music) then he is much better at contributing. He has areas he can let go in, and storage galore. But you need a really good, non parent-child dynamic to get to that point, and remember - getting someone with ADHD to a place where they can add new things to their routine will take months and months and they will still probably mess it up as soon as they get stressed and default to their normal routine, have a bad time with short term memory. See the comment above about it taking a year for someone's husband to adjust to a new routine.
In terms of finances, as far as I am concerned my partner is an adult and can run his own and needs to do so in order to be an adult. I would never combine my finances completely with anyone, ADHD or not. We can have a combined account for bills at a percentage of earnings (so mostly me), but that is it. There are some things I will do for both of us as I earn more than him by a huge factor and it would be unfair (buy tickets to a gig for both of us), but that is the sort of thing I would do for any friend, and really, I mostly buy for others as well. To be fair he really does not like having me pay for him. Bad enough when his parents try to pay me off for putting up with him. Seriously. As if I need their money anyway.
The hardest part for me is that he has 0 long range planning ability, at all, and well. I spend a lot of my time far away and I am not optimistic that he has the ability to withstand the beaurocracy and planning to solve the situation, no matter if I do the majority. The very sight of a form is enough to send him into a panic some days. It targets so many of the areas he is vulnerable in, and that makes me sad for him and for us. I will try, because I think it is worth it and because he is trying so very hard to wrangle his own brain into submission.
So ... the point is, if you can put in leg work now and both of you be realistic about what your parameters are then yes. It is. If you can't, as in any relationship .. then no.
Worth it or not?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi MXJ. I can only speak for myself. I did not know going in that my partner had ADHD. We were in love and both happy. However, 17 years married and I can say that if I had known then how my life as his wife would turn out, I would not have married him. I want out, out, out of this. However, my situation is different as my husband refuses to acknowledge that he has ADHD or that his symptoms/behaviors have any impact on our relationship/household/lives/child. In your case, you know about the ADHD going in and it seems that your partner knows he has it, too. I think you have little to lose trying the couple's seminar if you can afford it. It's much more budget-friendly than individual or couple's counseling (not to mention cheaper than a wedding or a divorce, too!). You will see how willing he is to look at himself and make changes to benefit himself and you. Both of you might get more insight into proven ways to manage the relationship (before anger and resentment set in!) in positive ways. If he is willing to step up and make the effort, maybe it can work.
[SIDE NOTE: As far as the mess you mentioned goes, once you are both employed, maybe you can hire a housekeeper. That's what I have done (once every two weeks) and it has eased my stress a whole lot!]
Does he want to participate?
Submitted by adhd32 on
Is it worth the work? Only you can answer that. Just know that today the issue is over dirty dishes and unswept floors and 5 years from now it could be that he forgot your kid at day care, or he didn't pay the car insurance because he spent the money on BS things and you are unknowingly driving without it, or he forgot to mention the tickets he hid and you found out about them at the airport rental counter when he couldn't rent a car. These are general examples since I don't know you but real things that happen.
You have doubts, consider the reasons. Is he all in on changing? There is one person with ADD who posts here who opened my eyes. He does not want to change and feels as though us non spouses should accept our ADD partners as is. Over time, I understood his position. What right does someone have to expect someone else to change and live to your standards? And further, I am not sure the ADD person is even capable of lasting change. He may be incapable of doing things your way just as you are incapable of tolerating the mess and disorganization. He is probably a fun loving guy but can you live forever with someone who isn't sharing the load, or living to your standards, or creating more work for you rather than lightening your load?
There is no one answer but be aware that even with therapy and meds there is never a resolution of symptoms. Your man will probably never empty the dishwasher or see that pile of dishes, or do chores on a consistent basis because his brain is looking for stimulation not mundane and boring. Can you be okay with fighting over the chores or doing them yourself? Can you live with boundaries to protect yourself financially and emotionally? Forever?
Great comments, adhd32. I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Great comments, adhd32. I agree.
No
Submitted by anothertiredwife on
Is it worth it? The short answer is no. The reason being that what seems like small issues now can spiral into larger and larger issues. When I met my soon-to-be ex-husband, it was amazing. But there were a couple of red flags. There was one incident with my family that should've told me everything I needed to know about him to walk away. And I almost did. But then... I didn't want to give up on all the good things I thought we had. So I rationalized it, and thought, he can change, I'll just inform him that his behavior was not ok, and he'll see reason and it'll all be ok. When there's a worm in an apple, it's only taking up a small area, but it's kind of ruining the whole experience. You'll never be able to fully bite into and enjoy the wormy Apple without fear of getting something really gross. That's what it's like. So when I hear you saying, it's not so bad, I have to tell you, that's exactly what I said. In my situation, my husbands life fell apart after 3 years of marriage. We had a daughter, he couldn't get work because he ruined his career with his arrogance, and after 3 years of waiting for him to get it together, and draining all my savings making ends meet while he is unemployed and I'm paying for full time daycare, I'm finally ready to really be done. It's hard, it sucks, and I wish I had LISTENED to myself 10 years ago when I had that little nagging voice of doubt. If you have that, it is there for a reason. It's your subconscious trying to tell you something that your mind is having a hard time accepting. All I can say is I didn't follow the clear instincts I had, and I'm paying a huge penalty for it. Good luck and stay strong! It may be terribly painful to walk away but that doesn't mean it's right to stay if you have a bad sense. Or you can wait it out and try to see if your instinct was really right! But by that point you will have suffered and lost greatly. I obviously don't know all the specifics of your particular situation, but I just had to comment and give you a glimpse into a possible future. I wish anyone had been able to get through to me before I married and had a child with my mistake.
Red Flags.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree about the red flags. Looking back, there were plenty of red flags when it came to my ex-husband's behavior. Should have listened to my intuition. I will never doubt it again. In my current relationship, there have been misunderstandings and even arguments, but no red flags over the last 4 years. Hope that this time it is for real, and for good. Moving slowly, no rush into another marriage at 54.
Hi MXJ27,
Submitted by Spinach on
Hi MXJ27,
I have not read your other post, so this is just in response to what you've posted above. I've been with my ADHD husband for over a decade and we've only recognized and started actively dealing with his symptoms in the past year. Our relationship has been up and down, there has been a lot of love, but a lot of struggle as well. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that I didn't choose to spend my life with someone I'm more naturally compatible with, and he probably feels the same.
You love your partner, and I have loved mine, for many years. But resentment will build up, and your relationship will be tested. You will also have to look at your own reactions to his symptoms, and how they will affect the love you each feel. It will get easier in some ways, and in others it just won't. So it's up to you to decide if this is a life that is acceptable for you, sustainable for the rest of your life. If you think so, go see a marriage counselor who has a lot of experience working with ADHD/Non-ADHD couples, His response may be to balk initially, but if he loves you and is strong enough to get healthy for you, he will come around to doing the work to better himself.
Good luck to you! You are not alone.
Run run run
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
What else can I say. If only I knew he has adhd before getting married:(
" fiancé" hyper focus stage is best. The things go downhill fast. You will only be the stimulation he craves ONCE, after that it will be anything but you. You will be " annoying distraction " from what he cares at the moment at best. Also, everything he sees as boring ( most of day to day life responsibilities including childcare) will be on you. Also, forget about bringing things up. When I try to resolve ( GENTLY) anything first time husband calls it ATTACK, second attempt is NAGGING. Then you do silent. Then you die inside.
RUN PLEASE RUN
Run
Submitted by anteight on
YES! After honeymoon you will feel as though you are an invisible intrusion. However I'm pretty sure you will not run so I'm glad you found this sight before full impact hits.