Hi there. So, a little background. My husband is 32 and I'm 34 and we have three beautiful little boys together, ages 5 and a half and under. We have been married for almost 7 years (this December). I believe he has ADHD, as he was diagnosed and medicated (Ritalin) as a child and still displays many of the symptoms to this day (he's not on meds now and hasn't been for years). His bio father also has ADHD. He is adopted and has wonderful adoptive parents.
Here's what's bothering me: When he gets upset, he has no filter and doesn't control his words. For example, when we're all riding in the van and he gets upset, perhaps if I take away his cell phone and prevent him from texting while driving, he'll make this comment: "I'll crash this van and kill us all." Or when he's depressed about work deals not going right, he'll say, "I should just throw myself under a bus" or "I just want to die". The most recent (and most upsetting) thing he said was the other night when we were about to go to bed and I was telling a story and he wanted me to be quiet. He said, "I'll smother you with a pillow." Really?!!! I didn't say or do anything that would justify such a terrible statement!! Since then, he's apologized, we talked it out, and things are supposedly ok between us, but I still feel very unsettled and upset. I told him he needs to go to counseling with me and I found a therapist that our pastor recommends, but he's very reluctant to go because he doesn't think there are any problems. I told him that he cannot make any of those comments ever again because it's not healthy for our kids to hear those statements (thankfully they were all asleep when he made the "pillow" comment). I still feel horrified. I serve this man all his meals, stay at home to take care of the kids, and things had been going so well with us prior to this. I always dismissed his inappropriate comments as just having "no filter" because of the undiagnosed ADHD, but how do I know if I should be more concerned? He's never hurt me or the kids. The most he's ever done is slam his fist down on the kitchen table. Am I overreacting? Does this sound like typical ADHD or something more severe?
I think a lot of his comments
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I think a lot of his outbursts could be ADHD related. That said, I agree with you that he shouldn't be saying these things in front of the children.
Case in point. My sister, recently divorced, said something and her daughter overheard. She was only 5 years old and misunderstood what was said. At the time her ex-husband was trying to get custody of their two daughters. My sister was on her phone talking to a friend about the situation. She commented to her friend " if I were to lose the girls I would die." Of course she was exaggerating. If she lost custody she wouldn't physically die...
Youngest daughter overheard, and thought that my sister was contemplating suicide. She told some of her friends in school the next day. She met with the school counselor about it, crying and said I think my mom's going to kill herself. The situation got blown out of proportion and her ex-husband used it against her during custody trial, saying that my sister was mentally unstable and suicidal which was not true at all.
It sounds like your husband could use some therapy to maybe get a handle on how he expresses himself, given that you have young children and it could be frightening for them to witness his outbursts.
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I'd also like to add that it doesn't matter whether his comments like " I'll smother you with a pillow" are ADHD related or not, they are Beyond inappropriate. ADHD or not he needs to learn how to regulate his emotions and perhaps a counselor experienced in treating ADHD could help you with that.
I agree with Adele. My former
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with Adele. My former husband has made a few comments over the years that were probably in the category of "no filter" but were sufficiently disturbing that I called him out on them. The one I recall most clearly is the following: in response to me asking him if there was something I could do to help him with his parents, for whom he is full-time caregiver, he said, "You could kill them."
Blurting
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Inappropriate speak-before-he-thinks comments are are huge source of stress in my household, too. It is interesting you wrote this now because this precise issue has been the cause of a major blowup this week. In my case, my ADHD husband yelled at me and our daughter (11), "Go f yourselves... and shut up... both of you." How is this good parenting (or husbanding) by any definition? The "reason" for yelling such disrespectful things was extremely weak, too. (Basically he didn't like the push-back about body-shaming from our daughter after HE called a beautiful young plus-sized model on TV "fat with cankles"). Yes, that was the blurt before the blurt. And... if you can believe there was another blurt sandwiched in there, when my daughter challenged him by asking, "Would you have married Mom if she were a size 16?", he talked about how we probably wouldn't be together if I had been larger and ultimately answered that he would have likely approached me about losing weight. Sigh. And he doesn't see why that last comment is hurtful, btw. Not even with a week of hindsight.
Blurting is such an issue for us that in 2014 I started writing down the worst things he would say. In a moment of great upset (instigated by blurting), I printed them off and read them to him, hoping it would resonate that inappropriate/cruel words have a huge impact over time. At first he said, "I said those things... so what?" And a few hours later he was remorseful. However, it has been many months since that "intervention" and nothing has changed. He still says inappropriate and often mean things regularly.
This time ("go f yourselves..."), I told him that was absolutely unacceptable and that he is never to speak to us like that again. He apologized, but then, he often apologizes later (nothing changes because it is an ADHD symptom... it will persist without treatment). This time our daughter had had enough. She was so upset that she ended up staying home from school for two days and had a breakdown begging him to see someone about this problem (saying mean things without thinking). It has been very distressing and I was as close to leaving as I have ever been this past week. She did not let him off the hook and he has agreed to look for therapists. However, his agreement to get help has thus far gone no further than a cursory internet search... because ADHD.
I don't know why I'm sharing except to commiserate and maybe to say that in my opinion, even though our husbands are not violent ("He's never hurt me or the kids"), this behavior does take its toll over time as the kids grow. I would like to think a list like the one I still keep would be eye-opening. Perhaps it would be in your case... I don't know. Like you, I am pretty horrified. My daughter is older so I have had more years for these comments to add up. I can say that they do snowball over time and by the time your kids older and more aware of what Dad is saying, there may be more impact. At the same time, at least when they are older, ADHD can be explained to them so they can learn not to take his comments as seriously/personally. However, in my case, I am getting weary of making all the changes while he makes none and continues to behave wildly inappropriately. My daughter really shouldn't have to learn to let these things roll off her back. She deserves better. So do I.
Wishing you the best, CoffeeMama.
You deserve better
Submitted by map5a on
Honestly, ADHD or not, that wouldn't fly in my home. If he LOVES you, regardless of ADHD, those types of violent thoughts and actions need to be addressed immediately. Especially with three boys.
If you are able, I'd say to him "If you do not seek therapy for these violent and scary outbursts, I wil take the boys somewhere I feel safe. These aren't jokes that are funny. You are threatening the lives of myself and our children and I will not let anything happen to them". My FDH has ADHD, and he does respond impulsively sometimes, but his outbursts have NEVER been violent like this. Does your husband have other symptoms of possible mood disorders such as Borderline?
I say this with the utmost respect to you as a mom and a woman: You can love him all you want and want to help, but you can't love him after y'all are dead. (at this point it doesn't seem like it would act on these outbursts, but do you honestly want to wait around to find out?) He needs to decide he wants to fix this for himself, and if you leaving for a while shows him you're serious about the consequences he faces if he continues, maybe he will agree to therapy.
He Agreed to Therapy
Submitted by CoffeeMama85 on
He agreed to go to therapy with me, even though he is definitely reluctant. If he had ever actually put his hands on any of us or done anything physically, that would definitely be another story, but I don't fear for our safety at this point. I think he is used to saying outlandish things to try and shut me up or intimidate me in the moment, or to rant and rave and blow off steam about work situations that he doesn't like. I made it clear to him, though, that our oldest is picking up on things more now and he absolutely cannot say any of these things anymore. I did threaten separation if he doesn't stop (we are currently renting a house from my parents and I told him he will be kicked out and will have to find a new place to live if it continues). I hope this will give him the kick in the pants he needs to use self-control and act (and speak) more maturely. I honestly don't know what else to do and I'm beside myself over this. I've been crying so much the past few days and just feeling so much inner turmoil and anxiety. He is really sweet with the boys and is a good dad as far as how he treats them, but he has a potty mouth when it comes to frustrations with work and will text me or call me and use profanity (not directed at me but at people he works with, saying things like "These F***ers," etc.) But then he'll go to church with me and say he's sorry and he wants to be close to God. I told him I can't handle those texts or calls anymore either and that it's not right as a Christian to talk like that and if it happens anymore I'll block his number. Hoping he gets it and also that therapy helps but I do wonder if he has some other mental issues as well.
I am glad
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Can I urge some caution against presuming co-morbidities? From this, now you have mentioned the frustration, it sounds very familiar to me and like a combination of ADHD emotional disregulation plus the explosive effect of a low frustration tipping point. This is not quite simply poor impulse control and inappropriate comments, although of course related. I very much recognise the 'call to rant and rave and blow off steam' and to me it speaks to the ADHD person's inability to regulate strong emotions and a tendency to be swamped rapidly by them because of the impulse control problems. Whether it is a bad day that caught up to them because they simply were too busy focusing on how to make the day happen, and they snap over a tiny thing, or stress at work meaning there is no safe place to explode the intensity is - as you know from bearing part of it - is akin to being caught in a hurricane.
I say familiar because my partner will do the same with work, although it is usually only when he is in crisis mode now days. He usually turns his frustration blurts in on himself for failing (I wish I were dead, I am going to kill myself) or to more generally the world (I wish the world would hurry up and die). Sometimes his family (who are... difficult) and wanting them to die or die out, sometimes with an explosion of profanity because profanity is designed to be a release (linguistically!). But he never means the words that come out, more the sentiment behind it which is STOP IT HURTS.* I always think ... if it makes me feel this horrid to hear it, god knows what it is doing to him. Doesn't mean it is okay, but I can understand a bit more and try help him buy some space to address what is causing the frustration.
That is me though, I am aware. But even for me there is a certain point where the intensity and the projected anxiety is causes serious harm, and you absolutely don't have to be, nor should be his counsellor... which is what he is making you be (poor consolation though it is, the fact that your H turns to you to try defuse his frustration means he trusts you). Your H will be able to stop entirely because he will not always be able to reign in extreme emotions, but if the counselling is right and addresses what is causing him to snap, not the snapping itself then he should improve - not least having someone else tell him not to text and drive. There are also behavioural strategies that help - mindfulness for ADHD is incredibly effective at training the brain to stop for a few vital seconds before committing to exploding ... say in front of the kids, and there are of course medications that can help smooth the emotional reactivity even if he won't go near ADHD meds.
*If I thought for one moment he did, we would be over.
Happy to hear it.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Happy to hear that your Husband is willing to go to therapy with you. Love your comment, Sollertiae. " *If I thought for one moment he did, we would be over. " My ex husband meant every word, and he didn't have ADHD.
No.
Submitted by Sollertiae on
The more I hear about your ex husband, the happier I am you no longer are married to him. What a horrific individual.
Great news!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I understand why you're so anxious. I can't believe the things my husband says sometimes while he will just shrug off my upset with, "Well, I didn't mean it." He doesn't care at all while I sit with the aftermath for days/weeks/years. Hopefully drawing the hard line you have will help. Happy for you. :)
I wouldn't concern myself w/ the cause....
Submitted by c ur self on
It needs dealt with no matter the reason for it...If he has no history of violence or self harm, he is probably just trying to get his way w/ a lot of drama....But he needs to understand it's not about him, the impact of his statements on you and three immature minds is where the damage is being done.....
You mentioned a pastor....Men and Women all (believers) need accountability partners, and pray partners...He is casting off (making light of) his actions to keep from facing them....If you set boundaries with him, he might see more clearly the error of his ways...I will not under any circumstance's ride with my wife, (or allow grandchildren, in our case to) unless she promises to not touch her phone while we travel, even if we are going across the street....
The mistake so many of us make in our marriage relationships, is doing nothing but complaining, and verbally pointing out the irresponsible behaviors....Which usually turns disrespectful when emotions are high, or they refuse to hear, which in my experience is most of the time....So all we get for our efforts is the need for apologies, to get past the arguments, which is right down their ally, because it puts it on us...And completely distracts from the original subject...(Their unacceptable actions) ....Don't get on this merry go round that only poisons the relationship....
Boundaries causes hardship's for both parties when they are respected....But he needs to know you are serious...And there is no way to put a price on the welfare (what they hear and experience from their Father, the man that they will grow up emulating, who want be able to do any wrong in their eyes) of those precious children?
I wish wisdom for you going forward...
c
I think you’re correct about
Submitted by CoffeeMama85 on
I think you’re correct about just setting boundaries and sticking to them. I definitely intend to contact the therapist our pastor recommended soon. But I let him know that he cannot speak this way anymore, especially around the kids, and that I won’t tolerate that because it’s not healthy for them. So far he has controlled himself. I usually text for him when we’re riding in the car but I may just have to put the phones in the glove box if he is going to get so agitated about it.
Respected Boundaries are the only way I've found....
Submitted by c ur self on
The only way I can live side by side with my wife, in a peaceful and mutually respectful way, is boundaries....Since there is no way to control, think for, or change another human being...There must be boundaries to help us respect each others rights (choices and mind types) as human beings....
Not every man and women get's out of bed in the mornings w/ a mindset and reality that is fully responsible to themselves and their commitments...So if we step away from things that are not acceptable to us, (boundaries) then what is possible for the two us becomes readily apparent....
The reason this is so difficult for so many of us is personal wants, and our own thinking that say's...****This is how it should be!!!***...Because of this we push and push, and don't recognize the damage that is occurring, or we don't care...Because our demand for what we view as right, destroy's any conviction we might have to respect someone who is so different from us, in so many ways.....
Boundaries are the very best effort we can put forward to eliminate the dysfunction, it gives space and discipline to our interactions.....I find it's ok to not travel w/ my wife, I find it's ok to not go on every trip she might go on...I find it's ok to go on trips alone at times....I find it's ok to not pick her panties and pants out of the bathroom floor....I find it's really really ok to not attempt to think for her....My wife deserves a husband who care's enough to interact calmly and respectfully when we do interact....I want the same....So if we view life so differently, and one or both of us, justifies behaviors that isn't acceptable to the other...Then respectful boundaries is our only hope....
I'm not talking about things that break the sanctity our union, (adultery)...I'm talking about day to day living.....Boundaries, and Acceptance has allowed us to be as close as we possibly could be with all our difference's....
I attribute this 100% to Christ in us....The power to love...The power to live....And a sound mind....
c